Pep Talk

Know your worth. What are you worth to someone...how hard are they willing to try to get you?
Know how much heartaches you've been through before it's the last straw. Know that you are to be respected at all times...by the one that "loves" you.

Know how much you can take before it's enough. Do you think you deserve better? Go get it. You are a human being. A person with feelings, emotions, and all that jazz. You are to be treated with respect. You are to be appreciated, loved, and cherished. A creation of God's is not suppose to be spit at. We are beautiful.

The ugly will stay ugly, because they are bitter. Because they chose not to smile and cherish the world. They chose not to be positive even when the worse comes upon them. They chose not to look at the brighter picture. For that, they will be unhappy. They must know that life is more than what they can hold. That it is more than the eye can see. They need to open their eyes up and see where they are at. Are you an ugly person? Are you unhappy about something. Don't be ungrateful. I can't speak for all, but if you have a home you are so fortunate already. Smile! Don't be an ugly person. Don't be bitter. See the world for it's beauty and you will be a beautiful creature within it. Things are tough sometimes...but things will always get better. Maybe it wont. But pretend it will.

Dont let anyone treat you like you're worthless. Don't let anyone talk down on you. Don't let anyone hurt you, break your heart, or walk all over you like you're nothing. Stand up tall, take that shit. But don't embrace that shit. You are better than what the ugly people see you as. Of course you are.

You deserve to be treated right. You deserve to be fucking loved unconditionally. You deserve to be happy. Please. Be happy.

asdfghj

I had a girl's night out today with Christina and Tina. It was much needed...i swear every time i go out with them, i have some type of adventure. I went out tonight...i wanted to be happy.

You know, the whole time i was out i was thinking about him. Wondering what he was doing, if he's as miserable as i am. Each time i stopped talking, my train of thought trails back to him. I wonder if he still cares. I wonder why he hasn't tried talking to me yet. I wonder what this all means...and why do i have to wait so long. How long should i even wait?

Tonight was suppose to be a girl's night out. A legitimate night out with the girls. But plans changed, and along the way we ended up with more company. I guess i'm single now. Some guy was on my ass the whole night, and i was so completely turned off by it. I can handle myself. I just wanted a friendly night to get my mind off of this whole thing. But there were boys, there they were. I'm not saying they wanted me or anything like that. But damn you know, the whole night i just wanted him by my side. I wanted him to tell me he loves me. I wanted him to hold me.

I honestly don't feel like i deserve this. He told me that he'll talk to me when he's ready. But when will that be? How long must i wait. He said some hurtful things to me and i just want a sincere apology. I already apologized for my screw up, don't you think it's his turn to own up to what he did? That's all i want...i don't feel that i'm in the wrong. I don't know why he's going to be the one to tell me that he isn't ready to talk to me.

I wonder if he's as miserable as i am...if he's thinking the same things that i am thinking. But in which case...why isn't he talking to me. See, i'm not talking to him because he asked me to give him his space. So i'll do that.

Family Camping 2012

Another family camping trip, because my family can't afford to all go somewhere more luxurious. I got the opportunity to invite my boyfriend to come along on the camping trip too, so it was a nice experience. Most of the trip for me was to introduce him to this experience that he's never had before. I know it wasn't anything like he would have hoped a camping trip would be like, being with a group of friends could always turn out to be more enjoyable than being on a camping trip with family -- and in this case, your girlfriend's family. He's never been around my family like this before, so it sure was new. There were a lot of firsts on this trip. And like i said, my main focus of the trip was more for him than for me. Although i did had fun, i wanted to make the experience worth something for him. After all, it was his first camping trip. So, i'd like to share how it went.

My dad didn't go, he's not much of a camping type of guy. He went to seattle instead for one of his Anti-communist things. Lena invited her best friend also, so the camping trip became more of a couple oriented trip with family. If you know what i mean.

