Hiatus

Wow. Hello non-existing readers!
I say that because i know that i once had some readers -- apparently...but judging by my lack of activity on this blog for the past couple of months, i'm sure whoever those readers were have stopped checking to see if i've come back.

I feel like i've completely lost my touch. One day i was writing about how i could possibly pursue in writing...an shortly after i feel like i've just lost my ability to write anything concrete; anything with quality substance.

Now this is also gibber-gabber. Lately, everything i've been writing or posting on here has been gibber-gabber. Either pictures, or nonsense. People read this? People think this is good stuff? What?

Weird.

I've been getting side tracked with my life. I guess in a way, whoever my readers are or were could be happy for me because or those past couple of months i've finally escaped from my head and took a little stroll into reality. I've always wanting to come back here though -- to this blog, to my key board,  each night i think of it. I try to pull some significant thoughts out of my mind, but nothing comes. It makes me sad. This blog is really important to me, it's something i'd really like to be able to up keep throughout my lifetime. Dates back to probably sometime in 2007 till present day. Even though i've had some dry spells, i'd like to always be able to come back it type something up.

Click-clack on my keyboards in the middle of the night. It's the sound that i love to hear, so comforting....

Although, this here is all just nonsense too. But what isn't nowadays?
Are my thoughts really that insignificant, or am i selling myself short. Telling you about why i've been absent...shouldn't that be important?

I found that my most written about topic was anything about love and relationships. I really wanted to set myself up for something more and write beyond that. I figured it may have become redundant. I know that if there was something i felt strongly about, i'd always write about it...but i've really tried to stray away from those topics. However, it is who i am -- some type of hopeless romantic.

I could write about anything on here that i'd like. I feel like people would find reading about my life boring. I always forget that my blog is like my diary. Whichever case, i should write whatever my heart pleases....

Once, someone very unexpected said "Dude, have you read what Kathy's written? It's really good"
We were on drugs, i couldn't believe what i heard. Put a smile on my face. I don't know where to go from here.......Just wanted to drop by and say hello.

I hope i'll be back soon...i'll find a way.

Toodles.

Beyond Wonderland 2014

Today, i tried to sneak into Beyond Wonderland. I've never even attempted to sneak into an event before. I was really skeptical about the idea of it, but people kept telling me how fool proof sneaking in was. More so...it's really all about strategy and timing -- two important aspects that i lack completely.

I did not have a plan coming forth. Walking towards the entrance, i only had time to think for a brief moment. I was freaking out, to be honest. My mind was hectic, and i felt out of my element. What was i even trying to attempt to do? This isn't me, i'm not dishonest! It was almost thrilling...

I wanted to feel the rush, excitement of actually making it.

Three check points to get through. Check my id, check my belongings, check the ticket i didn't have.

I tried to bribe a guy, he would not let me in. He was actually kind of really rude about it, but i understand. I didn't arrive with my mind set that i will get in, no matter what. There was a lot of doubt. I tried a second time using a friends ticket, which also did not work.

That's when  just about gave up. And i was by my lonesome self. My friends had tickets, so i told them to go in an have fun. I'd be able to figure out what to do.

The crowd outside of beyond, is one interesting group of people.
The schemers, the go getters, the hoodlums. I was part of that group today, wondering what the hell i was doing...feeling like a complete idiot for not buying a ticket. I didn't mind too much about not being able to get in though. It was actually sort of a cool experience, to see what the people outside of beyond were like. You never really think about them, till you are there yourself.

I don't really know what it was, but then it was nice a vibe regardless of all of our situations...

This whole experience sort of made me realize, raves are not really my thing...i think i'm over it for now.

Until next time...

Matter of Choice

What i believe is that to love and to commit is all a matter of choice -- i mean, obviously, right?

More so, in the case of getting into something new with someone. Beginning to transition from friends to more than friends, it's a scary kind of thing. We have wants and needs, and we are very eager when we begin to have even the slightest bit of interest in someone. Then it becomes some type of training exercise to test how patient you can be.

The eagerness that comes over you, is almost a frightening thing. What do you do when you become too eager; we must contain ourselves because lets be honest, it's always a game.

We must play coy, and do so in a way where we don't show that we are incredibly interested -- only just a smidge. How does one even come about doing that?

To play the game, you must have game. Is there a book out there somewhere with the guidelines and "how to"s?

Back to it being "a matter of choice"
We are at this age in our lives where it is no longer really necessary to ask, "would you be my significant other?". When two people who share mutual feelings, it should just automatically become common knowledge between the two that they are both indeed "together". Labels aren't necessary.

Of course, it doesn't hurt to have a discussion to establish where you two stand, sometimes it can be hard to distinguish. Because sometimes people just flirt and talk...but aren't really committed.

So, that's what i mean by it being a matter of choice. How do you want your relationship with another person to be? Will it be one of committed or one of play?

_______

I lost my train of thought, and focus here...Hah.
Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Where's my muse...

Undress Me

You Are Goodbye

You Are Goodbye | Holly Conlan

Mr. Sandman

Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream...make him the cutest that i've ever seen...

20 in Vegas

Went to Vegas to experience the "Vegas" life for the first time, as an underaged "young adult". It was such a great time spent! "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" apparently, so does that mean i shouldn't blog about my experience there...Maybe in this case, pictures will just have to speak more than words.

Eclipse Daylight Pool party -- "crashed" a bachelor's party

Cuteass Palestine guy that got us
into the day & night club 

Jokingly asked if we can get a wheelchair, & succeeded!

Pusha T

You ever wondered what you looked like when you just let loose and dance around all crazy and shit? I guess it doesn't look as good as it feels when you're in the moment. They called me "wild child". I'm a gif on my own blog. Heheh.

I'll be back for you Vegas, in exactly a month from today.

Pure Lounge

I went clubbing for the first time ever in my life last Saturday at Pure Lounge. Lisa and i both have never been to the club before in our lives, so we were so unsure as to how were were really even suppose to dress. All black never hurts anyone, of course.

What i learned is that, maybe the clubbing scene isn't my thing. Probably not something i can do all the time, otherwise i might catch "the ratchet"...and well, become ratchet. Haha, just kidding. But definitely not a thing you can do sober. At first we were sort of put off by the atmosphere. I mean, it was really fun and energetic, but we just weren't drunk enough for it. Some guy i think was hitting on me or something, and i literally told him, "Sorry, i'm not drunk yet." Or i think he was asking me to dance, that would make more sense. And then he responded saying, "I respect that." I sort of thought that was funny. Once i actually got a couple drinks in, i was good to go. I could've managed to be more drunk, but i had to keep in mind that i had work the next morning. Going to the club that night was completely spontaneous. Lisa and i had originally planned to go to one of my old friend's birthday celebration, but it didn't work out. In the end, i think we had more fun going to the club than we would've in retrospect. Haha. I love when things work out like that.

The group of people i went with were fun, and the dudes were real helpful. 

July 12, 2014: I lost my clubbing virginity. 

I think i'm ready for Vegas now! (Two more days, woo hoo!)

Vinent x Vicky

June 28, 2014:

Six days after my brother got married, my sister got married to her best friend. Really, her best friend. She's known him since i was in elementary school, that's a long time of friendship. Their wedding was definitely more extravagant than my brother's, but that has a lot to do with the fact that my sister is a wedding planner so she felt that her wedding had to have more of that "wow" factor to show her clients what she's capable of. She put a lot of hard work into her wedding, and it turned out very nicely. As a gift to her, i made her this faux six tier cake. Could have came out better, but not bad for my first try i must say.

