no comment

i learned in the past that i shouldn't keep things bottled up, and i say what's on my mind to avoid any trouble/drama.

but really, when these things hit me the way they do how can i? its not as easy as it sounds (for me that is) to go to a person and let them know how i fucking feel.

i just feel...i can't even say it, but lately its been eating me up a little bit and i feel like any day now this is going to blow up in my face. like it has before

kathy we can't fucking baby you all the time

fuck you, i kind of just really despise you right now.

ungrateful

Trying to gather my thoughts together. Right now i'm in a mood that indescribable.

Well not really, it's really dumb actually. As a matter of fact, every time i'm unhappy its always for a dumb reason. I shouldn't be...

I think i care a little bit too much. I care about affection, compassion...and attentiveness?

Living up to expectations and living up to other people.

I'm not even sure how to describe the reason for why i'm unhappy. I'm not unhappy with something, more like i'm unhappy with the way i handle things that occur in my life.

Here let me try the best i can...

Okay here's a scenario:

Theres a person in your life. Everything about their life just always seems to just be one step better than yours. Okay, really? There is no need to compare at all, but you just do, can't help it you know? The thoughts running through your head is always just, damn no fair why can't i buy all these nice things, get all these nice things, get all the men/women.

Kay well here i am, as pathetic as can be just trying to compete. I keep telling myself that there is no need. Why should i yearn for more when what i have should be simply enough? I just want more because i feel like i'll be happier...which in my mind is true. I'll be happier, i'll be happier with all the material things.

I feel like that's a just a bit horrible of me to feel like material things would make me happier. I mean yah itd be so nice to sit and drive in such a nice car, carry beautiful bags and wear lovely clothes with nice perfume and a designer handbag....shit i don't even know. That'd be great.

Shit i'm just an ungrateful little girl, aren't i. That's whats making me sad the most right now. I'm sad because i'm so ungrateful of all the things my mother has provided me with. I know if she could, she'd give me more but she simply can't.

I tell myself constantly that i don't need it. Just be fucking happy i have something. I have a car, its my damn fault i ruined my first one so i'm unhappy with my second one. I have clothes, its my fault i don't spend wisely so i feel unhappy that i don't have enough. Blahblah i have things.

I'm just ungrateful. Now that i let it out, i'm pretty grateful for everything i have.

I don't need to spend a couple grand to make my car fucking nice, which its just my first car anyways. I don't need to spend 200 on a bag, its just a bag. Dammmn.

Girls and their material things.

wwiii

Damn. Can't believe that there is this possibility of a world war 3. Never even thought something like this would even occur in my life time! I've heard of many wars as i was growing up. Okay, well not really. I've only heard of the Iraq war, but that didn't even matter much to me. I didn't know much of it. I was kind of scared though, i thought that we would get bombed. Never happened though. Phew.

Well just that fact that this is wwiii, it scares me! Oh gosh, i hope America will be okay. I hope that this isn't as big as it sounds. I hope the south korean people are all okay too.

I feel like i should go watch the news. Or at least continue being updated with this. I don't really follow up on these kind of things. I'm a bit slow.

Eeek. I'm scared. :x

EDIT: My friend and i were having a conversation bout this...

Friend: if another country nukes them or something then they will nuke back

i forgot what that policy was called
Kathy: 12:11 am
haha
i definitely...would not know
either
Friend: 12:11 am
its pretty interesting since it could basically mean like the end of the world lol

hopefully it never goes to that level
Kathy: 12:12 am
O_O
2012!!!!!!!!!
AHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh
AHHHH!!!!!!!!~!!!!
Friend: 12:12 am
ohhhhhhh

wow

forgot bout that
Kathy: 12:12 am
AHHHHH
imma cry
Friend: 12:12 am
very interesting

if thats true we have like 1 year and like 3 weeks left

Well okay.

Who am i trying to fool here? No actually, what the hell am i trying to do...

Its pretty ridiculous actually. Maybe even a little bit embarrassing if anything.

Oh my goodness, i am so pathetic. Really am. I have nothing else better to do with my useless life. I sit around all day listening to music that have me thinking bout him. Haha what the hell. Unsure what has gotten into me because i'm pretty sure, thats not how it is. I kind of just miss the old days. Doesn't matter if there aren't any feeling involved. It's the pure friendship i want. Maybe i am just expecting a little bit more. Which i really shouldn't because i'm not even in that state of mind to even be wanting any of that "compassion".

Hey, i'm just a lonely girl. I've always been. All i really want is some company.

What could be my answers for this. Maybe i'm done with the whole "i'm trying to be single thing". Maybe i have fell back into that whole i want a guy thing again. No that really can't be.

Gosh who am i trying to fool.

I'm making a fool of myself, i know it. It's ridiculous, i can't stress that enough. I should seriously have more pride in myself. I shouldn't be bringing myself down to that level of that creep.

Haha oh my gosh, i really can't help it though.

I mean, i tell myself. I tell myself that i really shouldn't be doing this because he is so done with me that, this thing i'm doing is just going to annoy him. Uhm...

I guess. He told me i'd regret it. Maybe i do now. Maybe i'm a bit sad that things can never be the same. Things will never really be pleasant between us. No matter what. No matter how much time has gone by. That's just how it is. Can't do anything about it. As much as i would try to make it work, it wont. Simply because its not mutual in any way.

So here i am. I seem to have lost some pride here. And writing this probably just made me lose more. Now i feel a little more pathetic than i was at first.

Haha okay bye.

Boots

The boots i ordered finally came in today! Yay! :)

I'm glad i got these online rather than at the store, cause they're super new and nobody else has put their feet in them yet! (At least i hope not) Also the color isn't faded or anything. I got a half size smaller than usual. Which is weird cause i though that when you get boots, if anything you should get a half size bigger...well the lady told me theyre suppose to stretch out. So they better stretch out, cause they're a bit snug.

When i wrote "boots" in the title thing, i accidentally wrote "boobs" instead. Haha.

Well i just got home right now from helping my sister with a wedding. Boy was it tiring cause i'm sick. I lost energy faast. The mexican workers that work in the back of the restaurant creeped me out again. I'm sure theyre very nice and friendly.

Haven't helped my sister out for a while. Hopefully she pays me decently. Hehe i need money to go holiday shopping. This year might actually be the first year that i can buy something for each person in my family! Hopefully...which is a bit sad to me because i want to use that money to buy myself pretty things. :(

You know what sucks...

It sucks when you're in a situation where you happen to care more for a person than they care for you. Hmm...i don't know. You would think that since you care for them so much, and make such an effort to see them or whatever that they would at least just...you know, make some time. Blah. Sometimes i feel like i'm annoyance and i shouldn't even try to make an effort. Because making an effort to see people when i'm always getting shut down makes me feel like i'm pathetic. I just can't help it though. I have to try, because i might gain something out of it. However, if i do succeed it'll make me feel awkward when the person actually makes time for me because then i'll feel like i annoyed them so much that they just have to make time for me.

Do you get where i'm going with this...

Oh so yesterday i was at my sister's house and she made me spaghetti. Gosh i love that stuff. Anyways, we watched Julie & Julia...or is it the other way around? I'm not sure. Okay well it was a good movie. I only watched halfway though because i fell asleep. I hope my sister and Lena don't finish watching it without me.

Kay its like 1:02 am. I should get to bed because i have a staff meeting tomorrow morning for work. How cool, my first meeting. I will dread waking up tomorrow morning. :x

Bye!

Long day ahead of me tomorrowww.

School Related topic

Oh my gosh, so i'm glad to say that i am pretty much on the right track to being able to graduate and walk when the day comes!

The only thing holding me back is the damn service hours. I only have 5 hours out of the 40 hours that i need in order to graduate. Serves me right for procrastinating. Gotta hop on that and get it done quick. I don't want this to be the one thing keeping me from getting my high school diploma.

Time to hit up Interact and Key Club.

Happyface

Had a good four day weekend. Well i have one more day left, but i already know i'm not doing anything tomorrow. But i'm feeling happy right now. All smiles and shit. :)

sadface.

Sucks to get flaked on, but sucks even more to get flaked on and not really have an explanation for it.

didn't even call.

Oh hello

Hmm...there isn't much worth writing about anymore.

Life has been so fantastic though! Or at this moment in time at least, i feel that everything is going great. Mostly because i am in a really happy place right now. Senior year is really just amazing. :)

And even better, all this happiness is self happiness and it's not because of someone.

Gotta admit that since the last time i posted, there have been my sad days, and really tragic days but even with that...to think about the unfortunate events aren't bringing me down either.

