o0o0o0o

My uncle from Vietnam came here to visit today, along with some lady that i've never seen...i'm not sure if i'm related to her or not. Haha. I'll figure that out later. There's seriously another half of my family that i have never met before...that's a bit strange to me. I walked into the house and gosh they seriously made me feel like some celebrity. Kay, not really. But they were just throwing compliments! "Oh my gosh, is that Kathy? You're so pretty! Did you join the pageant yet? You should!!" Bahahah.

Did my nails today :3

It's Black Cherry Chutney from O.P.I. It looks like black, but its actually a deep dark purple. On the box it said "deliciously dark black-red". It is deliciously sexy. Heh. At a certain angle in the lighting, if you look into my nails you can see pretty red shimmers. So pretty.

I didn't watch the Oscars last night! I heard it was definitely worth watching...i don't even have a T.V. to watch it on, so i guess i'll just look it up online later. Anne Hathway was in it though. That's all i know. She's all over Tumblr right now. Gosh, she's a beauty.

She was absolutely great in Love and Other Drugs too. Hehe. Good movie, should go watch it.

Kay. That's it, i suppose. I just wanted to show off my deliciously sexy nails.

♥

Addicted.

You got fashion and style, i'm lovin your smile...the way you get down.

I can see no one else its you by yourself, in spite of the crowd. Baby no one else matters.

It started off with a kiss, never expected this.

I'm addicted.

Definitely loving Ryan Leslie's mix of this. :)

♥

Boiling Crab

Went down to Valley Fair today to do give myself some Retail Therapy. I love buying stuff for myself, haven't done that in a while. Had a shopping failure today, didn't buy anything.

Lisa and I decided to just go to Boiling Crab with Trungieee.

Swear whenever we go see that guy, he seriously just brightens up our mood. I love it. ♥

Went to the new Boiling Crab down on Curtner. It's much spacier and nicer. Since they're new and all, we sort of had bad service. Gosh that place is delicious.

♥

Okay

*Everything you do, you have some part in why you're doing. There usually isn't really a i don't know why i did it, i don't know what i was thinking...unless you're shitfaced drunk. Think about you're actions and know the outcome of it. Can't blame anyone but yourself if you get fucked over, really.

Today is a better day, that's all i really have to say.

I stayed out today to keep my mind off things.

Was a little disappointed that it was a second failed attempt to get my gym membership. Next week for sure though. Most definitely, then i can hop on those machines and tone myself up. Yee.

Sometimes my actions really cause me to hate myself a little more.

♥

this feeling i have.

I just feel a little bit lost actually. Lost and mostly i feel like life isn't being lived to the fullest.

But mostly, i feel so pathetic. I'm just this pathetic being, and i really don't know what i'm doing.

I really do wonder what do i have going for myself? Will i be happy...

This whole dream i have set up for myself in the future, i just don't see it happening.

I'm wondering to myself if i can just drop it.

I'm a pathetic little girl with no sense of direction.

I feel hopeless. Right now i'm at such a low state of mind. Insecure, no confidence, unwanted.

I feel out of place like i don't belong. I don't know where i stand.

What is my life worth. Who are the people that are there for me. Who do i want to be around.

All this sad bullshit that i'm feeling. It feels like a joke. I'm obviously just doing this to myself, torturing myself with sadness and thoughts that i shouldn't be thinking about. I'm telling myself that i'm unwanted and i'm setting myself up for sadness. I'm telling myself that i'll never be happy, as happy as i want to be.

What can i do...

Currently there are two things on my mind.

Him & them.

Step one: Get over it.

I need to get over this crap. What can i do? It's the unthinkable...and i have to do it.

I don't think i can though. I said its immature for people to pull this, but its probably the only way to end my feelings. Ain't that right.

I don't feel like i'm the same girl i used to be. What has happened...

Gosh this is almost embarrassing.

Mind over matter.

"If you don't like me, remember that it's mind over matter.
I don't mind, and you don't matter"
- Dr. Suess

If only he realized how much he actually really meant to me...

