My Father

One thing about my life that i'm kind of sad about is that i never really talk to my dad. I was trying to think of a better word to describe how i feel about that. Yah, i'm sad about it...but there was another word i was trying to think of but it just didn't come to me. I was going to say regretful, but he's still around...however, that is definitely something i will be more that completely regretful about when he's gone.

Something about me is that i told myself to cherish and be overly grateful for my parents. Let them know that i appreciate them and love them with all my heart. Because i don't want a moment to go by unrecognized? Idk. I don't want to all grown up and look back into my life and wish that i did things differently with them. Do you know what i mean? I want to be able to look back and know that they were aware of my love for them and that i did a lot for them. I guess no matter what, because i'm a teenager, i'll always be making mistakes to wrong them somehow. So no matter what, i'll always look back and wish i did things differently. From spending more time with them, showing them that i love them more, helping them out more, or being a better me to make them happy.

So i try to do what i can. I think about my mom a lot. She's always in my mind. I never want to make her upset because when i do, i just feel so disappointed in myself. Because whenever i make her upset, i know that it's because i'm not keeping her in mind. When i make her upset, it's usually over things that she doesn't let me do. It's the young girl with in me that just simply doesn't want to be treated like a kid anymore. It's the young girl in me that wants to be let free...because i'm growing up. I'm not the type of child that angers my parents often. It's only once in a while that it would happen. I mean i could get annoyed of her. But my mom and i never really fight. We don't usually argue with each other or yell at one another. My mom and i are very alike though. We're very sensitive to things. I make sure that every time i have a chance, i'll tell her i love her. Whether she accepts it or not. I'll give her a kiss and hug her. Because at one point in my life, as i was growing out of my little little girl stage of life, i stopped doing that. I stopped coming into her room each night before bed and giving her and my dad a kiss and telling them goodnight. I stopped going out with them because i guess i felt like i'm too old for that. Then eventually...i grew out of the "i'm too old for that" and started doing it again. I'd hold my mom when we go out, let her know i appreciate her because you're never too old for that. I just want to make my parents happy and i don't want to disappoint them because when i upset them i feel like i failed some how, and that's quite upsetting to me...

I show all this love to my mom as much as i can. My problem is, no matter how much i want to show the same amount of love to my dad, i just can't. I don't know why. Well, i guess because we just can't connect. He also doesn't understand much. I'm not even sure if he even cares whats going on in my life. It makes me so sad that i can't share anything with him. It makes me sad that i'd actually sit around and think sometimes that his thoughts of me don't matter because i don't interact with him...that maybe he doesn't care much about me. Then sometimes i'd sit and observe my parents while they're at the dinner table or something and i'd look at my dad and i'd just see such sweetness in him as i do with my mom. Such joy and love in his eyes. And i see that he does care about his kids, its us that doesn't give him the chance to care. Out of all my siblings, i'm the one that talks to him the least. My brother doesn't talk to him much either, and nor does my sister, but they still can talk to him whenever they want. I don't know why i can't. I just can't. I find my dad to be so full of life...and love. Even if he doesn't show it. I love that he's just so...him. I don't know. I wish i could show him that i love him more. I wish it was as easy to let him know as it is with my mom. Because i fucking know that when i grow up and look back, this will be the one thing that i'll regret the most. And i'll really hate myself for not doing things differently with him. I already do hate myself for not doing things differently with him....but i don't even know how i can change this.

I didn't even let him know Happy Father's day this year...my family didn't even celebrate it. I feel like my family doesn't really appreciate my father as much as we should. Like i don't see the appreciation at all. I don't see the gratefulness or anything. He's done so much for me, and i can't even show him how much i'm grateful for him. I feel like we underestimate what he's capable of. He has such a big heart, and is so kind. He does things for everyone, and wants the best for all of us, and i feel like my siblings and i don't realize it as much as we should...

I feel sad for him, cause i wonder how he feels about this...

I love my dad...i hope he knows that.

Day to Myself

I'm such a shy person, i've always kind of been. Especially towards people i don't really know. Once you get to know me, i guess then it's a different story.

I learned to become to used to just being quiet. I can just be in a room full of people and not talk. I learned how to just sit there and not speak to anyone...and just close everyone out so it's just me and my thoughts. This shyness would have to be one of the characteristics about myself that i don't like so much. It can get annoying to me sometimes because i'd want to make friends, connect with people, and just seem like i'd actually be enjoyable to be around. I can't really do that though. It takes much more for me i guess.