I was part of the bridal party, so i wasn't able to take photos of the ceremony. It was outdoors like my brothers, but this time i was standing directly under the sun. The day of my sister's wedding i was running around trying to help get things done, so i didn't get a chance to eat anything the whole day except for part of a cliff bar. I ended up fainting in the middle of the ceremony. I really couldn't believe it, i felt it coming too, but didn't know what to do. Because i was standing in front of hella people at the front of the alter...after the ceremony, my brother picked me up and carried me into the fitting room. I thought that was sweet of him.

Well anyways, i regained consciousness after my mom brought me some food to eat. I couldn't enjoy the cocktail hour, which was a bummer because there was a lot of good appetizers being served. My sister had a bunch of last minute touch ups that she wanted to do before her reception started, so she wouldn't let anyone into the reception area until it was done -- life of a wedding planner that had to do her own wedding. Everyone was just crowded outside mingling and eating. I went out to try and get some more food for myself, but to no avail...it was way too crowded for my liking. Everything turned out really beautifully in the end, i wasn't able to get a good picture of the whole venue though. She always seems to out do herself somehow.

Her wedding didn't go as planned for the most part. Most of it had to do with the fact that her new husband was ridiculously drunk for practically half of it, falling all over the place. She had planned her first dance to be really fun and sweet, but due to complications of the bubble machine and a drunk husband, it failed miserably. Definitely fun to watch, and will be something to laugh at in the future. She's not too bummed out about it, but did wish that more things went according to plan. Something like that is a big deal to wedding planners. Not up to par with her standards.

I've always wanted to be part of a bridal party, but it sort of sucked to be in one. Bittersweet, i should say. I didn't really get to enjoy the wedding, because of bridesmaid duties. It was still fun, nonetheless. Made me just realize that maybe i shouldn't have invited my friends haha.



I danced the night away along side with my sister, who i never knew had moves to dance the way she did -- at her age especially. She is still so full of youth and beauty.

And this is a picture of my newly wedded siblings and i.

Wonder when it'll be my turn...

Congratulations to Vincent and Vicky

Calvin x Christine

June 22, 2014:

My brother got married on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. And i mean beautiful. The whole day was just so magnificent. I loved how down to earth their wedding was; very small and intimate. The outdoor ceremony was just breath taking. I really loved how their wedding revolved around them as a couple, being that they're both very out doors-y types of people who are very simplistic. They definitely did not go for a flashy type of wedding, and in which case "less" was really "more" from where i stood.

My brother's look on his face when he was watching Christine walk towards him down the aisle. I took a quick glance at him, and he just looked awestruck while holding back his tears. I hope someone captured that look he had.

His vows were simply amazing beyond words. I've never seen that side of him before, it was just the absolute sweetest thing i've ever heard come out of his mouth. I've always knows my brother to be some type of romantic, but he has never shown any type of public display of affection towards Christine in front of the family. They don't really even seem to be that "lovey dovey" type of couple actually. What i see when i look at them are two best friends, rather than lovers -- however, they just happened to be two best friends in love. In a more literal sense at least. His vows were so touching, he wrote up a whole page of what he wanted to say. I was sitting in the front row trying to catch my tears because i didnt want to ruin my make up; serious water works. If i didn't care about how i looked that day, i probably wouldn't had all my my make up smeared everywhere by the end of it!

The reception was beautiful as well, unfortunately i didn't get a chance to take a picture of the venue. I drank up and had a wonderful time. My father got really drunk and started dancing with the in laws.

 We danced the night away (till 10pm). My brother has gone a very long way up till this milestone in his life, and i couldn't be happier for him. I never thought this day would come, and it's finally here. It doesn't feel any different for me, because i've always just considered Christine as apart of our family. She's had enough Vietnamese food with my family during our family dinners, never understanding a word we're saying. It's about time! She's the sweetest person, and i'm glad my brother and her are together. I see my brother as a new type of man, and i respect him so much for being the man he is today.

Congratulations to Calvin and Christine :)

Don't Be a Creep 101

Welcome to: "Don't Be a Creep 101"

There are many forms of being a creep.

Creeper Status #1: Messaging a random girl through a form of social networking, and right off the bat  telling her "You're cute." Or in anything along the lines of complimenting her physical appearance.

It may seem like you're doing good by complimenting her, but majority of the time she probably will just find it superficial. I mean it's flattering that you think so, but it's a bad way to start a conversation with her. What is it that you're hoping to gain from her anyways?

Now that you've basically laid it flat on the table that you find her attractive, are you looking for something more to it? Or are there only shallow hopes? Girls do enjoy being showered with compliments, but if you're talking to a emotionally stable girl she would rather you have approached her in a more respectful manner.

Start off with a hello, and maybe withhold telling her she is cute. Maybe instead, be more subtle about how cute you think she is. At the very least, at least make it seem like you're interested in knowing about her and whats going on in her mind instead of making it seem like it's all about the looks.

Just my 2 cents.
All females react differently.

A-K

It's not that her life has been fulfilled with excitement. If she had a bucket list, she definitely hasn't yet checked off more than half of what's listed -- she probably doesn't even have more than 20% of any of it checked off. She lives her life day by day, and she's completely afraid of what the future holds for her; so she just doesn't really think much of it. They say to live for tomorrow, but then today isn't tomorrow. So, you live for today and hope for tomorrow. It's not like she is impoverished though, she's living a pleasant life for the most part. She's very blessed, so there's no living day to day scared of not being able to make it to the next. She never has to use her A-K, so everyday is practically a good day.

What is this all about? She isn't afraid of death. A lot of people can say that they've lived a good life, so it's okay if they're taken from the earth. She's lived a rather decent life, but she hasn't done enough -- whatever that even means, right? Perhaps she just feels that life is what it is, things and people come and go...so if she has to go, then at this point she has experienced life for what it is.

When the time is up, she can go relatively happy.

So, she'd like you all to know that...despite whatever troubles you may be going through, just look at things in a more positive light. Be a good person, not because you expect something out of it, but because it's good to be a good person. She loves you very much.

Goodnight, from her.

Little Spoon

I feel arms wrapped tight around me as i lay in bed. I just can't seem to fall asleep, but it's comforting to know that someone is laying by me soundly asleep. Thoughts have filled my head of a time when this was right and when this was real. Tonight, i am the little spoon. Faced away, with one arm tucked beneath me and the other wrapped around me -- i hold the hand to my chest tightly...and inhale.

I've turned on some classical music hoping that it'll help me fall asleep faster, doesn't seem to be working. The sounds of the piano fill my ears -- my mind. I imagine myself outside, the warmth of the sun kissing my skin. I want to kiss the hand i hold, i want to fall asleep.

I turn over, and i'm alone.
Tonight, like most nights, i am alone.

Tonight, I miss being the little spoon.

Among many things, this was something that has crossed my mind tonight. I don't know why i'm having the worst time trying to fall asleep tonight though. It's absolutely infuriating. I almost just want to wait it out till the sun rises and have an incredibly early start to my day. I'm thinking a lot about food, most specifically i'm thinking about the hot cheetos in my kitchen and the buy one get one free chipotle coupon i have. I was thinking about who i could go share a free chipotle with. I was thinking of who would want to go eat boiling crab or dim sum with me. My eating buddy, Tram, has gone back to Berkeley.

Well, this little spoon is out, for now. Toodles.

