Have you ever liked someone, but the timing was off? They seemed to have such nice qualities of themselves, but something just wasn't right. Maybe something just didn't click. Then maybe, because of the bad timing, you just ended up picking out little flaws of them to make an excuse of why they aren't right for you. No attraction, really that's what it might've been. All in all though, the timing may just have not been right.
They came to you at the wrong time in your life. Perhaps you're trying to find yourself. Maybe you're trying to be happy with yourself, or love yourself before you could feel ready enough to be happy with and love someone else. Too many things going on in your life, maybe their life is going no where. Age differences.
The question was, "Why did you decide to give me a chance?"
Well, simply put, you came into my life at just the right time. I'm glad that i met you when i did, and gave you the benefit of the doubt. Because probably, if i met you a month or so earlier, it wouldn't be the same. Do you know what i mean? Interesting how that works.
I realized that i don't have that many people in my life where i can just call whenever and they'll be completely down to hang out with me, to keep me company. I don't have many girlfriends, i actually...honestly feel like i don't have any at all. Just Lisa i guess. Christina may just be out of the picture because her and i are on completely different paths with life, same goes for Tram.
Yet, Lisa is always with her boyfriend. Same goes for me though. If my boyfriend is available, i'm always with him. But then when he isn't and i'm not with him, i generally don't really want to ask Lisa if she wants to hang out. I don't know, i'm strange in that way. Don't want to third wheel, and i don't want to ruin their plans.
My main problem is that i'm shy and it makes me a little uncomfortable in a way to hang out with people that i'm not so used to hanging out with.
I don't know. I wish i had more girl friends though. Girls i can talk to about anything, girls who got my back. Girls where when one is busy, the other one is available.
I miss having girlfriends. Can't believe i lost them all. Sucks.
Sometimes i feel lonely. Sometimes i feel pathetic. I don't do anything, i don't go anywhere, i don't see anyone. I'm in my house...doing nothing. And i've become so used to it that i don't even think about wanting to go out anymore.
If i didn't have my boyfriend, my days would consists of nothingness. No one to text, no one to talk to. No one to see or hang out with on weekends.
I realized that i don't make an effort to really do anything for myself because i guess in a way i put my boyfriend first. Such as, if he is available to be with me i want to be completely available for him. I wasn't really like this with my previous boyfriend, where i'd make a bigger effort to be with my girls. Then again, thats when i had girlfriends.
Starting to feel super studious nowadays. I spend at least 2-5 hours doing homework a day, depending on what i have to do. Maybe even more if i add studying and shit to it all also. The other day i even went to the library with Justin to do homework there, and the following day after i stayed after school and sat at the study hall with my friend to do more homework. Knowing me, that just seems so crazy. Because i was never known to be the person that'd actually sit down and get my shit done. My goal is not to procrastinate with anything because i don't want anything to pile up and stress myself out hella much more. Like right now, the amount of work i have to do hasn't really been stressing me out too much, however, the school work seems to be piling up a little.
I think because now i have finally faced the dreadful essay that my teacher assigned to me that's due in a couple of days. My first essay of my college life, and i have to right about nature. Nature...as if essays itself weren't such a pain in the ass to write in the first place, i have to now write an essay about my encounter with nature. I was pretty minded blown by that because how much can you possibly write about your encounters with nature? It's suppose to be a descriptive essay on one event where you had a certain encounter with nature. Pretty bizzare, but i guess thats the point of writing about nature. To challenge your writing ability, because if you can make reading a paper about nature interesting to read then you did pretty good at being descriptive in the essay. Am i right?
Then i have my first legit test that i need to study for for psych. And once again, knowing me i never really ever sat down and cracked open a book to actually read the material and have is dissolve in my mind. I tried to read a chapter in the book, but shit it's too much. My mind melted from all the words i was putting into it. I gave up and continued on doing math homework.
I definitely rather struggle with math homework than sit and study for psych and write an essay for english.
My boyfriend starts school next Monday, and he sees me with all my homework he's stressin himself out being all worried about how he may not even have the time to do all of this. He's going to continue working too, and i told him to just pace himself so he doesn't get overwhelmed. I'm afraid that we may not be able to find time for each other, other than the time that we'll end up spending doing homework together...if that even happens ._.
I'm really considering actually looking for a job now though. Probably not retail because they expect a lot, especially over the weekends and i need my weekends to buckle down and get what i need done done. Some down time...the only reason why i don't want one is because i know i'm going to be pretty overwhelmed with a job and school. Mostly i want to make sure i have time for my boyfriend. Is that kind of a bad thing? I mean i can handle school and him, but if i'm working, going to school, and he's working and going to school we probably definitely wont ever be able to find down time for just the two of us away from school and work.
