Alone

I've changed a lot over the years, in many aspects. I'm always surprising myself somehow, whether it's good or bad. A lot of my actions are questionable, and i wonder how much more i can grow from where i am today.

They say that you need to truly be at peace with yourself till you can truly be happy in your own skin. You need to accept how it is to truly be alone -- to be happy and alone -- otherwise you will always find yourself depending on someone else as a source of happiness.

I am happy with life, for the most part. In that case, "for the most part", am i really truly happy. Perhaps i haven't yet truly learned what it's like to be absolutely alone in purely the presence of myself. If i really think about it, i'm never really alone. There will always be someone there to text, a couple clicks away. Just to keep me company when i am alone.

Come to think of it, i don't think i know how to be alone. I get bored. I get lonely. And i just don't know what to do with myself. What do people do when they're enjoying their own company? I'm not that enjoyable for others to be around...i'm awkward.

Maybe these are the types of revelations i need to have with myself to really understand who i am as a person.

This blog post actually did not go in the direction that i had originally planned. I started off thinking that i am happy. I mean i AM happy. After pondering my thoughts, i feel like there's more i need to learn about myself. More ways i need to grow.

And once you think that you've had it all figured out, you really don't.

Toodles ~

Pills

So, ive been on birth control since i was 17 years old. Ive been ingesting the same type ever since, just because the physicians at planned parenthood felt that if i wasnt having any problems with what i was taking, there wasnt really a need to try different estrogen dosages or whatever it is thats in those things to help prevent pregnancies.

The problem was that i didnt know that the pills were effecting me negatively at all. There are all different types of side effects that you generally hear about from other females that are on birth control. There are so many different types of pills out there, and everyone's bodies react differently so you never really know what type of side effect you could possibly get from your birth control. We just all hope and pray that it doesnt get us pregnant, and as long as thats the case then we sit back, relax, and take the side effects as it comes. 

Most common side effects that we hear are that it makes you more moody and/or you can add a couple pounds. Some ppeople are blessed and get bigger boobs or a nice ass - basically the fat goes in the right places. Then some people just get round all over. 

I was definitely a moody one - real, real moody. But i figured that it was just a regular sise effect because thats what i heard happens. So i took it as a normal thung, and that its nothing to really fuss about. No big deal, as long as i dont get pregnant.

Its not like i knew the extremities of my moodiness. Eventually, i think i figured that its just me instead of thinking of kt as a side effect of the pill. I had all type of emotions. A lot of sadness, anger, short tempers, etc. 

When my ex and i broke up whenever ago, i still continued to take the pill for "just in case, you never know" reasons. There was that point in time where i felt like i had some slight depression for whatever reason. (If youve kept up with my writing from during that time, im shre youd know.) 

It wasnt till the beginning of this year, when i stopped dating and was due to go get a refill on my birth control, that i stopped taking the birth control that ive been taking since i was seventeen. I got lazy and didnt want to go back to the doctors for it, especially since i wasnt actually "getting any" anyways. So, i was off the pill. 

Coincidentally, my outlook on life changed. As though the light in my life has fibally turned on. I felt as though  i was in a really good place in my life and i couldnt be happier about it. I figured that maybe  it was because i was single and am finding myself again. I told people that im just happier single, and i like the way things are. 

However, unfortunately, i did get the perk of getting nicer boobs while i was on the pill, so getting off of it i believe that my boobs have gotten smaller. Im still unsure if its from no longer being on the pill or be cause ive been rigorously working out more so ive lost boob fat. Well regardless, i just decided that maybe i could go back on the pill in hopes that my boobs would come back. Yes, its that serious. 

So, i started taking the same exact pill tbat ive been on since i was 17, again. About three weeks in, and all of a sudden i notice that im moody again. Even Lisa noticed. I felt unhappy out of no where, for no reason. I felt uneasy, unsatisfied, and completely glum. I was short tempered. Lisa and i had a discussion about it, and it hit us. ITS THE PILL. 

Dont know all too well if its in my head or what. But i rather be happy with life than be a moody ass bitch with seemingly "nicer" boobs. I stopped taking the pill, i feel okay now, for the most part im not moody. Im going to be vigilent of how my emotions are and see if that negative state of mind comes back to see if my assumption is correct.

But for the time being, im going to conclude that my depressed/emotional/crazyass bitchiness of a person all derived due a side effect of birth control.