One

Today at work, i was standing outside cleaning the windows. This older man, perhaps in his late forties or mid fifties (i couldn't really tell) comes up to me and says, "Excuse me miss, do you have any type of ointment that i can put on my face? I fell off my bike..." I looked at his face, and it clearly looked like he completely ate it judging by the scars on his face and hands. It didn't look like it was fresh, but it did look like it happened recently.

Well, mind you that i work at a nail spa in Santana Row. Of all places, why would you stop at a nail spa and ask for treatment. I almost sent him to the concierge's office, but then i remembered that we do have a little first aid kit in our store. I didn't want to send him away knowing i could help him. So i told him, "Oh yeah, i think we do have something". I walk him inside and give him some Neosporin. He pretty much just lathered it all over his scabs and proceeds talking to me.

"Are you Vietnamese or Chinese?"
"I'm Vietnamese."
"Oh, you're very pretty..."
"Oh, thank you. Are you okay? Do you need a band-aid?"
"No, i just needed some ointment. I fell off my bike yesterday"

He trailed off a little, and went back to the whole i'm pretty thing and says, "i saw a really pretty one yesterday (referring to a girl, i'm assuming asian). One of the most beautiful i've ever seen...well thank you for the ointment!"

I just kind of laughed it off, and said you're welcome. I've never heard of a person referring to another person as though they're an object before. Am i just trippin' or by context, did it really sound like he was referring to the female he encountered as though she was an object. He must of saw her and fell off his bike or something. Just kidding, that's mean.

I'll have to admit, it's flattering sometimes when older men find me pretty, only for the fact that it makes me feel older. But then i get creeped out when i realize that i actually look like i'm 16. The thought makes me shiver.

______________________

I was on tumblr and came across this picture:

Now that's just wrong. Men are turned on by just the oddest things. Why is it a surprise to us when women go about flaunting themselves in the way that that society has labeled as "sexy" when it's actually trashy. Almost a little tacky. 

I know how that photo plays within fantasy of every male. You have the car in the background, mile long legs in hells, mini skirt with a little peek-a-boo, and obviously she's been a bad bad girl.

This post has become awkward for me, toodles.

Donut Even

Went to the mall today with Tram, and i found a body suit/one piece swim suit that had donuts on it. I got really excited about it for several reasons. The top reason being that they were basically the same exact donuts as i have on my phone's background. You must be wondering why i have donuts as my background -- i had a fat craving for donuts on week and Justin decided to send me this photo, which i ended up really liking because it was colorful and fun. The next reason for why i got really excited about this article of clothing is because, who the hell would really buy this and wear it out in public?! No one would take you seriously. It made me laugh, but after i went to go put it on for my own amusement i thought it was actually a really fun print. I could see myself maybe wearing that to some type of event...possibly. Just for shit and giggles. I wouldn't waste my money on it though.

This picture is good enough for the memories. Saved myself the 12 bucks, and got a good giggle from it.

Shower

My dog enjoys showers with me.

La Jolla, Ca

I drove down to San Diego last weekend with Sandro (a friend from high school) to visit Henry. It was just the perfect mini vacation that i've been needing. It kind of made me really anxious to want to move away from the bay area -- i really want to get away from here and set myself somewhere in SoCal for a year or so just so i can experience life in a different perspective. I'm bored here in the bay area, coming home made me feel like i just want to be anywhere but here. 

I was pretty much the only girl hanging out with a bunch of guys each day and night, and it wasn't too bad because they all treated me like i was some type of princess. Boy was i lucky to be blessed with a weekend full of gentlemen that took care of me! It was lovely, although i wouldn't have minded if there were a couple girls around -- not complaining too much about that though. Hehe. There was one girl that i met the first night i was there, but she was really drunk and disappeared with one of Henry's friends who i'm assuming is her dude. The last night i also got to party with Rachel, who is this girl that i went to high school with. 

What really sucked though was that i was basically hungover every day that i was in San Diego. I threw up the first night partying, and i think it was due to the Chipotle that i had once arrived. It wasn't long after that i began drinking. Well, it was really unfortunate for me because every day the boys wanted to go out and eat somewhere good, but i just would not have the stomach for it! All i wanted was soup or a something really really light...like a salad or bowl of fruit. I didn't want to be the one to say "no, i don't really want that" -- but even so, i definitely did not drive 8 hours to San Diego to not try the good eats out there...right? So, each day i'd go out and eat with the boys and i'd end up wasting hella food. I definitely hate to be the girl who has the tiny stomach with no appetite. I couldn't help myself though! And it really sucked because the places we went to go eat at were really good. I think it would've helped if i smoked in the mornings to boost up my appetite, but they only seemed to be into smoking at night. Weird. [Photo above with random white chick is at Phil's BBQ, where we waited 2 hours for food.]

The second day/night there, the guys spent all day trying to find me an id so i could go to the "booty basement" with them. It was a 21+ event. The whole trip was sort of like "We can go to the bar...oh, but Kathy isn't 21." Oh the bitter sadness of being so close to being 21, but just not quite there yet. We ended up going to this bonfire at the beach, where we had to walk down a steep ass cliff in the dark and drunk. Walking down it was not too bad, but walking up that shit was absolute hell. I was way too drunk to be doing that. I woke up the next day with my back in the most pain it has ever been in. Still a fun night none the less. 

The weather there that weekend was not as spectacular as i would have hoped it to be. It was actually hotter here in the bay than it was over there. There weather temperature itself was not too bad, but then it was just mostly cloudy. On the second day we were there, we all took a long stroll along the beach. I've never really done that before, but it was really nice and relaxing! Such a lovely environment to be in. The next day, after standing in line for two hours at Phil's BBQ,  we went to the beach a little bit later than we had intended to. So, i didn't bring my bikini out to wear. I stood in the water for a bit, and didn't really realize how high the tides were -- i got my shorts wet. I ended up just sitting on the sand soaking up the warmth of San Diego. It was really relaxing. :) I really hope i get a chance to go down there to visit Henry again sometime when the weather is absolutely superb. 

The last night, there wasn't too much going on. I was pretty slow at first to start drinking -- by this time, i've probably just had enough of drinking. Originally, i wanted to take it easy that night since Sandro and i had to drive back the next day...but of course it didn't really turn out as planned. Henry had people over his place, and had a mini party -- or kick back. Some people from my high school showed up! It was really nice, i haven't seen these people since graduation, which was three years ago. And honestly, i've never really had conversations with them before either. And i definitely have never ever partied with any of them. It's really neat to see how we've all changed and grown since high school. I was pretty drunk that night, so i didn't get to have much of a decent conversation with most of them, but i did manage to get us all together to get a photo. Leo and Allison should have been there, but they went to Arizona. Richard should have been there also, but he was on some type of date apparently. It's fun seeing partying with people you went to school with, even if you never really talked to them before! They were all very nice. 

The night dragged on for some time (i don't mean to say that in a negative manner), and i eventually just knocked out on the couch. I think around two or three in the morning, Henry woke me up to get me to go lay on his bed to sleep. Instead of going to sleep, once i laid down i shot right back up and went to go wash my face and brush my teeth. I was pretty much functional after that, and joined Sandro, Henry and his other two roommates at their dinning table. It was just about the most intriguing night i've experienced this whole year. After drinking all night, they opened up a bottle of red wine and sat there sipping on it. They pulled out a variety of cheeses from the fridge along with crackers. Then proceeded to have a little debate about the cheeses, and which one was better. They actually had a pretty long debate about that, they had so much to say about the cheeses. After their debate about cheese, they went into a longs discussion about vocabulary words. I just sat there in awe. I was so mind blown that these boys were sitting there at 3/4am, sipping wine, eating cheese, and having a discussion about vocabulary words. It was pretty incredible, i'm not going to lie. I mean, who does that? I don't know, but i loved it. 

