Make Me Feel Alive

I
Want
To
Shoot
Myself.
--

Because i feel dead right now.
So out of it.
I want to go and do something out of character...i want to ~!@#$%. I want my mind to be out of space, the great feeling of...mmm...

TAKE ME!!!

Make plans with me, take me! Take me, take me! I really want to go.
Pleaase accompany me to go watch this movie. It looks so so cute.



He's so fluffy i'm gonna die!

Wow. Wow. Wow. Tell me that wasn't super cute. I can't wait, i have to go watch this in 3D.
I HAVE TO. AHHHH.

Who wants to come with? The more the merrier. Or how bout we just make this a date. (;
Hehe.

Oh what? ._.

So i just went onto Blogspot, and i was just about to sign onto my account to write a post. Apparently, i was already signed on, just not onto my account. Turns out Lena was signed onto Blogspot with her account. So what? Woooah. Hold up a second there, Lena has a blog?

Woah. Just took me back a little bit. Guess you can never start too young huh?
That would be pretty cool if she keep hat blog up till she's older. Online diary you know.
Only except, i get to read it. Hehe. I'm not going to tell her i found it, in case she decides to hide it somehow. Hey its what she gets for using my computer to log onto her blog.

This is nice, i get to keep a close watch on her. I know for sure that she probably wont like the thought of that. So i'll sush bout it.

But tell me this, why in the world does my little 10 year old niece have a blog, that looks 10x better than mine?! That's a bit embarrassing. :x I was going to put up a link of her blog on here, but i took a second thought about it...just cause her blog looks so much nicer than me. Aha.

I think its just because she has a really cool music player on her page. Psh, whatever...i can have that too. & Maybe i will! Cause i found a new song i like today. (:

Gosh Lena though...seems to be so mature for her age. Its amazing...she's like a little tiny teenage, i swear. I think she's cooler than i am. ):

She has good taste in music. Wow. I'm impressed.

Aww. Tears (':
Baby girl, all grown up. Hehe.

Definitely bookmarking this.

Disregard this.

I don't know what it is, its something i can't really explain...
Hm...for some strange reason, i'm a bit moody. I feel a bit depressed, very unhappy & i don't know what the problem is. Its bothering me. -_- Ever have that feeling? Sadness and not even knowing why...

Right now, i am bothered by the littlest things. Kind of just want to scream. -- cause sometimes screaming can release stress...i think. Too bad i can't just do that right now or i'll sound like something is attacking me.

I went into my moms room earlier. She's in bed with my dad, watching something on tv, not sure what. I laid next to her and hugged her. Then i start tearing up a little, got filled with sadness...gave her a kiss and left. There's a problem there, and i'm not sure what's wrong. I fear for my life...after my parents are gone. I really really fear it. But then who doesn't right? It seems like its the end of the world, to think about it. So then i ask myself why do i do that to myself and think about such things for. Because right now i'm being a pessimist. There's still such a long way to go till that time comes, and i'm thinking about it already. Of course it'll make me sad. I was thinking that i need to show her i appreciate her more often before i can't anymore and i'll just be full of regrets. And then i looked over at my dad and realized that as much as i want to show that i love him, i can't. Because my dad and i don't have that kind of relationship, and thats just unfortunate isn't it?

My life right now is kind of like...going up a hill. What i mean is, it can either go up, or down .I can fall or rise. Go up the hill or slide down it. Be at the peak, or fall to the bottom. Sad or Happy. Thats the best way i can compare it. People ask me, "How's life?" and though i say its good, it really could be better. It could be...

I'm very disappointed in myself.
I wonder what has happened to me.
I really wish, what happened this year didn't happen. I feel like a wreck sometimes when i think about it. Not exactly...you know how i say i'm lonely, its not necessarily because i'm single and don't have a man around to keep me stable. Its more like the fact that i lost all my lady friends. Its slightly lonely. Its embarrassing to admit that. Admit that i'm lonely because i have no girl friends.

