Christmas 2012

I know it wasn't just me, but Christmas season this year, just did not feel like is was Christmas Season...it was pretty sad. Up till the very evening of my family's Christmas celebration, i was not in the spirit of the holidays at all. I kept feeling perhaps it's because i was newly single. You know, because sometimes the holiday season is something you want to enjoy with a significant other or something? Then i realized it's probably just because i'm older. Perhaps because i had no one to be excited about it with, people excited about it and to buy gifts for (other than family). I know it wasn't just me that felt that absence of Christmas though, it must be because we're older...or the economy. Well regardless, the evening was wonderful. As always, time with my family is always a lovely one. 

 Merry Christmas from my family and me. My brother didn't want to dress up, but for this picture he went to put on a nice shirt...and kept the basketball shorts. One day i'm going to scrapbook our annual Christmas family photos, and see how much we've changed. (Or even how people come and go in photos.)

 Got a cake mixxx!! So excited to use it. Well actually my sister gave it to my mother, but i feel like its a gift to my mother and i. Mostly i, because i seriously got so excited to see it. And i feel every time someone gets a great gift, we all just jump into the picture. 

I gave my sister blue pumps, can't go wrong :p

I can't remember the reason for this family photo...it's kind of blurry but i like it. Partly because i can't remember what it was taken for, and because of everyone's stance.

I hope everyone's Christmas went lovely. It's the thought that counts, remember that. And it's about spending time with family above all else. :)

♥

Past 3 Weekends

It's honestly been a longass time since i've just been out and about to enjoy myself with good company. And actually enjoy myself, not try to enjoy myself. You know what i mean? My past couple of weekends have been lovely. And i try to really make something of it these days since i'm always so busy during weekdays that weekends are the only times i could really just chill. I guess for a while now, i just never had the means to really care to go out. I'd be happy to just sit at home. I'm not saying i wouldn't be content staying home though. 

Went to Union Square a couple weekends ago with Patstaccs and others. We really went all the way out there to eat at Cheesecake factory though. Haha. I think originally they wanted to do more, but we got there pretty late. It was still nice to just see the view and what not, and to be out of Fremont/Sj. Apparently in SF (or at least at Cheesecake Factory) they charge an SF dining fee or something like that. Ain't that just something else. When we left, it was one o'clock in the morning or something and Union Square was closed along with everything else, so we just headed home.

 Went to DJ's two weekends in a row to drink. I think last weekend, Ayejay told me to go watch Twilight so i got all excited to go, but he told me to go to DJ's to figure things out. So i picked up Patstaccs cause he was going to come also, but we ended up drinking lol. I mean i'm not trippin! The weekend before that, we went for the Pacquiao fight. I swear everytime i'm at DJ's i eat so damn good, and so damn much. LOL. God i wish his momma can cook for me all the time. That'll surely add a few pounds to my tiny ass body. P.s. Pineapples & pineapple is the shit. :p (especially when drunk.)

 This weekend was just one spontaneous ass weekend though. Just the way i like it. Well i finally got to go watch Twilight! It was soooo good, and i'm so sad it's over. I went with DJ, Ayejay, and Aaron. Hahaha. I think it's so funny that they all went with me. Nothing gay about it. I fucking accidentally ripped DJ's hundred dollar bill...but thank goodness the guy at the theatre laughed about it and accepted it anyways. We randomly decided to go karaoke afterwards with a couple tall cans. Sang my little heart out, definitely wouldn't have had the nerve to do that in front of three guys if i was sober. Had to get at least tipsy for that. It was a good time. I didn't get home till four in the morning. Crazy cause my mom didn't really even trip...the past couple of weekends i've been stumbling into my house at 2/3/4 in the morning and she doesn't bitch at me the next day. The most she'd say is "you were out late" and that's it. I don't really want to start pushing it though. Hahah, scares me a little. Such a revelation though! Maybe cause she knows i've been working a lot. Or maybe because she's finally starting to let me off the leash a bit? Who knows! Not complaining about that one bit. :)

 Got my last final Christmas shopping done yesterday with Aaron, met up with Josh and Mark at Vallyfair. I satisfied my pizza craving at Pizza My Heart, saw Gigi at Mac and she wanted to do my makeup. Now when was the last time i had my makeup done or even haaad make up on like this! Mark was so intrigued  by it cause i guess he's never seen the process of makeup getting applied before. Getting my makeup done made me want to get super dolled up and go somewhere. But of course there was no where to go.

Ayejay, Aaron, DJ, Tim, and I ended up getting some beers and going here (photo below) to drink. Sort of been drinking a lot lately. Not necessarily a lot, but more frequently. Always a good time though i guess, just chillin with good company.

I haven't really had the time to just write about my little adventures, so i decided to just collaborate it all into one post. Not every weekend has to be filled with drinks and adventure. Although it's nice, it's nice to just stay in also. 

One more day till Christmas. :)

♥

P.s.  To the Anonymous posting up songs, i notice you. Thank you for the songs haha.

Unkept Promises

I still believe in the idea of love. I know it's out there...somewhere i guess. However, the word "love" just seems to be a word that holds broken promises. When you tell someone you love them, you're promising them a thousand things. I promise not to hurt you, i promise to protect you and be there for you no matter what. I promise to make you smile always, and wipe away all the tears you shed. When you tell someone you love them...you make promises that you don't know if you can keep. 

To hear the words "i love you", is like having the doors to a field of sunflowers and tulips open up with rays of sunshine and butterflies.Your heart flutters, and it melts into a pool of happiness. What do you think when someone tells you that? Do you think to yourself if they really mean it or not? Do you feel the same way? But when you hear those words, you feel your blood rushing up to your cheeks. It feels right, doesn't it? You don't think of negative thoughts when those words are spoken to you. 

Once those words are said, you're sucked out of the reality of knowing that this may not last. Of course you know it, but why would you have that type of mentality when LOVE is in the way. It's always baby, always and forever. 

I'm not doubting whether or not someone actually means it when they say it. At the time, they probably do mean it. When it's all over though, what does that word "love" entail then? When they say "i still love you, but not the way i used to". When you thought they'd never leave...? It means nothing. That word then is just as empty as the word "empty"...The word "love" in the context of "i love you", holds promises that will probably be broken.The idea that they may not really be there for you no matter what, they will hurt you, they'll be what causes the tears. 

It's not hopeless to find love. Maybe we just shouldn't love so easily...because then it's so easily lost. 

♥

Forward

Right now, i feel like my life is sort of falling into place. One door shut closed, but many others opened. Many others, in a sense that i have so much more going on for myself. I've written a post about how i felt like i've lost myself, and well now i'm slowly picking myself back up to who i was. Finding myself, once again. Now, i intend to keep myself in the open. Not trying to get lost again, have to really stay true to myself. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish, do things that you want to do in order to satisfy yourself. That's what i was missing, doing things for myself.

I didn't realize how much my relationship has sucked me out of reality, but i blame that on myself. I really lost myself for a moment because i completely drowned myself into it. I mean, i felt lost. Like i was missing something...but i couldn't really put a finger on it. I've written posts about it before. How i've left my friends, stopped trying to have a social life and all that also. Something important to remember: don't forget to have a life of your own aside from the life with your significant other. That's incredibly important now that i have opened my eyes to see.