I've been pretty sad lately because i don't have money for anything anymore, i'm up to my last couple of dollars from the last paycheck at ALDO. I feel bad that i can't pay for food or anything, and my boyfriend pays for almost everything. Then winter is coming up, and i really wanted to go out and buy all the jackets and coats and warm stuff i could possible get so i can enjoy my winter for once. I honestly only have like 2 jackets that would keep me warm. Fuck. And then Christmas is coming up too, and so is my boyfriend's birthday. :(
Lately, my posts have been focused on school related topics. I guess that must just mean that i got school on my mind a lot nowadays. Wish me luck with the rest of the year.
Here's a song that's irrelevant to this post, but lightweight relevant to portions of my life.
So i talked to a counselor the other day at Ohlone. I wanted to ask her about what type of route i should take to pursue my nursing career, asked her about where a good place to transfer to is, and also asked her about the classes i should be taking.
She pretty much mapped out my next two years for me with a list of what classes i should be taking in order to transfer to say...SJSU? I have the list with me, it will definitely be very useful for me. Need to stay on top of things!
Apparently, i don't even need to transfer out of community college. I can just join the nursing programs at any type of CC and go from there. By doing this, everything is supposedly set up for me to acquire my degree faster. I'm not exactly sure how that works though. I've always thought that people go to a CC and then transfer after however many years to a state or UC. So, i'm a little struck by this idea of just staying in community college. For some reason it doesn't sound right, but then there are so many upsides to it. Saves money, and easier in some sense.
I'm a bit stuck on what my plan is now. For what to do. I really need to think this over because depending on which route i want to take (stay at a CC or transfer), i need to do things differently because there are different requirements for them.
If i was going to stay at a CC i'm probably going to hop on over to De Anza or Foothill. Many CCs have a good nursing program, Ohlone being one of them also. And if i wanted to transfer, i don't think i'm going to be going to Socal. I wanted to before, but i'm not so sure now. I just want to get this schooling over with. I don't need to move so far ._. So my two choices of where to go now are either SJSU or SF state. They just sound like reasonable choices. I have my mind on SF state for right now though...but i'll see.
It would take approximately 2.5 years for me to transfer, assuming that i pass all my classes and get all my credits fulfilled.
Good luck to me! :)
Need to think of more questions to ask the counselor so i can go back and clear some stuff up for myself. Some things are a little bit confusing for me to understand especially since i'm hearing other nursing majors talk about different things.
Girls need to get it together. What's up with them these days? Why are they just all over the place, i don't understand. What ever even happened to self value? Wait, did that make sense...
It makes me kind of sad, seeing that there are so many girls out there willing to expose themselves and degrade themselves in such a way just to get guys or whoever to drool over them. To get those compliments telling them that they're sexy as hell. I don't know, what ever happened to conservatism?
Where i'm getting these thoughts from:
Girls, randomass girls from who knows where. Girls that i never seen, i don't know of and never even heard of until the second i see them on my Tumblr dashboard. Either holding their boobs together, showing off their assets, licking their lips, dressed hella hoe-like, etc. You know what i'm talking about right? Why must they do this. I mean, yah they have a cuteass face and all and they're looking good too...but why do this to themselves? Degrade themselves like that?
Because what most guys think of when they see their photos of whatever, they're thinking to themselves "damn, she's smoking i'd smack that" The thought of guys drooling over them probably boosts up their self esteem probably. Sad because they're already pretty and they feel the need to feed off of that type of attention. It saddens me, it really does.
Girls are so special, we're like gifts. But then some just don't value their self worth. They feel worthless, so they feel the need to try and something of themselves that is actually worth something...fishing for compliments? We're beautiful creatures created by god to complete society. We provide, and care. We're amazing at what we do....
I wish that girls wouldn't do that kind of stuff to themselves. I wish they'd conserve themselves. Give the guys something to think about you know? Rather than just letting them see it all...something to think about...something to wonder about. Okay, that sounds kind of weird.
Respect yourself, respect your body. Respect what you're made of. You have to be able to respect yourself for others to respect you too.
Think about it...fucking put on some damn clothes, stop taking pictures hella scandalously. PLEASE. Stop degrading yourselves. Be classy damnit. Fuck.
And the crazy thing is, apparently it is now legal for young girls of the age of 15+ to take slutty pictures of themselves. Honestly, i didn't even know that it was illegal in the first place. I guess. I heard the on the Phillip De Franco Show on youtube.