I can be really stubborn. Once i'm upset, i don't want to listen to anyone. I don't want to do anything anyone asks me to do. I don't care what they want at that moment...it's just me.

Can't exactly explain what my mood is today. For some reason i'm a little bit down. I think part of it is that my mom and i have bad vibes between each other...even though i'm lightweight on speaking terms with her, but it's not anything good when we say something to each other. Then the other part of it is that i'm not going to be seeing my boyfriend today. I think that's what makes me even more down. The crazy part is that i could actually just go see him right now, but i simply don't want to. Because i'm upset. I'm not even upset towards him...

I'm really actually upset with myself. And i'm just killing myself over the fact that i'm being to selfish towards him, and i'm putting my anger out on him. I'm trying not to, but i don't know why i am. I don't know why i'm being so hard headed and selfish with him. I really want to see him too...but i can't get myself to go. Cause for some reason, i feel like once i go see him, i just wont want to speak.

I'm locked in my own head right now. All i want to do is be alone. I just want to be by myself with my thoughts, and music. Pondering my thoughts, and reflecting on my feelings. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything with anyone, or be around people for that matter. Being with him would be the exception, but i still can't do that.

What sucks even more, is that my bad mood, is putting him in a bad mood. And here he is telling me how stubborn and selfish i am. Which is putting me in an even worse mood, but it's true. And i'm sorry that i am...i hate myself sometimes.

From the moment i woke up this morning, i already felt like today wasn't going to be such a great day. It had a bad start. Already i wanted to just be doing shit by myself. Boyfriend was too busy to spend one of his only days off of work with me. For once i wished i had work so i can keep my mind busy. Ended up wandering around the mall by myself for a while. Just spending countless hours in each store. Wandering in and out. Spending unnecessarily.

Now he wants me to go see him, and even though i really want to...i don't want to.

I hate myself for being this way. He doesn't deserve this at all cause he's nothing but good to me, and i can't even do him that one favor. What's wrong with me. And now i'm sitting here complaining about myself, and i'm not even doing anything to fix it. What the fuck is wrong with me right now.

I want to go out for a run...but i think i'm just going to go sleep.

Movies

Went on a "triple date" on Monday with Christina, Tina, Me and our boyfriends. First time i've ever really done anything like that. However, it was more like a double date for them, and a little movie night for babe and me. We went to the Drive-ins and watched Friends With Benefits. We took two cars because Tina's truck couldn't fit all six of us. Not comfortable at least. So then Steven drove, and we sat in the car together as the other four sat in the back of Tina's truck together and watched the movie. I haven't spent time with them in so long. Been busy with my life, i guess.

That's the first time i've ever brought one of my guys out anywhere to meet my SJ friends. Okay, i mean he's met Trung...okay, he's the first guy that i've been with that has ever met any of my friends from SJ. That must mean something.

Hung out with Trung and his friends today. We snuck into the theaters. It was pretty thrilling, in a way...we weren't exactly being hella discreet about it though. We just stood outside the theaters near the doors and waited for people to come out so we could go in. We waited for a good half hour or so. We went in and started to watch Tekken in 3D. Trung somehow got all of us 3D glasses and we were sitting in the very front row. It wasn't even in 3D! At first, i thought it didnt work because we were sitting so close to the screen. Apparently, it actually just wasn't in 3D. They had to cancel the showing because the manager put in the wrong film for the movie. So everyone got their refund and a free movie ticket for the inconvenience. We ended up just movie hopping to another movie and ended up watching Bad Teacher. That was a good movie. I hella wanted to see it. Glad i got to see it for free. Heh. :)

It's been a nice couple of days even though i've been sick. My cough is definitely going away. I haven't been coughing too much tonight. I hope i don't though. I hate waking up in the middle of the night to cough. -_-

And i have work Thursday. Just waiting till the weekend so i can spend time with the boyfriend. I dont' have work this Saturday :)

♥

Rant

I attempted to use the email thing that this blogger site offers. Basically from my phone, i can text my blog to post blog posts. Well apparently we can only SMS and not MMS. I sat in my living room writing a blog post through MMS cause SMS has a limited amount of characters i can put. Anyways, my computer is down. That's why i was trying to write a post through MMS text, but it didn't work. So now i'm on my nieces laptop.