Everyone is so caught up in their life, i think thats another reason why i'm just a bit out of it. Because i expect everyone to be at this level with me. A level of ease...carefree, careless? But then if i stop to think, everyone is just busy. I'm not busy. I'm busy with my non existing life. I want to talk to Christina, and Tram and...well whoever, but everyone is busy. I don't blame them, i blame myself for not being busy too.

You know what i feel like my life is going to end up being like? See right now, i'm young and happy. Thinking that, Fuckit, life is short. I do what i want , when i want. Living life to the fullest. Not caring about what really matters, and what is helpful in the long run. Thats how i think. And its all just going to backfire, and as i'm having fun wit my youthful life right now the way i'm living it, i'm goign to be miserable when i get older. The sad part is, i think being happy when i'm older is way more thrilling than being happy now and depressed later. You know? All the stress and sadness as an older person, isn't good. Currently i'm just sad....then when i get older i'm going to be sad. I guess i'm going to be sad my whole life.


This post is embarrassing. I don't even want to post it. But i spent this whole time writing this, i might as well. -_-

Wow...

How can you go about your life, looking at us...and pretend like you did nothing at all to harm us?
You're fooling yourself, you're fooling me. I see you and i don't see what you did wrong. I don't see it because this time i wasn't the victim in it. I much rather wish that i was though. You don't understand what you have done. You don't get it, how you have hurt us. All of us. If you weren't family, you definitely would not be around anymore.

Its painful to think about, to know.
And to know that i am the origin of it all. I am the cause of the pain and the hurt. Why you're angry.
It starts from me, then it escalates to something else.

Sometimes i think that i ask for too much. I'm afraid i'll turn out like you. Selfish, careless...self centered. Because sometimes when things are hard, i only think about myself and what i want. Of course its not too late to fix my habit. As for you, you need help.

Just stop and think about what she has done for you, what they have done for you. Everything they have given you, and you still give them shit.

Its unbelievable really.

Writer's Block

I would be so flattered. I would love it. It would be nice...
If my guy (if i had a guy) was to beat down some guy saying "stay away from my girl!"

How sweet, he cares. Hehe.
Then again...too violent? I don't know. I just saw it happen on this show and i thought it was hella cute. Hehe.

Tough but Sweet. mmmm.

I have to write a magazine article about the microwave as if i was in the 1940s writing about how it was just invented. This is tough. I hate writer's block ,when i can't find words to fill up a blank page. This is always a problem for me. :l

Been at it for the whole day. So many distractions, and still a blank page document.

Sneaking Out

I remember when we were friends, a few years back.
Back when we were young and foolish, doing the craziest things.

Freshman & Sophomore year -
When sneaking out was just the greatest thing ever. Because it was so thrilling and fun to do. Although we couldn't drive, and had nothing to do, we would sneak out anyways. Had no where to go so we would just go to each other's house or sit at the playground in Mission Valley...lay on that little bridge and talk all night. If i think back to it, its like wow...why would we even do that?

You would come over to my house when everyone fell asleep.
Come over, we wouldn't even do anything in my house because we can't make too much noise. We would spend all night whispering. Then fall asleep and you would wake up in the morning before the sun goes up, before people wake up, and run home. Because we only lived a few blocks away from each other.

Haha. Good times! Like my one friend said once before

You guys are so lesbian, you can't get enough of each other or what? I mean, you guys sneak out at night just to sleep with each other.

It was fun though. Haha, gotta admit! Just silly how we would do that, just because you know? The thrill. To think about it, its really funny. What a nice memory that is.

I used to sneak out a lot back then. Just for no reason. Got caught and stopped.
The thrill of my lifetime. Hehe.

:l

Had a nice time today, spent it with my sister and Lena. I love Sundays with them.

I feel like i am the cause of all the trouble in my family, and it kind of just makes me sad. My sister and i were talking about it today - not me being the cause of it, just how my family is struggling through so much right now.