Didn't do too much today. I had a little plan in my mind of what i should do while i waited for Babe to come over. I was going to give my dogs a bath but then i realized i wanted to go buy fur whitening shampoo for my dogs, but i wanted to go to the store with him just to give us something to do. Plus i had to go pick him up anyways because his car is down again, and the store would have been on the way home. Only to my very own failed attempt to actually buy the dog shampoo, i went to walmart and bought everything but the shampoo. -______- So washing the dogs may just have to wait till tomorrow.
Anyways, babe was pretty much taking days trying to figure out his situation with his car. That thing keeps breaking down i swear. Dumb bimmer. Just kidding...but really. Poor guy's been dumping hella money on the thing. WHAT ABOUT ME. Sheesh...okay i'm really kidding about that one. And he tells me i'm running him dry on money. Pffttttt.
I felt pretty lazy after i realized it'd take him a while to be done, i didn't really want to do anything productive anymore like i originally planned. So, i decided to just lay in bed and watch Blue Valentine. I was reading the reviews for that movie and people said that this movie portrays the truth about life, family, and love so well. I mean, not everyone's life is like this but it does definitely show the hardships and struggles that some people do actually have to go through to keep their love going. So basically it was mostly about the hardships of love.
The movie got me thinking. I don't really want to spoil too much of the movie, because if you're into these kinds of sappy love dramas it's definitely something you should consider watching. Especially because Ryan Gosling from the Notebook stars in it.
So, it has me thinking about the "everlasting love" that couples vow to give each other when they're standing up at the alter or wherever giving each other the promise of their life time for better or for worse and all that. Everlasting love...does it last? Does love last? I mean, i could be wrong. I'm only 18, i haven't been through too much. I haven't been married. This is just what i think, what i assume from observing the things i hear, read, and watch. Marriages failing, people falling out of love, love vanishing, fading, failing.
Does the flame stay lit forever? Or does it eventually dim out slowly...
The flame of a candle compared to the love between two people or for a particular person. The spark..."the spark" that ignites the flame of potential or possible love. Without "the spark", there's no way that there could really be true chemistry between two. I heard from somewhere, probably from another movie, that "the spark" is just some fairy tale fantasy that girls make up in their mind. They made it up so they can have something to find, to let them know if the choice they're making is going to work out for them...i heard that somewhere, something like that. But i mean, it's this feeling we get when we're with someone we like. It's like butterflies, good chills, great vibes, good company, etc. Stuff like that, i guess that's what "the spark" actually is.
The flame i guess would be equivalent to the "burning passionate love" between two people. Such a strong connection, such great chemistry, such joy and laughter shared amongst the two. This is when the love is strong and powerful, where you'd think that nothing can ever bring you down. Like an inferno. So hot, so strong, so powerful. I guess that's why they call it burning love.
Overtime it just becomes the same routine, i guess. You two have just been through the same thing so much already. All the "i love you, baby" that's said constantly may soon become less frequent, the mini surprises, the loving gestures, the things you love that they do may just fade. The flame is dimming down, the spark is losing it's spark. Maybe you got bored, maybe you got tired of the same old thing. One person stops trying, the other stops caring making the other one not care either which results to the other not really trying either. It's like a game to see who will break first...or will is going to actually try to spark a match and make the candle light up again.
What happened? That's the crazy part. The saddest thing is when such great love, fades away. Not because someone did something, but because their love simply just faded away. It dimmed down, it's not as strong, not as powerful anymore. What happened? Nothing...nothing at all, and that's the saddest thing.
I don't know. I'm not saying this happens to everyone. It happens though, to the best of us. It really does make me think though. Does it last? Does it really last, in some lucky cases they do. But in others, married couples just stick it through till the end just because it either feels right or it's family they're worried about.
In the movie, the guy was trying one last time to make it work and he said, "do you want frankie to grow up in a broken family?" and she responding saying that the family was already broken. Things like that are always tough. Some people try to stick it through for the kids, but the kids can always tell if something isn't right. In the end, the daughter runs after him telling him to stay. That broke me up.
The guy sang this song to her when he was trying to get to know her, sang it to her while playing the uke i think and she danced to it while he sang. I found it ironic because he's singing this song "You Always Hurt the One You Love", and he fell for her when he first laid eyes on her. His love for her actually was there the whole time, till the end. It was her that lost it. She fell for him too, she really did. Unfortunately, she just didn't want it anymore. He sang this to her when they were younger, when he was slowly falling for her and she hurt him. No explanation, no chance to revive it.
You should really watch this movie, it say a lot in some sense. Sorry, i kind of ruined the ending. Watch it anyways if you want and get the chance to.