I feel incredibly grateful of the series of events that occurred after my downfall with my relationship. I really am looking at the brighter side of things. Although i the relationship with S.B. ended, i gained a lot in life. It's interesting when i think about how my life came about like that...i feel like God kind of gave me a blessing. Does that sound silly? The way i see it, is that it's something i needed to get myself out of, but honestly couldn't. Like i said i was too sucked into it. But as it ended, my life began. That chapter closed, and a new one is beginning. I'm not trying to say that the whole time i was with S.B. that i had no life, i'm just saying that i'm no longer under a rock. No more missing in the action of what's going on around me. I think you really need to be in my mind right now to understand what i'm trying to get at, if you dont.

Forgot how satisfying it is to make my own money. And i love my job, which is even better. I've been unemployed for over a year, and stopped going to the gym. But now i'm back on that grind, and i haven't felt so good about myself in a while. I don't feel so empty.

I forgot what it was like to have somewhat of a social life with my friends. I feel bad that during my relationship, i left them out. But i'm so grateful that they're here for me still after that fact.

God has granted me a couple blessings, although i had to endure the pain of the heartbreak. But he gave me the strength to get myself back up and be okay with everything. I honestly didn't think i'd be strong enough to get through it, but i made it out. And i have my friends, family, work, and God to be so thankful for that.

Right now, i want nothing more than to just live this life. Go day by day, and see what happens. Do the things i plan to do, and head towards a bright future. I look forward to see what 2013 has to offer me. I look forward to all the opportunities and all the possibilities.

Here's to a life to live, that life goes on no matter up. Just pick yourself up and go. Everything will always be okay, if you want it to.

♥

Update: 12/16/12

I've been so busy lately, which is a good thing in a way. I started working about three weeks ago, and from then i've just been doing work and school every other day till evening. Now that school is over for break, i'm going to be starting to work full time starting tomorrow. Everyday so far has been sort of the same routine. Work/School, come home in the evening, have dinner, go to gym, come home and rest for the next day. I'm glad i have weekends off though, except i've been helping my sister out again whenever she has weddings - just to get extra cash. Been chasin' paper :p

So this is exhaustion? Working, not having time for yourself? I haven't had the time to just sit here and blog about my thoughts, or to chill and do my nails! I don't have the energy when i get home from work/gym to clean. Well i do, i just want to because that couple hours after the gym is the only time i get to just relax. I'm not exhausted, per ce...just tired. I wonder if i'm over working myself? You know, sometimes i'd be so tired, but i'd still conjure up the energy to go to the gym for a little bit. I could get a day off, my work is pretty lenient. What for though right? I like being busy...for once. I'm not over working myself. I'm doing life.

Gym progress update:
I'm going to the gym four days a week now instead of five, just so then i can have some sort of social life on the weekends. If i happen to have nothing to do on Fridays, i'd go to the gym. I think i need to take it down a bit with my work outs. I'm doing good with flattening out my stomach, but at the same time i think i'm getting skinner...which is not good at all. I think after i'm satisfied with my tummy, i'm going to fatten out again. I honestly don't know what to do about my weight problem...i need some protein bars or something! If anyone that's reading knows any way for me to get healthy fat (that wont just sit at my stomach) please share!! I've also started to do yoga, twice a week. I hope to increase my flexibility and whatever else yoga is suppose to do for me. I'm getting used to it, because when i first started out it was really hard!

I feel like in really contradicting myself, trying to get fatter yet i keep going to the gym? I really do want to gain weight, and get a bit chubbier. I want to be at least 110 or something...it's never been easy for my to gain weight. But i'm not going to the gym to lose weight, i'm going to tone up, get some muscle weight, and lose tummy fat! I need to talk to someone about this.

Endorphins. :)
No progress shot today.

I guess that's it for now! Toodles.
♥

Biebs

I wasn't aware there were actually people that read my blog? So i never really check comments...but who sent this to me!! I guess by my asking, defeats the purpose of "anonymous". Kind of made me smile for some reason. The blog post  was basically me talking about the way i love and the type of person i am as a "lover". The anonymous person sent me the following song:


Love Me Like You Do | Justin Bieber

I was wondering what Anonymous' purpose was of sending me this song. Haha. It was sort of relevant or seemed to be in response to what i had to say in that blog post. I don't generally listen to Bieber. I don't quite know what the big fuss is about him, where people hate him and love him. Maybe it's a love hate thing. Like why is this kid so lucky to have been able to get discovered by Usher and date Salena and now gets to hang out with VS models, AND has a nice ass car. Nice ass everything i guess...nice ass life. No hate for him though, i appreciate his music. They aren't bad. I guess something about it sometimes is just wtf? But he sure does have talent!

Anyways, whoever reads my blog...if there happens to be more than 2 people. Whoever is out there reading this at this moment, you should interact with me and my blog and lmk your thoughts on the things i say/feel. Just to make me feel...happy. Hehe. Just kidding, you don't have to. BUT i mean, if you feel like it don't hesitate.

And to Anonymous, thanks for the song. I listened to it like 5 times after i realized you sent it.

♥

Fight

From an instagram post, that was probably originally found on tumblr:

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you are a good person and a good friend. What is meant to be will end up good and what is not won’t. Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At time, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you must move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don’t lost something real. Always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.

I really couldn't have conjured up the words any better myself.

♥

Heartbreak

You know when you’re little, and you think about “heartbreaks” it was never really something you thought you could feel. It was something you heard about, saw in movies where someone will cry and cry about losing someone. You wondered, why is it called a “heartbreak”, does your heart really break?

Until you grow older, and you actually experience the feeling for the first time, the second, third, and so on. Each heart break hurts incredibly. You feel it in your chest. It’s tight and wants to jump out of your body. Your heart feels like its stuck in your throat, and you sob and sob…maybe you’ll scream out to the world, and maybe you’ll hit something. And you feel it - your heart breaking into pieces inside of you. You grip your chest wanting the pain to go away, but it doesn’t. There’s only one thing that could really mend your heart at that moment, to hear that it’s not really true. You’re in denial, you must be dreaming. But it’s true, it’s happening. Your heart is breaking. It wants to jump out of your body and die. But instead, it sits inside of you letting you carry around that pain until over time…it just heals.

Maybe that's just me.

♥

Lonely Girl

Transitions

It's a strange type of transition to go from being taken to being single. From talking to the same person everyday from morning to night throughout the day and from know what they're doing, and what they're feeling. To the struggle of not wanting to bother them...to wondering what they're doing, to just strangers again.

I'm experiencing the strange transition right now from being lovers to being strangers. It's not that i want to have someone else to fill that void that he once occupied. The truth of it is, it doesn't even feel right to have someone else be the one to talk to me so constantly...to think that there is someone else giving him the attention that i once gave him. I've spent the last 18 months giving all my attention to him, not talking to other guys because i simply didn't care for them. It's a strange feeling just being allowed to talk to people...but it's like i barely even want to talk to these people. Then i think to myself, why not, right...now i have to throw myself back into the swing of being single. I'm not out there looking for someone new, or someone to give me attention. I'm just looking to get by each day without thinking too much about what i've lost. I'm just trying to move forward from here and recover fast.

There's so much i wish that would have happened differently. But what's the point of wishing and hoping for what could have been...because it doesn't change the fact that it's done with. What's the point of writing this...

Once we were lovers, now we're inching into being strangers again.

Spilt Milk

Perhaps at some point of some relationships, the two of you get to a certain point of comfortability where one of you thinks it's okay to just pick fights over petty things. It's not exactly that they think it's okay, but they just don't realize that it's not okay. They forget to be cautious of their significant other's feelings towards situations, and just really aren't all that cautious about what they say or do. Words come out and they hurt, but they just don't realize what they're doing.