Its 1:50am. I have work tomorrow, and i think i'm sick. I've been sitting here for last half hour coughing up a lung or SOMETHING. It's killing me, and very annoying. I think i might have a throat infection according to Micko.

Well anyways. Babe just left my house right now...and yah, i'm aware that it's 1am. He left around one. Whenever he comes over though, he leaves at 1am. My mom is very much aware of that too. Well once he left and i got back into my house, my mom bitched at me like crazy. She yelled at me about the same stuff she's always talking to me about, except this time she actually yelled at me. I still don't really understand why she trips so hard. Okay, i mean i understand...but at the same time i don't. Does anyone get where i'm trying to go with this? Okay, well i just really wish that my mom could accept him and accept that i'm older now. I wish she could also realize that i'm responsible...and i'm not going to fuck up. I mean, i'm aware that no one ever plans for an accident to happen, they just happen.. So i suppose its sort of hard for me to just say nothing is going to happen...that's why we set ourselves up to prevent that kind of thing, right?

My mom was telling me that i can't fuck up my life. That i need to focus on my studies and stop fucking around. I can't be so hung up on this boy. I can't spend so much time with him. First time ever that i actually referred to him towards my mom as my boyfriend. She was telling e that he's just a friend, and friends CAN hang out with each other, but there is a limit of much time one can spend with another person...so i meant i went and questioned her why the hell i can't spend time with my boyfriend. In her point of view i spend time with him too excessively. Even though he's always working, or i'm working. The few times a week i actually do get to see him, that's when she trips.

Can anyone help me out here? Can someone give me advice on how to get my mom to ease up on my love life...because this is the first boy that my mom has actually seen continuously as my boyfriend.

The other day, i asked her why she doesn't like him. She actually said that she doesn't like him. I don't think she really means it like that though...more like a protective kind of "i don't like him". All she said was that it's because i spend too much time with him.

Out of curiosity, i asked her if she liked my ex. She only saw him a couple of time. Probably 2 or 3 times if anything. He never really wanted to come around. She said that she didn't like him because we fought and he made me cry a lot. Now that's a legitimate reason because she saw how much he would constantly hurt me emotionally.

But babe is so sweet to me. I wish she would just understand that. I wish she knew how happy he makes me because he really does make me so happy. I've never had anyone treat me so well and i'm so grateful to have him. I wish my mom would just realize how happy i am, and be happy for me. i wish she would realize that i'm not a little girl anymore and i can take care of myself. And on top of that, i know my priorities...

She just doesn't understand. Will she ever?...
It's like no one in my family really does.

Feel Love

I have a good feeling about this one. I mean, not like i didn't about the last ones...I just have an even great feeling about this one. He's kind of the only person in my life right now that makes me really happy. He's sort of the only person that i'd actually drop anything for. (at least to the best of my ability) He's at the top of my priority list, next to my family of course.

He's the sweetest. :p

We were watching What Women Want on TBS. I watched it already, and it really the only thing on TV that was merely interesting to watch. I'm not sure if he even enjoyed it because it was a chick flick, but he already got to watch his boy movie prior to watching this while i was washing the dishes. Not always what he wants...

I never really take pictures with guys that i like or whatever. I don't know why. One of the reasons is that i'm not really all the big on taking pictures. As in, i don't really carry a camera around with me or i never even think about taking pictures to begin with. I'm down to be in the picture while someone else is photographing me, but not me taking pictures of myself with other people. Does that make any sense? I mean, i don't have anything against it. It's not like i don't like doing it, i guess it just never comes to mind...that's what i mean.

We took a picture through cameraroid, and fucking the thing froze and decided not to save the one picture that i actually liked the most! I was so disappointed...we couldn't capture another picture like it, just wasn't the same.

Feel Love | Sean Garret ft. Drake

I heard this song on the radio today as i was driving home.

I like it. Mmmm :p

♥

♥ ♥ ♥

Brown Eyes - Destiny Childs

I feel like this song is just perfect...

Gosh i'm such a...i'm not even sure the word to explain myself...

Is it weird that he makes me really happy? Sometimes i feel that i might scare him away if im all over him...i don't know, like i may seem "too clingy" or something. I mean, i've experienced that first hand when someone was all over me, i just wasn't feeling it. I mean i guess it's a different situation here cause he's actually my boyfriend. I guess i shouldn't really hold back on how i feel about anything, because if he was to leave me because i happened to show too much affection towards him...well then that's his loss. Correct? Hell yeah.

