Late Reflection

I was just looking back through my blog archive, and i noticed that last year (2013) i had the least amount of blog posts compared to all the other years (excluding 2007).

I was actually only just looking at the blog titles, and that's enough for me to just get the gist of what i  talked about in the post. Well it made me realize that 2013 was such a rocky roller coaster ride for me. It is the third month into 2014, and i am now just reflecting upon 2013 with a clear mind.

2013 started off with me newly single with that whole, "life is good, and i'm better off on my own" mentality. I was going out a whole lot, and eventually all that partying caught up to me and i got incredibly sick for the first time since freshman year of high school. My mother went to Vietnam, and left me at home with my dad for a month.

As i was recovering from my sickness, and a week or so after my mother left my ex came slithering back into my life slowly but surely. I was quick to forgive him, and allowed him back into my life -- with caution. It all seemed so right to me at the time. I felt so positive and reassured that everything was going to turn out great, because "we will be better" i said. I didn't want to have us be in anything that we weren't mutually okay with. So i remember saying to him, "I want you to be sure of this. I don't want you to hurt me again" and he told me that he was sure, that letting me go once was the biggest mistake of his life, and he would never do anything to jeopardize losing me again...

That was around late January or early February of last year. Through the motions we went of becoming us again. Not just us, but more like the new and improved us. Or so i thought so at least, or so i felt. Months went by, and things were great until something happened. I don't quite know what it was. Perhaps it was sudden absence that caused a shift in our parade. But just like it was previously in 2012, something that caused constant bad vibes caused a sudden confession of feelings that lead things to go down hill. And as i felt that things were going rocky, i felt myself grasping us with every bit of my being to only -- without anticipating it -- caused for him to suddenly out of no where confess something to me in October, that had my whole being come tumbling down in agony and despair.

In the midst of things, i found myself wanting to just forgive and forget. To let go and continue to love. Only to just continue to be shaken by the harsh reality of who this person that i've loved for so long really is. And then came the most emotionally stressful three months of my life, due to me being an idiot and saying that we should just continue to go to school together. I witnessed him trying to court another female, and it hurt me so deeply -- like a knife literally stabbing me in my chest -- but of course i tried to hide it under a mask and smile through the pain. After all, i was the one who allowed myself to be put through such misery. Where then i picked up smoking more frequently than usual, because being around him was too stressful for me to handle.

End of the quarter came, and i guess i became less mad at everything that happened between us. My mood shifted, and i became more calm. Just brushing off anything he had to say.

I then decided to redo my room and repainted my walls back to white. I wanted to just have my room pure again, and rid it of the terrible memories. Since i couldn't move, painting it was the best i could do. Perhaps i wasn't genuinely happy, but i found myself being more and more okay in the month of December.

Towards the end of December, i went to Tahoe. The trip was therapeutic to me, and i came back home in 2014 feeling so pleased and at ease with myself. Until now, I'm here in reality. Just feeling rather lost. And i feel like i handled the break up at the beginning of 2013 so much better than i am now. That in 2013, i felt progression; whereas i'm just stuck currently.

That was seriously 2013 in a nutshell. Oh life, you sure love to play games with me.