You've reached this stage of comfortability where you two sort of just try and tolerate this fighting that has started to occur more...and for what? You two fight over petty little things that really isn't worth fighting over. In the end, do you even remember what made you mad? Do you remember why you two fought? Is it worth the hurtful words that is said to the one you love? No...in the end it isn't at all. Yes, it is something you two should try and tolerate, but it is definitely something that needs to be talked about. Be patient with one another and try to work it out. Be more cautious of each others feelings because after all you do love them don't you? Fighting may be normal in relationships, but constant bickering especially over the little stuff is not even worth the anger that is expelled between the two of you. If the relationship means something to you, when you face this part of your relationship (if you ever do), try and address it. Notice that you two have been arguing too much unnecessarily, and make a better effort.

In the end one of you will just end up wishing that all those times you just didn't cry and get mad over the spilt milk...that those little fights and getting irritated over dumbass shit was just not worth it at all.

So in conclusion, just because you've created such comfort between you and your lover, it doesn't mean it's okay to go off saying whatever you want and getting mad over stupid things. Be cautious of how they feel, and watch out for the words you say to them. In the end you'll hate yourself for it. Trust me, I do.

♥

Be The Egg

My mom told me a great story the other day. I think it was suppose to be a motivational story. She told me in Vietnamese so I'm going to try to translate it by the way I interpreted it.

She told me that there's this girl who would each day go to her father and tell him, "dad I'm so sad, I don't know what to do" (I wasn't sure if my mom literally meant sad or bored with life...Vietnamese words can be confusing, anywho..) And she'd go to him and tell him almost everyday. Till one day her dad tells her to go to the kitchen. He makes her stand there as he boils up 3 pots of water. She says, "dad I'm telling you how I'm so sad/bored, why in the world are you making me stand here and watch you boil water...?" Her dad tells her to watch as he puts a raw carrot into one pot, an egg in another, and a coffee bean in the last pot. Then he explains:

"In life, don't be like this carrot. (Because when you boil raw carrots they become soft) See when this carrot faces tough times it becomes soft. You should be like this egg (because eggs are soft/fluidy on the inside, but when you boil it, it hardens). Be like this egg, so when things get tough you harden up and be strong. Or be like this coffee bean. It is hard, and when you boil it, it stays hard. Don't let hard time effect you. You can be like the egg or be like the coffee bean. But don't be like the carrot."

The end.
That was my moms story. I thought it was a nice story. I loved it.

♥

Progress

I've been going to the gym for a little less than two months now. I feel like i've been making good progress with losing my belly fat. On the way to looking good. :)

I'm not trying to get skinnier, i'm just trying to lose my belly fat. I'm wondering how i can get fat in all the right places except my belly...That's definitely something to look into.

Here's a progress shot. I guess you can't really tell because i'm in the position. BUT there's a little something. My goal is to have a flat tummy by new years. So far so good. 

♥

50 Shades

I read all three books of the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy. Now before you go about saying how those books are basically porn in the form of literature for girls. Well, yes i guess you can say that. The book does contain erotic scenes. But once you read all three books, you find that it really is a lot more than just a sex book. It's a book of love, commitment, and sacrifices made for love. I thought this trilogy was just great. And it was great for more than it's sex scenes, which is why i think the book became so popular to girls in the first place...

The story was wonderfully written, in my opinion. I definitely recommend anyone who hasn't read this trilogy to read it! Especially if you like a good romance story.

Now can anyone tell me where i can find a man like Christian Grey? Maybe without the kinkyness though?

Read it, good book. :)

♥

Thanksgiving 2012

Through all that has been happening this past month in my personal life, i figure i still do have something to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for the fact that i have more ahead of me in life, and for all that is in store for me. There are endless possibilities out there. I just need to make right decisions here on out.

I hope everyone had a lovely thanksgiving filled with happiness and good company.

♥

Animal

If you could be any animal in the whole world, what animal would you want to be?

I want to be a dog. Not just any dog, but a dog that belongs to a loving family. Of course i wouldn't want to be abused, or homeless. That's the only exception. As boring of an answer as that is, i think the life of a dog (that belongs to a loving family) is the best life. For any house pet actually that is loved. I look at my dog, who i love so damn much, and she's just so happy and carefree! What a great life she has. I want to be her. Just behave, and you'll be treated well. At least i hope she's happy. I always wonder what she's thinking in her mind when she looks at me, or just staring into space. What in the world is going on in the head of hers? Is there even any type of thought? She seems pleased with the life we give her. If i could be any animal, i wouldn't mind being a cheerful dog. I'd get to play whenever i feel like it with so many toys to choose from. I'd get to eat my dog food whenever i feel like it, and sleep whenever i please. When my owner is home, i'll get to sit by them or play with them. The only sad time i'd probably have is when i'm left alone...but even with pets, it seems like they can enjoy their alone time any way they want.

Maybe to be a little more interesting, i wouldn't mind being a lion, an elephant, or maybe a penguin...

♥

Break Up

This song put things in a better perspective for me. Or i don't know, i can relate. Anyone can though right? This must be how he feels. Sheesh, i'm a pain in the ass, aren't i?



It's funny to me. I'm back to square one...sort of. Here i am trying to win the love of someone i once had. Btw, i know you're thinking why the hell are you going to fight for someone that doesn't want you? It's because, it's how i work, & i have hope. I haven't lost faith yet. Pathetic? Sure. Trying to not say the wrong things, yet i kind of do anyways. Trying to impress them, show that i'm worth. Except it's harder this time for some reason...because now the rejection would hurt even more since i once had them. Does this make any sense? Can anyone relate, or am i the only idiot in this world that would do something like this. I feel like an idiot for doing this. And no matter how many times i tell myself to just back down, it's not worth it i just can't. I can't do it...maybe i'm just not strong enough. Why aren't i strong enough...i really hope all this goes in my favor. I can't bare to have my heart broken twice by the same person because i was an idiot and just didn't want to give up. Now that's the worse. It's like i could have avoided that second heartbreak, but i fucking didn't. So i'll give whoever is reading a fair warning. If it doesn't go well for me, this blog will be filled with the saddest shit from the darkest pit of my soul for a very long period of time. Need i bring you back to the year of 2009?

Sometimes you wonder where you went wrong. You really thought you did everything that you possibly could to be good to them. But in the end...they just weren't really feeling it. And then you wonder to yourself, why? How come they don't like this love you're giving them...you thought you did good. Maybe it either wasn't good enough, it was too much, or you're just not it.

I'm doing alright today.

♥

Diary

I should invest in a real journal to write my thoughts in. Except i really like being able to incorporate pictures and music to posts.

I'm doing okay today.

♥

Brian Puspos

It's hard being heartbroken. But being the heart breaker isn't so easy either. If you believe in something, fight for it. This world wouldn't have such a rich history if people didn't fight for what they believe in. Giving up shouldn't be an option when it comes to love, and if you give up so easily you shouldn't be in love in the first place. Make sure the person you love not only knows you love them, but they feel you love them. 

-Brian Puspos

Found this quote while i was going through tumblr. I'll admit, it makes me feel less pathetic hearing this. Thanks for your wonderful words Brian Puspos.

Mirrors in the Moonlight

I'll wait for you as long as it takes for you to see,

It seems the devil's got a piece of you heart...

And you can't see that you're beautiful

Sometimes, i feel pathetic for the way that i am. For the way that i love. I idly wonder, will someone out there ever appreciate my overbearing tendencies instead of become overwhelmed by the way that i am? Is it bad the way that i am? For loving the way i love?

