Doors

I'm currently in school "studying" to be a nurse. I'm struggling a little bit because my drive isn't as strong for it as it should. Being en route to be a nurse takes a lot of dedication to actually succeed in the field, but my gear shift is stuck in neutral -- often it'll even go in reverse, but i can never put myself in fully in drive.

So, as of lately, i've been thinking a lot about my future. Is nursing where i really want to be, and what other paths are there for me to take? The medical field as a career has always been something that was embedded into me as a child. There was no other door for me to choose from, so i never felt like there was anything else out there for me to even consider getting into.

This left me with a very narrow mind with what there is available out there in the real world. What other types of occupations can catch my interests.

What do i really want to be when i grow up? That question seemed so much more simple when we were children, with a broad array of answers to give. Unquestionable about what is really attainable for nimble minded children.

Something people never fail to ask though is, "what interests you". That's not asked as often as you would think, but when i do come upon that question i wonder to myself what is it that really entices me. I feel that compared to most, my answer to that question is very bland.

My answer to that question goes as follows:
"Well, i don't really know. I like to go to the gym whenever i can and i also enjoy doing my nails. Other than that, i don't really do anything else on my free time except sit around in my room and watch netflix. Sometimes, i hang out with my friends...but you know we're all busy now a days so there isn't too much time for that. My free time is also very limited now because i have school till evenings twice a week, and every day that i'm not in school i would be at work."

Once for one of my classes, the teacher asked the students to say aloud one thing that is interesting about yourself. Of course no one can really share something that is hella interesting about themselves. The most interesting thing about myself, would probably be something very private that i wouldn't share with anyone. Who can really share something truly interesting about themselves anyways? Well some succeeded in sharing an interesting fact about themselves, and when my time came i responded with, "i really enjoy doing my nails..."

I have never thought about what other doors there are for me as a career option, since nursing has always been the main thing for me. It's always been something my mother has told me i should do, and i knew that if i would make her very proud if i was able to succeed in it. But am i living my life to succeed for my mother or am i living to succeed for myself? I am asked "why do you want to be a nurse?" and in all honesty, i have a great valid reason for why i do want to be one.

It's as cliche as anyone else's answer would be: "Well, i love to help people."
I mean, i manage to say more than that. I have a whole thing i say, and it's the same every time. But the journey in becoming a nurse, that's the scary part. Dreams are suppose to scare you, aren't they. The question of every hour for me is, do i really want to be a nurse. As captivating as it does sound to me to be able to help the ill on an everyday basis, i don't know if it's what i really really want to do.

Half of my mind says yes, the other half tells me there is more.

If you read up to here, congratulations you have just read 2.5 pages if this were on Microsoft word, times new roman, double spaced, & 12 pt font.

The continued part of my thoughts is below in Doors Pt. II, if anyone cares to read. I had to break it up so it wouldn't be so overwhelming. Toodles!

Doors pt. ii

So, earlier today i was talking to my friend Tram about how i was really unsure about what i wanted to do with my life. Well, i was sitting here earlier tonight thinking about my future and what it is that i'm really passionate about. Then, i had an epiphany.

It was similar to the epiphany that i had when i was younger watching Teen Moms and i realized what type of nurse i wanted to be, Labor & Delivery, but we'll get into that some other time perhaps. I was sitting here at my desk, and had just started playing the song "Stay High" by Tove Lo. When i opened up my blog it completely just hit me -- I want to be a writer.

You ever just have those moments where you realize something that has just been sitting in front of your face all that time, and your heads spins and your filled with pure joy? That basically happened to me. I'm not the best at writing, i know for darn sure i can be a whole lot better...but of all the things that bring me pleasure to life it would be writing. I've never seen it as something that i do on my free time, nor have i ever considered it as one of my interests considering that i always fail to mention it when people ask me. I figure it's because i've been doing this as a hobby for so long, that it's just part of what i do. That didn't really make too much sense.

I actually think that i've come up with this idea several times before. If money wasn't an issue, if i could pursue anything in life...it would have to be writing. I think what steered me away from the idea is the fact it is really hard to find success in such a field. When i was younger, i wanted to be an editor for cosmopolitan or something. That was a dream.

All this time i was asking myself what else there is, and i'd sit here typing on my computer wondering what else is out there for me in this life, when all along it was literally right below my finger tips.

However, there's a line between a career and a hobby as my wise friends has pointed out to me; which is exactly why i left the idea of pursuing this so called "passion" of mine in the first place, and continued on with the frustrating goal of becoming a nurse.

