30 Beats

How much do you know about what is called "transference"? What you think you feel for me is not what you really feel. What you feel are projected, redirected feelings that you shouldn't feel like feeling -- not real feelings. They're feelings from you past that you are transferencing to me...on me...onto me, but not onto the real me -- onto some idea that you have of me. An interesting contradiction. The fluidity of sexual energies and self control.

- 30 Beats

I ran out of things to watch on netflix, so i decided to watch one of the independent films that they have called 30 Beats. I thought it was going to be some romance movie, but it was really just about a bunch of people hooking up. Sort of interesting in a way, but also a little slow. Each person's hook up lead to another encounter of a one night stand of some sort. Perhaps with a stranger, old friend, doctor, or best friend. Well this quote stood out to me. I never even heard of the term "transference", but what that guy said to the girl that was throwing himself at her made some sense to me. It's an interesting concept. I wasn't able to exactly get the quote down word for word, but i tried my best. So i tried to google a part of it to see if the rest of the quote would pop-up, but instead a bunch of scientific shit popped up about love, lust, and transference. I haven't had the time to really look into this concept, but once i definitely will.

From what the quote says, i guess sometimes in a stage of vulnerability you feel lust or find yourself infatuated with someone. However, it's not that you actually really want the real them...you just want the idea of them, around you. In other words, i want to say its similar to rebounding. Is it? I don't really know. That's just what i got out of context.

I'll look into all this, and be back with more. Maybe. Toodles.

Letting Go

I was awakened during my sleep by something earlier. It must have been my subconscious mind telling me something...i've say here since three just thinking to myself.

I deleted a couple of my blog posts, well actually i just reverted it back to draft. I should have more pride in myself than to actually post such pathetic things for the world to see. I only drafted a couple that sounded absolutely bad. Let's be honest here, a lot of my posts are pretty bad.

Well, i came across one of my posts saying something about how maybe one day i'll just wake up finally realize that it's time to let things go and just move forward from it all. A lot of why i've been stuck is because i've still been holding on, and talking to him. Well...this past week as been quite the reality check for me really. I guess i'm just that type of person (sadly) where i need to seriously get slapped in the face to finally realize what i need to do -- the guy put me through absolute shit, and i never took that as my sign to walk away until this moment. It's like i need to know that he, too, is done with it for me to be able to say "okay, yeah so am i". Yeah, i mean how sad is that...i know, i know.

Well it's four am now, practically and i think i'm ready to say that i'm ready to let it go. It's time to embrace myself, and move forward from the negativity. Time to pick myself up, and find myself all over again. It'll all be okay.

All this time, it's not like i was still in love with the guy. I was just stuck and lost in the transition again. Fooling myself and blinded by despair.

And in the end of it all, i hate him probably as much as i once loved him. And that could just be about the strongest sense of hate i will ever feel for a person. Makes me feel sickened that i could have once loved a person that probably never really cared, the way he made it seem like he did. But i can't say the feelings i once had for him weren't real. I can't take back that love i gave, i can't take back those words i once said and put so much time and thought to put down into words on a silly blog...because at one point those feelings were sincere. Now it's all just silly.

Animals

Sometimes, i want to believe in reincarnation. I want to believe that once i die, i'll come back to life in a different form. Then sometimes, i really wish i could just fall into eternal sleep already and come back and as an animal. Like, now.

I'm tired of the human race, and i'm tired of being human. Human's are terrible, but yet...we're kind of awesome at the same time. But look at what we've done -- we're monsters that have created a monstrous society. 

So much for being technologically advanced. Having more is not any much better. Why do we need all this stuff...why do i even find the need to have a macbook to type out my stupid thoughts on? Well i don't know, we've just all come so adapt to this world that we've put ourselves into. All this stuff that we've created has become a necessity to life. Laptops, smartphones, tablets?! 

There was no need for any of this back in the 80s or 90s -- which by the way, we're perfect decades. Can i just time travel? Then i won't find the desire to become a bear.

Sometimes i wonder what people did back then, when all this technology was not around. We wrote letters to each other, that took about 3 days or so to reach the other person. Imagine that...we can even barely bare to sit around waiting for an hour for our crushes to even text us back now a days!!