Bunny, my poodle is getting bigger.

Anyways...i'm here today to say something really irrelevant but typical Kathy stuff.

So i'm sitting here listening to really soothing music. That may have something to do with why i'm happy right now, cause this kind of music really does make me feel mellow. Well i'm sitting here listening to this, being happy and all and i just wanted to say something...but actually now that i think about it, i think i'll just keep it to myself.

I'm back into my old lazy habits now. I come home from school and i nap everyday. There isn't anything to really do anymore. :(

K. Bye. ♥

Kings Cup

This night, was the first night i got to drink with my siblings.

We celebrated my dad's 60th birthday, and then my siblings, plus their lovers, plus Lena and myself all went to my sister's house and played King's Cup. They let me drink with them. Sure was interesting. Sure was different.

Today i learned that my brother is REALLY childish, and my sister is a horrible dancer. :)

Oo0o0o Lottery!

Okay well its not really a lottery, more like a raffle contest thing, but the site called it a lottery.

Lately i've hella been looking for a nice bag...like one specifically for school. Yah i know, i don't really need a nice bag for school, but i want one thats cute and i will like. I'm kind of picky when it comes to buying purses and sandals. Thats why i don

't have such a variety of them...

Anyways, i was on Tumblr and stumbled across this post about WINNING A BAG. So i looked at it, and well the bag actually happens to be kind of cute. I mean it's school appropriate and all. So why not enter and see if i can win it. :p I know the chances are slim and all, i've never done one of these things before so this is new to me!

Hm....yah, that's the bag that i can possibly win. Haha. Anyways...

I got it off of here http://cruel-kid.blogspot.com/2010/09/win-picard-bag.html

Kay, byes (:

Poodle

My mom bought another dog on Sunday. She's a poodle! A mini one i believe. Haven't named her yet...she's so cute :>

Little Bitches

Little Bitches gotta stop being hella gay and being such goddamn flirts, and messing around with my feelings and all the other girls out there. Damn.

Happy Accidents

" Ruby Weaver is tired f being the "enabler" in the relationships and has decided t give up the role of doormat. She's also on the verge of giving up on love when she meets a sweet, small town guy, Sam Deed, who changes her mind. It seems Ruby's finally found a sane boyfriend -- until Sam divulges that he's a time traveler from the year 2470. Now it's up to Ruby to decide whether love can conquer all. "

I just finished watching this movie i rented from netflix. Its been a while since i've seen a movie that i hella liked. At first i was just about ready to stop the movie because in the beginning it was kind of weird, but it turned out to be really good. This is a movie unlike any others i've ever seen. Has an interesting plot and crazy ending. I loved it.

I recommend watching this. Its like a suspenseful romance.

Where is my mind at...

I don't know what i'm thinking sometimes...or where the hell my head is at, cause sometimes things just happen and i don't even realize because my minds at a daze.

Sometimes my mind drifts off, and i don't pay attention making me totally unaware of what it is i'm doing. Gotta break that, but don't know how.

I'm glad i'm fucking alive right now, goddamn. I was on my way back from lunch at the red light on washington, near safeway. I stopped at the red light and was complaining about my cramps. Gosh was it hurting. I looked into my side mirror and saw Kelsesy behind me and i was like "oh hey, thats Kelsey" And all of a sudden i let go of a my break and started driving...so un aware that my light didn't even turn green! It took me a while to realize after i wondered "why the hell are these cars going ._." that i actually realized that my light didn't even turn green yet!

No one even honked at me...and this lady let me drive through. Gosh it kind of feels unreal now that i think of it. I really need t keep my mind straight while i drive. Totally caught a break there. Hopefully there aren't no cameras there...and if there arent then THANK GOODNESS, and thank goodness i didn't get pulled over or killed.

When i finally realized that i drove past a red light, i hear sirens and it scared the crap out of me, turns out it was just an ambulance. Fuck. :l

boom

Some guys tend to leave some room for a second choice.

This girl is the girl that he possibly does care about. He will do nice things for her and talk to her often...or maybe from time to time. She's a nice girl and enjoyable to be around, if anything. However feelings for her isn't anything serious at all. She's just the girl to keep in the back of his mind and at times he'll think about her, and maybe the though will make him smile...maybe not. She's something though. Just something about it, but really she's nothing. Feelings will never accumulate and she is not something potential.

Gets her mind twisted and she wonders where they stand. In the end she realized that she was probably hung over like no other, and ended up wasting her time. To finally realize that she isn't really something, and she really isn't enjoyable to be around. Reality hits her a little and she figures that well...of course she isn't someone he'd want because she's boring and hard to talk to. She was just in her own fantasy world thinking things were okay. All along though, she did always have this doubt that it is probably just too good to be true, so it doesn't really matter anyways. Thanks to the walls she hopefully built up for herself, she isn't so hurt to find out that he has moved on to better things.

At least we hope its better things/people. Because it sure would suck to discover that he gave up on her for a shadyass person. -- or maybe even worse.

Long Day

Today felt like it went on forever.

I'll just break it down into time frames...

5:00 AM - Woke up, picked up Lisa and got some breakfast @ Mcdonalds.

> Did you know the Mcdonalds' fries aren't vegetarian? They fry the fries in beef oil. o:

6:00 AM - Went to Mission Peak and started hiking.

> This is my second time hiking it, and it wasn't as bad as the first time. I didn't complain as much haha. But the hike up the thing itself didn't even seem that long.

8:30 AM - Got to the top!

> There were actually a lot of people hiking today. On my way up i saw this cute guy. :p He's probably way older than me though. He laughed at me because i almost fell...he was sitting on a rock resting. Well i mean i actually don't really know if he's cute because i only took a glimpse at him. But from what i saw, it looked cute. Just saying. I was so surprised that when i got up there it was only 8. Then again the last time i went we got up there kind of late.

9:30 AM - Started going down.

> Kind of ran down it most of the time, or walked real fast.

10:00 AM - Got down. ( I think it was 10 )

> Wow after a long ass walk/hike, my feet felt sooo relieved when i took my shoes off. Drove bear foot. :)

Kay well after that i stopped checking the time but I went to KFC with Micko and Lisa. I didn't have much money on me so i got a combo meal. KFC ripped me off though. Gave me tiny tiny chickens. Then hopped over to Sonics for ice cream. :p

We went over to Micko's place to go swimming. Gosh was i tired. I just wanted to rest. Around this time, it was probably 11 AM. We waited for Micko's cousins to come by. They left us to go eat at their own places. Took them hella days to finally come through to the pool. I fell asleep under the sun for a little bit and felt like i was on fire. The guys finally came at around 3. Waited hella days in the sun for them, i got pretty tan today.

Went home, showered and then went to SPC to pick up shirts for Lena. Didn't even have her size. Figured that i'll just give her my shirt...so kind of wasted my time going down there today. -_- However since i was in San Jose, i hit up Trung and met him up. We washed my car, so now it's super clean and im happy.

Shoot i was hella tired after that...almost fell over. All my energy was almost gone. I was like...a phone running super low on battery. But then i manned up and went to PCtap and posted it for a bit. Then i went home around 9pm.

The day felt super long. Shit i'm super tired now but i just had to write about this.

Kay night.

Battery life: 0% -- Shutting Down.

& i forgot to eat dinner. :[

Hospital Food

Hospital food is yucky. Well probably not yucky it just looks like it is. You would that since we're paying so much to get checked up and to even stay there over night, the hospital would give us either a bigger portion or better looking food.

Well i went in there to visit my father. The food lady came in with a tray of food. Prepared it all cute and stuff. On a tray with the little cap on it. My dad was like the food here, they make it so good! You should try some. Then he opens up the lid of the food tray and sitting there is this poor excuse for a meal. Oh gosh i was like damn. I mean it smelled nice though. They gave him a small portion of mashed potatoes and meat. On the side was a small plate of cucumbers, one celery stick, two baby tomatoes and broccoli.

Surprisingly that filled him up. Haha.

ER

I was rudely awakened this morning by my father to find out that i needed to take him to the hospital. Usually on any other day if he came in to my room to disturb me from my sleep i would continue just laying there trying to sleep for a few more minutes before waking up...but then i hella shot up super fast and got out of bed when he told me he needed to go to the hospital.

Kind of scary hearing that he needed to go. Well its nothing serious, he's just sick. Currently trying to see if it is anything we really need to be worried about and hopefully it isn't.