He's really the sweetest though. He treats me well, and i'm really glad i've met him. Even though sometimes i sit and wonder how we even began because when you look at the two of us...well i'm not even sure. But judging me, he just doesn't seem like the type of guy i'd ever fall so hard for. Yet i did. I'm lucky to have him, and hopefully i'm great enough towards him to make him feel like he's lucky to have me.

This past week was just the best. Too bad it just went by too quickly. I swear when you're enjoying your time, time just goes by so fast. He had the whole week of work off, and i didn't have to work either. I'd wake up and see him, then he leaves for class, and then i get to see him till my mom comes out and makes him leave. 5 days straight. But now its back to work for him...

I'm trying to find another job or something though. Either a second job or just a better paying job. I'm really tired of retail though, that's for sure.

Babe just came over right now and we were watching Pretty Woman. It's a oldie with Julia Roberts in it. It's pretty good! And well he had to leave early to go home and talk to his dad...but i'll get to see him tomorrow.

Baby, i'm going to treat you so nice; you're never going to want to let me go..

He makes my heart melt. :p

♥

The Irony Of Love?

Loving the right person at the wrong time or having the wrong person when the time is right; finding out you love someone after that person walks out of your life. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because of the absence of love, but because love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much, and the other was being loved too little. Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love, but to only discover that for them we are just for past times. While the one who truly loves us remains either your friend or a stranger.

When you think of your past love; you may view it as a failure; but when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn’t really matter who won or who lost. What’s important is that you know when to hold on and when to let go. You know that you love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if their happiness means that you’re not apart of it. Everything happens for a reason and for its best. If the person you love doesn’t love you back, don’t be afraid to love someone else again, for you’ll never know unless you give it a try.

You’ll never truly love a person, unless you risk for their love; love strives in hurting. If you don’t get hurt, then you won’t learn how to love. Love doesn’t hurt all the time; though the hurting is there to test you, to help you grow. Don’t find love, let love find you; that’s why it’s called falling in love, because you don’t need to force yourself to love, you just fall. You cannot finish a book without closing the chapters. If you want to move on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. But why is it that the greatest irony of love is letting go when you want to hold on, and holding on when you need to let go? You can never find the right person if you can never let it go of the wrong, but at the same time the moment you feel like letting go, you remember why you held on for so long. Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

To love is to risk rejection, to live is to risk dying and to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all. To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self. To love is to risk not being loved in return.

How to define love: Fall but don't stumble. Be constant but not too persistent. Share and never be unfair. Understand and try not to demand. Hurt but never keep the pain.

Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom; whom they choose to be and where they choose to go. Loving someone means giving them the freedom to find their way, whether it leads towards you or away from you

Love can be a painful risk. To love means that risk must be taken, no matter how scary or painful, for only then will you experience the fullness of humanity of what we call love. If you’re not ready to cry, if you’re not ready to take the risk and if you’re not ready to feel the pain, then you’re not ready to fall in love.

*Source: Unknown

Co Workers

Been working a lot this week. I didn't go to work yesterday for personal issues, and i think i might have gotten a write up for it. I guess it's whatever, i can't do much about it if i couldn't go in right?

This morning i was feeling like shit when i woke up, i'm sure what the reason was but part of it was probably because of my menstrual cramps. Couldn't get anyone to cover my shift for me, so i just had to go in. It was alright, because i survived. I suppose it was a good thing i went into work today though. For various of reasons. Such as, i got new shoes, and went out to dinner with my co workers. I'm not sure if getting new shoes is even a good thing. Okay, i didn't even get shoes. I bought booties. You know, the boots with the heels. But they're not like thigh high/knee high boots, they're cute little ankle boots. The'y're pretty cute. I've been wanting a pair of booties for the longest time now! But i totally just got them on a whim. It's kind of a you gotta have them kind of thing...but then now i'm not even sure when/where i'll ever even wear them! So i'm so sad. It's not regular to just walk around in heels...for the hell of it, you know? That's kind of strange. Especially when i see other girls do it, in my mind i'm just thinking what the hell are you doing girl...? But some girls can actually pull that kind of shit off, you know, wearing heels around like its a normal thing. I definitely don't think i can't do that. I don't have that kind of "swag". Bahah. I don't know. I'll think long and hard about it, i might just end up returning them. Which is such a shame...but they were only 35 dollars. :x

Went out to Applebees with co-workers today for a birthday dinner for Jessica (one of my co-workers) at first i was kind of thinking how strange it is because i barely even know her. But i just went cause it seemed like a work kind of thing. It was alright, not bad. I split the 2 for $20 special with Lisa and Gigi. Good deal indeed. :) Hehe. The host guy was hella weird! I swear he was hella tryna flirt with all of us. Hella eavesdropping into our conversation and tryna talk to us. Weirdo. The food was alright, it could have been better...