How is it that we were once able to live without all this stuff, but now we can't seem to go without it. We feel naked without our phones. Waiting for the food to come when you're on a date, has become a quite moment looking through instagram instead of talking. What the fuck, man.

We destroy, we lie, we steal, we hurt, we're selfish, we suck.

Animals, are amazing. They're lucky sons of a bitches who don't need to stress about money and work. They go about their days frolicking around, because they don't need technology to ruin their lives. Total beastly savages, who fend for themselves. And love the ones that love them. I think that's how a lot of the animals work.

We are real animals, the worst type of animal there is out there. Polluting and ruin this beautiful world. 

20

I'm twenty years old, and I think I can safely speak for anyone else that's currently twenty or has experienced being this age when I say that being twenty is possibly the most awkward time of ones life.

You're twenty years old, and you're patiently waiting for that moment when you finally reach the legal age for life. It's like, you're legal but you're barely there. Almost like a lab rat running  on a mini treadmill chasing a piece of cheese in front of him. The cheese is right there - so close, yet so out of reach. It's finally the year you've been waiting for! But now your friends have already reached 21, and they're going all out enjoying being legal while you can't join in because there's only just a couple months left till you get there. Oh the agony.

I'm legal in August. So close, yet so damn far away...why couldn't people cut me some slack, I'm almost there! Let me into your club! 

Just kidding about that last part.

Then there's the whole thing about being a young adult at this time of your life. Trying to really figure out what you're all about and what you want to do with your life. It seems like a lot of people at this age has it all figured out, but in reality I think a lot of us are just winging as the day goes by. No, but really I think a lot people are well established with knowing what they're doing, and which path they're turning into. Whereas, I feel like my path hit a fork and one road is about to hit a dead end - except that's the road I chose so now I have to turn around and go down the other road. I feel like I've wasted a colossal amount of time in my life, but I'd like to tell me it's okay...what's the rush. Just take it at a pace that you're comfy with and slowly, but surely I'll get to the finish line.

Then I realize I'll never reach the real finish line till I'm old and am a prune. Looks like I really have a long ways ahead of me. With so many turns to take down the road. 

We aren't really mature yet. Then again, will we ever reach the right peak of maturity? It's all in how we handle things, the way we think, etc. Sometimes I'd like to think I'm okay, I'm mature. But I know for sure, that I still have a lot of growing up to do. Especially with the fact that I need to really just get my shit together, and really be aware of what's going on around me. That should really be something for me to work on. 

We're in young adult hood. Where things have just got started. If things are tough now, just wait. Adult hood is about to be scary. I think to depict how tough we will have it, we would have to have it extra tough now. Then vice versa. 

I guess I should just enjoy the next five months of being an awkward young adult. 

I Want You

I Want You | Common

Natural

I thought that the love we had came so naturally. I mean, i thought what we had was love. Nothing was ever so forced, and each moment spent together was pleasant.

There was never awkwardness, even when we were mad at each other. Even in the midst of anger as we sat in the same vicinity of one other stonewalling each other, it was never really so much as a strange feeling. It wouldn't be a moment of, "fuck, what am i suppose to say now" it's just flat out "i'm upset and i don't care to talk." And that was okay, because we could be mad and still just be in one another's presence until one of us puts our pride down and makes things better. Do you know what i mean?

I loved that. 

I love how natural love can be. In any moment, with any feeling. 

Perhaps i'm just a big sack of corn (cause i'm corny, and full of cliches), but my mind was always stuck on the honey moon stage. Even when things got sour, once it got right again my mind would float back into bliss. Maybe, that isn't such a good thing. Maybe my head is stuck in the clouds too often, to realize what i should be aware of...

Open Season

Girl:"Where's your boo thang at??"
Me: "I don't have a boo thang! I'm single."
Guy1: "You're single?"
Me: Yes
Guy2: "Oh dang, so you're on the market huh"
Me: "Yeah, i'm on the market. It's open season."


What i said when i was drunk last night -- then i realize that could've been one the worst things to come out of my mouth lol...

Guns

Gun are crazy things. Have you ever held and shot one? It's an insane feeling to pull that trigger. Pulling a trigger to a gun and firing at a piece of paper is really no big deal. It's the idea of holding a man made object that has the ability to kill someone. That's the insane part. I mean, we all know what guns are capable of. You hear about it on the news, and there's a whole controversy on the issue of guns. Kids somehow get their hands on a gun and accidentally kill their sister/mother/father because they were either mad, or just foolish. "Guns kill" they say.