But this is probably the first time i ever been to the hospital. I mean i've been there before, once when i was little for my sister but not like i remember, so i don't count it. Well i was just sitting in the emergency room. Didn't realize how small that room is. There were hella sick people in there though. Sick people, people who are hurt.

There was this guy who was there cause his friend was bouta get into a fight with some guy and the other guy was bouta stab him so he jumped in to like help him and he got stabbed himself. Daaamn. True friend right? Shoot. It was just his hand though, so i guess he tried to stop the guy with his hand. It was nonstop bleeding. The gave him a bucket to let it all drip into there....

Then there was this homeless guy there. I suppose that he was hella sick. They placed him in a wheel chair and he was sitting in the waiting room. Gosh did he stink up the place...everyone in there went and grabbed one of those mask things to put over their face. Sure was suffocating. Poor guy though, apparently he came in earlier before i got there with my dad and then he left to walk home but he couldnt walk home cause he was shaking to much, and i believe that either he walked back...or the Paramedics found him on the streets. Not sure cause the people were talking about it. Anyways, the police are going to take him to jail so he can stay there till he gets better. Thats what the lady that was taking his vital signs said. I just over heard all of this.

Really trying to get an internship somewhere soon. Hopefully i can and it wouldnt interfere with work too much. It would be so nice to have the job experience. Too bad i had the opportunity to do so, but lost it.

Always empty

I don't got to say nothing, she already knows

All the girls here shes the only one that glows.

Just got my senior portaits. I don't know if i want to take retakes or not, because i have a feeling that it might just turn out the same and i just wont ever really be satisfied. But then i think maybe i just will because i was really unfomfortable with my shirt falling down and all. Also, my smile looks very very fake.

Once again i'm unhappy - i have an empty feeling inside.

So Precious

http://wimp.com/kidmath/

Just had to share it.

Showers

Every morning when i get out of bed, i have to take a shower.

I started doing this ever since Freshman year. This causes me to take more time tryna get ready in the morning. Every morning i'm on time crunch and i have to rush in doing everything, it gets annoying.

If i don't shower in the morning, i kind of just feel a little uncomfortable the rest of the day, don't know why. :/

One time i actually did try to just shower at night so i can sleep in a little more, but then the rest of the day i felt kind of icky. Weird huhhh.

The only time that would be acceptable is if i curl my hair at night or something. I think this has something to do with how i'm thinking of it. Hm...iderno

Old news

When i loose a close, good friend...its not just loosing another friend, it's like i lost a sister.

You may say that sounds...cliche or corny or whatever but its fucking true and i feel torn a little. Like somethings missing. Theres nothing i can do to patch it up anymore. Its all gone.

Sleepless night

Lately, i have bee having crazy nightmares. Most of them all consists of someone trying to or actually succeeding in killing me. It's pretty horrifying and it leaves me tossing an turning all night.

Last night was the worst of them yet. I really don't know why i have dreams of myself dying. Can anyone explain this to me? Weird! But just a dream. Good thing. Haha.

I'm so sleepy right now. :(

Happiness

I absolutely love it when just suddenly, out of no where i get filled with pure happiness. & Then i sit here looking super cheesy.

Note to Friend - Thanks for you input, and i already made up my mind that i wont let him fuck around with me. Thank you for caring because i seriously thought you didn't care anymore. Kind of made me happy knowing you do.

That's it. Bye.

The afterthoguht

I really wasn't sure what to entitle this blog post.

My thoughts are usually all the same. Pretty much this blog consists of boys, how boys make me angry, how i'm sad, parents, love...random crap.

Well anyways, it's hard to trust sometimes.

I really don't want to set my wall up so high, that no one can't get through to me...but like i really don't want to be made a fool of. One person in particular...

This person, i really don't know what he thinks of me. Everything he says is seriously like a joke to me. I don't trust him at all. He keeps trying to tell me, persuade me that he "changed" or things a different, he's really serious this time. He tries guilt tripping me saying crap like wow you don't even care, youre so mean. Well i mean that doesn't really guilt me into giving in, its just wow....shut up will you? In the past, he's fooled me once. This time he surely isn't going to fool me once again. Fuck, i'm ashamed to say it but he did slightly get me to lower my walls. It's like...he's such a nice person but really isn't, you know? Ugh, i really don't know.

And now he tries to get at me, which i still feel is a fucking joke, all because his girl doesn't want him. So he comes to me to try and fill the void...like i'm some rebound girl.

Go away, i'm tired...

Just my luck, isn't it. All the guys i may be attracted to are jerks, the nice guys i may like are fucking weird creepos in reality.

There was probably only one guy that fit my standards just perfectly and i fucking let him go. Fml.

Sorry for wasting you time, reader.

Picking up a hobby

Hello.

It's been a while. Life just hasn't been very interesting. It has, however, been good to me though. (:

Started school yesterday. It was a drag. I have one boring ass period, which i hope to maybe transfer out of & one lightweight boring class that may hopefully get better as the year progresses.

All my other classes are chill. Lightweight...

I really wonder if it's possible to remake a friend where you left off in bad terms with. Actually, i wonder if it would even be a good idea. So many people i want to talk to again, but i'm a pussy and don't think i can do it. I don't like rejection.

So i don't know where i came up with this idea, but i want to start playing the piano again. I just want to have something to do with my life. You know, so i'm not sitting around doing nothing all the time. The piano makes such beautiful music & i feel like it could really bring me joy. Lol i sound hella fruity. Well i asked my mom to help me find classes so i can take them. Hopefully i don't forget and actually follow through. I want to keep myself busy some how, just to keep my mind off things i shouldn't be thinking about.

I also want to maybe...look into ballet. Haha. But that is really just a thought. I don't think i'll really start twirling around in a tu-tu.

Its official!

So as you may, or may not know i got my license two weeks ago. Hehe. Passed on my first try, yes i'm very proud of myself. Yay! I finally got insurance on my birthday, i guess that would be considered as my gift. What more can i ask for now at this point...no more goose feathered blanket for me. Well whatever. I finally took my car out and drove without the parentals, for the first time! Hehe.

I realized that there isn't much to do at all...even with a car. All i did was go to the mall with Lisa.

Oh my gosh, i am not shopping anymore in a while. I bought myself a wallet today, finally. I hella needed one, so spending almost all my money on it...i guess i

s lightweight worth it. & Its a cute wallet too. I like it. It's bluee.

Hehehe. CUTE HUH?! Well whatever, i think so. I have never really actually purchased a wallet for myself before. The wallet that i have been using for the past 3 years, was a wallet i found...and its finally dying out on me. That ugly thing, is finally out of my life. Whoo-hoo. Decided to finally get a new wallet so i can have a nice lovely place to put my ID. :3

I'm happy. I treated myself to something super nice. Never done that before.

And who knew i'd ever get a blue wallet...of all colors. I kind of wanted something more in the red or white family. But i saw this, and just loved it.

Well first day out with the car and all, Lisa and i were very happy. We kind of just drove around. Of course i need to be more cautious about just driving around aimlessly...cause it's hella gas i guess. :/ Well we went to Ulta! I got new nail polish. OPI. So pretty. o:

I got "Jade is the New Black" and "We'll Always Have Paris Suede" Such pretty colors. I've been looking for the color Jade for such a long time now. I don't know why, but its such a pretty color. And since they had this special offer thing where if i spent at least 10 dollars on an OPI product, i get these three little nail polishes for free, i decided to just buy the other color as well. Its pretty! The little OPI nail polish bottles are so cute. Its like the new fall collection or something? Idk.

Omg. I love nail polish. Can't wait to paint my nails tomorrow. :3

Testing, testing

one two three...

I linked my blogspot to my tumblr, and now i'm trying to see if it works.

Pinch Me

Lately my life has been feeling very unreal to me. So unreal, but i'm liking it in a way.

Yet i'm so confused as to what is going on that it frustrates me a bit. Really though, feel so unreal. It's kind of hard to explain how its feeling.

Well things are going just great. Yet i still end my day with "fuck, what do i do..."

Platoon

Watched Platoon today in history. Its like a war movie based on the Vietnam War.

There was this one scene that was really heartbreaking for me to see. I think that had to do with the fact that i actually understood what the Vietnamese people were screaming. If i didn't understand, it probably wouldn't have made me feel like tearing up.

So basically in the scene, the U.S troops invaded this Vietnamese village. They assumed that the villagers were all communists, but they weren't. They were all hella scared and begging for the soldiers or whatever not to shoot them. The soldiers were being so mean and rude - i guess i can't blame them much because maybe they didn't even understand. Well this old Vietnamese lady and this guy were screaming and telling them they're not communists and they didn't listen. They shot the old lady and she fell to the ground. The rest of the scene was the soldiers carrying the villagers away, i think (not sure i was kind of distracted), and then this little girl was crying and crying by the old lady saying "grandma, grandma". So sad.