Kay, i don't really have much to say about the dinner. It was pretty interesting seeing my co-workers away from where i usually always see them. I'm not too comfy with them, but i guess over time i will be? I don't know. I don't even plan to be there long. I guess, after all, i am only seasonal.

Going to go rest now. Hopefully i get to see my babe tomorrow before work.

♥

I <3 kathy nguyen!

**hacked haha**

Wrong side of the bed

I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
Kind of just got up feeling indefinite...is that even the correct usage of the word?

I got up slightly early so i can get ready for work before it got any hotter. It's been way too hot these past few days. I get so lazy that i don't even want to do anything. Afterwards, i sat down in my living room...and well i just sat there! I sat there and just thought about stuff. Wasn't really in the mood for much. Didn't even have the appetite to have breakfast or lunch.

Head off to work, and work was just a drag. Since i started off my day bad, for no reason really, i was just not feeling work at all. But my mind was not in it. I swear i was trying to help customers but i just ended up hella slurring and stuttering...it was kind of embarrassing. I tried not to really talk to customers because for some reason i couldn't really even help them even if i tried! And this vietnamese lady and her friend hella pissed me off, i almost yelled at her. Since i'm Vietnamese, i understood exactly what they were saying, and they were just being hella rude in Vietnamese. Like, they were talking about me to each other. I was not having it. They kept referring to me as this word in Vietnamese that basically signified that they had no respect for me, and it was just rude. I guess it's whatever that they're strangers but what bitches they were. I just got hella irritated that when she said something in Vietnamese referring to me, i just replied back to her in Vietnamese in a hella irritated tone to get her to shut the fuck up. She seemed shocked that i was actually Vietnamese.

Basically, yah. That's it. I was not in the mood for anything.

After work i went shopping though. I just wanted to buy stuff. Just to pass time as i waited for babe to get off of work. Went down to Fremont to see Lisa, and some people came through so i got to say Hello. To top off my bad day, my ex even showed up. I don't know why but i didn't say hi. I wanted to just because i didn't want us to be on bad terms, but gosh i don't know. He was with his new lady and the bitch that hit Lisa. Didn't want to be around them at all. Babe came by to get me and we went and just ate. I guess the last part of my day was pretty good cause i got to see him.

He's my sunshine on a cloudy day...

♥

Twisted

Cause i love my babe.

Photo

Why is it that the pictures that aren't "posed" or whatever, happen to be my favorite...

I guess the pictures where i'm not really cheesin' it happen to be the ones i like most.

I don't really like my smile that much, i just realized...

Don't know why, but i like this picture. :p

July 4, 2011

Holidays like this, it's nice to spend the nice summer night with your significant other under the stars watching the fireworks blast into the night sky.

First July 4th that i have a boyfriend. Would have been nice to spend the first july 4th with a boyfriend actually watching the fireworks. Too bad he's at a party right now, and i'm just at home watching Eagle Eye. I don't even want to go out because i'm not in the greatest mood to be honest.

I never even go and watch fireworks for July 4th though anyways, so it's whatever. Not trippin. Maybe i'm expecting too much out of him. Maybe.

I'm not so confident.

Sometimes i'd look at myself and i'd just think that i'm not as pretty as people think i am. It's weird that people think i'm pretty, or even gorgeous because i really don't even see it.

Have you ever heard that saying where it's like, if you're pretty when you're young then you're probably going to be ugly when you're older and vice versa? For some reason when i was younger and my ugly awkward stage of life, people thought i was just the cutest little thing...looking back i was hella fucking ugly i swear. I think now i'm just average. So how did i manage to get Senior Hottie my senior year of highschool? I do not know.

I'm okay. I'm decent. Like i said, i'm average. I don't do much with myself. Especially not anymore. I barely to my hair, i don't wear much makeup. Just the basic eye stuff like any other girl and then some blush. To be honest, i'm satisfied with the way i look. Really, i am.