What are your opinions on guns?

They aren't that heavy, and once you get the right grip you can get comfortable holding them pretty quick. Shoot a few rounds, and eventually you will get the hang of it. Initially, it's scary because you have no idea where the hell the rounds will fly off to.

It's insanely loud too. You hear guns on television, sometimes you even hear it in the dead of night being shot off. Then you hear it being shot in person, and it's like you can feel it in your chest. The loud bang. It's nuts.

I'm more of a passive aggressive person, sort of. I'm definitely more passive than i am aggressive. I feel that sometimes for someone like me, i may have more aggression bottled up inside of me than i would want. Sometimes it's really just too much for me to even handle...

Well i thought about maybe buying a gun. Before you get all ahead of yourself thinking what in the god's name world do i want to do with a damn gun, well i want to go shooting once in a while and let off steam.

Maybe i could be like Bree from Desperate Housewives.
That was clearly a joke.

Then i thought about what would happen if one day something inside of me dies a little, and i have access to a gun...then what.

Mascara

It's 7:00pm, and she's sitting there in front of her mirror generously applying coats of mascara to her eyelashes.

She wants her eyes to be what you notice when you look at her -- not her hair of which she spent thirty minutes curly, or the outfit she spent twenty minutes putting together. She doesn't want you to notice her cleavage subtly peeking from her blouse, or even the way her ass shapes so nicely in those jeans. She wants her eyes to be what you see...when you see her. She wants you to look into her eyes, and see what she feels when she looks at you.

When she looks at you, something inside of her explodes lightly. Perhaps it's butterflies...but what she feels is more than just silly butterflies. Get trapped in her glance, get trapped in her eyes and look into her soul. Her everlasting soul, and shine some light into that dark abyss. You can save her.

She's hoping you notice her desire for you. She's hoping you catch her quick stares, and see the effort that she put in to make it look like she "looks good without even trying". It's that glance of lust, desire, passion...but you never notice her.

The light that shines in her, and shines through her eyes when she sees you dies a little. She goes home, and it's 2am. She has had quite a few drinks. She comes home, to an empty room -- feeling empty.

She sits there in front of her mirror, and stares at herself as dark lines of mascara drips down from her face. And the hour or so that she spent putting so much effort in the way that she looked that night, only took a quick instant to ruin. Her eyes are running, and you see it on her face now. You see that dark abyss on her face -- in her eyes.

Late Reflection

I was just looking back through my blog archive, and i noticed that last year (2013) i had the least amount of blog posts compared to all the other years (excluding 2007).

I was actually only just looking at the blog titles, and that's enough for me to just get the gist of what i  talked about in the post. Well it made me realize that 2013 was such a rocky roller coaster ride for me. It is the third month into 2014, and i am now just reflecting upon 2013 with a clear mind.

2013 started off with me newly single with that whole, "life is good, and i'm better off on my own" mentality. I was going out a whole lot, and eventually all that partying caught up to me and i got incredibly sick for the first time since freshman year of high school. My mother went to Vietnam, and left me at home with my dad for a month.

As i was recovering from my sickness, and a week or so after my mother left my ex came slithering back into my life slowly but surely. I was quick to forgive him, and allowed him back into my life -- with caution. It all seemed so right to me at the time. I felt so positive and reassured that everything was going to turn out great, because "we will be better" i said. I didn't want to have us be in anything that we weren't mutually okay with. So i remember saying to him, "I want you to be sure of this. I don't want you to hurt me again" and he told me that he was sure, that letting me go once was the biggest mistake of his life, and he would never do anything to jeopardize losing me again...

That was around late January or early February of last year. Through the motions we went of becoming us again. Not just us, but more like the new and improved us. Or so i thought so at least, or so i felt. Months went by, and things were great until something happened. I don't quite know what it was. Perhaps it was sudden absence that caused a shift in our parade. But just like it was previously in 2012, something that caused constant bad vibes caused a sudden confession of feelings that lead things to go down hill. And as i felt that things were going rocky, i felt myself grasping us with every bit of my being to only -- without anticipating it -- caused for him to suddenly out of no where confess something to me in October, that had my whole being come tumbling down in agony and despair.