People have told me, i've heard it several times: "You're emotionally unstable", "You're hella sprung", and so on and so forth. (Actually...that's sort of the only things i've heard, but they sort of make me wonder. I had to check what "sprung" was to see if i should be insulted by that comment or not. In the context that it was said, i felt like it was more like an insult. Here are three denotations of sprung via urbandictionary.com:

1) sprung is when you are falling in love, when you can't live without him/her.
2) being soo much much in love that you would do anything for that person or thinking about them all the time.
3) The act of being completely enthralled by one person. To have been touched in such a way that you can't get them out of your mind. You desire their sex, their touch, their presence every hour of every day.

Well i sort of had a general idea of what that term meant. When i was told that, i was a little bit confused as to why his tone sounded insulting. I asked, "What's wrong with that?..." I guess i can't see the problem in that because that's how i love. Towards him at least. That's how i love towards him. I see what this person is getting at though. What is my life besides him? 

It's not much i guess. What can i make of my own life asides from him? According to these three denotations of "sprung", i can conclude the following: Yes, I'm very much in love. I'd prefer not to live without him, i'd do anything for him, and i guess you can even say i have a desire for him all the time. 

Do you see how that can be so overwhelming? What has this guy done to my mind, my heart, my soul...? I've become puddy. Stripped completely of my pride. Here i am, night after night...wishing, hoping,  wanting. Begging, pleading, apologizing. Have i done something wrong? Overbearing. 

As if i'm not pathetic enough, i willingly put out my flaws out there for all to see. I write of how i'm sad, how i'm hopeful, saying what i can offer. Pouring it all out, to the public. Is this anyone's business? 

I suppose you can consider this a warning. 

♥

p.s. He's a good guy. Take my word for it. He makes me happy.

Put your guard down  and let me in

Cater 2 U

I'm lovestruck.
Stuck.
Lost, confused.
Feeling pathetic,
my mind's so hectic.

Let me show you what i can do for you.
Let me cater to you.

♥

I Miss You

I'm more than tired of feeling this way. There is nothing more that i can do. I feel numb.

Time

If you could go back in time to a moment in your life to either relive the moment or to change something, would you? Why not, right?

There are so many moments I'd love to go back and relive. Just to have a fresh memory of it. There are moments I wish I can change, did differently. Does everything really happen for a reason - or is that bullshit? Depends on how you see the bigger picture I suppose.

Oh how I wish I can go back and relive the good moments. Or to do that one thing differently...maybe then I wouldn't be laying here at 6am sulking. But maybe everything happens for a reason...unless that's bullshit.

Clarity

I know i love you, 

I ain't tryna let those words slip. 

Pure bliss.

Fatuation,

When every move you make is fascinating.

Gravitating...

Take away the pain and i thank you for that,

If i ever get the chance, bet i'm paying you back.

Robert Burns

Oh, My Love Is Like a Red, Red Rose

Oh, my love is like a red,red rose
That's newly sprung in June;
My love is like the melody
That's sweetly played in tune.

So fair art though, my bonny lass,
So deep in love am i;
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till all the seas go dry.

Till all the seas go dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt with the sun;
And I will love thee still, my dear,
While the sands of life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only love!
And fare thee weel awhile!
And I will come again, my love
Though it were ten thousand miles.

                                 -Robert Burns

How Do I Love Thee?...

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Ways

How do i love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, - I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Barret Browning

Heineken from Holland

Oh what better way to study huh...nice cold bottled Heineken. I've been sitting here doing my homework for quite some time now...although my mind isn't really 100% in it right now. When is it ever? I just started this beer. Cheers! Cheers...to nothing. To sitting at home by myself and drinking while....while...nothing.

Wow. Half a bottle already. I hope this keeps me feeling well for a while, till i fall asleep. I want to sleep well tonight, and i only intend to drink one beer. Usually i take longer to drink, but shit. Way to go Kathy. How come you can't drink faster in public.

Twirl the brew inside the bottle...maybe i should start drinking wine. After all, a glass a day is good for the lady (me). This white boy told me a little something about wine. If you twirl the wine inside the glass and it sticks to the glass (like legs), then it's probably good wine. What do i know about wine...maybe he was bullshitting me. Any thoughts on that anyone? Classical music calms my soul. Calms me entirely. Gives me peace...

Half a bottle and i'm already a tomato. I feel my face flaming up gradually. Oh the perks of being asian...i actually feel that my asian glow actually makes me limit my drinking more because i don't like when my face gets all warm and red. Otherwise maybe i'd drink more if i didn't get asian glow.

What to do...what to do with myself...i'm thinking. Very deep in thought but so unsure of what to say, what to type out. I need someone to talk to, but i have no one...how so very sad.

I'm wishfully thinking. Hoping for a gracious miracle. Hoping tomorrow the sun will shine (metaphorically, because it's suppose to be cloudy tomorrow), hoping that it'll be a better day, hoping i'll get out of bed with a smile on me face...and will be happy throughout the day and the next.

I want to be drunk, and pass out. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to know anything right now.

I'm done with studying. Thanks Heineken from Holland. You've been good to me.

Change!

If they're willing to put up with your crap over and over again, don't let them get away. And change yourself for the better. They love you enough to stay - at least i hope so - so don't make them put up with the same crap constantly...let them know you're trying to better yourself. Don't let them slip away...because when they do, who knows when you'll find someone willing to put up with your crap like that again? Who knows! Don't take the chances.

Good Luck.
♥

Video Games

Lately, my boyfriend and i have been spending a lot more time together ever since he got into his accident and was off of work for about a month. Maybe a little bit more time than we can actually manage. Frankly, i think he's a little tired of me being around all the time, but it's better to have my company than to be alone. I enjoy spending time with him though, even if we don't do much. I like his company.

Well recently we've found ourselves more bored than usual because we're trying to save money and gas. And of course you need to be willing to spend money to have fun. This past week or so we've spent a lot of time sitting in front of the T.V - he plays video games and i watch him.

It's really cute the way he plays video games. I'm amused by how he's so completely into it. He'd play Madden (football game), and when he does something amazing he'd stop the game and say, "Babe! Babe, look at this. Are you ready?" and then play the instant replay slowly explaining everything step by step what he did so excitedly. He's like a little boy, it's so cute! So although i just sit there and watch him play (he only has one controller so even if i wanted to i can't play with him), he makes the moment enjoyable by the way he engages me with his plays. Something i adore of him. I sure a lot of other guys are like that too when their girlfriends are sitting next to them. It's sort of sweet in a way, i've never had anything like this. 

Since his accident, i've been at his house a whole lot more than i used to me. It's sort of weird for me, especially because he doesn't get too much privacy, but i'm starting to get used to being around his family a little more now. Before i was sort of uncomfortable around them. But being at his house, especially in the evening, sometimes i barrow his clothes. And i wonder, is that weird?? Is it weird that i'm walking around his house wearing his big ass shorts and socks...i find it kind of funny. And i blush when his parents look at me seeing me dressed like that. I just can't stand being in my everyday wear for such a long period of time. When he's at my house, i have an extra pair of shorts for him to wear. Now i wonder if he's ever felt uncomfortable when he first would change into something more comfy and walk around my house. But for him it wouldn't be too awkward because he'd actually be wearing clothes suited for him. I'm talking about this because i'm wearing his shorts and socks in the photo i posted above...

Well, that's all.