Henry and i weren't able to take one single decent photo together the whole weekend...but it's okay. I hope to see you again soon Henry and San Diego, Ca. 

Why?

Sometimes i wonder...

Are you talking to me because i either danced with you one night while i was drunk and then made out with you -- or maybe i only drunkenly made out with you, so perhaps now you're hoping i'll give you a little bit more than that?

Or

Are you talking to me because i'm attractive to you, and you want to see how much i'd give in?

Or

Are you talking to me because you genuinely think i'm an intriguing person and you'd like to get to know me more?

Or

Do you genuinely want to be my friend?

Doors

I'm currently in school "studying" to be a nurse. I'm struggling a little bit because my drive isn't as strong for it as it should. Being en route to be a nurse takes a lot of dedication to actually succeed in the field, but my gear shift is stuck in neutral -- often it'll even go in reverse, but i can never put myself in fully in drive.

So, as of lately, i've been thinking a lot about my future. Is nursing where i really want to be, and what other paths are there for me to take? The medical field as a career has always been something that was embedded into me as a child. There was no other door for me to choose from, so i never felt like there was anything else out there for me to even consider getting into.

This left me with a very narrow mind with what there is available out there in the real world. What other types of occupations can catch my interests.

What do i really want to be when i grow up? That question seemed so much more simple when we were children, with a broad array of answers to give. Unquestionable about what is really attainable for nimble minded children.

Something people never fail to ask though is, "what interests you". That's not asked as often as you would think, but when i do come upon that question i wonder to myself what is it that really entices me. I feel that compared to most, my answer to that question is very bland.

My answer to that question goes as follows:
"Well, i don't really know. I like to go to the gym whenever i can and i also enjoy doing my nails. Other than that, i don't really do anything else on my free time except sit around in my room and watch netflix. Sometimes, i hang out with my friends...but you know we're all busy now a days so there isn't too much time for that. My free time is also very limited now because i have school till evenings twice a week, and every day that i'm not in school i would be at work."

Once for one of my classes, the teacher asked the students to say aloud one thing that is interesting about yourself. Of course no one can really share something that is hella interesting about themselves. The most interesting thing about myself, would probably be something very private that i wouldn't share with anyone. Who can really share something truly interesting about themselves anyways? Well some succeeded in sharing an interesting fact about themselves, and when my time came i responded with, "i really enjoy doing my nails..."

I have never thought about what other doors there are for me as a career option, since nursing has always been the main thing for me. It's always been something my mother has told me i should do, and i knew that if i would make her very proud if i was able to succeed in it. But am i living my life to succeed for my mother or am i living to succeed for myself? I am asked "why do you want to be a nurse?" and in all honesty, i have a great valid reason for why i do want to be one.

It's as cliche as anyone else's answer would be: "Well, i love to help people."
I mean, i manage to say more than that. I have a whole thing i say, and it's the same every time. But the journey in becoming a nurse, that's the scary part. Dreams are suppose to scare you, aren't they. The question of every hour for me is, do i really want to be a nurse. As captivating as it does sound to me to be able to help the ill on an everyday basis, i don't know if it's what i really really want to do.

Half of my mind says yes, the other half tells me there is more.

If you read up to here, congratulations you have just read 2.5 pages if this were on Microsoft word, times new roman, double spaced, & 12 pt font.

The continued part of my thoughts is below in Doors Pt. II, if anyone cares to read. I had to break it up so it wouldn't be so overwhelming. Toodles!

Doors pt. ii

So, earlier today i was talking to my friend Tram about how i was really unsure about what i wanted to do with my life. Well, i was sitting here earlier tonight thinking about my future and what it is that i'm really passionate about. Then, i had an epiphany.

It was similar to the epiphany that i had when i was younger watching Teen Moms and i realized what type of nurse i wanted to be, Labor & Delivery, but we'll get into that some other time perhaps. I was sitting here at my desk, and had just started playing the song "Stay High" by Tove Lo. When i opened up my blog it completely just hit me -- I want to be a writer.

You ever just have those moments where you realize something that has just been sitting in front of your face all that time, and your heads spins and your filled with pure joy? That basically happened to me. I'm not the best at writing, i know for darn sure i can be a whole lot better...but of all the things that bring me pleasure to life it would be writing. I've never seen it as something that i do on my free time, nor have i ever considered it as one of my interests considering that i always fail to mention it when people ask me. I figure it's because i've been doing this as a hobby for so long, that it's just part of what i do. That didn't really make too much sense.

I actually think that i've come up with this idea several times before. If money wasn't an issue, if i could pursue anything in life...it would have to be writing. I think what steered me away from the idea is the fact it is really hard to find success in such a field. When i was younger, i wanted to be an editor for cosmopolitan or something. That was a dream.

All this time i was asking myself what else there is, and i'd sit here typing on my computer wondering what else is out there for me in this life, when all along it was literally right below my finger tips.

However, there's a line between a career and a hobby as my wise friends has pointed out to me; which is exactly why i left the idea of pursuing this so called "passion" of mine in the first place, and continued on with the frustrating goal of becoming a nurse.

So maybe, this epiphany of mine is just one to have shown me what i really do enjoy in life. As a person of not so many words, this is where i like to spiel. This is where all my non spoken words throughout the day goes. The best and easiest way for me to express myself. Words are my things, and i like them typed out. I like them spoken to me, for i'm more of one to listen than to speak.

Someone once asked me if i had a linguistic fetish. Funny thing.

After i finished writing my previous post, "Doors", i decided to call it a night because that post turned out to be longer than i intended it to be, i strolled through Facebook and stumbled upon something on my news feed that one of my Facebook friends posted. "What Career are You Meant For?" How appropriate is it that as i'm sitting here in the middle of the night thinking about what i should really do with my life, this pops up on my newsfeed. So, i decided to take the silly quiz thinking to myself how bogus these things really are. I answered it as truthfully as i thought, and you wouldn't believe the answer it came up with.

Well fuck the shit out of me, if the Lord isn't giving me a sign right now then this must be some twisted joke. I really lost my shit and texted Justin how i can't believe it. I know, it's silly.

Perhaps, i'll keep my writing as a hobby. I'd love to improve on my writing skills and be more proper with it. I've head some say that when they made their hobbies there work, it became more as work and less of a hobby. So, i have that to consider as well.

This whole night of thinking about what i could do with my life has been fun and delightful, but i still feel stuck with what i want to do despite the sign i got earlier today.

Wish me luck, i suppose.

Misleaders

Men who appear to be interested in me, but aren't really interested is the sole reason of why i feel like i've given up on "love" or anything relatively close to the idea of being in a committed relationship.

Because honestly, i don't want to deal with any type of commitment, so a lot of the time i'm not interested in 95% of the men/boys/dudes that i encounter. Perhaps i fall too easily, and i am way too gullible or something. I could have cared less to begin with, but for one of them to act in a way that they care when they really don't, it sort of tricks my mind. I don't care about the words they say, but i think it's more of something like "why in the world do you even need to say that type of shit if you don't even mean it?"

Sort of disgusts me a bit.

Boss | Tinashe

Drunken Lies

Drunk words are not always sober thoughts.
Drunken words spoken, can still be thought up of lies.