In the midst of things, i found myself wanting to just forgive and forget. To let go and continue to love. Only to just continue to be shaken by the harsh reality of who this person that i've loved for so long really is. And then came the most emotionally stressful three months of my life, due to me being an idiot and saying that we should just continue to go to school together. I witnessed him trying to court another female, and it hurt me so deeply -- like a knife literally stabbing me in my chest -- but of course i tried to hide it under a mask and smile through the pain. After all, i was the one who allowed myself to be put through such misery. Where then i picked up smoking more frequently than usual, because being around him was too stressful for me to handle.

End of the quarter came, and i guess i became less mad at everything that happened between us. My mood shifted, and i became more calm. Just brushing off anything he had to say.

I then decided to redo my room and repainted my walls back to white. I wanted to just have my room pure again, and rid it of the terrible memories. Since i couldn't move, painting it was the best i could do. Perhaps i wasn't genuinely happy, but i found myself being more and more okay in the month of December.

Towards the end of December, i went to Tahoe. The trip was therapeutic to me, and i came back home in 2014 feeling so pleased and at ease with myself. Until now, I'm here in reality. Just feeling rather lost. And i feel like i handled the break up at the beginning of 2013 so much better than i am now. That in 2013, i felt progression; whereas i'm just stuck currently.

That was seriously 2013 in a nutshell. Oh life, you sure love to play games with me.

My Hair

I love my hair.

It took me a long time to grow out, and to bring it back to life again. You know, after years and years of putting it through the torture of straightening everyday ever since i discovered the wonders of a straightener in seventh grade. It wasn't until probably junior or senior year maybe that i stopped going through the troubles of straightening my hair every day.

Sophomore year, i got a hair cut it was the shortest it has ever been since elementary school. It was only up to about below my collar bones, which isn't all that bad...but it looked pretty terrible because it was layered and short. So my shortest layer on my head was probably around my ear somewhere. I don't know, but i wasn't too fond of it especially with my awkward body and all. I just felt awkward. I'd have to say that it grew out nicely though.

So, i've been contemplating on cutting my hair short again after my birthday in August. Not hella short, probably just up to my collar bones again. But this time, i think i'll go with a hair cut that'll actually work for me -- hopefully. My hair is currently up to my belly button or so. This decision is a big decision, and many girls can relate. Our hair is our life, basically.

Truth of the matter is that, guys find females with longer hair more attractive. We as ladies, find ourselves more attractive with long hair. You always hear the regrets that girls have about a month or so after cutting their hair short, but you never hear a girl with long hair wishing they can go short again. I think it definitely has a lot to with how long it takes for hair to grow out again, and the decision to just go and actually cut your hair short aid an easy task.

My decision to cut my hair short is not yet set in stone...i'll see how i feel after my birthday. I want a change, but i don't know if i want to make that change my hair. I guess that's what stepping out of your comfort zone is though, to do what you're scared to do...

Well i posted a status on Facebook one night, wondering if i should go short or not and i got mixed responses from people. It's not like i'll really genuinely value their opinions to make or break my decision, but it was more to just see if anyone could tell me if i'd look dreadful with short hair. It is all based on the shape of your face, you know? I considered talking to a professional about it. Lol. Yes, this is really a big deal.

I got a text from someone that said, "No, don't cut off all your pretty hair" as though if i did, i wouldn't be pretty anymore. Or more like, if i did he wouldn't find me pretty anymore. Not to sound vain, but i really do get a lot of compliments on my hair. And strangely, guys like to play with it sometimes. Well i was sitting around and thinking, my hair doesn't make me who i am. Like India Arie said in one of her songs, I am Not My Hair.

Well if i cut my hair, and i'm no longer "pretty" to you then obviously you don't genuinely find me a "pretty" person. Because if you were genuinely into me for who i am, my hair should not matter what length it is. Is he telling me that he will no longer find me attractive? That he'd prefer that my hair stay long. I guess the new flash here is that i'm not here to satisfy the views of how you wish to see me. Sure, guys find it attractive when ladies have long hair...and i'll admit that i had a conversation with one of my girl friends saying that i wouldn't feel pretty anymore if i didn't have long hair. Most of the reason of that had to be because of the idea of beauty that is embedded into the society saying that long hair is beauty. Long hair is what sexy is.