♥

Just to Let You Know...

I could understand how someone would assume that any post about relationships or whatever would have something connected with my own relationship. That isn't necessarily true. Sometimes i'm talking on a general term, maybe because i'm experiencing it myself or someone i know is.

That is all.

Giants Game!

Went to my first sporting event the other day! (September 25,2015) Steven, a couple of his friends, and i went to a Giants baseball game at AT&T Park in San Francisco. Super cool experience, i've always wanted to go to a sporting event. They were playing the Arizona Diamondbacks i think...unfortunately they lost, which really sucked because i wanted to be excited for something. Haha. So we ended up leaving around the 7th inning because it was getting boring. I imagined baseball to be boring anyways. I actually want to go to either a hockey or football game though. The violence would make it exciting to watch. :p

Steven and i spent hella money on the concession stand food! We were the only ones in our party that actually went and bought food. Haha. The only thing i wish i got was the hotdogs...i saw a guy eating one and i was eyeing it. It looked sooo fucking delicious, but after all the snacks we bought we were too full to go get a hot dog. That's the only disappointment. Next time, i'm getting a hot dog for sure! But the churros and pretzels weren't even good. Such a waste of money, they were stale and cold. Rookie mistake, we should have known that! 

But overall, it was really fun to be there even though our team lost. 

♥

Beyond Wonderland 2012

I've never been to a concert before this and Identity festival. I was never able to imagine what listening to music live would be like. I thought that maybe it would be something like the videos of songs on youtube that are recorded live, and those kind of suck.

Going to this was just something else. I guess definitely the atmosphere had something to due with it. But listening to music live is just amazing beyond anything! It's sort of like once you hear it live, it's not really quite the same when you listen to it through the speakers of your computer. You know what i mean?

Beyond Wonderland was beyond amazing. I wish i took more photos though - especially with others, but my boyfriend and i strayed away from our group so many times. It was so hard to reunite with everyone again.



♥

Mr. B

You wonder why most of the time when i blog, it's when i'm in a saddened state of mind. Or i'm troubled, or thinking deeply about situations.

My english professor said this (something along these lines): "In this class you'll notice that a lot of the stories we read are troublesome, dark, and sad. I've had many students ask me why that is so. Well when you're sad, all you want to do is sit and mope around maybe. But when you're happy, you'll want to go out and enjoy life not sit at home on your computer writing."

Something like that. Made enough sense to me. You get what i was trying to say right? Because when my teacher said it, he made it flow a lot better then when i tried to quote him...

Which is why in 2009, i wrote the most. My "saddened" days.

Plus you just have better things to say when you're down in the dumps, complaining about something. For me at least. When i'm happy, everything i say may come as redundant.

I'm lost

I think i have fallen deep. I've never wanted to be one of those people who when they get into a relationship, they cut off the connections they've had with their friends. I don't want to admit it, but i guess this is me admitting that i think i may have done that.

I feel like i've fallen too deep now though, where i don't know how to pick myself up and be friends again with those that have been forgotten. I feel guilty, i feel embarrassed that this had happened.

I'm not complaining about my relationship, i'm not doubting my happiness in the relationship...but i think i may have lost myself a little a long the way. I don't quite know what has happened. I consumed myself too much into this, but now i don't know how to get myself out. No, i don't mean out of the relationship, just out of this empty hole. I don't know how to get out.

I've lost myself along the way. I've forgotten to put myself first. I've forgotten about my own happiness. See the thing is, when you're in a relationship you need to be willing to make sacrifices. Except i think that i was so willing to sacrifice so much that i've just sacrificed myself completely.

Okay i wont go here.
Okay i wont hang out with them.
Alright, i wont go to that party.
I can't talk to that person.
Yes, yes, i don't want to upset you.

It's not his fault. It's my fault that i've allowed this to happen. That i haven't stood up for myself. But in my mind i just feel like all this petty stuff, i don't need it. I don't need to go to parties. I don't need to hang out with people that may be harmful to my relationship. I don't need to talk to people that want to allegedly sleep with me. Small things that have been asked of me, i agree to because if i don't need it and it'll make him happy then it's totally fine.

Have i lost sight of what's acceptable? Do i think that this is healthy, the way that i am? I tell myself, what is so bad about being in love? What is so bad about making him the number one priority in my life. What is wrong with giving him 110% of my all...everything.

Not to make this sound all about me...which i mean it is. But what about me. What about making myself happy first. What about going to hang out with whoever i wanted because that'll make me happy. What about going out once in a while and drinking with good company because that's what i want to do. How about catching up with old friends because at one point in my life i used to talk to them a lot.

I can never get over how in my last relationship though, i wasn't able to offer that guy even 90% of my all. I didn't want to put him first. I did whatever i wanted even though he would ask me not to. Was i happier since i cared more about myself that him and i as a couple? Sure, or maybe i just didn't care. But as a couple we weren't very strong. And here i am now, after vowing to myself that i will do everything i can to make sure my boyfriend knows i love him. I'll do it right.

But what is "right" to do in a relationship anyways? My problem right now is that i don't exactly know ow to balance it out perfectly. Since my boyfriend isn't so thrilled by the way i am with him, how can i balance things out. I tried once, but that made me bitter. I don't know. Like i said, i've lost myself.

Honestly, i feel that in my next relationship (assuming there will be one) ill be back at square one. Doing things for myself, doing things because i want to. But maybe it's not me. Maybe it's the people i'm with...the ones that want to tell me what i can and can not do. So i have to choose, do i listen to what they want or do i just do what i want?

I've lost myself, and i don't know how to find myself again...

Wish me luck
♥

Ignorance

My question is do people purposely talk in a way so they'll come off ignorant? It's kind of silly actually, but maybe that's just me.

Especially now that we're older (assuming you're 18 +), i'd expect us to be over the stage of typing out our words like we're dumbasses. Or even typing grammatically incorrect. I'm not saying common grammar mistakes or spelling errors, but in a way that it just comes off as uneducated.

But you remember back then when many people would type out words such as the word "at" would be "aht" or "me" would me "meeh" (how does "meeh" even come to mean "me" anyways...) and so on and so forth. That's what i'm talking about.

Depending on from where you are from or who you surrounded yourself with, your choice of typological slang differs. So everyone probably just has a different way to spell out their slang. Which can become very confusing for those who have no idea what each word means, so when reading it would just result in, "what the hell are you saying.."

Well my point it, at this age i'd expect us to be over that stage and talk with more dignity. After all we are living in a country of opportunity, where we spent years and years in school learning how to write and speak properly. Why throw it down the drain to make it sound like you haven't spent a day of your life in school?

Then again, maybe it's really just me. I'm not so bothered by this topic. It's whatever, people can freely type and speak their words however they please. As long as i understand, then it's good.

Identity 2012

August 17, 2012
I never wrote about my experience at the Identity Festival! First time ever going to anything like this, and it was such an amazing experience, more so for the music and atmosphere than anything else...then again that's the type of experience one should be embracing.

Excuse my outfit. Well all in all i had a great birthday celebrating it at the concert/music festival. Long day and night of dancing and enjoying the music, ended the night viewing the city lights on top of the world with my boyfriend. Definitely not a night i will forget.

♥

She Reached Out

Today, someone from high school messaged me. Someone that i never even thought of, never imagined talking to again, and never really talked to in the first place. It was surprising to see a message from her, at first i thought that maybe it would have been spam. I was in awe, i actually read it over twice just to soak it in.