I feel like...i'm loosing everything. Loosing a lot.
People are drifting off, and its not pleasant.

Sometimes i just hate the environment that i am in.

Next Saturday i have Work + Charity event. My sister really needs my help and i feel like i really should go help out at the charity event. And then i think about it and it pisses me off...part of me wants to help and part of me doesn't even want to deal with anything anymore. If i go to the charity thing, its to go and help out. Not to go and socialize. Because that's what it was for me at first, with spc...go and see my friend & be involved also. Now i just don't want to do anything.

I have to figure out how i can do both. Work and help.

Its going to be a stressful week, i have so much to do. :(

Industrial

Went to Berkley with Elvis, Micko, Rio, and Lisa today.
Haha, those kids are hella fun to be around. I've just been laughing my ass off all day, to a point where i almost pissed in my pants. Rofls. :x
We went to T-Rex it was a nice place. The building was red hehe. Lisa and i always share our food, but this time we decided to get two separate meals and split it to share it. More food and variety for us! Ordered the T-Rex Burger and Some Chicken Sandwhich thing, the name was too complex for me to remember. It was pretty good, not the best though. Everything was freshly made, seemed like the chips that came with my meal was made too. The food really satisfied me though, kept me full all day. I'm still not that hungry right now, that's a first huh?

T-rex(above) & Chicken Sandwhich(below)! (:

I was finally able to go to Zebras to get my piercings today. Got an Industrial and my second cartilage. I wasn't planning on getting my second cartilage but since they had that special offer thing for cartilage piercings, i thought why not? Since i'm here anyways and i've been wanting it. Lisa got her third cartilage also.

Don't know if you can see it...i tried to change the contrast of the picture to make it more visible. Stupid floppy ear. My second cartilage is the little black dot below the silver thing. It was suppose to be a red stud, but they gave me a black one. I didn't even notice that it was black till i got home. I pretty sad. :(

Teehee. I like my Industrial. To be honest though, that piercing hurt. -_- At first i had on a straight face and when the needle went through it was just like ah wtf?! O_O Man. After it was done, both of my ears were just kind of burning. I felt like my ear got stabbed or something. I had my hair up and the wind blowing against my ear didn't help the pain very much. I just wanted to squish two ice cream cones against my ears...Its okay now, stinging a little bit, but its alright. Good luck sleeping tonight Kathy. Haha.

We were walking to Zebras and i saw this guy walking into Washington Mutual. He was tall, short hair, dressed nice. I didn't see his face or anything, just the side of his face and then his back. I SWEAR he looked just like Chip! I actually called out to him. I was like "CHIIP?!?!" His friend kind of looked at me...and i was kind of just like what the hell that guy looks just like him. Lisa was like what? And then i saw his shoes...Chip would never wear vans. At least he doesn't wear them. So i guess it wasn't him, cause i was just about to call the guy up to say that i see him. LOL. It was kind of embarrassing, but then Lisa was like "At least you said 'Chip', they probably just thought you wanted some chips or something..." That kind of just cracked me up. Who knew what the two guys were thinking, but that was funny what she said. Then Micko proceeded in making fun of me about that. Don't know why, but that was just really funny...

Tomorrow my mom is going to be waking me up at 6:30am. Shit, i don't know if i can do it. I guess that means i'm going to need to shower tonight instead of in the morning to save time. I need to go to some SPC thing to help out...and then i have work right after till late night. Its going to be a long long day. & i'm pretty tired right now, i'm ready to K.O.

My mom is finally letting me get a job. After all this time of me asking her, she's finally letting me get one. This time she told me to go get one instead. I was just getting myself some rice and she tells me i should/need to get a job. Says that i'm old enough now, but it's not just that. She wants me to have a job so i can occupy myself and not go out so often. I don't even go out that often, but i guess. Its about time. Haha. Job hunting time as soon as i get my Lic. Yee.