One more day of summer school. Tomorrow, we're watching Hot Tub Time Machine. Heh.

Sprinkles

Different day today. I love different days. Different days are when i don't sit around at home doing nothing, or sit around Fremont doing nothing but chill. Today i went around. I saw places that are different from what i usually see. I really need to get around more, cause it's really as if i'm living under a rock. And today was like someone finally grabbed me out from under there...

Went to Palo Alto today. That place is really quite gorgeous. Very mellow and peaceful...although there were a lot of people around. The area itself just seemed like a place you would want to be for a nice peaceful time.

Saw Standford for the first time. That schools really nice. I think most college campuses are suppose to be. Haha i never really got a chance to go browse colleges, and i don't think i ever will since i'm going to a JC. Maybe for my kids though. Haha.

My friend took me to Sprinkles. I've never been here before, but from most of the people i hear it from, they say that their cupcakes are just out of this world or you haven't lived till you try one. Well...i don't know what's wrong with my taste buds but it wasn't as amazing as everyone made it out to be. So i was a little bit disappointed that my mouth didn't explode with happiness. Don't get me wrong though, it was a good cupcake. But...it just tasted like a cupcake. The store was cute, the name of the store is cute, the box they put the cupcakes in are cute and even their utensils are cute. Its a cuteass store! However, when i was eating the cupcake with their wooden fork, what i tasted the most was the wood of the fork. Maybe that had something to do with the way the cupcake tasted to me.

Some other time. I'm sure the next time i go it'll be better. Ahah.

Well that's it really. Came home and went to Church with my sister and went to Fantasia. (:

Heh.

Now i'm just SUPER tired and i'm going to pass out now. Goodnight.

rant

I hate it when people make me feel stupid, dumb, retarded for the things that i say/state. Always making me wish that i never even said it in the first place.

Can't i just state something, and not get grilled for it?

Or can't i just say something, and not expect someone to make a "life lesson" out of what i just said...?

Fuck, i'll just stop complaining then. Thought you'd be the last person to make me feel like a dumbass. Guess i was wrong. Everyday i feel like what i say is idiotic. Hard to even say shit thats one my mind. Cause youre always going to have something to say about it to make me feel dumb.

Don't know but the way you try and make me feel better, just makes me feel worse.

My feeling about this make more sense in my head then out in text.

______________________

Every time i get mad about something or at someone. Or i get upset or sad over something...in my head i can hear her say "Kathy you're such a baby. Why do we always have to baby you?"

And i try to suck it up and stop whining, but i just can't.

Why am i such a baby??

No meat for me.

So my mom is mad at me. Or we are kind of mad at each other...so i've been sitting in my room all day even though she isn't home cause i'm kind of unhappy about this. Well she's upset and we're on no talking terms.

Basically...my family had teryaki today and NO ONE CALLED ME OUT TO EAT.

I didn't even know...now i'm even more upset and hungry. And there's no more meat left.

The Walrus:

Found this today as i was browsing on Tumblr. First i was like this is cute and then i was like NO WAY THIS IS HELLA CUTE. How perfect for my blogspot. So here it is. The Walrus.

Fantasia

I love fantasia. I love their hot taro milk teas & lychee honey milk tea. ♥ ♥

I want it now, badly. I crave for it. So delicious in my mouth.

I burned my neck the other day with my hair straightener.

& I told my mom bout it and she was like wow how the heck did you do that.

Was walking around with her in public this morning with my hair up and she looks at my neck and she said, "You're neck is gross. Why do you even have your hair up? You should put it down, otherwise people are going to think you're doing bad things."

Hm...i'm assuming that she's referring to hickeys. & if i'm assuming correctly, then i guess my mom knows more than i thought! Haha. And i thought she didn't know. I wonder what other thing she knows about little teenagers. Gotta be careful about what i do in the future, huh. Lol.

p.s. T.I is one sexy ass black man. Mmmm so sexy, so yummy. Heh. :p

Diffuser

I really wish my hair could be super wavy on days i want it to be. Nice defined waves...

Well somewhere i heard that diffusers are suppose to give waves to my hair with nice definition...

Heard that somewhere. Then i realized...shoot maybe its just for people with curly hair because it'll just define their curls nicely.

What a shame. I just want curly or super wavy hair for one day. Sigh.

& i don't even know how to use this diffuser. Haha.

my mouth is watering

So many cravings right now.

I really want some Chipotle or any type of mexican food. MmmmmmmmMmm.

I also want some frozen yogurt from Orange tree, the one in great mall.

Wait yah, thats it. But seriously, Mexican food sounds amazing. AMAZING.

The lady on desperate housewives was munching on chimichanga and it just looked delicious.

Snake

Someone asked me today, "Why are you always dressed up?" I don't know why. o_o
I kind of felt a little bit insulted by this question for some reason. But i really don't know why i "dress" up. I actually...come to think of it, i don't really dress up. I just dress. Heh.

New Discovery!

Youtube is not just a place to go to watch all sorts of videos on your free time when you're bored. Oh no sir-eee. Apparently, you can do so much more. o:

Here's what you do:

1. Go to Youtube.com

2. Find a video that has their new video players

3. Press pause (or maybe you don't really have to)

4. Hold down the left arrow key

5. Play Snake :3

I love tumblr. I find so many cool interesting things on that site. Haha.

2 more days till another big step into growing up.

2 more weeks till summer school ends.

Pewpew, i am excited.

Truth

For some reason i want to get cornrows on one side of my head just for the hell of it.

I gotta learn how to accept myself, and be true to who i am.

For me that would be easier said than done.

Dreamland

Hi, just got back from a day out. It was fantastic.
Let me tell you about it...

After school, Lisa and i sat in front of Irvington for about two hours. Don't know why. We were socializing with our peers i guess. Was sitting there for longer than i hoped for. Ran out of energy cause eventually i got super hungry. So after the two hours, Lisa and i, along with a few other people, went across the street to the Pizza Palace for some pizza. It was delicious. Well i don't know what happened, but we ended up sitting in there for probably another hour or so. -______- We were supposed to go watch a movie right after school but people ended up having things to do after school...so our plans kind of got ruined. I guess thats why there was a whole lot of sitting around involved. Lisa and i were kind of confused as to what was going on, so we left the pizza palace and said goodbye to our friends and headed home.

We walked down Grimmer (I think?) to this hair salon called Le Visage because we wanted to get price quotes to get our hair done. The place looked really nice and fancy, so it was no surprise when we looked up the prices and they ended up being way higher than what we can afford. Left the place saddened because we can't afford expensive haircuts. Stopped by Taco Bell to get ourselves some water for the rest of our trip home. Ended up sitting in there for a little bit to rest. Met a very odd man who offered to get me some more water. He creeped us out just a bit so we decided to leave.

It was a nice walk home. Very hot though. But wasn't too, too hot. Which is good.

As we were walking down Driscroll, we saw the car parked on the side of the sidewalk. Usually, my first instinct would be to look through the windows of the car as i casually walk by. Well this hit me by surprise when i happened to look into the window of the front seat, i was faced with a traumatizing view. This man, had his junk out and was jacking off. Jacking off in his car, in the public! Ugh, it was so disgusting. I don't know how people can actually think thats an okay thing to do. Whatever though i guess...its a free world. At least he wasn't doing it totally out in the open. Yuck. Never in my life....

Went to the mall and walked around with Lisa as she bought stuff. I'm broke and can't afford anything i want. I hate going to the mall and not having money. :(

Met up with our friends a little bit later to go watch Inception. It was such a good movie. Oh my goodness. So mind blowing! I was confused for most of it, but i caught on to what was going on.

Kay thats it, i just wanted to mention that i watched inception, and it was great.

SO SLEEPY RIGHT NOW & i don't even know why. Maybe it was my long walk. Goodnight.

New Layout?!

So i was kind of getting bored of my old blogspot layout. Been having it for a longass time. Went to go change it, but apparently blogspot got a whole bunch of new modified templates. I thought they were kind of ugly, but whatever. Yay for changes. Baby steps. :p

I kind of like it so far. Look at the color of my links when you hover over them. Hot Pink! O:

So pretty...

Day 27: The friendliest person you knew for only one day

That's really hard to say actually. I would hope that people who i find friendly, are people that would stay in my life for quite some time. Unless they're old and i met them randomly somewhere...i guess that's a different story. Can't think of anyone that i only knew for one day that i found very nice though. If anything, i just can't remember. Oh well.