It's surprising to know that she connected with me in some ways, and actually read my tumblr posts. I didn't really think that people i didn't ever associate myself with actually cared about anything i had to say. I wrote a post when i first moved back to San Jose about making friends and all, and i think she's trying to reach out to me and build a friendship with me. I'm not entirely sure though. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside that she took the time to message me though and say the things she said.

And to top it off, she said she likes my style of writing! I've heard people tell me they read my posts and all of that, but i don't recall anyone ever telling me that they like the way i write. Which makes me super ecstatic!

♥

Pep Talk

Know your worth. What are you worth to someone...how hard are they willing to try to get you?
Know how much heartaches you've been through before it's the last straw. Know that you are to be respected at all times...by the one that "loves" you.

Know how much you can take before it's enough. Do you think you deserve better? Go get it. You are a human being. A person with feelings, emotions, and all that jazz. You are to be treated with respect. You are to be appreciated, loved, and cherished. A creation of God's is not suppose to be spit at. We are beautiful.

The ugly will stay ugly, because they are bitter. Because they chose not to smile and cherish the world. They chose not to be positive even when the worse comes upon them. They chose not to look at the brighter picture. For that, they will be unhappy. They must know that life is more than what they can hold. That it is more than the eye can see. They need to open their eyes up and see where they are at. Are you an ugly person? Are you unhappy about something. Don't be ungrateful. I can't speak for all, but if you have a home you are so fortunate already. Smile! Don't be an ugly person. Don't be bitter. See the world for it's beauty and you will be a beautiful creature within it. Things are tough sometimes...but things will always get better. Maybe it wont. But pretend it will.

Dont let anyone treat you like you're worthless. Don't let anyone talk down on you. Don't let anyone hurt you, break your heart, or walk all over you like you're nothing. Stand up tall, take that shit. But don't embrace that shit. You are better than what the ugly people see you as. Of course you are.

You deserve to be treated right. You deserve to be fucking loved unconditionally. You deserve to be happy. Please. Be happy.

asdfghj

I had a girl's night out today with Christina and Tina. It was much needed...i swear every time i go out with them, i have some type of adventure. I went out tonight...i wanted to be happy.

You know, the whole time i was out i was thinking about him. Wondering what he was doing, if he's as miserable as i am. Each time i stopped talking, my train of thought trails back to him. I wonder if he still cares. I wonder why he hasn't tried talking to me yet. I wonder what this all means...and why do i have to wait so long. How long should i even wait?

Tonight was suppose to be a girl's night out. A legitimate night out with the girls. But plans changed, and along the way we ended up with more company. I guess i'm single now. Some guy was on my ass the whole night, and i was so completely turned off by it. I can handle myself. I just wanted a friendly night to get my mind off of this whole thing. But there were boys, there they were. I'm not saying they wanted me or anything like that. But damn you know, the whole night i just wanted him by my side. I wanted him to tell me he loves me. I wanted him to hold me.

I honestly don't feel like i deserve this. He told me that he'll talk to me when he's ready. But when will that be? How long must i wait. He said some hurtful things to me and i just want a sincere apology. I already apologized for my screw up, don't you think it's his turn to own up to what he did? That's all i want...i don't feel that i'm in the wrong. I don't know why he's going to be the one to tell me that he isn't ready to talk to me.

I wonder if he's as miserable as i am...if he's thinking the same things that i am thinking. But in which case...why isn't he talking to me. See, i'm not talking to him because he asked me to give him his space. So i'll do that.

Family Camping 2012

Another family camping trip, because my family can't afford to all go somewhere more luxurious. I got the opportunity to invite my boyfriend to come along on the camping trip too, so it was a nice experience. Most of the trip for me was to introduce him to this experience that he's never had before. I know it wasn't anything like he would have hoped a camping trip would be like, being with a group of friends could always turn out to be more enjoyable than being on a camping trip with family -- and in this case, your girlfriend's family. He's never been around my family like this before, so it sure was new. There were a lot of firsts on this trip. And like i said, my main focus of the trip was more for him than for me. Although i did had fun, i wanted to make the experience worth something for him. After all, it was his first camping trip. So, i'd like to share how it went.

My dad didn't go, he's not much of a camping type of guy. He went to seattle instead for one of his Anti-communist things. Lena invited her best friend also, so the camping trip became more of a couple oriented trip with family. If you know what i mean.

We only stayed there for two days and one night. When we arrived, we set up our tents and set up all our stuff. Afterwards, we went out to the lake on my brother's boat and went fishing for the remainder of the day until sunset. It was my boyfriend's first time fishing (of course), and he caught the first fish out of all of us! I proudly caught the second, heh, but after that no one was able to catch anymore fishes. To my surprise, he really enjoyed fishing. I thought he would have thought it was completely boring, but he found thrill and excitement in it (aside from the sitting around and waiting for a fish to nibble of course). Then once we were about to leave to go back to the campsite, and everyone gave up hope on catching another fish, my boyfriend caught one at the last second! His eagerness to catch another fish really pulled off for him. That night, we had some delicious tri-tip steak and three great trouts to eat. The next day he was excited to get back out to the lake again to fish, but unfortunately he wasn't able to because my brother and his girlfriend took a long time to get back from their hike. The whole family went on a hike in the morning, but we didn't all make it through the whole route due to the hot weather, and my niece was wearing improper shoes. So we went back to the boat while my brother and his girlfriend continued on. We didn't expect them to take so long, but they were gone for nearly three to four hours. We sort of got worried and went back to look for them. Turns out when they got to where they were headed, they scenery was too nice to not sit around and enjoy it. Made me wish that i sucked it up and continued on hiking. As for my boyfriend, he was disappointed that he didn't really get to fish. Next time around, i'll be sure he'll catch at least five trouts. Haha. 

The trip was nice, but it wasn't exactly like anything i expected it to be. We ended the trip early, and headed home once my brother and his girlfriend came back to the boat because my sister's boyfriend had to be home for something. I'm glad i got to share my boyfriend's first experience in the wilderness though! He said he had a good time, and he would go again with me when the time comes. So i guess i did a good job introducing him to it. I was actually afraid that the trip would have gone badly for him, and he would hate camping altogether. 

This is my dog, Rabbit, in a little pink dress looking like a princess. :p

♥

Pathetic

I've lost more friends than I have gained...and I haven't really even lost that many. What does that tell you about me? This makes me feel pathetic really...that I don't have many friends. People say that you don't need a lot of friends, you just need those certain people in your life that are truly sincere. "Quality over quantity". Though this may be true, I feel like I may be lacking this type of relationship amongst my peers in both aspects. Who do I have to count on? Have I lost myself and along the way lost the very few people I had to depend on?

My struggle to try and rekindle friendships has seemed to failed me. I could still say that these people are my friends, but the whole idea of the "best friend" has vanished. I feel like I've been struggling with this whole concept of being accepted and loved for quite some time now.

Here's the way I see it: You may be accepted by your peers or you can be wanted. I suppose I want to be wanted. It's one thing to be accepted. People can accept you as who you are, of you as a person...they don't mind if you're around, they won't ask if you weren't. They'll say hi if they see you, they'll talk to you if you're around (just maybe). But it's another thing to be accepted and wanted. Where people will want you around, want to talk to you, want to be your friend, and want to spend time with you.

I remember back then before I started losing friends, I was surrounded by people who enjoyed talking to me. My friends were my best friends and we told each other everything. I had my best friends from school and those from else where. For those who I didn't see all the time, we always talked. Always knew what was bothering each other and always knew the stupid funny things that happened to each other throughout the day. I was included in activities, and was wanted...at least I thought I was. Good enough for me.