Goodnight, Dream Sweetly. <3

Today i,

Today after school i came home and settled in.
Lisa sent me a text of noodles and sausages saying: "Kathy...I know you're hungry", just to taunt me because she knows i don't really have food at home. All i have actually is ramen noodles. So after seeing that i decided to go look for some sausages and make ramen noodles with it. Took a while, but i found some. Haha. After seeing the picture, i just had to have some. After eating...i decided that maybe instead of sleeping, i'll do my homework. Which is exactly what i did from 4-7. Approximately 3 hours of homework. Amazing. I'm pretty amazed. I never really sat down and just did homework. I didn't have any of my distractions around me either - no laptop, no music, nothing. I sat in my dinning room and the table with Lena and made her do homework to. I don't really like doing homework by myself...i just find it easier for me to actually do work if i'm with other people who are doing work also. Because then, if i'm alone i feel like i am more likely to get distracted - or fall asleep.

Point is, i did my homework today. And most of it i didn't really need to do because its not necessarily due till, well whenever. Got it done though, and i'm pretty dang proud of myself. (:

Anyways....

My biotechnology teacher though. She's nice and all, but she can be a real bitch the majority of the time. I swear, she's like my mother. No, she's actually worse than my mother. Unlike my mother, she complains about how i dress. Not just me, but all the people in the class. And honestly, i don't think that what i wear is even "inappropriate" - I have no boobs to create cleavage to show...well that's about it. I think that's what she cares about. And she still trips. We aren't aloud to wear shorts. Guess she doesn't want to see our legs. Its pretty gay actually. Other stuff, like complaining about how we act. She gets fed up if we start laughing or giggling for our own amusement, telling us to stop and grow up already. Well all i have to say to that is "o_o wtf." Because really now, being in her class is bad enough. It wouldn't hurt to allow us to enjoy ourselves as we're in the class for two hours. She takes everything a bit too seriously. I don't know...you really have to experience a day with her for yourself to know what i'm talking about. When you do, then you'll know...i'm not just exaggerating. Aside from all this, she's a nice woman. She's just taking her teaching job to the next level. To have full authority on her students. I guess she can...but...ugh.

-

I wish i can be totally honest with myself as well as the rest of the world without being so judged. But of course, that's not possible because the world will forever be judgmental about everything.

If i can just say how i feel about everything, everyone...i think i might just feel a little bit better. I feel like i just need to let it out and let everyone know! So much burden within myself, its driving me a little bit insane.

143

How do people tell each other that they like each other now a days?
Do people even tell each other anymore actually? Or is it just based upon...how the two people act towards each other? The subtle hints...i don't know.

Its been a while since i've actually liked someone, so i wouldn't know how i would show my feelings towards someone personally. Maybe its kind of just like when the time is right, you'll know what to do kind of thing.

Its also been a while since someone has actually liked me. Or more like its been a while since someone has seriously liked me. I feel like i'm a little bit messed up in the mind, that i'm not really sure what morally correct anymore. What is morally correct in the form or love or lust...or whatever.

Its weird to hear something like..."I like you." Catches me off gaurd. And then what?
Its just been a while, and its weird for me. Weird...so weird.

I'll let you know what its like for me when someone tells me they like me. When that day comes, i'll let you know. To support this blog.

Pointless. Yet again.

I'm tired of guys disrespecting me.
Tired of playing all these silly games. Not even silly, they're just a waste of my time.
Tired of guys talking to me only because they want some sort of lovin' then leaving when all i want is to be friends.
Tired of getting mislead, and being misleading - not that i mean to be....
And then sometimes i wonder, if someone will come around and be true to me, and give me a chance. Will show me that i can give them a chance.

Its weird. My thoughts on things, on people are weird. My mind doesn't seem to be straight. Not proper.

I guess its about time that i put up some type of wall. Sucks that i'm so weak i can't keep it up that long. Something about trusting people too easily. That's something i don't like about myself. I let my guard down too soon.