It's as easy to lie when drunk as it is to when you're sober. Have you ever thought that maybe at a certain level of drunkness, one can find it easier to fish out comforting lies? That perhaps when one wants something, they can easily push it upon someone else through lies when they're drunk? Especially with this whole "drunk words, sober thoughts" thing is a thing.

Don't be fooled people, don't be fooled. A bullshitter is always a bullshitter whether they're drunk or sober. You can't expect someone to suddenly just blurt out the truth just because they're under the influence.

The whole, i want you shit is not what you think it is. They want you out of your pants.

I know that i for one, can be brutally honest when i'm drunk though. There are a lot of us weak nimble ones out there that can burst out the honest truth when under the influence, and many of which that can hold it together and continue a facade.

Toodles.

What I Might Do

Look at Me

You know how when you're in a relationship, you feel like you are the world to the person you're with and vice versa? I mean, i sure do hope that you feel that way one way or another at least.

You are the most beautiful sight that they've had the greatest pleasure to lay their eyes on, in a sense that it really doesn't matter who else sees you -- as long as they do. It's almost such a pleasurable feeling to know that no matter what, at least there is that one person who absolutely admires you in every possible way. That you can look your absolute worse, but be the most beautiful to them. So, who is there to need to impress? Why would you need to have the attention of anyone else?

They make you feel beautiful, they give you confidence. You radiate like the sun.

I know a lot of females are very confident on their own, and they don't need the attention of men to feel beautiful. Brava for them. I know that a lot of females lose their confidence a little falling out of relationships. What i do know it that, being in a relationship means you're supposedly beautiful all the time. It's easier to walk out looking like shit, because you won't care -- because why does it matter, you don't have anyone else to really impress. From my perspective, i feel like i'm more conscious about how i look when i leave the house. It's almost a little bit sad, because i do wish that i could still feel radiant.

Well, you ever notice how when someone is newly single, or even been single, likes to post up a lot of photos of their lives? Either that they're newly single so they like so show off what a great time they're having. How great they look. I thought about it a little tonight; about how one may feel in a relationship vs. out of one.

I noticed that way a particular girl i'm following on IG has just recently gotten out of a relationship. Pictures of her pop up more frequently. I see selfies and #ootd posts from her practically everyday. To top it off, it seems like now she's on a partying - socialite rampage. Not that it's a bad thing! Not at all, i wish i could be on a partying - socialite rampage myself. Well it made me wonder...i mean, i really hope i don't overly post photos obnoxiously. I find myself wanting to post more than i did before. There's a lot of ways to think about it. More time on my hands, perhaps wanting to appear that i'm satisfied and happy with my new found life. 

In the mind of a single female who posts up a lot of photos. She says that she wants to be seen. That now it's more important to feel beautiful. The boost of confidence perks up with each "like". It's really true. I don't think a lot of girls would admit to it. 

To me, her series of photos scream, "Hey look, i'm doing great. I'm doing fantastic without you. I have a great group of friends, and i've been living it up." Photos posted are shown to be seen, begging to be looked at. 

But really, what does it matter. What does it really mean? When you have a thousand eyes looking at you, lurking at your every move...it will never amount to the preciousness of the desire that a pair of eyes in love can do to your soul when they look at you with admiration. There's nothing that can make you feel more beautiful. 

fangirlscreaming

Something to know about me: I'm a groupie hoe for Miguel.

I fantasize about him singing to me.
Get Miguel to sing for me on my birthday, so i know that it's real. Get him to sing for me on any given day...and i'll love you for life.

So, i've followed him on twitter and the other day i saw him tweet something about how he was collabing with Cashmere Cat on something, so i decided to look it up:



Do You - Miguel x Cashmere Cat

Listening to this, i imagined myself engulfed in complete and utter euphoria as i'm on. So happy and blissfully melting as i enjoy the rhythm and beats. As Miguel's sweet voice surrounds my mind.

Maslow

I'm not the same person that i once was. More so, i'm definitely not that same person that i was one or two months ago. A little part of me has died inside, and it's changed me in ways i never could have imagined.

I can't exactly say what the change is, but i know there's something different. Either, something is missing or something has evolved within me. I know, that sounds contradicting because i just said that a part of me has died. Withered away into oblivion.

So, i've cut my hair. I feel like a different person. Does that sound silly? I don't feel like myself anymore. Sitting here tonight, i'm wondering who i am. Who have i become, and do i like what i see? I wouldn't say that i'm completely satisfied with who i am, and i'm genuinely working on self growth.

Have you heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? I'm going to attempt to explain it right now, so i can further explain how it is that i'm feeling about myself. I've put the pyramid therefor visualization. It's his theory for one's self motivation and happiness. Something like that, at least. Well, you start from the bottom of the pyramid, and he says that you need to obtain the needs of one tier in order to obtain the needs of the next. You need you physiological needs, in order to even be able to live. It's the basic needs of life, to simply put it. With that, it'll bring you safety. What you need to gain to feel safe is having the security within you life. Feeling like you have a secure foundation, helps you build relations with those around you which brings you the sense of love and belonging. Being able to maintain good relationships with those around you is important to your own state of mind. Because if you really think about it, it's the people around you that make you who you are today. Without them, where would you really be? This leads to your esteem. Being able to obtain the sense of love and belonging, is what brings you your esteem. It helps you strive, boosts your self esteem, and confidence. With all this, you reach the top of the pyramid: self actualization. This is when you come to be able to motivate yourself to succeed and be the best that you can be.

So, where am i going with this? Well, i feel like i'm lacking in the love/belonging section here. I've been thinking about it, and i think that's where my insecurity mostly stems from. I mean, i do have a few people that i feel do genuinely care for me. I also have my family, who are my greatest support system. But something is missing, because i don't have a sense of belonging. I feel this often, and it makes me feel really lost. I feel lack of motivation, because i don't feel like it's all that worth it to do whatever there is. I'm looking for myself, and as i do that i'm looking for a place to be. A place i can feel safe, and fit in.

Bye Long Locks

Today, I donated my hair to Locks of Love with Lisa. My hair was practically up to my tail bone, and i felt like maybe it was about time for me to try something new with my look. It was a really nerve wrecking idea to have myself step out of my comfort zone in this way. My hair meant so much to me, and honestly it was what boosted my confidence. My hair made me feel beautiful. So why did i decide to take make the decision to go for such a huge change? I guess because change welcomes growth.

I kind of miss my hair already. Another thing is, i'm about to turn twenty one in a couple of months, but i now look like a twelve year old. I need to figure out in what ways i can style my hair so it's more suitable for me. I haven't had short hair in forever! I can't believe i really went through with it. My mom called me crazy because my brother and sister's weddings are coming up in June. She was saying why would i do this, now i can't be pretty. I really do hope my hair will grow out enough by then so i can do pretty things with it. It's not like my hair is all that short anyways...

Yes, it's pretty short compared to what i had before. A little mortified.

What do you think of my hair? I wonder how long it'll take to grow back.
Today marks an important day.

 

These photos made me realize that my eyebrows are not working for me. I look mean, lol. One of my co-workers pointed out that they're a little thick. Note to self: new eyebrow routine -- yes, that shit's important too. 

Toodles!

"For Facebook!"

Had a family dinner today at my house, because my aunt (in the red) came from Vietnam to visit. My father really enjoys it when we have family get gatherings with his friends/immediate family there. 