Maybe someone from chatroulette. Heh.

K. that's it. Bye.

~~~

If there's a crush and they seem to not be cooperating, you say "fuck it, idgaf anyways!"

Move on with life, and all is good. Because there is definitely someone out there who will make an effort. I mean...if they're not making an effort in the first place, what's the point? They just don't like you enough to make the effort.

Imo.

Mostly directed towards girls. I (emphasize on "i") feel like, girls shouldn't have to try hella hard to get a guy. I mean i guess try, but don't try so hard. You know? Cause like i said, if he isn't trying he doesn't want you. Then he's not worth it.

IMO!

V(^_^)V

Went to the beach today. This summer i went to the beach quite a few times already. Today is the first time out of all those days that the weather was just perfect at the beach. The sun was shinning, the weather was warm & the water felt so nice against my skin.

We left early(well at 1230 or something) and headed off to get our tan on. Everything seemed to go smoothly. Windows down, wind blowing in my face. Fresh breeze that felt so nice. Music blasting at a nice level. Singing along to summer tunes. Yah, everything was nice. Unfortunately, as we were having such a nice drive. Almost there. Just on the highway, the car decides to give up. Engine over heats. Next thing we know, we ended up sitting at a mini turn-out spot on the highway for two hours. Now here's where the great hotness of the weather, was not so great. It began to feel real hot. We began to get bored. So sad that our friends who drove off behind us were probably already at the beach at this point, splashing around in the water and not feeling hot.

Luckily for us, the car broke down and decided to stop right at the end of a road that leads to people's homes. Surprisingly, the people who lived up the road were really kind. Many of them drove by and asked us if we needed help. Apparently, many people's cars get broken down right there so if you walk up the hill to where the gates to the houses are, there's a box where they have provided people whose cars overheat hella gallons of water! What a relief. I'm no car person, i have no idea what happened to the car. I just know that first the engine over heated. Then something was leaking; apparently it's something about a pistol...i'm not sure. But we were hoping the car would get working again so we can head on our way but it never did. We gave up hope because the car really seemed to not work. Had to call up AAA, and then CHP tow truck thing. One of our friends had to come back and pick us up. Well after we go picked up, things got good again. :)

Met a few new people. I love meeting people sometimes. People who are nice make me happy.

Went into the water. Got buried in the sand.

Drank & glowed. Had good laughs.

After the beach we all went to Little Madfish and had sushi. Hehe. I haven't had sushi in a longass time! But my tummy wasn't really feeling it. I couldn't eat that many pieces of sushi. Couldn't get myself to swallow it. I don't know why. So i didn't get to finish my Philadelphia and ended up giving it away.

Kinda just posted it afterwards, and chilled. It was different. I have never really been so engaged in conversations with other people before. Usually i don't talk much. I just sit and listen. I guess cause these people really know what they're doing. Well not really. They were just making me laugh the whole time. Also probably because they talked to me also. Rather than just have me sit there, you know? Well they were just cracking jokes most of the time. Ahah. It's nothing special.

If i think about it, i enjoy going out and doing stuff. Before, going out would seriously just being going out to e out. Then just sitting around and doing exactly nothing. At least that's what i would be doing. I would sit...and do nothing. Sit and listen. Ugh. So now a days, if there isn't a good enough reason or actually something to do when i go out, i don't really feel up to go out. Mostly because my mom is so anal about me being out of the house...so why make her upset when i'm bouta do nothing. That's one way that i'm thinking about it.

But i mean, going out and doing nothing is actually usually just going out to see people. Although, if i really think about it. These people that i go out to see, really can't even careless about my existence/presence there anyways. So now a days, i don't even care if i see these people or not. I no longer even think of them as "my friends". They're more like...Lisa's friends. Ahah. Cause like i said, i don't talk to them. I don't feel the need to. Unless they wanna talk to me, i'm all ears.

Well i had a good day today. Its been a while since i have really had a good day. I like it when i enjoy myself. (:

Tumblr Famous?

Here are some ways you can possibly become famous.

1. Be famous famous. Like Hollywood famous. - Be an actor(ess) or singer.

2. Famous Comedian? I guess so, right?

3. Talk show.

4. Be on a reality T.V show. Act like a drama king/queen. Get your own reality T.V show.

5. American Idol? Either be really good, and get into the actual show or be really bad that everyone likes you. Or ABCD.

6. Youtube Famous. Get many viewers. Sing, talk to your viewers - make them like you, dance. Youtube comedian i guess! Like Timothy. He's funny, i like him.

7. Tumblr Famous??? Get tumblr. Get followers...

No offense to those who happen to actually be "tumblr famous" though. But i find it a bit dumb...

Mostly because, what the hell did they all do that is so amazing? Because i swear this whole blog thing has become just another hype.

Most of them become well known because they probably submitted one of their pictures to a website that is some what like advertising them (fyfilipinocuties, fyvietcuties, etc...) Then since anything on tumblr that gets posted can get spread like wild fire, people would just simply click the picture because they'll think they're very attractive looking and then follow. Then more and more followers come. Then the tumblr blogger gets their ego boosted a bit.

The majority of their blog posts (that i've seen so far) consists of formspring questions, things that are just kind of typical for a blog - them talking about their day, stuff that bother them, things on their mind - and many many reposts of things they find interesting. But a lot of questions from people they don't exactly know personally. Most of the questions/comments would be like "You're so cute, but you probably get that a lot"

Anyways! I got distracted and lost my train of thought.

Well my point is that most of these "tumblr famous" kids, in my opinion i find totally pointless in even being "tumblr famous". Its as if they love this attention they are getting. Because there are pretty amazing people on tumblr, i gotta say. But those people who actually have like some sort of meaning to their blogs aren't as recognized as much as these kids are. So i wonder, wtheck?

Loosing train of thought again...

Well it gets to a point where these tumblr kids actually set up dates where all these tumblr people from the area that happen to have many fans meet up in a designated area and have a meet and greet.

What is so special? o_o

To be continued...if i ever recollect my thoughts.

*Or read this, because right after i posted this i went to this girl's blog and was reading through her post cause i have nothing else better to do. She just took the words right out of my mouth. I definitely couldn't even have said it better myself.

Summer Reading

So i need to improve... -- can't think of the word.

I need to exercise my intellect. Because i am almost always at a lost for word. I believe that my vocabulary is quite limited. Sometimes i can't even think of a word in my mind, that i would have to look it up. It's a bit sad. Also, sometimes my grammar sucks. Does anyone notice it? That's almost just embarrassing. And lastly, sometimes i even spell things wrong. Not just big words, (not like i use big words to even spell them wrong often in the first place) but also the most simplest of words. -- Did i write that sentence incorrectly. It seems grammatically incorrect.

I feel like an idiot sometimes when i try to pour out my thoughts, because i have no idea how to form my words together to have a nice flow. Its all mumbo jumbo.

So here is my brilliant idea. Reading! Reading is the BEST and probably one of the only ways to exercise my intellect, do you agree? Well i used to read a lot during the summer. Then i suddenly stopped. Oh gosh, i have read so many good books. I loved buying new books to read. (:

Too bad, i'm currently poor and i feel like buying books is definitely not something i should really be investing money on at this time, so i can't really buy books. I also never really go to the library, and if i do...i'm kind of too lazy to look through all the selection of books and find one or two to bring home to read. The other thing is that i hate the deadline of when i need to bring the book back, or i'll have to pay a fine. Even though i can renew it, its a little bit pressuring.

So my solution is re-read all the books that i have already read in the past! Yay! Hehe.

Its not like i really remember what most of the books are about anyways...and such a waste that i bought them just to read them once. Might as well, right? Make my moneys worth!

I told myself this at the beginning of the summer that i'm going to start reading again. I even left a book on my table to i can read it. Never got to it, because i have been awfully lazy. Well no promises to myself that i'm going to read. I guess this whole summer reading is just an idea. And this post is just for motivation. If it works, it works. Knowing me, i might become too lazy and pass out on my bed. My poor brain...

My first book on my list, the one on my desk, is Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris.

I got this book summer after Freshman year. I brought it into summer school, because my class required me to bring in a book to read. My teacher asked me "are you really ready this book?" and of course i said yes. She seemed a bit shocked because i guess it didn't seem like a book for people of my age to read. She told me its a good book, and that it happens to be one of her favorite. I finished it in about a week. I didn't really have a life that summer. Haha. Sat in my living room on the couch almost every day reading this book. Little by little.

