no comment

i learned in the past that i shouldn't keep things bottled up, and i say what's on my mind to avoid any trouble/drama.

but really, when these things hit me the way they do how can i? its not as easy as it sounds (for me that is) to go to a person and let them know how i fucking feel.

i just feel...i can't even say it, but lately its been eating me up a little bit and i feel like any day now this is going to blow up in my face. like it has before

kathy we can't fucking baby you all the time

fuck you, i kind of just really despise you right now.

ungrateful

Trying to gather my thoughts together. Right now i'm in a mood that indescribable.

Well not really, it's really dumb actually. As a matter of fact, every time i'm unhappy its always for a dumb reason. I shouldn't be...

I think i care a little bit too much. I care about affection, compassion...and attentiveness?

Living up to expectations and living up to other people.

I'm not even sure how to describe the reason for why i'm unhappy. I'm not unhappy with something, more like i'm unhappy with the way i handle things that occur in my life.

Here let me try the best i can...

Okay here's a scenario:

Theres a person in your life. Everything about their life just always seems to just be one step better than yours. Okay, really? There is no need to compare at all, but you just do, can't help it you know? The thoughts running through your head is always just, damn no fair why can't i buy all these nice things, get all these nice things, get all the men/women.

Kay well here i am, as pathetic as can be just trying to compete. I keep telling myself that there is no need. Why should i yearn for more when what i have should be simply enough? I just want more because i feel like i'll be happier...which in my mind is true. I'll be happier, i'll be happier with all the material things.

I feel like that's a just a bit horrible of me to feel like material things would make me happier. I mean yah itd be so nice to sit and drive in such a nice car, carry beautiful bags and wear lovely clothes with nice perfume and a designer handbag....shit i don't even know. That'd be great.

Shit i'm just an ungrateful little girl, aren't i. That's whats making me sad the most right now. I'm sad because i'm so ungrateful of all the things my mother has provided me with. I know if she could, she'd give me more but she simply can't.

I tell myself constantly that i don't need it. Just be fucking happy i have something. I have a car, its my damn fault i ruined my first one so i'm unhappy with my second one. I have clothes, its my fault i don't spend wisely so i feel unhappy that i don't have enough. Blahblah i have things.

I'm just ungrateful. Now that i let it out, i'm pretty grateful for everything i have.

I don't need to spend a couple grand to make my car fucking nice, which its just my first car anyways. I don't need to spend 200 on a bag, its just a bag. Dammmn.

Girls and their material things.