This all could just be a ploy to try and make myself feel better and believe im actually not out of whack. But who knows, really. Lol.

Toodles!

Journal

I bought a journal a couple months ago, because at the time i thought that maybe it wouldve been nice to have one. It just sounds cool - "i have a journal in which i write my deepest thoughts". 

At this time, it was when i first started to develop some sort of sentimental feelings for some guy i was beginning to date at the time. Nothing serious, but i had just begun to let my walls down and consider him as an actual potential person for me to connect more emotionally with. 

Anyways, so i purchased this journal at barnes and noble. Spent a good fourteen bucks on it. I stood in the book store staring at a shelf of journals and seriously contemplated on which journal was the one for me. Which one would make me feel like writing in it would feel just right. So i picked "the one". Fourteen hard earned  dollars. 

Knowing the mush ball of a "lover" that i am, the first two pages i wrote in that journal of mine was about how i met this guy that i was starting to have some sort of feelings for. At the time, i thought it was going to be something that wouldve worked out. I was completely wrong about that. That encounter with the guy lasted very briefly, that i barely even want to say it like it was actually a thing. It was sure not anything worth mentioning. 

I became a little embarrassed with myself for what i wrote in the journal, that im pretty glad i never wrote about him publicly on here. Since i thought that was going to be something more an all. After those two pages, i didnt even want to open that journal anymore. To see my mushy writing about some guy who is now worthless to me. 

Ive thought about tearing out those two pages and starting anew. But then those ripped edges would be there haunting me...and id know. Lingering thoughts that were once there. 

Anyways, the thing with that guy didnt work out in the end because neither of us were really compatible for each other. I wanted a different version of him and he wanted a different version of me. Perfect example of: 1. You cant change people for your own benefit and liking; and 2. Dont settle for less than what makes you truly happy. 

Well now that fourteen dollar journal is just sitting under a pile of stuff. Dont really plan on revisting that again.

And thats all i have to say about that.

Toodles!

Beyond Wonderland 2014

Today, i tried to sneak into Beyond Wonderland. I've never even attempted to sneak into an event before. I was really skeptical about the idea of it, but people kept telling me how fool proof sneaking in was. More so...it's really all about strategy and timing -- two important aspects that i lack completely.

I did not have a plan coming forth. Walking towards the entrance, i only had time to think for a brief moment. I was freaking out, to be honest. My mind was hectic, and i felt out of my element. What was i even trying to attempt to do? This isn't me, i'm not dishonest! It was almost thrilling...

I wanted to feel the rush, excitement of actually making it.

Three check points to get through. Check my id, check my belongings, check the ticket i didn't have.

I tried to bribe a guy, he would not let me in. He was actually kind of really rude about it, but i understand. I didn't arrive with my mind set that i will get in, no matter what. There was a lot of doubt. I tried a second time using a friends ticket, which also did not work.

That's when  just about gave up. And i was by my lonesome self. My friends had tickets, so i told them to go in an have fun. I'd be able to figure out what to do.

The crowd outside of beyond, is one interesting group of people.
The schemers, the go getters, the hoodlums. I was part of that group today, wondering what the hell i was doing...feeling like a complete idiot for not buying a ticket. I didn't mind too much about not being able to get in though. It was actually sort of a cool experience, to see what the people outside of beyond were like. You never really think about them, till you are there yourself.

I don't really know what it was, but then it was nice a vibe regardless of all of our situations...

This whole experience sort of made me realize, raves are not really my thing...i think i'm over it for now.

Until next time...

Matter of Choice

What i believe is that to love and to commit is all a matter of choice -- i mean, obviously, right?

More so, in the case of getting into something new with someone. Beginning to transition from friends to more than friends, it's a scary kind of thing. We have wants and needs, and we are very eager when we begin to have even the slightest bit of interest in someone. Then it becomes some type of training exercise to test how patient you can be.

The eagerness that comes over you, is almost a frightening thing. What do you do when you become too eager; we must contain ourselves because lets be honest, it's always a game.

We must play coy, and do so in a way where we don't show that we are incredibly interested -- only just a smidge. How does one even come about doing that?

To play the game, you must have game. Is there a book out there somewhere with the guidelines and "how to"s?