We only stayed there for two days and one night. When we arrived, we set up our tents and set up all our stuff. Afterwards, we went out to the lake on my brother's boat and went fishing for the remainder of the day until sunset. It was my boyfriend's first time fishing (of course), and he caught the first fish out of all of us! I proudly caught the second, heh, but after that no one was able to catch anymore fishes. To my surprise, he really enjoyed fishing. I thought he would have thought it was completely boring, but he found thrill and excitement in it (aside from the sitting around and waiting for a fish to nibble of course). Then once we were about to leave to go back to the campsite, and everyone gave up hope on catching another fish, my boyfriend caught one at the last second! His eagerness to catch another fish really pulled off for him. That night, we had some delicious tri-tip steak and three great trouts to eat. The next day he was excited to get back out to the lake again to fish, but unfortunately he wasn't able to because my brother and his girlfriend took a long time to get back from their hike. The whole family went on a hike in the morning, but we didn't all make it through the whole route due to the hot weather, and my niece was wearing improper shoes. So we went back to the boat while my brother and his girlfriend continued on. We didn't expect them to take so long, but they were gone for nearly three to four hours. We sort of got worried and went back to look for them. Turns out when they got to where they were headed, they scenery was too nice to not sit around and enjoy it. Made me wish that i sucked it up and continued on hiking. As for my boyfriend, he was disappointed that he didn't really get to fish. Next time around, i'll be sure he'll catch at least five trouts. Haha. 

The trip was nice, but it wasn't exactly like anything i expected it to be. We ended the trip early, and headed home once my brother and his girlfriend came back to the boat because my sister's boyfriend had to be home for something. I'm glad i got to share my boyfriend's first experience in the wilderness though! He said he had a good time, and he would go again with me when the time comes. So i guess i did a good job introducing him to it. I was actually afraid that the trip would have gone badly for him, and he would hate camping altogether. 

This is my dog, Rabbit, in a little pink dress looking like a princess. :p

♥

Pathetic

I've lost more friends than I have gained...and I haven't really even lost that many. What does that tell you about me? This makes me feel pathetic really...that I don't have many friends. People say that you don't need a lot of friends, you just need those certain people in your life that are truly sincere. "Quality over quantity". Though this may be true, I feel like I may be lacking this type of relationship amongst my peers in both aspects. Who do I have to count on? Have I lost myself and along the way lost the very few people I had to depend on?

My struggle to try and rekindle friendships has seemed to failed me. I could still say that these people are my friends, but the whole idea of the "best friend" has vanished. I feel like I've been struggling with this whole concept of being accepted and loved for quite some time now.

Here's the way I see it: You may be accepted by your peers or you can be wanted. I suppose I want to be wanted. It's one thing to be accepted. People can accept you as who you are, of you as a person...they don't mind if you're around, they won't ask if you weren't. They'll say hi if they see you, they'll talk to you if you're around (just maybe). But it's another thing to be accepted and wanted. Where people will want you around, want to talk to you, want to be your friend, and want to spend time with you.

I remember back then before I started losing friends, I was surrounded by people who enjoyed talking to me. My friends were my best friends and we told each other everything. I had my best friends from school and those from else where. For those who I didn't see all the time, we always talked. Always knew what was bothering each other and always knew the stupid funny things that happened to each other throughout the day. I was included in activities, and was wanted...at least I thought I was. Good enough for me.

I'm literally so torn up by us all growing up. I haven't quite made an effort to establish new strong friendships with anyone else that I've met in life. I've kept to myself and I stuck to the people I've been calling my best friends since 5th grade and up...but now here's my reality check. I'm holding on to friendships that were built from childhood. I really want to try and make these friendships work but I feel no matter how hard I try, I'll need be able to get back to that state of calling them my best friends again...unless they cared an wanted it just as bad as I do. It really saddens me to see us all grow up and move on...except I'm still here. They're moving on, moving on without me. I have no one to talk to when I need to..no one that truly cares. No girls that I can text when I'm feeling down (such as tonight...) I'm sort of miserable right now. I miss you Tram, Christina, Chavy, Henry, Justin, Lisa, and even you Justine Park...

I feel that ever since I lost Justine as a friend, I lost so much more. She said I never cared for her as a friend, she said I betrayed her. But she'll never understand how much of an impact she made in my life, and what kind of impact she made when she left. She cared for me, and she wanted me around as much as I wanted her around as my friend. But now I'm dead to her, and I'm wasting my time even talking about it.

It's a matter of who I feel comfortable with. Being who I am, it's hard. You can't tell me to suck it up and just go talk to people. It's so easy for you to say because you aren't me. You don't understand how hard it is for me.

I just feel pathetic. That's all.