If only he realized how much i was willing to be a better person for him. Not exactly change myself completely, just be a better person...as i was before. Change my ways not only for him but for myself as well.

If only he realized what i would do now to make things better, that i don't mean to be a bother but i was just simply trying to get my feelings and thoughts out but then he took it the wrong way...he saw it completely differently. In no way did i want to become a bother or a pest. The things that i would do differently now, how much better things could be.

I go out more often now, but if anything, i would drop anything to be with him. He doesn't know, he doesn't care. He could careless...and i'm wasting my time right now even moping around about this once again.

I've been thinking that it's not worth it because, if i'm sitting here wanting things so badly to be better, and he's sitting there not giving a fuck...then it will never, ever work out for the better. It wont because if he were ever to see me like that again i'll become something so easy to take advantage of. It'll probably even become a one way thing. That's not worth it.

I don't wanna fight, i would rather kiss you.

Come into this room.

Let me show you how much i miss you.

What i gotta do to show you that i need you?

- Mario | Lay in Bed

♥

Fake on Myspace

Something that is long gone, but some random ass nigga just msged me.

He was like "hey kathy, remember me?"

I'm kind of just like uh no, blahblah. And then he gives me a myspace link to "my" myspace. Shoot the thing is OLD. Anyways i see a picture of me, and i'm like wait a minute this is not my myspace account...wtf.

Basically the person too little pictures of me, and totally kind of disrespected my image making me seem like some sex freak. The fuck? That's hella weird. I'm upset about this, a little.

Just rude. Tsk. Tsk.

somebody special

Sometimes i question my judgement on things.

I question my actions, thoughts, and feelings. Are they really true? Is this really what it is?

Here's something to remember:

Don't get mixed up between missing someone hella much, and missing what you two had.

I feel like that is something that is easily mixed up with, and it just causes confusion in a person. There is that feeling when you really miss somebody and the feelings true, but sometimes that can be clouded with the sense of loneliness and need to compassion. Does anyone agree with me here? I don't know.

I kept telling myself before that i miss so and so, but then now i wonder...did i really miss him or did i just miss what we had. I would always have something to back up everything i said though. Because yah i was feeling pretty lost and alone, but at the same time i really did miss him as a whole. Every aspect of him, and at the same time i also missed what we had because i believed that it was something special. Because he was someone special to me.

It'll take a while for this to fade. For these topics to end. I'm sorry to bore you all with my stupid sob stories. I'm much better now, i promise. I'm in a happier state of mind, really. Just...my head is filled with blahblahblah. I can't even describe my feelings. I'm still hurt. But it's just like i fell on the street. I'm left with a bruise. It hurts, but i'm totally fine.

The only thing i can do is push it out of my head, not think about it and go on.

I keep telling myself this, but its something i have to remind myself to keep myself from being sad. You know what i mean? It is what it is, and i'm going to keep saying it till this has passed.

I hate how he doesn't realize how much he meant to me.

I guess i went a little over board...but can you blame me?

Daryn Scott

Rest in Paradise Daryn Scott.

Boy, i didn't know you too well...all i knew was that you were this black boy who was trying to get at my best friend. I know that you we're also a good guy, but at the same time i found you to be annoying. What other type of girl wouldn't scowl at the guy who tries to get at her bestfriend though? That's right...

I know nothing about you. You weren't close to me. You weren't close to my friend exactly either. I believe it was just a failed attempt there.Well anyways, there's not much i can say about you because i don't know you. I never experienced this before.

Now we look at your pictures and all we can come up with are memories we had with you. We look at your smiling face and our heart just breaks a little. Why did it have to be this way? We see your face there...we see the things you've written...we look into your eyes...but you're gone.

This is really unreal, and i can't believe it. My heart goes out to all your loved ones. I am so sorry that this had to happen. I know that in your life you have been through a lot and prior to this incident you were going through a rough time in life...well you're in a better place now.

♥ ♥

I gotta stop torturing myself.

Cause each time i do, i want to cry.

Brings back memories that i'm desperately trying to erase.