Back to it being "a matter of choice"
We are at this age in our lives where it is no longer really necessary to ask, "would you be my significant other?". When two people who share mutual feelings, it should just automatically become common knowledge between the two that they are both indeed "together". Labels aren't necessary.

Of course, it doesn't hurt to have a discussion to establish where you two stand, sometimes it can be hard to distinguish. Because sometimes people just flirt and talk...but aren't really committed.

So, that's what i mean by it being a matter of choice. How do you want your relationship with another person to be? Will it be one of committed or one of play?

_______

I lost my train of thought, and focus here...Hah.
Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Where's my muse...

Don't Be a Creep 101

Welcome to: "Don't Be a Creep 101"

There are many forms of being a creep.

Creeper Status #1: Messaging a random girl through a form of social networking, and right off the bat  telling her "You're cute." Or in anything along the lines of complimenting her physical appearance.

It may seem like you're doing good by complimenting her, but majority of the time she probably will just find it superficial. I mean it's flattering that you think so, but it's a bad way to start a conversation with her. What is it that you're hoping to gain from her anyways?

Now that you've basically laid it flat on the table that you find her attractive, are you looking for something more to it? Or are there only shallow hopes? Girls do enjoy being showered with compliments, but if you're talking to a emotionally stable girl she would rather you have approached her in a more respectful manner.

Start off with a hello, and maybe withhold telling her she is cute. Maybe instead, be more subtle about how cute you think she is. At the very least, at least make it seem like you're interested in knowing about her and whats going on in her mind instead of making it seem like it's all about the looks.

Just my 2 cents.
All females react differently.

A-K

It's not that her life has been fulfilled with excitement. If she had a bucket list, she definitely hasn't yet checked off more than half of what's listed -- she probably doesn't even have more than 20% of any of it checked off. She lives her life day by day, and she's completely afraid of what the future holds for her; so she just doesn't really think much of it. They say to live for tomorrow, but then today isn't tomorrow. So, you live for today and hope for tomorrow. It's not like she is impoverished though, she's living a pleasant life for the most part. She's very blessed, so there's no living day to day scared of not being able to make it to the next. She never has to use her A-K, so everyday is practically a good day.

What is this all about? She isn't afraid of death. A lot of people can say that they've lived a good life, so it's okay if they're taken from the earth. She's lived a rather decent life, but she hasn't done enough -- whatever that even means, right? Perhaps she just feels that life is what it is, things and people come and go...so if she has to go, then at this point she has experienced life for what it is.

When the time is up, she can go relatively happy.

So, she'd like you all to know that...despite whatever troubles you may be going through, just look at things in a more positive light. Be a good person, not because you expect something out of it, but because it's good to be a good person. She loves you very much.

Goodnight, from her.

Little Spoon

I feel arms wrapped tight around me as i lay in bed. I just can't seem to fall asleep, but it's comforting to know that someone is laying by me soundly asleep. Thoughts have filled my head of a time when this was right and when this was real. Tonight, i am the little spoon. Faced away, with one arm tucked beneath me and the other wrapped around me -- i hold the hand to my chest tightly...and inhale.

I've turned on some classical music hoping that it'll help me fall asleep faster, doesn't seem to be working. The sounds of the piano fill my ears -- my mind. I imagine myself outside, the warmth of the sun kissing my skin. I want to kiss the hand i hold, i want to fall asleep.

I turn over, and i'm alone.
Tonight, like most nights, i am alone.

Tonight, I miss being the little spoon.

Among many things, this was something that has crossed my mind tonight. I don't know why i'm having the worst time trying to fall asleep tonight though. It's absolutely infuriating. I almost just want to wait it out till the sun rises and have an incredibly early start to my day. I'm thinking a lot about food, most specifically i'm thinking about the hot cheetos in my kitchen and the buy one get one free chipotle coupon i have. I was thinking about who i could go share a free chipotle with. I was thinking of who would want to go eat boiling crab or dim sum with me. My eating buddy, Tram, has gone back to Berkeley.

Well, this little spoon is out, for now. Toodles.

Why?

Sometimes i wonder...

Are you talking to me because i either danced with you one night while i was drunk and then made out with you -- or maybe i only drunkenly made out with you, so perhaps now you're hoping i'll give you a little bit more than that?

Or

Are you talking to me because i'm attractive to you, and you want to see how much i'd give in?

Or

Are you talking to me because you genuinely think i'm an intriguing person and you'd like to get to know me more?