I'm literally so torn up by us all growing up. I haven't quite made an effort to establish new strong friendships with anyone else that I've met in life. I've kept to myself and I stuck to the people I've been calling my best friends since 5th grade and up...but now here's my reality check. I'm holding on to friendships that were built from childhood. I really want to try and make these friendships work but I feel no matter how hard I try, I'll need be able to get back to that state of calling them my best friends again...unless they cared an wanted it just as bad as I do. It really saddens me to see us all grow up and move on...except I'm still here. They're moving on, moving on without me. I have no one to talk to when I need to..no one that truly cares. No girls that I can text when I'm feeling down (such as tonight...) I'm sort of miserable right now. I miss you Tram, Christina, Chavy, Henry, Justin, Lisa, and even you Justine Park...

I feel that ever since I lost Justine as a friend, I lost so much more. She said I never cared for her as a friend, she said I betrayed her. But she'll never understand how much of an impact she made in my life, and what kind of impact she made when she left. She cared for me, and she wanted me around as much as I wanted her around as my friend. But now I'm dead to her, and I'm wasting my time even talking about it.

It's a matter of who I feel comfortable with. Being who I am, it's hard. You can't tell me to suck it up and just go talk to people. It's so easy for you to say because you aren't me. You don't understand how hard it is for me.

I just feel pathetic. That's all.

Got Problems?

Let me give you a little piece of advice. I've been through it, the freaking roller-coaster you call a relationship. It's just full of ups and downs. Being happy with one another and wanting to pull each others hairs out. 

A relationship relies on communication. 

First of all, you can't expect someone to just know something if you don't intend to tell them your thoughts on the matter. It's true what they say, a guy can not read your mind. No human on earth can. Unless...they miraculously have the ability to, then that's a different story. Tell each other everything you feel as you fell it. Don't like something? Let them know. Want something done? Let them know. You can't sit around dropping hints, and hope one of your big hints hits him in the head so he'll realize what you're thinking. Hey, some guys are actually pretty keen about that kind of stuff. They'll just seem to know what you want and what you're thinking...but somewhere along the line, even that guy will hit a wall and not know what's going on in your head. And vice versa of course. If you're upset about something, let him know. The problem isn't going to go away if you sit there with a pout on your face and force him to ask repeatedly, "what's wrong?". Most of the time you'll just respond with, "nothing" and eventually he'll give up on trying to figure out the problem, and you'll have another thing to be mad about. The original problem, and him not trying harder to pry it out of you. Girls can be nutcases. I guess just a select few. Talk things out, talk everything out. But know that there are certain things that you should bring up, and shouldn't. But whatever the case, it wont hurt (too much, if anything) to just talk things out and communicate.

All relationships have problems. Even the ones the seem to be most perfect. There's a problem. Say that your relationship is one that happens to have many of them. Many fights over the smallest things. It isn't necessarily a bad thing. Whatever the case, always try and resolve it amongst one another. If he isn't going to be the bigger man, then you need to take a couple deep breaths and confront him. Address the problem and who is possibly at fault. (Although sometimes, that may lead to another problem because many people don't like to be in the wrong.) Talk it out and make amends. Whatever you do, dont let the problem float about and then go talk to all your girlfriends about it. Relationships are between the two of you. Person A and Person B. No A,B,C, and the rest of the alphabet. You get the gist of it? You don't need to include all your girlfriends into your relationship world. You can tell them all the good stuff. Let them believe the relationship is peachy cream. Once in a while, with a problem that's really big could be an appropriate time to have consolement. For the small stuff, just keep between the two of you. Because remember, a problem will not get any better if you're talking to others about it rather than discussing it with your man. 

I guess that's all i had to say. Communicate. That's it. 

♥

360 turn.

It's as if i just made a full 360 turn with my life. I grew up here in San Jose/Milpitas up till it was time for me to go off to middle school. My mom gave me the news when i was in sixth grade, just as i was about ready and excited to go off to middle school at Rancho Jr. High with all my friends, that the we were moving to Fremont. I cried and pouted, but of course i had absolutely no say in it. It sucked.

Moving to a new school sucks. Moving to a new school when you're going off to middle school or even high school sucks a whole lot more. Why? Because at this point, kids have already figured out who their bestfriends are in elementary school, and they have already formed cliques. It also depends on how you handle the situation, along with how you are. And we all know, i am shy beyond belief.

I struggled trying to make friends, first two weeks i was completely alone. I spent lunch time in the bathroom standing there...waiting for lunch to be over. Finally i had hope, i met a girl who was also new and alone; however, she moved shortly after we became friends. Thus, leaving me alone again. From there i spent my lunchtime in the library, reading by myself. I hated it. Well it took time, but eventually i made friends. Not going to lie, but the perks of being pleasant to look at.

Eventually, friends from my old school and i drifted apart. And i moved on with the fact that i had to move to Fremont. I enjoyed the people i met in middle school. Off to high school, and eventually cliques formed in middle school got smaller and more exclusive. I went from having a large group of friends to only having two lovely ladies by my side. I suppose part of this was because of the way the three of us together just let our friends slip out of hands. We didn't care about it at the time, it was the three of us against everyone else. But now i wish i went a different path. I wish i did connect with people from school better...i wish i did create bonds with everyone.

Soon enough, it was too late. Soon it just became two girls who ended up doing everything together. Realizing that we wanted to know these people we went to school with. But cliques, they were so exclusive...it was hard to squeeze in. Sure everyone was friendly, but we'll never be the two girls people would care to invite out. We dealt with it. Made friends with people from other schools instead.

Highschool is over, and now the whole reason i moved to Fremont in the first place is done with. So we moved back to San Jose. Well now here i am, have lost connection with those in Fremont and San Jose. Who do i have really? I wish i did things differently. You can say you don't need a lot of friends in your life, all you need are the ones that matter...but i barely even have the ones that matter. In life, it's important to build connections with people. Make friendships that will last, so you'll know there are people out there that do care for you.

I'm back in San Jose, and now i have to figure out how to build connections with new people. Wish me luck.

Friends

I've had good friends in my life. Some stayed, and some have left me. The two that left me are doing good in their lives after highschool. It sucks because i don't have anything against them, but since they were once so close and dear to me i wish i can ask them how they're doing. Although i know they're doing great...great without me.

I still check up on them from time to time, via facebook stalking them or what not. Lol. Yah...
One girl for instance is studying abroad this summer in Italy. THATS MY DREAM! I envy that. Well no Italy exactly, i said i wanted to study in France. But i suppose anywhere in the UK would suffice. Well i'm proud of her, and i'm happy she's doing so great. She was once the girl i called my best friend, but for some reason she talked badly about me behind my back because she envied me. Well all i have to say to her is that there was nothing to be jealous about. You got the brains sweetie. That'll take you farther than anything.

The other one is doing her own thing. I guess in the end, maybe we weren't exactly suited for each other as friends anyways. Judging by the way she looks and dresses now, it's just complete opposite from what i'm used to. She's just completely different. Well i mean good for her though for finding herself and pursuing something she is passionate about. Alongside with getting out of this town and living on her own.

My other friends who are still around, are going on with their lives. I'm being strung around as though there is some type of hope that i'll be able to ask them to be a part of my wedding when i'm older. They're off at real colleges and have just finished their first semester as a college student. Now moving out of their dorms, and into apartments with their new friends that they met at school. Fending for themselves, and being adults. Either that, or they're starting college. Real college. Doing great things with their lives.

