You wonder why most of the time when i blog, it's when i'm in a saddened state of mind. Or i'm troubled, or thinking deeply about situations.
My english professor said this (something along these lines): "In this class you'll notice that a lot of the stories we read are troublesome, dark, and sad. I've had many students ask me why that is so. Well when you're sad, all you want to do is sit and mope around maybe. But when you're happy, you'll want to go out and enjoy life not sit at home on your computer writing."
Something like that. Made enough sense to me. You get what i was trying to say right? Because when my teacher said it, he made it flow a lot better then when i tried to quote him...
Which is why in 2009, i wrote the most. My "saddened" days.
Plus you just have better things to say when you're down in the dumps, complaining about something. For me at least. When i'm happy, everything i say may come as redundant.
Monday, September 17, 2012
I'm lost
I think i have fallen deep. I've never wanted to be one of those people who when they get into a relationship, they cut off the connections they've had with their friends. I don't want to admit it, but i guess this is me admitting that i think i may have done that.
I feel like i've fallen too deep now though, where i don't know how to pick myself up and be friends again with those that have been forgotten. I feel guilty, i feel embarrassed that this had happened.
I'm not complaining about my relationship, i'm not doubting my happiness in the relationship...but i think i may have lost myself a little a long the way. I don't quite know what has happened. I consumed myself too much into this, but now i don't know how to get myself out. No, i don't mean out of the relationship, just out of this empty hole. I don't know how to get out.
I've lost myself along the way. I've forgotten to put myself first. I've forgotten about my own happiness. See the thing is, when you're in a relationship you need to be willing to make sacrifices. Except i think that i was so willing to sacrifice so much that i've just sacrificed myself completely.
Okay i wont go here.
Okay i wont hang out with them.
Alright, i wont go to that party.
I can't talk to that person.
Yes, yes, i don't want to upset you.
It's not his fault. It's my fault that i've allowed this to happen. That i haven't stood up for myself. But in my mind i just feel like all this petty stuff, i don't need it. I don't need to go to parties. I don't need to hang out with people that may be harmful to my relationship. I don't need to talk to people that want to allegedly sleep with me. Small things that have been asked of me, i agree to because if i don't need it and it'll make him happy then it's totally fine.
Have i lost sight of what's acceptable? Do i think that this is healthy, the way that i am? I tell myself, what is so bad about being in love? What is so bad about making him the number one priority in my life. What is wrong with giving him 110% of my all...everything.
Not to make this sound all about me...which i mean it is. But what about me. What about making myself happy first. What about going to hang out with whoever i wanted because that'll make me happy. What about going out once in a while and drinking with good company because that's what i want to do. How about catching up with old friends because at one point in my life i used to talk to them a lot.
I can never get over how in my last relationship though, i wasn't able to offer that guy even 90% of my all. I didn't want to put him first. I did whatever i wanted even though he would ask me not to. Was i happier since i cared more about myself that him and i as a couple? Sure, or maybe i just didn't care. But as a couple we weren't very strong. And here i am now, after vowing to myself that i will do everything i can to make sure my boyfriend knows i love him. I'll do it right.
But what is "right" to do in a relationship anyways? My problem right now is that i don't exactly know ow to balance it out perfectly. Since my boyfriend isn't so thrilled by the way i am with him, how can i balance things out. I tried once, but that made me bitter. I don't know. Like i said, i've lost myself.
Honestly, i feel that in my next relationship (assuming there will be one) ill be back at square one. Doing things for myself, doing things because i want to. But maybe it's not me. Maybe it's the people i'm with...the ones that want to tell me what i can and can not do. So i have to choose, do i listen to what they want or do i just do what i want?
I've lost myself, and i don't know how to find myself again...
Wish me luck
♥
I feel like i've fallen too deep now though, where i don't know how to pick myself up and be friends again with those that have been forgotten. I feel guilty, i feel embarrassed that this had happened.
I'm not complaining about my relationship, i'm not doubting my happiness in the relationship...but i think i may have lost myself a little a long the way. I don't quite know what has happened. I consumed myself too much into this, but now i don't know how to get myself out. No, i don't mean out of the relationship, just out of this empty hole. I don't know how to get out.
I've lost myself along the way. I've forgotten to put myself first. I've forgotten about my own happiness. See the thing is, when you're in a relationship you need to be willing to make sacrifices. Except i think that i was so willing to sacrifice so much that i've just sacrificed myself completely.
Okay i wont go here.
Okay i wont hang out with them.
Alright, i wont go to that party.
I can't talk to that person.
Yes, yes, i don't want to upset you.
It's not his fault. It's my fault that i've allowed this to happen. That i haven't stood up for myself. But in my mind i just feel like all this petty stuff, i don't need it. I don't need to go to parties. I don't need to hang out with people that may be harmful to my relationship. I don't need to talk to people that want to allegedly sleep with me. Small things that have been asked of me, i agree to because if i don't need it and it'll make him happy then it's totally fine.
Have i lost sight of what's acceptable? Do i think that this is healthy, the way that i am? I tell myself, what is so bad about being in love? What is so bad about making him the number one priority in my life. What is wrong with giving him 110% of my all...everything.
Not to make this sound all about me...which i mean it is. But what about me. What about making myself happy first. What about going to hang out with whoever i wanted because that'll make me happy. What about going out once in a while and drinking with good company because that's what i want to do. How about catching up with old friends because at one point in my life i used to talk to them a lot.