Or

Do you genuinely want to be my friend?

Doors

I'm currently in school "studying" to be a nurse. I'm struggling a little bit because my drive isn't as strong for it as it should. Being en route to be a nurse takes a lot of dedication to actually succeed in the field, but my gear shift is stuck in neutral -- often it'll even go in reverse, but i can never put myself in fully in drive.

So, as of lately, i've been thinking a lot about my future. Is nursing where i really want to be, and what other paths are there for me to take? The medical field as a career has always been something that was embedded into me as a child. There was no other door for me to choose from, so i never felt like there was anything else out there for me to even consider getting into.

This left me with a very narrow mind with what there is available out there in the real world. What other types of occupations can catch my interests.

What do i really want to be when i grow up? That question seemed so much more simple when we were children, with a broad array of answers to give. Unquestionable about what is really attainable for nimble minded children.

Something people never fail to ask though is, "what interests you". That's not asked as often as you would think, but when i do come upon that question i wonder to myself what is it that really entices me. I feel that compared to most, my answer to that question is very bland.

My answer to that question goes as follows:
"Well, i don't really know. I like to go to the gym whenever i can and i also enjoy doing my nails. Other than that, i don't really do anything else on my free time except sit around in my room and watch netflix. Sometimes, i hang out with my friends...but you know we're all busy now a days so there isn't too much time for that. My free time is also very limited now because i have school till evenings twice a week, and every day that i'm not in school i would be at work."

Once for one of my classes, the teacher asked the students to say aloud one thing that is interesting about yourself. Of course no one can really share something that is hella interesting about themselves. The most interesting thing about myself, would probably be something very private that i wouldn't share with anyone. Who can really share something truly interesting about themselves anyways? Well some succeeded in sharing an interesting fact about themselves, and when my time came i responded with, "i really enjoy doing my nails..."

I have never thought about what other doors there are for me as a career option, since nursing has always been the main thing for me. It's always been something my mother has told me i should do, and i knew that if i would make her very proud if i was able to succeed in it. But am i living my life to succeed for my mother or am i living to succeed for myself? I am asked "why do you want to be a nurse?" and in all honesty, i have a great valid reason for why i do want to be one.

It's as cliche as anyone else's answer would be: "Well, i love to help people."
I mean, i manage to say more than that. I have a whole thing i say, and it's the same every time. But the journey in becoming a nurse, that's the scary part. Dreams are suppose to scare you, aren't they. The question of every hour for me is, do i really want to be a nurse. As captivating as it does sound to me to be able to help the ill on an everyday basis, i don't know if it's what i really really want to do.

Half of my mind says yes, the other half tells me there is more.

If you read up to here, congratulations you have just read 2.5 pages if this were on Microsoft word, times new roman, double spaced, & 12 pt font.

The continued part of my thoughts is below in Doors Pt. II, if anyone cares to read. I had to break it up so it wouldn't be so overwhelming. Toodles!

Doors pt. ii

So, earlier today i was talking to my friend Tram about how i was really unsure about what i wanted to do with my life. Well, i was sitting here earlier tonight thinking about my future and what it is that i'm really passionate about. Then, i had an epiphany.

It was similar to the epiphany that i had when i was younger watching Teen Moms and i realized what type of nurse i wanted to be, Labor & Delivery, but we'll get into that some other time perhaps. I was sitting here at my desk, and had just started playing the song "Stay High" by Tove Lo. When i opened up my blog it completely just hit me -- I want to be a writer.

You ever just have those moments where you realize something that has just been sitting in front of your face all that time, and your heads spins and your filled with pure joy? That basically happened to me. I'm not the best at writing, i know for darn sure i can be a whole lot better...but of all the things that bring me pleasure to life it would be writing. I've never seen it as something that i do on my free time, nor have i ever considered it as one of my interests considering that i always fail to mention it when people ask me. I figure it's because i've been doing this as a hobby for so long, that it's just part of what i do. That didn't really make too much sense.

I actually think that i've come up with this idea several times before. If money wasn't an issue, if i could pursue anything in life...it would have to be writing. I think what steered me away from the idea is the fact it is really hard to find success in such a field. When i was younger, i wanted to be an editor for cosmopolitan or something. That was a dream.

All this time i was asking myself what else there is, and i'd sit here typing on my computer wondering what else is out there for me in this life, when all along it was literally right below my finger tips.