I think for a while, David Sedaris became one of my favorite authors. I totally forgot what this book is about, so i'm eager to read it again. That is if i ever get to it right. Heh.

Its Wildly Entertaining.

Age Requirements

Not sure if i ever wrote about this, at the moment i'm not sure what i've posted up on here, tumblr or made a comment on twitter.

My job hunt is going very unsuccessfully. I applied or tried to apply at many different places already. Each time i find their application, i run into the same situation. Almost every place requires me to be at least 17 years of age, or even worse 18 years. I get more and more annoyed each and every time i run into their little disclaimer.

Especially F21. Their age requirement really pisses me off. They have two check boxes asking how old i am...

Are you 16 or over? 􀀀 Yes 􀀀 No

Are you 18 or over? 􀀀 Yes 􀀀 No

Persons under 16 years of age are NOT eligible for employment at Forever 21 Persons under 18 years of age are NOT eligible for employment at Forever 21 and and its companies. its companies in the following states: AL, AR, CA, CO, CT, DE, DC, FL, HI, IN, KY,

LA, MA, MD, ME, MI, MN, NV, NH, NJ, NY, NC, OH, OR, PA, RI, TN, WA, and WI.

First of all, it states that anyone under the age of 16 may not work with their company. I read that part and sparkled with excitement for a second until i ran into the pink line saying that people under 18 also may not work with their company...in the fallowing states, including the state in which i reside. Now heres what just bugs me. How are they bouta ask me If i'm over 16 and then not allow me to work there? And thats a lot of states mentioned! Might as well just not allow anyone bellow 18 to work at any F21 store, period. To make it fair you know? Sigh.

Along with F21, many other retail stores wont hire anyone under the age of 18 either. So i have no luck finding a job in a mall. Which is both a good and bad thing. The fact that i'm not even old enough to work at a clothing store is someone helping me save money. Because for most people, working in a mall means spending your paycheck at the mall after receiving it.

However, Hollister and Ambercrombie & Fitch are hiring people that are at least 17 years old. Which i almost am. Not so bad. I would just have to wait another month to actually apply there. The only thing now, is i'm desperately in need of a job right now. Mother is no longer giving me money, and i want to buy myself stuff. :(

Anywhere else that is hiring and that i applied for, just isn't calling me back. Bummer. -_____-

But i guess i'm in no rush. I can wait another month. Just wait and see when i end up not getting a call back from their company. Then i wont know what to do...then i would have to resort to working at a food place.

What to do...

Anyone need a maid? I'm an amazing cleaner!

Heat wave

Its very hot and suffocating in here.

My room is a mess, and i believe that may be part of the problem of my suffocation.

I do not have AC, and if i do...i hav e no idea where it is located. I know my house has a heater though...

If i open up my window, will it help or is that just going to let more heat into my room?

This warmth in my house is really powerful. Its making me weak, and lazy. Its making me a bit woozy and dizzy.

The worse thing about being hot, is being hot after a work out and sweating. Sweating and your shirt seems to stick to your body. Your body is just sticky. The worse part about sweating is sweating and being a girl. Because girls have to wear both a bra and a shirt.

imo.

So you're a girl. You're sweating, and you just feel really icky. Your bra strap is just kind of uncomfortable, and you just want to take it off to let your body breathe. But you can't. Can't just take off your bra. Can't just not wear a bra. Well i mean you can, its a free world...go for it.

Earlier, i took a walk. It was a long walk and on my way home i was just dying to break into a sprint to get into my house, but i didn't want to look like a fool running frantically to escape the eat with a purse in to hang on to and my top flying against the breeze of the run. How would that look huh. So i just stuck to speed walking. Walking outside in the afternoon is equivalent to walking in the dessert.

Got home and dropped all my stuff on the floor. Oh goodness, i felt so nasty. Took a cooold shower, which felt really nice. Heh.

Sometimes it sucks when a girl can't walk around in her under garments in her own home, without feeling weird. Its not fair that guys can walk around half naked. Oh well i guess. Clothes or no clothes, it would still be hot.

Good thing its not as hot as it could be. When it is as hot as it could be, i'll complain more.

Boy you get me hot

I'm so close to having it, but i'm afraid of the outcome of when i actually get it.

Sometimes things are better from afar. Then when you finally get it, its just not as great as you assumed. Which sucks huh...the only thing to do now is just fuck it and let it happen.

All these days in one.

Because i'm hella annoyed of just making hella short posts about this 30 day shit.

Day 18: Someone who pesters your mind

So i looked up what pester meant because i don't know what it meant.

Three people in the world who really "pester" my mind.

Three different reasons as to why.

Just because you left my life in a way i wish you hadnt. Just because you piss me off so much that when i think of you, i can't help but say ew. Just because how the way you show yourself, it makes it seem like you don't give a fuck. Which you probably don't. You don't take shit from anyone. Which bugs me. That's it.

Day 20: The one that broke your heart the hardest

Hi. You're an asshole. I keep saying that if i ever saw you again, i'd be hella happy. You left me so suddenly. But then, if i see you...if i had the courage, if i wasn't afraid you'd get your "pot-nas" to come shank my ass, i would fucking yell at your shady ass. But first i want to know why. But then idgaf. Get the fuck outta my sight.

If you ever to "fall" for me again. I would do the exact same thing you did to me. But i'm not that low, i just wouldn't let you have it. But i know you're never coming back. I got over it. Bye.

Day 21: Someone you judged by their first impression

I don't really judge people much. But...i have my moments.

I saw this girl. She sat down, and i examined her. Thought to myself - this girl can't be straight. Well turns out, i was right. She's not straight. I find that really cool.

Freshman year, the boy that sat in front of me in math. Damn who the hell is this guy. He looks like a dork. He has a hole in his shirt, why is he wearing it. He became one of my really good friends that year. He's really cool. I love him. Too bad, we lost touch. Barely even talk anymore. Kind of miss it. Stupid ROP. I blame ROP. I never got the notebook back. :(

Day 22: Someone you want to give a second chance to

The problem with this question is...well if i wanted to give them a second chance, i would have done that already.

I don't hold grudges. I happen to be very forgiving. If anything, it would be me hoping the other person would give me a second chance. Well i gave up on hoping they'll give me a second chance. I don't think its ever going to come. So i guess it's whatever.

But Dear person, if you were to give me a second chance...i wouldn't change much. The only thing i would do differently is make is completely obvious how much i love you and how much you mean to me. Don't let this get to your head though. If you treat me like you're better than me, i'm bouta be hella unhappy.

Day 23: The last person you kissed

Lol. I don't miss kissing you at all. (:

I know you feel the same way. Whatever.

Day 24: The person that gave you your favorite memory

Dont even know what my favorite memory is. I can't think of any. All my memories are...not favorite worthy.

Lol. So negative.

Day 25: The person you know that is going through the worst of times

I would have to say that person is my mom. And without going into so much depth, all i have to say to my mom is that i'm tryna find a job to help you out. No worries!

Day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise to

Don't remember. Heh. I made a pinky promise with Lena though. I told her not to tell anyone. Forgot what it was. Pointless, so pointless.

Day 18

I don't wish to be anyone else. I'm totally content with being myself. The only thing would probably be, i wish i was a better version of myself. Now that totally just contradicts me saying that i am happy with myself...but if i could just careless. That's it.

Shits stupiddd.

Social Networking.

Sometimes i sit here mad at the world, but more mad at myself for being so worthless. I get a fat urge to delete all source of social networking - cept my blogs - because i see no point in it. Just i can't get myself to do it. Because i know that this is just one of my "moments" and soon i'll be happy again and i'll need my social networking sites.

But what is my use for it exactly? I find it incredibly boring. Whether i am happy with life or not. Its just kind of boring. I get to stalk people, i guess...

Its true that social networking sites are so people can stay in contact with you. So they'll know who you are and that you exist. However, if people really actually wanted to stay in contact with you, and want to know who you are and that you exist they will find a way to. Then you'll see who really cares.

Because there's only about 4 people that really care. The other few hundred, i don't even talk to. ahah. Funny.

Bad day?

So the way i see it...

When you're having a bad day, the worse thing to do is sit around and mope about why it's such a bad day. What you do is figure out why the hell your day is going so terribly, and then think about the bright side of it. Once that is complete, you get up go out and cheer your ass up.

Easier said then done?

When you're sad for a reason, you think of the better days. Say, it's not that bad. C'mon now. Cheer up pal...

When you're sad because someone might have caused you to be in that state, think about the good things the person has done for you. Don't be sad.

