Where is my mind at...

I don't know what i'm thinking sometimes...or where the hell my head is at, cause sometimes things just happen and i don't even realize because my minds at a daze.

Sometimes my mind drifts off, and i don't pay attention making me totally unaware of what it is i'm doing. Gotta break that, but don't know how.

I'm glad i'm fucking alive right now, goddamn. I was on my way back from lunch at the red light on washington, near safeway. I stopped at the red light and was complaining about my cramps. Gosh was it hurting. I looked into my side mirror and saw Kelsesy behind me and i was like "oh hey, thats Kelsey" And all of a sudden i let go of a my break and started driving...so un aware that my light didn't even turn green! It took me a while to realize after i wondered "why the hell are these cars going ._." that i actually realized that my light didn't even turn green yet!

No one even honked at me...and this lady let me drive through. Gosh it kind of feels unreal now that i think of it. I really need t keep my mind straight while i drive. Totally caught a break there. Hopefully there aren't no cameras there...and if there arent then THANK GOODNESS, and thank goodness i didn't get pulled over or killed.

When i finally realized that i drove past a red light, i hear sirens and it scared the crap out of me, turns out it was just an ambulance. Fuck. :l

boom

Some guys tend to leave some room for a second choice.

This girl is the girl that he possibly does care about. He will do nice things for her and talk to her often...or maybe from time to time. She's a nice girl and enjoyable to be around, if anything. However feelings for her isn't anything serious at all. She's just the girl to keep in the back of his mind and at times he'll think about her, and maybe the though will make him smile...maybe not. She's something though. Just something about it, but really she's nothing. Feelings will never accumulate and she is not something potential.

Gets her mind twisted and she wonders where they stand. In the end she realized that she was probably hung over like no other, and ended up wasting her time. To finally realize that she isn't really something, and she really isn't enjoyable to be around. Reality hits her a little and she figures that well...of course she isn't someone he'd want because she's boring and hard to talk to. She was just in her own fantasy world thinking things were okay. All along though, she did always have this doubt that it is probably just too good to be true, so it doesn't really matter anyways. Thanks to the walls she hopefully built up for herself, she isn't so hurt to find out that he has moved on to better things.

At least we hope its better things/people. Because it sure would suck to discover that he gave up on her for a shadyass person. -- or maybe even worse.

Long Day

Today felt like it went on forever.

I'll just break it down into time frames...

5:00 AM - Woke up, picked up Lisa and got some breakfast @ Mcdonalds.

> Did you know the Mcdonalds' fries aren't vegetarian? They fry the fries in beef oil. o:

6:00 AM - Went to Mission Peak and started hiking.

> This is my second time hiking it, and it wasn't as bad as the first time. I didn't complain as much haha. But the hike up the thing itself didn't even seem that long.

8:30 AM - Got to the top!

> There were actually a lot of people hiking today. On my way up i saw this cute guy. :p He's probably way older than me though. He laughed at me because i almost fell...he was sitting on a rock resting. Well i mean i actually don't really know if he's cute because i only took a glimpse at him. But from what i saw, it looked cute. Just saying. I was so surprised that when i got up there it was only 8. Then again the last time i went we got up there kind of late.

9:30 AM - Started going down.

> Kind of ran down it most of the time, or walked real fast.

10:00 AM - Got down. ( I think it was 10 )

> Wow after a long ass walk/hike, my feet felt sooo relieved when i took my shoes off. Drove bear foot. :)

Kay well after that i stopped checking the time but I went to KFC with Micko and Lisa. I didn't have much money on me so i got a combo meal. KFC ripped me off though. Gave me tiny tiny chickens. Then hopped over to Sonics for ice cream. :p

We went over to Micko's place to go swimming. Gosh was i tired. I just wanted to rest. Around this time, it was probably 11 AM. We waited for Micko's cousins to come by. They left us to go eat at their own places. Took them hella days to finally come through to the pool. I fell asleep under the sun for a little bit and felt like i was on fire. The guys finally came at around 3. Waited hella days in the sun for them, i got pretty tan today.

Went home, showered and then went to SPC to pick up shirts for Lena. Didn't even have her size. Figured that i'll just give her my shirt...so kind of wasted my time going down there today. -_- However since i was in San Jose, i hit up Trung and met him up. We washed my car, so now it's super clean and im happy.

Shoot i was hella tired after that...almost fell over. All my energy was almost gone. I was like...a phone running super low on battery. But then i manned up and went to PCtap and posted it for a bit. Then i went home around 9pm.

The day felt super long. Shit i'm super tired now but i just had to write about this.

Kay night.

Battery life: 0% -- Shutting Down.

& i forgot to eat dinner. :[

Hospital Food

Hospital food is yucky. Well probably not yucky it just looks like it is. You would that since we're paying so much to get checked up and to even stay there over night, the hospital would give us either a bigger portion or better looking food.

Well i went in there to visit my father. The food lady came in with a tray of food. Prepared it all cute and stuff. On a tray with the little cap on it. My dad was like the food here, they make it so good! You should try some. Then he opens up the lid of the food tray and sitting there is this poor excuse for a meal. Oh gosh i was like damn. I mean it smelled nice though. They gave him a small portion of mashed potatoes and meat. On the side was a small plate of cucumbers, one celery stick, two baby tomatoes and broccoli.

Surprisingly that filled him up. Haha.

ER

I was rudely awakened this morning by my father to find out that i needed to take him to the hospital. Usually on any other day if he came in to my room to disturb me from my sleep i would continue just laying there trying to sleep for a few more minutes before waking up...but then i hella shot up super fast and got out of bed when he told me he needed to go to the hospital.

Kind of scary hearing that he needed to go. Well its nothing serious, he's just sick. Currently trying to see if it is anything we really need to be worried about and hopefully it isn't.