However, there's a line between a career and a hobby as my wise friends has pointed out to me; which is exactly why i left the idea of pursuing this so called "passion" of mine in the first place, and continued on with the frustrating goal of becoming a nurse.

So maybe, this epiphany of mine is just one to have shown me what i really do enjoy in life. As a person of not so many words, this is where i like to spiel. This is where all my non spoken words throughout the day goes. The best and easiest way for me to express myself. Words are my things, and i like them typed out. I like them spoken to me, for i'm more of one to listen than to speak.

Someone once asked me if i had a linguistic fetish. Funny thing.

After i finished writing my previous post, "Doors", i decided to call it a night because that post turned out to be longer than i intended it to be, i strolled through Facebook and stumbled upon something on my news feed that one of my Facebook friends posted. "What Career are You Meant For?" How appropriate is it that as i'm sitting here in the middle of the night thinking about what i should really do with my life, this pops up on my newsfeed. So, i decided to take the silly quiz thinking to myself how bogus these things really are. I answered it as truthfully as i thought, and you wouldn't believe the answer it came up with.

Well fuck the shit out of me, if the Lord isn't giving me a sign right now then this must be some twisted joke. I really lost my shit and texted Justin how i can't believe it. I know, it's silly.

Perhaps, i'll keep my writing as a hobby. I'd love to improve on my writing skills and be more proper with it. I've head some say that when they made their hobbies there work, it became more as work and less of a hobby. So, i have that to consider as well.

This whole night of thinking about what i could do with my life has been fun and delightful, but i still feel stuck with what i want to do despite the sign i got earlier today.

Wish me luck, i suppose.

Look at Me

You know how when you're in a relationship, you feel like you are the world to the person you're with and vice versa? I mean, i sure do hope that you feel that way one way or another at least.

You are the most beautiful sight that they've had the greatest pleasure to lay their eyes on, in a sense that it really doesn't matter who else sees you -- as long as they do. It's almost such a pleasurable feeling to know that no matter what, at least there is that one person who absolutely admires you in every possible way. That you can look your absolute worse, but be the most beautiful to them. So, who is there to need to impress? Why would you need to have the attention of anyone else?

They make you feel beautiful, they give you confidence. You radiate like the sun.

I know a lot of females are very confident on their own, and they don't need the attention of men to feel beautiful. Brava for them. I know that a lot of females lose their confidence a little falling out of relationships. What i do know it that, being in a relationship means you're supposedly beautiful all the time. It's easier to walk out looking like shit, because you won't care -- because why does it matter, you don't have anyone else to really impress. From my perspective, i feel like i'm more conscious about how i look when i leave the house. It's almost a little bit sad, because i do wish that i could still feel radiant.

Well, you ever notice how when someone is newly single, or even been single, likes to post up a lot of photos of their lives? Either that they're newly single so they like so show off what a great time they're having. How great they look. I thought about it a little tonight; about how one may feel in a relationship vs. out of one.

I noticed that way a particular girl i'm following on IG has just recently gotten out of a relationship. Pictures of her pop up more frequently. I see selfies and #ootd posts from her practically everyday. To top it off, it seems like now she's on a partying - socialite rampage. Not that it's a bad thing! Not at all, i wish i could be on a partying - socialite rampage myself. Well it made me wonder...i mean, i really hope i don't overly post photos obnoxiously. I find myself wanting to post more than i did before. There's a lot of ways to think about it. More time on my hands, perhaps wanting to appear that i'm satisfied and happy with my new found life. 

In the mind of a single female who posts up a lot of photos. She says that she wants to be seen. That now it's more important to feel beautiful. The boost of confidence perks up with each "like". It's really true. I don't think a lot of girls would admit to it. 

To me, her series of photos scream, "Hey look, i'm doing great. I'm doing fantastic without you. I have a great group of friends, and i've been living it up." Photos posted are shown to be seen, begging to be looked at. 

But really, what does it matter. What does it really mean? When you have a thousand eyes looking at you, lurking at your every move...it will never amount to the preciousness of the desire that a pair of eyes in love can do to your soul when they look at you with admiration. There's nothing that can make you feel more beautiful. 

Maslow

I'm not the same person that i once was. More so, i'm definitely not that same person that i was one or two months ago. A little part of me has died inside, and it's changed me in ways i never could have imagined.