Put a smile on your face, make the world a better place.

Oh yah.

If you're down in the dumps and crying your eyes out. Should listen to that song and smile. Then think about how ridiculous you look. Smiling and crying.

-

Because i have more anger stored in me than she does, but i learned to let it go. Let it go, and forget it. Because its not worth it to hold onto that anger. Just isn't.

Day 17: Polka dots

Skipped two days, couldnt think of anything to write about.

______

Dear girl from preschool,

I remember way back then in preschool, every now and then we would have these days where we just play. Well i mean, thats all you did in preschool really ._. Well the place actually set up game booths and a little kiddie pool. You know, those inflatable pools!

I don't remember much. Either i was new or didn't know that i was able to splash around, but i didn't bring a swimsuit. This girl, i don't even remember her name. I just remember she was a little taller than me and had curly hair. So friendly. Girl, gave me her swimsuit!! It was black and polka dotted, with ruffled sleeve things. the back had two big holes so if i were to tan id have two circles on my back. I remember asking her what she would use, and she had another one...but she let me have her bathing suit.

So dear girl from preschool, thanks for he bathing suit. You probably hella made my day since you gave the opportunity to go splash around in the kiddie pool. ♥

July 5th

Went to the beach yesterday. I drove all the way up to Santa Cruz, and holy cow driving that long in traffic is a pain in the butt. At least now i know i'm capable of being able to drive there! (:

Hella last minute planning with my sister, her daughter and Lisa.

To our surprise though, hella people were bouta head up there too. Went to seabright, drove for bout three hours.

Saw Micko & his cousin. And then later met up with hella other people. It was such a nice experience, watching fireworks on the beach. Too bad it was hella cold.

___________________

Took a break from my whole not sitting in front of my laptop all day thing to come and blog. Haha. I just finished mixing up some batter for cupcakes with Lena. She hella wanted to make cupcakes for hella days now. Finally thought i would help her with it today. (: I'm so excited to eat 'em. I have a crazy sweet tooth right now.

Washed my car today. Its hella fucking clean, and i'm so proud. Teeheee. :D

I need to find more things to keep me active and out of my room more often.

Lost

I think at this point, i can now say that withing less than a year i lost two people that have really mattered to me. Today is the day i finally realized that its a point of no return.

You can't recapture a moment you once had. It'll just never be the same once its gone. So is there even any point of trying to regain it?

At first i had a really strong feeling that it was possible, but then knowing that in their mind it has also ended...it's really done. There isn't much i can do. I seem to always try to hard, but never succeed.

Maybe i'll try again. You can never have enough patience. Who knows, huh.

I'll just have some hope.

Sorry.

Sometimes people don't understand what dealing with my mother is like.

People tell me, it shouldn't be that hard to get my mom to accept the things i do.

I remember someone would always tell me;

You're not trying to hangout with me. You're not trying at all.

& i respond saying - i am trying, you just don't understand...

and they just kept insisting how much i'm not trying at all. But i was. They just really didn't understand. My mom isn't like anyone else's mom. She's not at all easy going. I mean, every parent is different. You can't just assume that it's that easy.

Going out is nothing. I know what my mom is like, how she gets when i go out or do something. So i try not making her angry and i sit at home. I may hella care how i'm always sitting at home and doing nothing, but i can just be like that. I've been sitting at home doing nothing most of my life, i can deal with it. Going out every now and then is just the best it'll get for me. The most fun i get to have is mostly when i go out with my sister or go to school. Only now and then i get to go out and have fun.

People complain. C'mon Kathy, it's summer! You're never out.

Cause i just can't. My mom might have not said it. but I know it.

My mom doesn't understand. She never will. I can't talk to her about how "its summer, let me enjoy it." or "i'm young. i'm at the point where i can't just sit at home doing nothing" She doesn't understand. Even if i tell her i'm with a friend that she could trust. There isnt any trust at all anywhere. Not for me. As long as i'm still her daughter, i wont be trusted. People need to stop telling me to make her understand, i don't know how else i can have her understand. I try to have her understand, and i get yelled at.

People wonder what i do. People wonder how much i go out. Its not that much really. You want to know what my life really actually consists of everyday after school? Summer school, regular school. I come home, clean, eat, and fall asleep. I fall asleep till the sun comes down wake up and have dinner and go back to bed when its bedtime. Do you sound how pathetic that is?

So every evening i go over to my sisters and sleep there. Because so far thats one of the only ways i really can go out without getting held back. And sometimes people tell me i go there all the time. I have a reason. It doesn't make a difference if i'm at home. If i'm at home, i'll still be at home. Except i'll be be at home bored to death.

I came home today after summer school at 4. I was out for three hours. I don't know if thats considered a long time or what. I haven't been out in two weeks. Well since last Monday. I came home and my mom yelled at me. Saying shit like she always days. Previous to today, i was told to get my ass out of the house by my friends. I keep telling them i can't. I can't! I don't want to get yelled at. I really don't.

I say its not fair. I don't want to sound like a brat but i find it unfair. Unfair that all the time as i'm out trying to enjoy myself, my mom is yelling at me through the phone telling me to get my ass home. Only my mother would do that. I have to sit there in front of everyone and pretend that my mom isn't really mad at me so i don't worry anyone. So i don't have to stop other people from enjoying their time just to take my poor ass home. Another reason i stay home is so i don't have to rush people into taking me home at such short notice

I really feel like such a brat for complaining so much, and i'm sorry. I never make anyone read my rants. Its all on you. & so i'm done, cause i realized i'm being dumb.

Remember me

I was thinking about this movie with Robert Pattison (Sp?) never thought he was a good actor. He isn't really, no offense to those who think otherwise. This movie was kind of boring. But it just ended...and i'm glad i stuck it through and watched the whole thing. The ending is just amazing. So unexpected.

I cried.

Day 14: Drifted apart

The drift was originally because of my lack of effort to respond to texts, and not show up to class.

At least that's what i think. The one time i got too caught up with my life, i didn't include her too much into it. She told me that she's now used to it. Used to not seeing me, used to not talking to me every single day. I sure do regret it, but i didn't think much would change. Its funny because i was just caught up with prom. Hm...when i was finally done and wanted to see her, she was then caught up wish her own life & left me out of it. Now i feel like we've just drifted apart. I try to talk to her, and see her but it just doesn't really seem to work out. This is a friendship i don't want to see end. So i'm still going to make an effort. Because she's worth it.

Day 13: & i'm done asking.

Dear the one i wish would forgive me,

Really, there is nothing more i can say. If you forgive me, i think i would cry. My mind would be full of confusion, it would just be clouded and i wouldn't know what to think. I probably have gave you a great deal of pain, but the hurt i caused you probably doesn't compare to the amount of pain you have caused me. Enough of that though. Because if you were ever to know how i really felt and what i was thinking, i have a big feeling you're just going to laugh at it and push it aside saying "idgaf". Let me tell you though. You're a great person, and i love you still...

If there was anything i would want to tell you, it would be to let you know that my life has became less unhappy ever since. I guess that's a good punishment, isn't it?

Debby Downer

Lately, i've been putting myself down a lot more than i like. I don't understand why i do it.

I'm letting my negativity take over.

the smiley face

parenthesis, colon. (:

To me, the smiley face is more like a friendly gesture. To make the mood right. In the case that the moment may seem rocky, the smiley face can ease everything out.

It shows emotion. Happiness.

But then other people also include the smiley face as flirting. I guess i can see where people come from. But not every smiley face means that the person's tryna flirt. Don't know why sometimes people just trip balls over a simple smiley face.

imo.

Day 12: Hm.

I don't really hate anyone necessarily. If anything, i may only despise them for hating me. Either that, or because they pushed the wrong buttons. Heh.

Right now, i can think of about 2 and a half people who have caused me some pain. Half because, this person only caused me pain because i basically brought it upon myself.

Actually, the people who have ever caused me pain was because of my own faults also. I guess i can't exactly blame them entirely for anything at all. In the end, maybe i just deserved it.

Its hard to really put words together to say what i feel.

In my head, part of it is your fault too -- and this is to all 2 and a half of them --

I'm not upset. But you definitely think that it's my fault, so maybe it's not my place to say "i'm not upset". However, i do say this as some sort of peace offering. Something like that. To let you know, that i wont be a bitch about anything. I put it all aside...and now i'm just full of hurt.