But this is probably the first time i ever been to the hospital. I mean i've been there before, once when i was little for my sister but not like i remember, so i don't count it. Well i was just sitting in the emergency room. Didn't realize how small that room is. There were hella sick people in there though. Sick people, people who are hurt.

There was this guy who was there cause his friend was bouta get into a fight with some guy and the other guy was bouta stab him so he jumped in to like help him and he got stabbed himself. Daaamn. True friend right? Shoot. It was just his hand though, so i guess he tried to stop the guy with his hand. It was nonstop bleeding. The gave him a bucket to let it all drip into there....

Then there was this homeless guy there. I suppose that he was hella sick. They placed him in a wheel chair and he was sitting in the waiting room. Gosh did he stink up the place...everyone in there went and grabbed one of those mask things to put over their face. Sure was suffocating. Poor guy though, apparently he came in earlier before i got there with my dad and then he left to walk home but he couldnt walk home cause he was shaking to much, and i believe that either he walked back...or the Paramedics found him on the streets. Not sure cause the people were talking about it. Anyways, the police are going to take him to jail so he can stay there till he gets better. Thats what the lady that was taking his vital signs said. I just over heard all of this.

Really trying to get an internship somewhere soon. Hopefully i can and it wouldnt interfere with work too much. It would be so nice to have the job experience. Too bad i had the opportunity to do so, but lost it.

Always empty

I don't got to say nothing, she already knows

All the girls here shes the only one that glows.

Just got my senior portaits. I don't know if i want to take retakes or not, because i have a feeling that it might just turn out the same and i just wont ever really be satisfied. But then i think maybe i just will because i was really unfomfortable with my shirt falling down and all. Also, my smile looks very very fake.

Once again i'm unhappy - i have an empty feeling inside.

So Precious

http://wimp.com/kidmath/

Just had to share it.

Showers

Every morning when i get out of bed, i have to take a shower.

I started doing this ever since Freshman year. This causes me to take more time tryna get ready in the morning. Every morning i'm on time crunch and i have to rush in doing everything, it gets annoying.

If i don't shower in the morning, i kind of just feel a little uncomfortable the rest of the day, don't know why. :/

One time i actually did try to just shower at night so i can sleep in a little more, but then the rest of the day i felt kind of icky. Weird huhhh.

The only time that would be acceptable is if i curl my hair at night or something. I think this has something to do with how i'm thinking of it. Hm...iderno

Old news

When i loose a close, good friend...its not just loosing another friend, it's like i lost a sister.

You may say that sounds...cliche or corny or whatever but its fucking true and i feel torn a little. Like somethings missing. Theres nothing i can do to patch it up anymore. Its all gone.

Sleepless night

Lately, i have bee having crazy nightmares. Most of them all consists of someone trying to or actually succeeding in killing me. It's pretty horrifying and it leaves me tossing an turning all night.

Last night was the worst of them yet. I really don't know why i have dreams of myself dying. Can anyone explain this to me? Weird! But just a dream. Good thing. Haha.

I'm so sleepy right now. :(

Happiness

I absolutely love it when just suddenly, out of no where i get filled with pure happiness. & Then i sit here looking super cheesy.

Note to Friend - Thanks for you input, and i already made up my mind that i wont let him fuck around with me. Thank you for caring because i seriously thought you didn't care anymore. Kind of made me happy knowing you do.

That's it. Bye.

The afterthoguht

I really wasn't sure what to entitle this blog post.

My thoughts are usually all the same. Pretty much this blog consists of boys, how boys make me angry, how i'm sad, parents, love...random crap.

Well anyways, it's hard to trust sometimes.

I really don't want to set my wall up so high, that no one can't get through to me...but like i really don't want to be made a fool of. One person in particular...

This person, i really don't know what he thinks of me. Everything he says is seriously like a joke to me. I don't trust him at all. He keeps trying to tell me, persuade me that he "changed" or things a different, he's really serious this time. He tries guilt tripping me saying crap like wow you don't even care, youre so mean. Well i mean that doesn't really guilt me into giving in, its just wow....shut up will you? In the past, he's fooled me once. This time he surely isn't going to fool me once again. Fuck, i'm ashamed to say it but he did slightly get me to lower my walls. It's like...he's such a nice person but really isn't, you know? Ugh, i really don't know.

And now he tries to get at me, which i still feel is a fucking joke, all because his girl doesn't want him. So he comes to me to try and fill the void...like i'm some rebound girl.

Go away, i'm tired...

Just my luck, isn't it. All the guys i may be attracted to are jerks, the nice guys i may like are fucking weird creepos in reality.

There was probably only one guy that fit my standards just perfectly and i fucking let him go. Fml.

Sorry for wasting you time, reader.

Picking up a hobby

Hello.

It's been a while. Life just hasn't been very interesting. It has, however, been good to me though. (:

Started school yesterday. It was a drag. I have one boring ass period, which i hope to maybe transfer out of & one lightweight boring class that may hopefully get better as the year progresses.

All my other classes are chill. Lightweight...

I really wonder if it's possible to remake a friend where you left off in bad terms with. Actually, i wonder if it would even be a good idea. So many people i want to talk to again, but i'm a pussy and don't think i can do it. I don't like rejection.

So i don't know where i came up with this idea, but i want to start playing the piano again. I just want to have something to do with my life. You know, so i'm not sitting around doing nothing all the time. The piano makes such beautiful music & i feel like it could really bring me joy. Lol i sound hella fruity. Well i asked my mom to help me find classes so i can take them. Hopefully i don't forget and actually follow through. I want to keep myself busy some how, just to keep my mind off things i shouldn't be thinking about.

I also want to maybe...look into ballet. Haha. But that is really just a thought. I don't think i'll really start twirling around in a tu-tu.