So i have the answer to your question. Why did i do what i did? All those terrible things that resulted in the loss of you? Well i finally figured it out. Sort of didn't want to say it to myself, but it was simply because i was trying to fill the empty void in me. I was trying to make myself believe that i was done with you. I was trying to get over it, and move on. Didn't work very well. Almost did, but just didn't cut it.

I hate you, but i hate myself more.

How are you today?

I'm not real happy. I'm not sad either. I think currently i'm just at a mellow part in life. Kind of just floating around here, going with it. Going with the current of life. Nice. All there is for me to do right now is just shrug. Shrug and brush the problems off my shoulders.

That's what i was thinking about today. I'm just pretty content right now.

It's whatevers, you know. It is what it is -- my mood.

You've been acting awful tough lately.

Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately

But inside, you're just a little baby.

It's okay to say you've got a weak spot.

You don't always have to be on top

Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not.

- Chorus of You're not a Robot | Hoddie Allen

I'm better now. :)

♥

Cheers

Still been in the mood to drink.

I had more thoughts in my head before i opened up this page, but i don't remember.

Anyways, i went to the mall today to try and cop some gym apparel. I got a cute pants and a cute sports bra from F21. Gosh i love that store, even it's hella hyped up. But that's okay. Cheap, cute stuff for me. It works. Honestly can't afford to shop anywhere else right now. Lol.

So hopefully i'm going to be getting my gym membership this week. As soon as that happens, i'm going to hit the gym as soon as possible. Probably whenever my trainer is available. :)

I need to get rid of my 3 months. You probably don't understand what i'm talking about, but this is now officially called my "3 months project". I call my fat my "3 months". I guess you can try and figure out why. I'm going to take my time getting rid of it though. Whenever its gone, its gone. Haha. I don't really havea routine. I guess i should so i can be productive. Lets see how this goes. I'll keep you all posted -- whoever "you all" are...

Well today was just any other Sunday for me. Usually my Sundays are my "days with Lena". Well ever since the new year started at least. I decided to do things with Lena till it's time for church all day, that way she'll actually go with me. It's working. I'm really proud of her cause she doesn't fuss or whine about having to go to church. Little girl doesn't even fall asleep during mass either. She's better than her mom is :)

Look what i got today! :3

Cuteeee, huh. I got fuzzy salmon pink house slippers. They're so soft, its like walking on my dog's fur. Teehee. And it matched the shirt i'm wearing. Warm feet ftw. ;)

♥

No school tomorrow. Yay.

When you have something good, don't let it go.

There was only one person after him that i think i actually really fell for.

I was afraid of commitment and the whole concept of being in another "relationship", that i didn't even want to give the person a chance. Tried to find flaws, and do what i can to push the other one out of the picture. I guess in reality i just wasn't really sure of myself. In a way, maybe i wasn't even ready?

In the end i kind of just pushed the other one away and hurt him. Only to find out that i actually fell for him a little bit but then it was just kind of too late. So i sort of just lost my chance.

Basically what i'm trying to say is that when you have something good, don't just let it slip away. At least give it a chance. You know?

I'm also trying to imply that before anything, figure yourself out. Figure out what you want first. Where your head is at, and where your heart is at. Because if not, in the end it could just cause a whole mess. Don't be messing around with your own head or with others.

It was something special to me.

People would constantly ask me "Did you really feel that way?"

Yes, i did. I did feel that way. I don't even want to say it right now. I don't know.

It was something special to me. I've never felt so strongly about someone before. It's a little bit of a wreck to me, and no one really understands. I remember that one time when he left town for a while. I was so sad. I mean for a while i was okay with it, till the day he decided to give me a phone call. I was so overwhelmed with happiness to hear from him i started tearing up. It was a mixture of sadness and happiness. Sad that he's away and happy that i get to hear his voice. I realized i should suck it up and talk to him cause he couldn't stay on for that long.

Thinking back, does anyone think that it was foolish of me? I mean look at me. I was young. I was 15 i believe. Damn. When i see little kids on tumblr or something at that age saying shit so silly like "i love him", i just scoff and think of how silly and foolish they are. In my heart though, i knew what i felt. But right now thinking about it, was it really true? How can it be.