I can't exactly say what the change is, but i know there's something different. Either, something is missing or something has evolved within me. I know, that sounds contradicting because i just said that a part of me has died. Withered away into oblivion.

So, i've cut my hair. I feel like a different person. Does that sound silly? I don't feel like myself anymore. Sitting here tonight, i'm wondering who i am. Who have i become, and do i like what i see? I wouldn't say that i'm completely satisfied with who i am, and i'm genuinely working on self growth.

Have you heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? I'm going to attempt to explain it right now, so i can further explain how it is that i'm feeling about myself. I've put the pyramid therefor visualization. It's his theory for one's self motivation and happiness. Something like that, at least. Well, you start from the bottom of the pyramid, and he says that you need to obtain the needs of one tier in order to obtain the needs of the next. You need you physiological needs, in order to even be able to live. It's the basic needs of life, to simply put it. With that, it'll bring you safety. What you need to gain to feel safe is having the security within you life. Feeling like you have a secure foundation, helps you build relations with those around you which brings you the sense of love and belonging. Being able to maintain good relationships with those around you is important to your own state of mind. Because if you really think about it, it's the people around you that make you who you are today. Without them, where would you really be? This leads to your esteem. Being able to obtain the sense of love and belonging, is what brings you your esteem. It helps you strive, boosts your self esteem, and confidence. With all this, you reach the top of the pyramid: self actualization. This is when you come to be able to motivate yourself to succeed and be the best that you can be.

So, where am i going with this? Well, i feel like i'm lacking in the love/belonging section here. I've been thinking about it, and i think that's where my insecurity mostly stems from. I mean, i do have a few people that i feel do genuinely care for me. I also have my family, who are my greatest support system. But something is missing, because i don't have a sense of belonging. I feel this often, and it makes me feel really lost. I feel lack of motivation, because i don't feel like it's all that worth it to do whatever there is. I'm looking for myself, and as i do that i'm looking for a place to be. A place i can feel safe, and fit in.

Animals

Sometimes, i want to believe in reincarnation. I want to believe that once i die, i'll come back to life in a different form. Then sometimes, i really wish i could just fall into eternal sleep already and come back and as an animal. Like, now.

I'm tired of the human race, and i'm tired of being human. Human's are terrible, but yet...we're kind of awesome at the same time. But look at what we've done -- we're monsters that have created a monstrous society. 

So much for being technologically advanced. Having more is not any much better. Why do we need all this stuff...why do i even find the need to have a macbook to type out my stupid thoughts on? Well i don't know, we've just all come so adapt to this world that we've put ourselves into. All this stuff that we've created has become a necessity to life. Laptops, smartphones, tablets?! 

There was no need for any of this back in the 80s or 90s -- which by the way, we're perfect decades. Can i just time travel? Then i won't find the desire to become a bear.

Sometimes i wonder what people did back then, when all this technology was not around. We wrote letters to each other, that took about 3 days or so to reach the other person. Imagine that...we can even barely bare to sit around waiting for an hour for our crushes to even text us back now a days!!

How is it that we were once able to live without all this stuff, but now we can't seem to go without it. We feel naked without our phones. Waiting for the food to come when you're on a date, has become a quite moment looking through instagram instead of talking. What the fuck, man.

We destroy, we lie, we steal, we hurt, we're selfish, we suck.

Animals, are amazing. They're lucky sons of a bitches who don't need to stress about money and work. They go about their days frolicking around, because they don't need technology to ruin their lives. Total beastly savages, who fend for themselves. And love the ones that love them. I think that's how a lot of the animals work.

We are real animals, the worst type of animal there is out there. Polluting and ruin this beautiful world. 

Natural

I thought that the love we had came so naturally. I mean, i thought what we had was love. Nothing was ever so forced, and each moment spent together was pleasant.

There was never awkwardness, even when we were mad at each other. Even in the midst of anger as we sat in the same vicinity of one other stonewalling each other, it was never really so much as a strange feeling. It wouldn't be a moment of, "fuck, what am i suppose to say now" it's just flat out "i'm upset and i don't care to talk." And that was okay, because we could be mad and still just be in one another's presence until one of us puts our pride down and makes things better. Do you know what i mean?

I loved that. 

I love how natural love can be. In any moment, with any feeling. 