Well, it was really cute when she wanted to take a series of pictures (like the one shown above). She had my sister's fiancé take a bunch for her. She took out her camera from her bag and said, "for Facebook!" I'm sure she's somewhere in her fifties. She's such an active lady that is full of life. According to what i've heard about her, it seems like her life is pretty easy compared to my parents. Which could explain how she can come to America and go back to Vietnam every so often the way that she does. 

Anyways, i wish i got some of the photos that she took with her camera, but i was too shy to ask. I was actually featured in one of them. My brother (in the green) posed like that on purpose, so it isn't really candid. She told my sister (in the magenta) to hold a beer and make it look like she's having fun. Lol. 

The Longest Text Message Ever

Childish Gambino | The Longest Text Message Ever

The Halo Effect

"The Halo Effect" --

It is possible that for the most of us, when we first meet someone, we get caught up in what is called the halo effect or also known as the attractiveness stereotype -- in which we have a biased overall impression of the person because we saw one character trait that stood out to as that is deemed as a great trait. This one good thing, will impair the rest of our judgement on the person and we fail to judge them on their bad qualities because we are more likely to block those out due to the good trait we originally saw. 

Are you following me here? Sometimes i feel like i don't make sense...

Well in terms on the attractiveness stereotype, we can see this happening when you meet someone who is attractive. You can't deny it, but you would more likely try and find good qualities in someone who looks good due to their good looks. Such as a guy who is attractive, it'll be easier for you to pick out good qualities in that person than it would be to pick out the bad. Oh he's a good looking guy, he's also very nice, and he's smart. Whereas a guy who you don't see as attractive, doesn't has a great of a chance of you picking up his good traits due to the fact that you aren't attractive to him. This guy, who isn't good looking would more likely have negative traits to come up; such as, he's nice but...blah blah. You know the gist of it, how it works. We are all a little shallow by nature. It's hard to admit, but lets be honest with ourselves here -- you can't start something up with someone that you just aren't simply attracted to. 

So, i suppose the halo effect is rather self explanatory at this point. I can see it occurring in many situations, and i'm sure a lot of us has been caught in it. It isn't always just off the bat with looks. I mean, a girl who is a solid ten can open her mouth and sound completely uneducated and she'll her points will probably drop as she keeps talking. In this case, instead of being able to pick out good traits, you only see bad and from there it's hard to really pick out positive characteristics of the girl. 

There's times when people are in relationships with people and they are "blinded by love", as a lot of people would like to call it. I'd like to think of it as a branch off from the halo effect. In which, one sees so much good in the person that they're with, that they either can't or refuse to see the bad in the person. 

We're all a little judgmental, whether we'd like to believe it or not. We have biased views on people, and first impressions are impactful to determine the future of a newfound relationship, whether it's as friends, coworkers, or lovers. The halo effect itself is an interesting phenomenon -- i guess, if you even want to call it that.

________

04/21/14: So, i just read over this and realized i made so many typos with spelling and grammar. How embarrassing. I'm too lazy to go through it and fix all my mistakes. I apologize. :(

Recap

I'm taking a break from watching Dexter on Netflix tonight, to take a brief moment to collect my thoughts. It's been quite a while since i've visited my blog. There would be times throughout my days where i'd be in deep thought and have the urge to blog. I make mental notes to myself to remind myself that i'll have to go blog about it later. By the time i get home, and settled in my current position in bed, the thought from earlier in the day vanishes. Probably not that significant...but they actually seemed rather insightful (in my opinion).

So, what shall i write about today? I suppose i'll just share with my readers what has been going on in my life, since i "let go" of the negativity in my life. Let's just start with saying that, i really just let go of a huge fat burden off of my shoulders and i have not felt so free in so long.

I find it silly of me because approximately two weeks ago, hell broke loose in my mind. Everyday was a dreadful day. I felt so completely hopeless of myself, and sleep really did not come easy at all. I blogged about a lost love, that was lost way long ago. I was holding onto nothing basically. I fell into a deep dark hole, and i was actually there for longer than i even realize. Thinking about it now, i was in that hole for a very, very long time. Well anyways, for the past couple of months that's where i was.  My mind and soul have been lost. I haven't quite found it yet, but i'm almost at complete serenity. I've been feeling more uplifted, and i can't believe i really stuck around for so long, and put myself in such a position. Who am i to blame, but myself for my misery and suffering. I let this boy step all over me, and i have finally ridden myself of him. It's a sad thing, indeed...when once a lover becomes someone you don't even know anymore.

I think i'll have to write a separate blog about that particular situation another day.

Anywho, i have some ideas. I might take next quarter off. In efforts of figuring myself out, and to figure out what i want for myself and within my life. I was thinking of also changing my major -- i'll elaborate about that later, when i find out more information. Another job is in mind. Perhaps one as a unit clerk in a nursing home, or maybe even in a gym so i can get cheap/free membership.

Work has been keeping me busy, and getting checks bi-monthly is really nice especially now that it's not less that $200. I have a love hate relationship with my current petty job.

Lisa and i want to go to Hawaii, and i think i'm going to look into planning something for that after my birthday. It seems like it'd be really fun, but only if i have the money for it. It's something i want to happen. My family may be going on a family vacation for the first time since i was 12! I'm so excited, if it's really going to happen...we haven't gone a legit trip together in a really long time. Judging by my family, i feel like i might not happen...but one can hope, right?

I would love to write more, but it's 3am and i'm exhausted.

Goodnight, and toodles.

30 Beats

How much do you know about what is called "transference"? What you think you feel for me is not what you really feel. What you feel are projected, redirected feelings that you shouldn't feel like feeling -- not real feelings. They're feelings from you past that you are transferencing to me...on me...onto me, but not onto the real me -- onto some idea that you have of me. An interesting contradiction. The fluidity of sexual energies and self control.

- 30 Beats

I ran out of things to watch on netflix, so i decided to watch one of the independent films that they have called 30 Beats. I thought it was going to be some romance movie, but it was really just about a bunch of people hooking up. Sort of interesting in a way, but also a little slow. Each person's hook up lead to another encounter of a one night stand of some sort. Perhaps with a stranger, old friend, doctor, or best friend. Well this quote stood out to me. I never even heard of the term "transference", but what that guy said to the girl that was throwing himself at her made some sense to me. It's an interesting concept. I wasn't able to exactly get the quote down word for word, but i tried my best. So i tried to google a part of it to see if the rest of the quote would pop-up, but instead a bunch of scientific shit popped up about love, lust, and transference. I haven't had the time to really look into this concept, but once i definitely will.

From what the quote says, i guess sometimes in a stage of vulnerability you feel lust or find yourself infatuated with someone. However, it's not that you actually really want the real them...you just want the idea of them, around you. In other words, i want to say its similar to rebounding. Is it? I don't really know. That's just what i got out of context.

I'll look into all this, and be back with more. Maybe. Toodles.

Letting Go

I was awakened during my sleep by something earlier. It must have been my subconscious mind telling me something...i've say here since three just thinking to myself.

I deleted a couple of my blog posts, well actually i just reverted it back to draft. I should have more pride in myself than to actually post such pathetic things for the world to see. I only drafted a couple that sounded absolutely bad. Let's be honest here, a lot of my posts are pretty bad.

Well, i came across one of my posts saying something about how maybe one day i'll just wake up finally realize that it's time to let things go and just move forward from it all. A lot of why i've been stuck is because i've still been holding on, and talking to him. Well...this past week as been quite the reality check for me really. I guess i'm just that type of person (sadly) where i need to seriously get slapped in the face to finally realize what i need to do -- the guy put me through absolute shit, and i never took that as my sign to walk away until this moment. It's like i need to know that he, too, is done with it for me to be able to say "okay, yeah so am i". Yeah, i mean how sad is that...i know, i know.