Maybe a response such as, "you would still look just as lovely, even with short hair".
But i guess i don't really have someone that cares for me in such a way like that to tell me something so corny as that. "Simpin" shit, as some would say now a days...

Conversations

You know when you start getting to know someone, you feel like you have so much that you can tell that person about your life? Conversations just come so easily, and hearing about each other's day is so intriguing every single time. But then that's what you call the honey moon stage, isn't it? Everything is always so fine and dandy, where hearing about their boring day is actually interesting.

After some time, conversations just become random bursts of your thoughts. Telling each other about what you plan to do in the near future perhaps. It becomes "what do you want to do today" or "what do you want to eat?" type things. This is where it is important to have a life away from your significant other, so then you'll have stories to tell each other. This is the time where you two will sit in the same room together in silence, focusing on different tasks, and the silence is okay. 

Do you ever sit there with the person that you've been with for a long time, and wonder what is there that the two of you could talk about? What should you say to break the silence...? Is there a point where that "i'm comfortable sitting in silence with you" stage goes away? Or is it a never ending comfortable thing...? Is it that if you're no longer quite comfortable sitting in silence with someone, that perhaps you no longer feel what you felt. Where now you rather be away from them doing something else with other people, than sitting around doing nothing with your significant other.

What do you talk to about with the person you've been with for so many years, and more years to come? What do old married couples talk about, and how are they not bored of each other? I guess those are the many mysterious of love...especially the whole aspect of how two people can not get old of each other as they're growing old together. 

It's all a comfortable type thing. I guess eventually you just become quite comfortable with the person, that it's just okay. Now a days, you just see people getting divorced anyways, so being together for that long could even be rare. It's a really pleasant experience though, to get to that stage with someone you love where you two could just sit comfortably in silence...and there isn't quite any pressure to have to say anything intelligent.

Sometimes i over hear my parent's talking to each other while they're having dinner together, while i'm sitting in my room. A lot of the time when i actually catch their conversations, it's when i'm sitting here staring at my computer screen with blank thoughts. 

I hear them eating in silence, with the hum of the t.v in the background. My dad would sometimes smack on his food, loud enough for me to hear from my room. And one of them would randomly bring up something to say. Sometimes, the other wouldn't respond.

Today, it went something like this (at least the parts of what i caught):

I hear them eating in silence, as usual. 

Mom: You know, i never get any tax returns when i do my taxes.

Dad: What?

Mom: Every year when i do my taxes, i never get money back...

Dad: Oh, really? Why is that?

-- Then i stopped listening, and they started eating in silence again after the tax talk--

Mom: You know Bunny always sleeps with Kathy at night, and when Kathy doesn't let her go under the sheets with her, she (Bunny) would take her paws and hit her until Kathy would open her sheets to let her go underneath.

Dad: *Laughs* Wow, really? She's so smart, huh.

Mom: Yeah. And she always sits here at the table with us when we're eating. She waits for us to finish eating and finish cleaning up everything, and then goes to sit at Kathy's door when we're all done.

Dad: *Chuckles*

Mom: She just stays here till we're done, because she knows that she may still have a chance of getting some food from us. She's very smart.

I stopped listening again, because then i decided to write this blog post. Funny thing is that, i've never noticed what my dog did. But my parent's just finished eating and cleaning up everything, and as i heard my mom finish loading the dishwasher and giving my dad his dessert, i heard my dogs foot steps come closer to me and i hear her paw scratch my door.

Selfless

Love should be selfless.

Although it is important to remember to do things for yourself and do things to make you happy, it's just as equally important that when you love someone your love should shine through your actions.

Selfless love is a parent who sacrifices so much to give their children a good life. Where when their daughter goes into the kitchen asking "are you going to eat that", and you were originally going to eat all of that but you still tell her that she can have some or sometimes even all of it.

Selfless love is dropping what you're doing to help out someone you love, with no questions asked.

When you love someone you find yourself always having the other person's interests and feelings in mind. If you were to do something, how would they feel. If you went to buy food, thinking if they would like something as well...selfless little acts that will go a long way.

If all you can think about is your own needs and your own happiness, and you fail to comply to your significant other, is it really love? I mean who am i to really say, right...?

Well in the end, their happiness should be your happiness.
I guess that's something to think about.