I can never get over how in my last relationship though, i wasn't able to offer that guy even 90% of my all. I didn't want to put him first. I did whatever i wanted even though he would ask me not to. Was i happier since i cared more about myself that him and i as a couple? Sure, or maybe i just didn't care. But as a couple we weren't very strong. And here i am now, after vowing to myself that i will do everything i can to make sure my boyfriend knows i love him. I'll do it right.
But what is "right" to do in a relationship anyways? My problem right now is that i don't exactly know ow to balance it out perfectly. Since my boyfriend isn't so thrilled by the way i am with him, how can i balance things out. I tried once, but that made me bitter. I don't know. Like i said, i've lost myself.
Honestly, i feel that in my next relationship (assuming there will be one) ill be back at square one. Doing things for myself, doing things because i want to. But maybe it's not me. Maybe it's the people i'm with...the ones that want to tell me what i can and can not do. So i have to choose, do i listen to what they want or do i just do what i want?
I've lost myself, and i don't know how to find myself again...
Wish me luck
♥
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Ignorance
My question is do people purposely talk in a way so they'll come off ignorant? It's kind of silly actually, but maybe that's just me.
Especially now that we're older (assuming you're 18 +), i'd expect us to be over the stage of typing out our words like we're dumbasses. Or even typing grammatically incorrect. I'm not saying common grammar mistakes or spelling errors, but in a way that it just comes off as uneducated.
But you remember back then when many people would type out words such as the word "at" would be "aht" or "me" would me "meeh" (how does "meeh" even come to mean "me" anyways...) and so on and so forth. That's what i'm talking about.
Depending on from where you are from or who you surrounded yourself with, your choice of typological slang differs. So everyone probably just has a different way to spell out their slang. Which can become very confusing for those who have no idea what each word means, so when reading it would just result in, "what the hell are you saying.."
Well my point it, at this age i'd expect us to be over that stage and talk with more dignity. After all we are living in a country of opportunity, where we spent years and years in school learning how to write and speak properly. Why throw it down the drain to make it sound like you haven't spent a day of your life in school?
Then again, maybe it's really just me. I'm not so bothered by this topic. It's whatever, people can freely type and speak their words however they please. As long as i understand, then it's good.
Especially now that we're older (assuming you're 18 +), i'd expect us to be over the stage of typing out our words like we're dumbasses. Or even typing grammatically incorrect. I'm not saying common grammar mistakes or spelling errors, but in a way that it just comes off as uneducated.
But you remember back then when many people would type out words such as the word "at" would be "aht" or "me" would me "meeh" (how does "meeh" even come to mean "me" anyways...) and so on and so forth. That's what i'm talking about.
Depending on from where you are from or who you surrounded yourself with, your choice of typological slang differs. So everyone probably just has a different way to spell out their slang. Which can become very confusing for those who have no idea what each word means, so when reading it would just result in, "what the hell are you saying.."
Well my point it, at this age i'd expect us to be over that stage and talk with more dignity. After all we are living in a country of opportunity, where we spent years and years in school learning how to write and speak properly. Why throw it down the drain to make it sound like you haven't spent a day of your life in school?
Then again, maybe it's really just me. I'm not so bothered by this topic. It's whatever, people can freely type and speak their words however they please. As long as i understand, then it's good.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Identity 2012
August 17, 2012
I never wrote about my experience at the Identity Festival! First time ever going to anything like this, and it was such an amazing experience, more so for the music and atmosphere than anything else...then again that's the type of experience one should be embracing.
Excuse my outfit. Well all in all i had a great birthday celebrating it at the concert/music festival. Long day and night of dancing and enjoying the music, ended the night viewing the city lights on top of the world with my boyfriend. Definitely not a night i will forget.
♥
I never wrote about my experience at the Identity Festival! First time ever going to anything like this, and it was such an amazing experience, more so for the music and atmosphere than anything else...then again that's the type of experience one should be embracing.
♥
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
She Reached Out
Today, someone from high school messaged me. Someone that i never even thought of, never imagined talking to again, and never really talked to in the first place. It was surprising to see a message from her, at first i thought that maybe it would have been spam. I was in awe, i actually read it over twice just to soak it in.
It's surprising to know that she connected with me in some ways, and actually read my tumblr posts. I didn't really think that people i didn't ever associate myself with actually cared about anything i had to say. I wrote a post when i first moved back to San Jose about making friends and all, and i think she's trying to reach out to me and build a friendship with me. I'm not entirely sure though. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside that she took the time to message me though and say the things she said.
And to top it off, she said she likes my style of writing! I've heard people tell me they read my posts and all of that, but i don't recall anyone ever telling me that they like the way i write. Which makes me super ecstatic!
♥
It's surprising to know that she connected with me in some ways, and actually read my tumblr posts. I didn't really think that people i didn't ever associate myself with actually cared about anything i had to say. I wrote a post when i first moved back to San Jose about making friends and all, and i think she's trying to reach out to me and build a friendship with me. I'm not entirely sure though. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside that she took the time to message me though and say the things she said.
And to top it off, she said she likes my style of writing! I've heard people tell me they read my posts and all of that, but i don't recall anyone ever telling me that they like the way i write. Which makes me super ecstatic!
♥
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