Well it's four am now, practically and i think i'm ready to say that i'm ready to let it go. It's time to embrace myself, and move forward from the negativity. Time to pick myself up, and find myself all over again. It'll all be okay.

All this time, it's not like i was still in love with the guy. I was just stuck and lost in the transition again. Fooling myself and blinded by despair.

And in the end of it all, i hate him probably as much as i once loved him. And that could just be about the strongest sense of hate i will ever feel for a person. Makes me feel sickened that i could have once loved a person that probably never really cared, the way he made it seem like he did. But i can't say the feelings i once had for him weren't real. I can't take back that love i gave, i can't take back those words i once said and put so much time and thought to put down into words on a silly blog...because at one point those feelings were sincere. Now it's all just silly.

Animals

Sometimes, i want to believe in reincarnation. I want to believe that once i die, i'll come back to life in a different form. Then sometimes, i really wish i could just fall into eternal sleep already and come back and as an animal. Like, now.

I'm tired of the human race, and i'm tired of being human. Human's are terrible, but yet...we're kind of awesome at the same time. But look at what we've done -- we're monsters that have created a monstrous society. 

So much for being technologically advanced. Having more is not any much better. Why do we need all this stuff...why do i even find the need to have a macbook to type out my stupid thoughts on? Well i don't know, we've just all come so adapt to this world that we've put ourselves into. All this stuff that we've created has become a necessity to life. Laptops, smartphones, tablets?! 

There was no need for any of this back in the 80s or 90s -- which by the way, we're perfect decades. Can i just time travel? Then i won't find the desire to become a bear.

Sometimes i wonder what people did back then, when all this technology was not around. We wrote letters to each other, that took about 3 days or so to reach the other person. Imagine that...we can even barely bare to sit around waiting for an hour for our crushes to even text us back now a days!!

How is it that we were once able to live without all this stuff, but now we can't seem to go without it. We feel naked without our phones. Waiting for the food to come when you're on a date, has become a quite moment looking through instagram instead of talking. What the fuck, man.

We destroy, we lie, we steal, we hurt, we're selfish, we suck.

Animals, are amazing. They're lucky sons of a bitches who don't need to stress about money and work. They go about their days frolicking around, because they don't need technology to ruin their lives. Total beastly savages, who fend for themselves. And love the ones that love them. I think that's how a lot of the animals work.

We are real animals, the worst type of animal there is out there. Polluting and ruin this beautiful world. 

20

I'm twenty years old, and I think I can safely speak for anyone else that's currently twenty or has experienced being this age when I say that being twenty is possibly the most awkward time of ones life.

You're twenty years old, and you're patiently waiting for that moment when you finally reach the legal age for life. It's like, you're legal but you're barely there. Almost like a lab rat running  on a mini treadmill chasing a piece of cheese in front of him. The cheese is right there - so close, yet so out of reach. It's finally the year you've been waiting for! But now your friends have already reached 21, and they're going all out enjoying being legal while you can't join in because there's only just a couple months left till you get there. Oh the agony.

I'm legal in August. So close, yet so damn far away...why couldn't people cut me some slack, I'm almost there! Let me into your club! 

Just kidding about that last part.

Then there's the whole thing about being a young adult at this time of your life. Trying to really figure out what you're all about and what you want to do with your life. It seems like a lot of people at this age has it all figured out, but in reality I think a lot of us are just winging as the day goes by. No, but really I think a lot people are well established with knowing what they're doing, and which path they're turning into. Whereas, I feel like my path hit a fork and one road is about to hit a dead end - except that's the road I chose so now I have to turn around and go down the other road. I feel like I've wasted a colossal amount of time in my life, but I'd like to tell me it's okay...what's the rush. Just take it at a pace that you're comfy with and slowly, but surely I'll get to the finish line.

Then I realize I'll never reach the real finish line till I'm old and am a prune. Looks like I really have a long ways ahead of me. With so many turns to take down the road. 

We aren't really mature yet. Then again, will we ever reach the right peak of maturity? It's all in how we handle things, the way we think, etc. Sometimes I'd like to think I'm okay, I'm mature. But I know for sure, that I still have a lot of growing up to do. Especially with the fact that I need to really just get my shit together, and really be aware of what's going on around me. That should really be something for me to work on. 

We're in young adult hood. Where things have just got started. If things are tough now, just wait. Adult hood is about to be scary. I think to depict how tough we will have it, we would have to have it extra tough now. Then vice versa. 

I guess I should just enjoy the next five months of being an awkward young adult. 

I Want You

I Want You | Common

Natural

I thought that the love we had came so naturally. I mean, i thought what we had was love. Nothing was ever so forced, and each moment spent together was pleasant.

There was never awkwardness, even when we were mad at each other. Even in the midst of anger as we sat in the same vicinity of one other stonewalling each other, it was never really so much as a strange feeling. It wouldn't be a moment of, "fuck, what am i suppose to say now" it's just flat out "i'm upset and i don't care to talk." And that was okay, because we could be mad and still just be in one another's presence until one of us puts our pride down and makes things better. Do you know what i mean?

I loved that. 

I love how natural love can be. In any moment, with any feeling. 

Perhaps i'm just a big sack of corn (cause i'm corny, and full of cliches), but my mind was always stuck on the honey moon stage. Even when things got sour, once it got right again my mind would float back into bliss. Maybe, that isn't such a good thing. Maybe my head is stuck in the clouds too often, to realize what i should be aware of...

Open Season

Girl:"Where's your boo thang at??"
Me: "I don't have a boo thang! I'm single."
Guy1: "You're single?"
Me: Yes
Guy2: "Oh dang, so you're on the market huh"
Me: "Yeah, i'm on the market. It's open season."


What i said when i was drunk last night -- then i realize that could've been one the worst things to come out of my mouth lol...

Guns

Gun are crazy things. Have you ever held and shot one? It's an insane feeling to pull that trigger. Pulling a trigger to a gun and firing at a piece of paper is really no big deal. It's the idea of holding a man made object that has the ability to kill someone. That's the insane part. I mean, we all know what guns are capable of. You hear about it on the news, and there's a whole controversy on the issue of guns. Kids somehow get their hands on a gun and accidentally kill their sister/mother/father because they were either mad, or just foolish. "Guns kill" they say.

What are your opinions on guns?

They aren't that heavy, and once you get the right grip you can get comfortable holding them pretty quick. Shoot a few rounds, and eventually you will get the hang of it. Initially, it's scary because you have no idea where the hell the rounds will fly off to.

It's insanely loud too. You hear guns on television, sometimes you even hear it in the dead of night being shot off. Then you hear it being shot in person, and it's like you can feel it in your chest. The loud bang. It's nuts.

I'm more of a passive aggressive person, sort of. I'm definitely more passive than i am aggressive. I feel that sometimes for someone like me, i may have more aggression bottled up inside of me than i would want. Sometimes it's really just too much for me to even handle...

Well i thought about maybe buying a gun. Before you get all ahead of yourself thinking what in the god's name world do i want to do with a damn gun, well i want to go shooting once in a while and let off steam.

Maybe i could be like Bree from Desperate Housewives.
That was clearly a joke.

Then i thought about what would happen if one day something inside of me dies a little, and i have access to a gun...then what.

Mascara

It's 7:00pm, and she's sitting there in front of her mirror generously applying coats of mascara to her eyelashes.