Eh. Well, i want them to know that i wish that everything can be put aside. I wish that we can communicate. Well that goes to one person...

To the other, we'll youre just a jerk. If you were to come see me and ask for my forgiveness i would just say screw you. Sigh.

And to the half. I have nothing to say.

Maybe just...although i made hella mistakes, maybe you could be the bigger person, and you are, and just be nice. Don't have to be so mean about everything. -_-

Day 11: Deceased

1. Marilyn Monroe

I actually know nothing about her. I just know that she was an icon back in the...what? 50s? Not sure. Hot babe. Yah that's right. I want to meet her, to get to know her. To know her ways. How come she is so loved. How come she said so many meaningful things that her words are now quoted. I mean not just cause she was famous and it came out of her mouth. But because, the words she said...well i'm being redundant, they're just meaningful somehow, someway.

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. - Marilyn Monroe

2. My mother's mom.

Simply because she's my mother's mom. The last time i saw her, i believe i was 5 years old. My only memory of her is when i went to Vietnam 12 years ago and she gave me a hair cut. A boy hair cut. Well not really but my hair was really short. My second memory i had that included her, was visiting her grave and bawling my eyes out for this woman that i think i only met once in my life. At least once, and i have some sort of memory of her. I bet she was an amazing woman.

Hm...i miss my family in Vietnam. I wish they were all here.

Day 10: Happy Father's Day

Previously, i said something about my dad. How i don't exactly know him, how i want to meet the person that he is. I don't think that anyone really knows what kind of man he actually is. I feel like the family kind of underestimates what he is capable of.

Basically all i know about my father is that he's in a shit load of stress, loves his wife, anti communist, and cares for everyone a lot. And everyone being people of the outside world. I'm sure he cares for the family as well, and i don't want to talk bad about my father...but that's just what i know. And see, thats what i'm trying to get at here...trying to figure out what's up with this man. What is behind all this?

He's a man full of mysterious. I always wonder what he's feeling inside & what he is thinking. What is he thinking about the world and his kids. I barely even see him though. I would see him in the morning before i go to school and say bye, he would reply telling me "Goodluck!" -- he would always say that, ever since i was little. Goodluck at school. -- and then i would probably see him in the evening at night & i would greet him and he would say "Hi". I can't exactly get much out of him. The only time he really as anything to say to me is when he's talking to me about life. When he does, it's pretty interesting.

I knew him more as a child than i do now. I guess because as a child i was more active. I did more. And you know how usually the dad would teach you how to do everything? I guess during my learning process of everything, thats when i knew him most. I was close to him. He took care of me, held my hand and talked to me. Helped me draw. Make pretty things. It was amazing.

He is such an artist. Such a creative mind he has. I totally forgot about what he can do. I remember every year in elementry school, on St. Patricks day, there would be a hat contest. He would help me the night before. Make the coolest hat ever. I honestly thought it was so cool. And really, it was. Wow. Glitter and clovers. Tehee...my hat made other kid's hats look like nothing. :p

He's a very smart man. He would always help me with my homework, then again what father wouldn't? His favorite subject was math. He was really good with numbers and that was something he loved to help me with. I thought it was kind of annoying. Whenever i would ask him to help me with math homework when i was younger, he ended up sitting there with me and watch me do it. Do all of my homework, making sure everything was correct. I didn't like all the pressure that it gave me, so i soon stopped asking him for math help.

Its hard to talk to him. There isn't much to say. There isn't much to say that i would think he could understand. What is there for me to talk to him about anyways? Yah, its hard. And its very sad that over these years, i seemed to have lost connection with my dad. What scares me the most is that i'm not even sure if i can ever get it back. Because i don't understand him, he doesn't understand me.

Sad that, he spent years raising me and now i'm basically gone. Well i might as well be right? I'm his daughter, i live under his roof and he doesn't even know me.

I wonder if he's ever jealous that i communicate with my mother so much more.

And then i wonder, is he even happy? -- Yah, i think that about my folks a lot. -_-

If there is anyone out there in the world that i wish i could talk to more, it would be my dad.

Happy Father's Day.

Or late father's day.

Day 9: I want to meet

I wish i could meet the person that people hide from the world. Because everyone always seems to not let themselves go fully and be themselves. Be the person that they really are. They weird quirky person that does weird things when no one is looking.

The person that is more than just the eye can see.

I wish i can meet my dad. Its funny to say, because i live with my dad. I see him almost every day. But the thing is...i don't even know him. I haven't exactly met him. -- probably more to come in the next post or so.

I want to meet his girl. She's a great person and all, but i know that there is more to her. All i see is this happy girl. Happy and joyful. But then there's something in her, thats not out. I feel like its because she has this guard up, and she doesn't really let people see her true emotions. However, it would just be nice to see some more out of her. But its a good thing, that she's strong the way that she is.

Sometimes you don't really get to meet a person's true self, till they feel completely comfortable. Enough for them to feel like its okay to peel off their outter layer and reveal their true selves. Who they really are and so much more. Because sometimes people are afraid. I don't blame them. I wish i could be the assuring friend.

If you were to get to know me. It would take a while. Not sure who long...but it might just take a while to get me to be completely comfortable, to show you my true self. I mean this is me! But there's more to it, and nobody knows.

Day 8: In ter net

Cyber Buddy from Cyber space. Hello. Hmm...

So you're thousands of miles away. Actually i have no idea exactly where you're from.

Stranger to me, yet i talk to you. How odd.

Not a creeper though right...

Eh. People from the internet. Can't trust them can you...?

bt.

Day 7: Little fucker.

I find it unbelievable that you would think so lowly of me the way you do. You say you fucking believe me, but i can hear the doubtfulness in your words. You are ridiculous . Who the hell do you think i am? Actually, what kind of girl do you think i am? Obviously some type of hoe. Are you kidding me here.

I can't believe you would even doubt me like that. You know me. Even though i might have changed a little in your perspective...you still know me. Really now, i am better than that. You know me, and you have been with me. I guess if you seriously believe what you believe then, congratulations, you dated a slut. Fuck you -________-

Its angers me, because you have always thought so lowly of me, and you continue to do so.
Fine, whatever. Believe what you want. Because i know what i'm like.

Don't need to prove anything to you. I thought we were over all this.

So at first i wasn't sure what to write about for this day. Or who to write about because it said "ex,love or crush". Till this came along.

I don't like being upset.

I need to study.

Vocabulary? Alright thenn. My studying helper is gone right now. So i'm going to do this on my own. Prepare for a bunch of nonsense. This will be published. Oh boy!

Staid: fixed, settled or permanent. - Sounds like "stay". To stay somewhere, you are in a "fixed" position. Right? Something like that...close. Use that in a sentence...

Nobility: class of high rank/ important - Uh...Noble prize. > Important. Yah? Yup. Nice.

*Spectroscopic: Optical device for producing and observing a spectrum of light./Optical illusion. - So i guess a spectrum has something to do with light. If i can remember that, maybe i'll remember the definition to this.

Contralto: Lowest female voice/ voice part between soprano and tenor. - Whaaat? Well...lowest female voice. Think "low". > "Contra" is like contradict, "alto" would be tall in spanish. So...contradicting tall would be short. Short is like low. Hows that?

*Vacuous: Empty. - Well this is a hard one. I'm just imagining a vacuum emptying a room in a picture. You know, like sucking up the whole image. Well...it makes sense im my mind. How do i use this in a sentence?

*Provocation: Something that incites/ instigates. - To provoke? Or what....


___________________i keep getting distracted..._________

*Corpulent: large or bulky/ BIG FAT? - Great....Hm

*Sauterne: Semi sweet whine. - Whaaaat?? Well i checked the definition again and it said something about "dessert whine".

This is hopeless.
Look at all my *. :l

Jauntily: Well kept, fashionable. Or Happily? - Ms. Wong said happily. That is nothing close to what i got. I don't understand.

UGh. -__-

Florid: Reddish, ruddy, rosy. Or something flowers. - Florid, floral, flowers, flowery. Yahh.

Malevolence: State of being ill will. - Wthell is "ill will" though anyway...Oh, hostile. Hm. Well sometimes "males" can be pretty violent, making them hostile. Hostile men. Or...Violent males?

Vinous: Containing wine. - Vinous like vineyard. Vineyard = winery.

Deplore: To regret deeply; express grief. - I'm thinking about deport. Like deporting someone. And for some reason i'm thinking about someone getting sent off to war. In result you'll be sad. Thats the best i got for this...

*Apparition: supernatural appearance of something. - O_O Ghosts. nhrdsf.gfsgds. Uhm...suppernatural? I have nothing for this.

*Subterfuges: Evade a rule; dodge -

Im screwed. -__________-

45 words to remember. + the final itself. Goodluck to me.