So maybe, this epiphany of mine is just one to have shown me what i really do enjoy in life. As a person of not so many words, this is where i like to spiel. This is where all my non spoken words throughout the day goes. The best and easiest way for me to express myself. Words are my things, and i like them typed out. I like them spoken to me, for i'm more of one to listen than to speak.

Someone once asked me if i had a linguistic fetish. Funny thing.

After i finished writing my previous post, "Doors", i decided to call it a night because that post turned out to be longer than i intended it to be, i strolled through Facebook and stumbled upon something on my news feed that one of my Facebook friends posted. "What Career are You Meant For?" How appropriate is it that as i'm sitting here in the middle of the night thinking about what i should really do with my life, this pops up on my newsfeed. So, i decided to take the silly quiz thinking to myself how bogus these things really are. I answered it as truthfully as i thought, and you wouldn't believe the answer it came up with.

Well fuck the shit out of me, if the Lord isn't giving me a sign right now then this must be some twisted joke. I really lost my shit and texted Justin how i can't believe it. I know, it's silly.

Perhaps, i'll keep my writing as a hobby. I'd love to improve on my writing skills and be more proper with it. I've head some say that when they made their hobbies there work, it became more as work and less of a hobby. So, i have that to consider as well.

This whole night of thinking about what i could do with my life has been fun and delightful, but i still feel stuck with what i want to do despite the sign i got earlier today.

Wish me luck, i suppose.

Misleaders

Men who appear to be interested in me, but aren't really interested is the sole reason of why i feel like i've given up on "love" or anything relatively close to the idea of being in a committed relationship.

Because honestly, i don't want to deal with any type of commitment, so a lot of the time i'm not interested in 95% of the men/boys/dudes that i encounter. Perhaps i fall too easily, and i am way too gullible or something. I could have cared less to begin with, but for one of them to act in a way that they care when they really don't, it sort of tricks my mind. I don't care about the words they say, but i think it's more of something like "why in the world do you even need to say that type of shit if you don't even mean it?"

Sort of disgusts me a bit.

Boss | Tinashe

Drunken Lies

Drunk words are not always sober thoughts.
Drunken words spoken, can still be thought up of lies.

It's as easy to lie when drunk as it is to when you're sober. Have you ever thought that maybe at a certain level of drunkness, one can find it easier to fish out comforting lies? That perhaps when one wants something, they can easily push it upon someone else through lies when they're drunk? Especially with this whole "drunk words, sober thoughts" thing is a thing.

Don't be fooled people, don't be fooled. A bullshitter is always a bullshitter whether they're drunk or sober. You can't expect someone to suddenly just blurt out the truth just because they're under the influence.

The whole, i want you shit is not what you think it is. They want you out of your pants.

I know that i for one, can be brutally honest when i'm drunk though. There are a lot of us weak nimble ones out there that can burst out the honest truth when under the influence, and many of which that can hold it together and continue a facade.

Toodles.

What I Might Do

Look at Me

You know how when you're in a relationship, you feel like you are the world to the person you're with and vice versa? I mean, i sure do hope that you feel that way one way or another at least.

You are the most beautiful sight that they've had the greatest pleasure to lay their eyes on, in a sense that it really doesn't matter who else sees you -- as long as they do. It's almost such a pleasurable feeling to know that no matter what, at least there is that one person who absolutely admires you in every possible way. That you can look your absolute worse, but be the most beautiful to them. So, who is there to need to impress? Why would you need to have the attention of anyone else?

They make you feel beautiful, they give you confidence. You radiate like the sun.

I know a lot of females are very confident on their own, and they don't need the attention of men to feel beautiful. Brava for them. I know that a lot of females lose their confidence a little falling out of relationships. What i do know it that, being in a relationship means you're supposedly beautiful all the time. It's easier to walk out looking like shit, because you won't care -- because why does it matter, you don't have anyone else to really impress. From my perspective, i feel like i'm more conscious about how i look when i leave the house. It's almost a little bit sad, because i do wish that i could still feel radiant.

Well, you ever notice how when someone is newly single, or even been single, likes to post up a lot of photos of their lives? Either that they're newly single so they like so show off what a great time they're having. How great they look. I thought about it a little tonight; about how one may feel in a relationship vs. out of one.

I noticed that way a particular girl i'm following on IG has just recently gotten out of a relationship. Pictures of her pop up more frequently. I see selfies and #ootd posts from her practically everyday. To top it off, it seems like now she's on a partying - socialite rampage. Not that it's a bad thing! Not at all, i wish i could be on a partying - socialite rampage myself. Well it made me wonder...i mean, i really hope i don't overly post photos obnoxiously. I find myself wanting to post more than i did before. There's a lot of ways to think about it. More time on my hands, perhaps wanting to appear that i'm satisfied and happy with my new found life. 