I really liked this song in the movie. It was cute.
♥
p.s. My boyfriend said the sweetest thing to me today, and i absolutely love and adore him even more for that.
Just got done watching Unknown with my boyfriend. Damn, the movie was hella good. He and i have been going out and renting movies from Redbox lately cause i don't even have cable anymore, and my house gets boring sometimes. There's just so much you can do. It doesn't have a wide variety of choices though. I guess you can't expect too much since the movies are just a buck each for the day.
Done with the second week of school. Today was such a nice Thursday for me! Took my first test in my math class this morning at 915am, and as soon as i finished i just left. That was such a nice feeling. So i pretty much was just in class for about 20-30 minutes, when usually class would end at 1050am. I decided to just go home because i had about 5 hours or so till my next class which was at 215pm. Did my psych homework, and went out to have yummy Chipotle with my lovely boyfriend. I woke him up early to go eat with me. Hehe. He went off to work, and i went off to school. I turned in my first assignment for Psych which was a take home test. Wasn't too difficult because it was a take home test. I might have a made few errors, but it's okay...sort of. Anyways, sat in class for about and hour. We didn't even do much in class today, just went over the test that was on APA formatting. My teacher let us out an hour early. When he first said that we could go, i was just so mind blown i wasn't sure if he was serious or not. I mean, that's the first time i ever experienced that. My mouth literally dropped. That was a super nice feeling.
I went home and took care of some business with the bank, and then took a nice two hour nap. Haven't taken long naps in a while. I shouldn't have napped because that messes up my sleeping schedule. Like right now, how i'm wide awake at 2am.
Oh, i took my school I.D today. LOL. The picture was pretty horrible because the lighting was just bad...oh well, not tripping too much. Don't even know what i would use the I.D for...discounted movies maybe? But i got a free planner. So that was pretty neat. :p
Kay, i never really talk about my day like this. I basically just rambled on for hella days...
At first, i was still kind of in "summer mode". Really hasn't exactly hit me that i started college yet. It's starting to sink in just a little bit, because i'm really trying to put my mind into it. Last week was my first week of college. Got to experience that great feeling of getting my first Friday off. To make it even better, i get a four day weekend due to Labor day on Monday. Friday felt like a Saturday to me, and today felt like a Sunday. But each time i forgot it was Friday and realized that it was, and how i didn't have to go to school i felt so awesome inside. :)
I got a couple of homework assignments already. Of course though, even in highschool they assign you homework the first week. For a moment i didn't even think about homework, but then somehow it hit me that...i need to check to see if i have any homework. Good thing i did check because i have a bunch of stuff due on Tuesday when we get back from out four day weekend. So good thing i started it already. I don't want to overwhelm myself with anything.
So far my toughest class has been math. Mostly because i haven't done any "real" math in a really really long time that my mind isn't even used to any of these algebraic equations and what not anymore. Everything was basically like trying to pick up a lost language or something. Basically. Trying to get the hang of that again. Everything that my teacher talks about in class and lectures on is such a blur to me. I kind of get stuck on some of the things she says. I try and dissolve it into my brain, and try to understand it but its all gibberish. I take the notes, but i don't exactly know what i'm writing. I just write it to hope that when i go back and go over it, i'll somehow pick it up. Didn't really work out for me too well. However, when i started to do the homework and go over the material myself, i realized that the stuff isn't as hard as my teacher makes it seem. I swear, most of the people are lost half of the time as she's scribbling on the board...or is it just me?? Cause the guy next to me is generally just as confused as i am. o_o Anyways, the online program that i bought for $80 dollars does wonders. I kind of picked up on the stuff myself and i understand it a little bit better. Some things are a little tough and along the way as i do my homework i get a little bit lazy. I feel that when i get lazy as i'm trying to solve problems, the information on how to do them doesn't really stick to me like it should. You know what i mean?
The one class i'm definitely afraid of though is Psych. The teacher is really cool, i hella like him. He's a good teacher, i could tell. I don't really know what to expect from that class...but i do know that i need to really be focused and really be on point with everything. That would definitely be a little bit on the difficult side because i have a tendency to space off every once in a while.
Definitely not looking forward to any essays...for either English or Psych. That's when the whole "college" thing will really sink in. From all those past years of my college peers complaining to me about their 5 page + essays, it is finally my turn.
Well it's 1:10am. I'm taking a little break from Math homework because i'm just tired of calculating numbers and what not.
Ever since school started, i haven't had the time to browse through tumblr. Bahaha. Saying that shows that i have no life...