As for me, i'm at community college and i don't really know where my life is headed. I'm a little unsure about my current declared major, and that scares me a bit. I'm going to just stick with it anyways. I'm absolutely in love with my boyfriend, and sometimes i feel like maybe i love him a bit too much for my own good. Sometimes i don't know where my head is at. And i also don't think i've completely discovered myself...i have no passions in life. I keep hoping i'll meet great people so inspire me to do something. Or something will hit me and i'll realize what i truly want, and have a passion for.

I want to meet intellectuals, who can be both entertaining and can teach me things at the same time. No more hoodlum stuff...but i guess it'll be a while before i get pass this.

Someday i'd like to go to the UK. Just to go there i guess, i can't afford studying there.

♥

Inanimate Objects

We all have things that we care about hella, but then when you start putting inanimate objects before people that you "love" then there is a fucking problem.

You need to know whats fucking important. If it's a hobby, sure. That's not a problem. But it could become one if you're doing that damn shit all the time.

Drives me nuts.

One.

Happy Anniversary to my boyfriend and i! As of May 31st, that is.



Remember when we first started talking, you were out with your friends and i was at home listening to this song. Let Me Love You, and i texted you part of the lyrics that said, "you should let me love you..." and all of that. You responded to me something along the lines of, "only if you really do". I was completely enthralled by you. A year later, and i love you more than anything.
_____________________________________
My boyfriend and i celebrated our anniversary today, because he had work scheduled that day. Originally i was hoping to spend the day with him, but since he had graveyard last night he was sleeping for most of the day. So, he just came and picked me up for dinner. It was pleasant though. Sort of like i the movies when the guy goes to pick up the girl to take her out. He even brought me a bouquet of red roses! I really didn't expect him to get me flowers because he once said that he thought it was a waste of money. So when i opened the door and saw them, i was stunned! Definitely surprised me, and i wasn't so mad bout him taking days to come get me. (I was becoming irritated since i was hungry.)

We went to Maggiano's. Originally, he wanted to take me to Citrus because it was super super fancy, and he really wanted to go all out. I don't know. I've never even been to a place that was dummyass expensive before, so i wasn't really feeling that. Specially because we aren't exactly ballers, so i don't think we should be dinning as though we are. Lol. I mean, whatever i'd be down for it though! But we ended up going to Maggiano's. :)

I haven't seen him in a couple of days prior to tonight, so it was really nice seeing him. We had a lovely dinning experience at Maggiano's, although we didn't get a booth like we usually do. (We find that with a booth, there is more privacy.) We talked, laughed a lot. By the end of the dinner, we decided to have our dessert at the restaurant. And for some reason it was taking a really long time for the cheesecake to come out. It didn't really occur to me cause i was talking to my boyfriend, but i did eventually realize that it took a while. When it finally came, i didn't see the next part coming. The server put the dish down and i was so surprised! I guess my boyfriend had them put my gift on the plate with the dessert. I really didn't know he was about to have that happen. He told me that he came here in advanced to ask them to do that...which i still don't believe. But i suppose i have to. I was all smiles. So sweet of him to do that. Sitting there next to our cheesecake was a small little teal box. Mhmmm, Tiffany & Co.  I have never had anyone surprise me like this before! I felt like i was going to cry. Haha. Just because it was so thoughtful of him to go out of his way to do this. Brownie points for him. I also never would have expected him to get me anything from Tiffany's. Something about this place just screams, "every girl's wish" Or something like that. Jewelry is one thing, but jewelry from here is a whole other story. You ladies should understand. I mean we say we don't care, but if it's sitting right in front of your face on a plate of cheesecake, you can't help me grin from cheek to cheek. I felt myself blushing. Dinner was great. He didn't have to do so much, but he did. Throughout our relationship, whenever it came to gift giving, he never failed to go out of his way to blow me away! It's magnificent.

We went back to my house afterwards, so he can open up my gift to him. Seriously, after what he did for me i felt like what i got him would not compare to everything he did. And it really didnt. How do you top that!? If only there was a Tiffany & Co equivalent for men. I bought him a motorcycle vest since he's been raving about how he wanted one when he borrowed his friends bike. Perhaps i should have thought more into that because he doesn't even have a bike anymore. Well he loves the vest, but he doesn't have a bike. So i suppose we're going to go out to get him something more useful for him. I'm not very good with gift giving. :l However, he did love the scrapbook that i made him a lot. I made him a scrapbook. Hehe. Took a really long time with it also! I didn't get a chance to take a picture of it, but i did get a picture of my favorite section of the whole thing! (The beach and Boiling Crab.) This was my first time doing anything like this, and i've never put so much time and thought into something for anyone before. So i'm really glad he loves it. It was just a collaboration of our first one year together. I'm looking forward to seeing whats in store for us in the future. And this time around, i hope i'll manage to document many of the moments and memories of us together.

Here is to an amazing year, with the most amazing guy that has ever stepped into my life!

*Note to the boyfriend:
Thank you sweetie for everything you've done for me. You have impacted my life in such a positive way, i hope i have one the same for you. I'm truly blessed to have you in my life, and i'm glad i can call you mine. Our love is as strong, if not maybe even stronger as when we first started dating. You have really made me a happier person.

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as i'm living,

My baby you'll be.

♥

"this walrus is here to stay"

I saw an old friend yesterday. Or more like acquaintance, i guess you can say. We aren't really friends since we didn't even say "hi" when we saw each other. Nor did we ever really have a formal introduction to one another in person. Also, the last time we talked was a really long time ago and i don't even remember what it was about.

Anyways, seeing this person made me realize something just now as i was going through my blogs. People actually used to read my blog about two to three years ago. I wonder if anyone does now. Always been sort of curious. It would be cool to be a fan base, but then again i guess i really am just writing for myself.

Lately, all i've seemed to be able to write about were school, my boyfriend, life...i guess that's the gist of it. Since then, i haven't really been sad over anything really. I also learned to not write too much about my problems on here for people to read. I don't really have much "deep" thoughts anymore. I don't know if my sad depressing posts from three years ago could really be considered as "deep", but generally anything depressing can come across as deep. Maybe, maybe not.

There could be a couple aspects as to why no one really reads my blog anymore...
1. Most of everyone has hopped over to Tumblr -- the fake blog. No one really really blogs there. It's just a bunch of pictures! And "reblogs" of things they feel they can relate to. Then the occasional original posting that you would make yourself.
2. The people that actually used to read my blog (i think) were people from church. I guess because we were something like a family, and we were close to one another. Oh i don't know. When i was more close to people from church, that's when i would more frequently hear "oh i read your blog."
3. No one really cares too much? I don't know. Did anyone ever or were people just bored.

You know what would be cool? If i ever became a famous blogger, just based off of this one blog of mine. Too bad this blog doesn't really have an overall them. For goodness sakes, it's titled "this walrus is here to stay" And by the way, if anyone has ever wondered why the hell i titled my blog this well when making it up, i really had no angle. It just sort of popped up into my mind and my fingers typed it out. I liked it so i kept it. Then after a while i realized that it fits in some way, and it does have a meaning behind it. The fact that it's so absurd and random can depict myself as a person in some levels. Whether it's by the blog posts that i write, or just me on a daily basis. Most may not know me, so you wouldn't see me a strange person. It's just the idea that no matter how strange i am (or am not) or different i may be, i'm here to stay.

♥