In the mind of a single female who posts up a lot of photos. She says that she wants to be seen. That now it's more important to feel beautiful. The boost of confidence perks up with each "like". It's really true. I don't think a lot of girls would admit to it. 

To me, her series of photos scream, "Hey look, i'm doing great. I'm doing fantastic without you. I have a great group of friends, and i've been living it up." Photos posted are shown to be seen, begging to be looked at. 

But really, what does it matter. What does it really mean? When you have a thousand eyes looking at you, lurking at your every move...it will never amount to the preciousness of the desire that a pair of eyes in love can do to your soul when they look at you with admiration. There's nothing that can make you feel more beautiful. 

fangirlscreaming

Something to know about me: I'm a groupie hoe for Miguel.

I fantasize about him singing to me.
Get Miguel to sing for me on my birthday, so i know that it's real. Get him to sing for me on any given day...and i'll love you for life.

So, i've followed him on twitter and the other day i saw him tweet something about how he was collabing with Cashmere Cat on something, so i decided to look it up:



Do You - Miguel x Cashmere Cat

Listening to this, i imagined myself engulfed in complete and utter euphoria as i'm on. So happy and blissfully melting as i enjoy the rhythm and beats. As Miguel's sweet voice surrounds my mind.

Maslow

I'm not the same person that i once was. More so, i'm definitely not that same person that i was one or two months ago. A little part of me has died inside, and it's changed me in ways i never could have imagined.

I can't exactly say what the change is, but i know there's something different. Either, something is missing or something has evolved within me. I know, that sounds contradicting because i just said that a part of me has died. Withered away into oblivion.

So, i've cut my hair. I feel like a different person. Does that sound silly? I don't feel like myself anymore. Sitting here tonight, i'm wondering who i am. Who have i become, and do i like what i see? I wouldn't say that i'm completely satisfied with who i am, and i'm genuinely working on self growth.

Have you heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? I'm going to attempt to explain it right now, so i can further explain how it is that i'm feeling about myself. I've put the pyramid therefor visualization. It's his theory for one's self motivation and happiness. Something like that, at least. Well, you start from the bottom of the pyramid, and he says that you need to obtain the needs of one tier in order to obtain the needs of the next. You need you physiological needs, in order to even be able to live. It's the basic needs of life, to simply put it. With that, it'll bring you safety. What you need to gain to feel safe is having the security within you life. Feeling like you have a secure foundation, helps you build relations with those around you which brings you the sense of love and belonging. Being able to maintain good relationships with those around you is important to your own state of mind. Because if you really think about it, it's the people around you that make you who you are today. Without them, where would you really be? This leads to your esteem. Being able to obtain the sense of love and belonging, is what brings you your esteem. It helps you strive, boosts your self esteem, and confidence. With all this, you reach the top of the pyramid: self actualization. This is when you come to be able to motivate yourself to succeed and be the best that you can be.

So, where am i going with this? Well, i feel like i'm lacking in the love/belonging section here. I've been thinking about it, and i think that's where my insecurity mostly stems from. I mean, i do have a few people that i feel do genuinely care for me. I also have my family, who are my greatest support system. But something is missing, because i don't have a sense of belonging. I feel this often, and it makes me feel really lost. I feel lack of motivation, because i don't feel like it's all that worth it to do whatever there is. I'm looking for myself, and as i do that i'm looking for a place to be. A place i can feel safe, and fit in.

Bye Long Locks

Today, I donated my hair to Locks of Love with Lisa. My hair was practically up to my tail bone, and i felt like maybe it was about time for me to try something new with my look. It was a really nerve wrecking idea to have myself step out of my comfort zone in this way. My hair meant so much to me, and honestly it was what boosted my confidence. My hair made me feel beautiful. So why did i decide to take make the decision to go for such a huge change? I guess because change welcomes growth.

I kind of miss my hair already. Another thing is, i'm about to turn twenty one in a couple of months, but i now look like a twelve year old. I need to figure out in what ways i can style my hair so it's more suitable for me. I haven't had short hair in forever! I can't believe i really went through with it. My mom called me crazy because my brother and sister's weddings are coming up in June. She was saying why would i do this, now i can't be pretty. I really do hope my hair will grow out enough by then so i can do pretty things with it. It's not like my hair is all that short anyways...

Yes, it's pretty short compared to what i had before. A little mortified.

What do you think of my hair? I wonder how long it'll take to grow back.
Today marks an important day.

 

These photos made me realize that my eyebrows are not working for me. I look mean, lol. One of my co-workers pointed out that they're a little thick. Note to self: new eyebrow routine -- yes, that shit's important too. 

Toodles!