Perhaps i'm just a big sack of corn (cause i'm corny, and full of cliches), but my mind was always stuck on the honey moon stage. Even when things got sour, once it got right again my mind would float back into bliss. Maybe, that isn't such a good thing. Maybe my head is stuck in the clouds too often, to realize what i should be aware of...

Spring Breeze

It's 4:30am. The night breeze is making it's way through my fully open window. The blinds are down, only to let some of the breeze in - lightly hitting my forehead, and i take in the freshness. If the blinds were open as well, I'd be too cold...

I was in a deep sleep prior to this, but suddenly woke up for no reason at all...usually I'd be upset about this since I have to be up in a couple hours, but I woke up with thoughts filling my head. Good thoughts, thoughts that make me feel blessed. So here I am at 4:42am now - wide awake - with thoughts to share.

I'm practically 20 now (in four months) and here I am laying in bed, under the sheets sharing body heat with a young man. I have this feeling that I'm not sure how describe. To be able to share a bed with another person, who is a guy, is....just....I'm really at a lost for words right now.

It's like, when I was younger I imagined what love was like. What it was like to be my parents, my siblings who were in serious relationships. To have someone to depend on. I imagined what it was like to be older in such a scenario.

For some reason though, I never imagined that it'd be the way that it is. That I'd be 20 years old (which still seems young) and in love. That I'd actually get the pleasure of being in someone's arms, and at 4am as the cool air is filling my room making my exposed skin chilly, under the sheets his body is keeping me warm.

I've imagined this, being with someone. But it's noting as I imagined. It's so much more grand. It's almost a blessing. I look over at him as he's peacefully asleep, heavily breathing and it makes me filled with so much joy.

To love and to be loved is a blessing upon itself...a feeling too hard to explain, which makes this post a bit hard to comprehend the feeling I'm trying to express.

The most I can come up with is: to be in love is to wake up in the middle of the night, and not be upset about not being able to fall back asleep because the person next to you is so beautifully peaceful. Where you can't help but smile and inhale their essence. To think how blessed you are, then smile at the fact that you can just turn over and snuggle up by their side to easily fall back into a deep slumber knowing that in the morning they'll still be there. That now you just want morning to come so you can see heir bright smile and tell them you love them.

That's the best interpretation of how I'm feeling right now. Goodnight.

♥ ♥

ungrateful

Trying to gather my thoughts together. Right now i'm in a mood that indescribable.

Well not really, it's really dumb actually. As a matter of fact, every time i'm unhappy its always for a dumb reason. I shouldn't be...

I think i care a little bit too much. I care about affection, compassion...and attentiveness?

Living up to expectations and living up to other people.

I'm not even sure how to describe the reason for why i'm unhappy. I'm not unhappy with something, more like i'm unhappy with the way i handle things that occur in my life.

Here let me try the best i can...

Okay here's a scenario:

Theres a person in your life. Everything about their life just always seems to just be one step better than yours. Okay, really? There is no need to compare at all, but you just do, can't help it you know? The thoughts running through your head is always just, damn no fair why can't i buy all these nice things, get all these nice things, get all the men/women.

Kay well here i am, as pathetic as can be just trying to compete. I keep telling myself that there is no need. Why should i yearn for more when what i have should be simply enough? I just want more because i feel like i'll be happier...which in my mind is true. I'll be happier, i'll be happier with all the material things.

I feel like that's a just a bit horrible of me to feel like material things would make me happier. I mean yah itd be so nice to sit and drive in such a nice car, carry beautiful bags and wear lovely clothes with nice perfume and a designer handbag....shit i don't even know. That'd be great.

Shit i'm just an ungrateful little girl, aren't i. That's whats making me sad the most right now. I'm sad because i'm so ungrateful of all the things my mother has provided me with. I know if she could, she'd give me more but she simply can't.

I tell myself constantly that i don't need it. Just be fucking happy i have something. I have a car, its my damn fault i ruined my first one so i'm unhappy with my second one. I have clothes, its my fault i don't spend wisely so i feel unhappy that i don't have enough. Blahblah i have things.

I'm just ungrateful. Now that i let it out, i'm pretty grateful for everything i have.

I don't need to spend a couple grand to make my car fucking nice, which its just my first car anyways. I don't need to spend 200 on a bag, its just a bag. Dammmn.

Girls and their material things.