She wants her eyes to be what you notice when you look at her -- not her hair of which she spent thirty minutes curly, or the outfit she spent twenty minutes putting together. She doesn't want you to notice her cleavage subtly peeking from her blouse, or even the way her ass shapes so nicely in those jeans. She wants her eyes to be what you see...when you see her. She wants you to look into her eyes, and see what she feels when she looks at you.

When she looks at you, something inside of her explodes lightly. Perhaps it's butterflies...but what she feels is more than just silly butterflies. Get trapped in her glance, get trapped in her eyes and look into her soul. Her everlasting soul, and shine some light into that dark abyss. You can save her.

She's hoping you notice her desire for you. She's hoping you catch her quick stares, and see the effort that she put in to make it look like she "looks good without even trying". It's that glance of lust, desire, passion...but you never notice her.

The light that shines in her, and shines through her eyes when she sees you dies a little. She goes home, and it's 2am. She has had quite a few drinks. She comes home, to an empty room -- feeling empty.

She sits there in front of her mirror, and stares at herself as dark lines of mascara drips down from her face. And the hour or so that she spent putting so much effort in the way that she looked that night, only took a quick instant to ruin. Her eyes are running, and you see it on her face now. You see that dark abyss on her face -- in her eyes.

Late Reflection

I was just looking back through my blog archive, and i noticed that last year (2013) i had the least amount of blog posts compared to all the other years (excluding 2007).

I was actually only just looking at the blog titles, and that's enough for me to just get the gist of what i  talked about in the post. Well it made me realize that 2013 was such a rocky roller coaster ride for me. It is the third month into 2014, and i am now just reflecting upon 2013 with a clear mind.

2013 started off with me newly single with that whole, "life is good, and i'm better off on my own" mentality. I was going out a whole lot, and eventually all that partying caught up to me and i got incredibly sick for the first time since freshman year of high school. My mother went to Vietnam, and left me at home with my dad for a month.

As i was recovering from my sickness, and a week or so after my mother left my ex came slithering back into my life slowly but surely. I was quick to forgive him, and allowed him back into my life -- with caution. It all seemed so right to me at the time. I felt so positive and reassured that everything was going to turn out great, because "we will be better" i said. I didn't want to have us be in anything that we weren't mutually okay with. So i remember saying to him, "I want you to be sure of this. I don't want you to hurt me again" and he told me that he was sure, that letting me go once was the biggest mistake of his life, and he would never do anything to jeopardize losing me again...

That was around late January or early February of last year. Through the motions we went of becoming us again. Not just us, but more like the new and improved us. Or so i thought so at least, or so i felt. Months went by, and things were great until something happened. I don't quite know what it was. Perhaps it was sudden absence that caused a shift in our parade. But just like it was previously in 2012, something that caused constant bad vibes caused a sudden confession of feelings that lead things to go down hill. And as i felt that things were going rocky, i felt myself grasping us with every bit of my being to only -- without anticipating it -- caused for him to suddenly out of no where confess something to me in October, that had my whole being come tumbling down in agony and despair.

In the midst of things, i found myself wanting to just forgive and forget. To let go and continue to love. Only to just continue to be shaken by the harsh reality of who this person that i've loved for so long really is. And then came the most emotionally stressful three months of my life, due to me being an idiot and saying that we should just continue to go to school together. I witnessed him trying to court another female, and it hurt me so deeply -- like a knife literally stabbing me in my chest -- but of course i tried to hide it under a mask and smile through the pain. After all, i was the one who allowed myself to be put through such misery. Where then i picked up smoking more frequently than usual, because being around him was too stressful for me to handle.

End of the quarter came, and i guess i became less mad at everything that happened between us. My mood shifted, and i became more calm. Just brushing off anything he had to say.

I then decided to redo my room and repainted my walls back to white. I wanted to just have my room pure again, and rid it of the terrible memories. Since i couldn't move, painting it was the best i could do. Perhaps i wasn't genuinely happy, but i found myself being more and more okay in the month of December.

Towards the end of December, i went to Tahoe. The trip was therapeutic to me, and i came back home in 2014 feeling so pleased and at ease with myself. Until now, I'm here in reality. Just feeling rather lost. And i feel like i handled the break up at the beginning of 2013 so much better than i am now. That in 2013, i felt progression; whereas i'm just stuck currently.

That was seriously 2013 in a nutshell. Oh life, you sure love to play games with me.

My Hair

I love my hair.

It took me a long time to grow out, and to bring it back to life again. You know, after years and years of putting it through the torture of straightening everyday ever since i discovered the wonders of a straightener in seventh grade. It wasn't until probably junior or senior year maybe that i stopped going through the troubles of straightening my hair every day.

Sophomore year, i got a hair cut it was the shortest it has ever been since elementary school. It was only up to about below my collar bones, which isn't all that bad...but it looked pretty terrible because it was layered and short. So my shortest layer on my head was probably around my ear somewhere. I don't know, but i wasn't too fond of it especially with my awkward body and all. I just felt awkward. I'd have to say that it grew out nicely though.

So, i've been contemplating on cutting my hair short again after my birthday in August. Not hella short, probably just up to my collar bones again. But this time, i think i'll go with a hair cut that'll actually work for me -- hopefully. My hair is currently up to my belly button or so. This decision is a big decision, and many girls can relate. Our hair is our life, basically.

Truth of the matter is that, guys find females with longer hair more attractive. We as ladies, find ourselves more attractive with long hair. You always hear the regrets that girls have about a month or so after cutting their hair short, but you never hear a girl with long hair wishing they can go short again. I think it definitely has a lot to with how long it takes for hair to grow out again, and the decision to just go and actually cut your hair short aid an easy task.

My decision to cut my hair short is not yet set in stone...i'll see how i feel after my birthday. I want a change, but i don't know if i want to make that change my hair. I guess that's what stepping out of your comfort zone is though, to do what you're scared to do...

Well i posted a status on Facebook one night, wondering if i should go short or not and i got mixed responses from people. It's not like i'll really genuinely value their opinions to make or break my decision, but it was more to just see if anyone could tell me if i'd look dreadful with short hair. It is all based on the shape of your face, you know? I considered talking to a professional about it. Lol. Yes, this is really a big deal.

I got a text from someone that said, "No, don't cut off all your pretty hair" as though if i did, i wouldn't be pretty anymore. Or more like, if i did he wouldn't find me pretty anymore. Not to sound vain, but i really do get a lot of compliments on my hair. And strangely, guys like to play with it sometimes. Well i was sitting around and thinking, my hair doesn't make me who i am. Like India Arie said in one of her songs, I am Not My Hair.

Well if i cut my hair, and i'm no longer "pretty" to you then obviously you don't genuinely find me a "pretty" person. Because if you were genuinely into me for who i am, my hair should not matter what length it is. Is he telling me that he will no longer find me attractive? That he'd prefer that my hair stay long. I guess the new flash here is that i'm not here to satisfy the views of how you wish to see me. Sure, guys find it attractive when ladies have long hair...and i'll admit that i had a conversation with one of my girl friends saying that i wouldn't feel pretty anymore if i didn't have long hair. Most of the reason of that had to be because of the idea of beauty that is embedded into the society saying that long hair is beauty. Long hair is what sexy is.

Maybe a response such as, "you would still look just as lovely, even with short hair".
But i guess i don't really have someone that cares for me in such a way like that to tell me something so corny as that. "Simpin" shit, as some would say now a days...