I guess right now, i'm in one of those moods. I just don't feel so great about myself and i'm feeling rather ugly. I wish that i can just absolutely love myself. I don't really love myself.

Sometimes when i'm driving, and i'm in a bad mood, i think about what it'd be like to just drive into something. The other night i was driving home and i realized to myself that it definitely is a scary thing to die. It's just a scary thought. You know, death? Can't imagine just suddenly not breathing, seeing the beauty of the world, hearing the great sounds of your surroundings, not being able to smell the fresh air. Can't imagine the darkness...beneath your eyelids. That eventually your mind stops thinking...you wont even know that you're dead. You wont remember any of the pains you've been through, any of the happiness in your life. All the memories would have just vanished, just like that. I realized that although it is scary that you're going to die eventually, it'll be okay because when it actually happens you wont even know that you're gone. You'll just be gone...you wont be able to see what people's lives are like after you're gone or even how they'll feel about that fact. That's just how it is, and i think i accepted death. It's something that's just going to happen and when it happens, you wont even know. I'm not as scared anymore...

imo

First of all, everyone reacts to certain things differently. All girls are different and not all guys are the same. Do you get what i mean? What i'm trying to say that...well, not everyone likes the same type of things. You may like strawberries but your dream girl probably just despises them because for some crazy reason she's weird and doesn't like delicious sweet things. You may hate swimming but her probably is afraid of giant bodies of water and cant stand it...Something may make someone irritated, but it could probably piss someone else off like no other. Such as for her if you smoke, she'll break up with you. For some other girl, if you smoke she probably wont care too much.

Basically, what i'm really trying to say is...well here's some friendly advice from the courtesy of the opinionated section of my mind. Don't tell your girl that the reason she's mad is a stupid reason. There are many reasons for that.

1. If she's mad over it, and actually shows it or i don't know is bothered by whatever you do then to her it is something worth getting mad over.

2. Thinking that the reason that she's mad at you is stupid, is like saying she's stupid for being mad. Aren't you suppose to be making her feel better, not even more upset? Never say someone's stupid for being mad. It's never stupid...okay, never say never.

3. I don't know what i'm saying, it's different for everyone really. Really is.

Okay, how about this. If you're ever with me and you're trying to make me get over it/feel better don't ask me why i'm mad and then proceed on telling me that that was a stupid reason to be mad. You idiot.

A little off

Opened at ALDO for the first time today. I much rather open than close though. I got lucky today cause my coworker wanted to switch shifts with me. I had to wake up hella early, but i guess it was worth it. The first hour of work was just super chill. Closing is definitely hard work, especially on top of a long busy day of work. Today was probably the best work day i've ever had! Not even lying. I guess i was just in a good mood at work, and it went by pretty quick. I didn't make my sale goal, so that's disappointing.

I have to work almost everyday next week too. Everyday except Monday and Wednesday. Such a bummer because i probably wont even be able to see babe that much next week because of that. I have to work on the only two days that he has off. I wish he could take Monday off and work Friday instead so he can spend time with me on Monday since i'm working tomorrow. Oh well i guess. Not that easy to do something like that.

These past few days though, i've been pretty moody as fuck. I guess i'm having intense mood swings but thing is, i'm not even on my period. I have such a short temper...but its mostly around my boyfriend. I keep thinking to myself as i sit there quietly irritated that i really don't want a relationship like my lasts...so i try to just breath and get over it. But i can't help but get hella annoyed about certain things...but i mean at least when i'm getting irritated, it's for a legit reason. Swear.

My mom's bothering me again. I don't want to keep complaining about what she has to say about babe and me, but its seriously getting on my nerves...you all see where i'm coming from right? It's bizarre. Like, it's starting to get me mad. I really don't know how explain to her what it's like for me. Because she's really afraid i'm going to mess up...but i want to assure to her that its not even like that. She thinks i'm too young and him and i are just friends so i shouldn't even be so close to him...i guess maybe she's in denial that he's my boyfriend. She never said anything about my ex. Maybe cause he was Asian and i told her that he went to Mission with me. Damn, judgmental or what. Who knows what shes really thinking inside her head though. I wish i knew. I wish i could figure it out...I want to explain to her what's on my mind when she's lecturing to me, but i can't find the nerve to do that because it's a little scary. It's weird to tell my mom that he's my boyfriend. Just give it to her. Lay it all out onto the table and explain to her that its not 1980s anymore or something. I don't know. I'll you all posted, whoever you all are...

Today after work as i was about to get into my car, this African American lady standing two cars away from me yelled out "Excuse me, excuse me!" I looked over at her and she was coming towards me holding a card. At first i thought she was trying to promote me something so i was kind of just going to try and get her to leave me alone. Then she starts telling me this story. We were standing in front of Chipotle and some salad/soup buffet. She was holding her drivers license in her hand and telling me how she was from Hayward. I really didn't know what she trying to tell me. She explained to me how she was from Hayward, and then she pointed at the buffet place and Chipotle and told me that she knows how they throw out food at the end of each day, but they wont give her any food. She proceeded on saying that she's homeless, and really hungry but the restaurants told her that that can't give her food because they don't want to be liable for her sickness or whatever. I don't even know. Then she went on telling me about her daughter that was waiting for her at the bus stop with some security guy. (i guess that's just suppose to make me feel even worse for her) well i guess by then i picked up that she wanted me to buy her food. I was thinking in my head like...damn, she wants Chipotle...cause the lady pointed at it! I suggested Mcdonalds, cause i'm down to buy her some stuff from the dollar menu. But she goes on telling me that her daughter is Diabetic and she doesn't want her to be eating that stuff...now that i'm writing that, should she be picky? Because...if you're starving, i'm sure you're going to need to eat whatever you can. But i'm not sure. I don't know how diabetes work. Anyways, i guess i was in a pleasant mood so i just went and bought her some Chipotle. What's wrong with me. She said she's alright with just a Taco, but then then in my head i was like how you and your daughte bouta be okay on some tacos? So i just got her a bowl so they can share is cause that stuff is hella satisfying for me. I'm not sure if he daughter even really exists because you tell someone you're tryna keep your kid alive and i'm sure that they'll give in...maybe. I hella wanted to go see to make sure she had a kid, but that didn't wrk out too well for me. I was going to get her some soda, cause i get free soda at Chipotle but then she wanted juice from a bottle that i then had to pay for. I felt really good after that i bought her some food though, she thanked me and gave me a hug. I really hope she wasn't scamming me, but would randomass poor people just go up to people and ask them to buy them food? That's weird. Then again, there are weirdass people out there. Now as i'm sitting here, i should have just given her a couple of dollars and sent her off...but i guess now i know she ate and didn't spend some money on drugs. Damn, i dont even know her. Who knows what her life is like. I just wont buy myself lunch tomorrow when i go to work. I need to stop buying food when i'm at work though anyways. I keep doing that and when i do that i think to myself "this is one hour of me working my ass off. I spent too much money on food today, no bueno. I spend too much money on food all the time actually, definitely no bueno.

I got the cutest shoes today too at ALDO. Heh.

So i guess babe is coming over now to see me, even though i was just in Fremont to see him for two hours. I left cause i was hella bored just sitting there watching him and his homeboys do their thing...with his dog in my lap. I was bored out of my mind and got irritated that he had me come to Fremont just to have me sit there. That was bullshit. However, i do believe i can try harder to get to know his friends, but you all know how hard that is for me cause i'm so damn shy.

I need to get past these mood swings though, i'm up and down. All day. Its bothering me. -__-

Deuces

"Too comfortable"

So apparently, my whole family thinks that i'm "too comfortable" with babe. This definitely just mind boggles me. But, i suppose i get where they're coming from...kind of?

1.They're not used to seeing me with a guy

2.I'm not used to being so "comfortable" with a guy in front of my family.

I'm too young to be comfortable with a guy, because this will lead to me thinking something stupid. I might think i love him or something. I'm too young for love?

Thinking about it...i don't even know actually! Silly teenage relationships.

I guess.

Anyways, babe is over again. He wont let me watch House, and now he's laying on the floor watching S.W.A.T with Jedi. I'm not paying attention because i have no interest. What is this even about? o_o

We're going to Boiling Crab later. :)

Yayay. I'm excited.

Then i have work tomorrow morning 9am-5pm

Boo. I don't like work. My dream is that one day as i'm older, i wont have to work. I can just stay home and relax an take care of things that need to get taken care of while my wonderful husband goes off and makes money. That's just my dream. My goal is to work hard and be successful for myself so i wont have to depend on anyone. I think i just contradicted myself.

Kay, i'm going to go make babe some noodles.

♥