I guess love is just a feeling that when you feel it, you know that its real. People ask what is love, but there isn't really an exact definition for it. Its just something you need to experience for yourself and you'll know.

People will easily throw around that word though. Love. Love and slut. Two words that just get thrown around. There are probably more but i just can't think of em.

Anyways, thinking back. Saying that, its just odd. Just weird. Its a little bit unreal, especially how things are now. How can someone you once claim to love, no just despise you so much? How can that be, is that even possible. Its sort of a i care about you, but at the same time i can care less about you. Do you know what i mean?

In a way, your first love will always have a spot in your heart. No matter what. They'll always be there. Till hella time passes and you just forget. Thats still weird. I don't see how that's possible. Now that i really really think, how can someone you once claimed to live, and claimed to love you as well hurt you. And then how can you even forget that person.

I feel that once you find the next person you "love" though, the other person just slips away. And then they become the has been, and this person is the now. You might end up just saying something like "i really love you. my ex was nothing. you, now you are something."

Then it just goes on. Many lovers pass by till you finally find the one.

Gosh i'm silly.

Lazy Day

Today was just a stay at home day. It was pretty chill, nothing to really do. Nothing really that i wanted to do since it was raining and all. I didn't even want to go outside.

I sat around at my desk all day watching movies, and being a fatass. It was pretty nice. Nice and lonely. I watched Love and Other Drugs, Easy A, and Tangled. All very good movies. Heh. That pretty much took up the majority of my day until now.

Also, i cleaned my room prior to my movie marathon. Just because i felt like maybe i should at least do something productive today. Made my bed and everything.

I was trying to look for something to eat in my house, because when sitting around watching movies you gotta have something to munch on. Okay, not really but i just wanted to eat. Sadly there wasn't really anything satisfying. Actually, there wasn't really anything to eat. We had Pho broth (i think...) but can't have that with out the actual vermicelli and shit. So i ended up driving out to In n Out. Gosh the coldness of the air felt so nice against my face. The fresh rain smelled so nice. Ah fresh air. Well all i have to say about my trip to In n Out is: Thank goodness for drive thrus.

Chillin with no make up on.

Trying to see if i can start getting used to this look. Don't think that's possible. I already feel invisible as it is. Now i don't want to feel ugly and invisible, you know? But i really don't want to be someone who depends on that kind of things to make me feel beautiful. I just can't help it.

I need someone to talk to...

Wekfest tomorrow though. Really wish i could go...i have to help my mother out tomorrow morning till 12pm. I think wekfest starts around 1:00pm, but i doubt anyone really wants to wait on me. Not even Lisa. Boohoo. I guess i'm going to have to miss out on it again. Never even been to it. Hopefully next year though. I always feel like i miss out on the fun things that goes on. That sucks kind of.

♥

*If looks is all you have going for you, then you basically just have nothing.

For Real

Currently on repeat.

Can't wait...

Can't wait to get out of this hell hole.

Can't wait to get out and start a new lifestyle.

These people i call "my friends" aren't really my friends. They are...but they don't really care for me. I don't really talk to them, interact with them or any of that crap. I like them and all but really now? They only care about me because i'm there. It's because i'm shy and i don't talk. I don't interact and i don't try. I expect others to come to me and want to be my friends, but come on. We're older now, and no one is going to do that. It takes equal effort and equal amount of want. Does that make sense?

I just can't wait. I want to escape. Meet new people, forget the past. Forget everything that once happened and move forward. Start new. I just want to forget and never remember again.

I don't give a fuck about what happened. About what once was. Moving forward, moving on. Being happy. Being me.

Fuck bitches, fuck assholes, fuck tricks, fuck them players. Fuck them all.

Try being me, and be friends with yourself.

You may think that my sudden outburts of anger are all foolish and dumb, but you try being me and being friends with yourself. Then tell me if i'm being dumb.

I understand how you work and what you are like, so i try my best to just deal with it and be patient with how you are. You already know what i'm like and what i expect, why can't you just compromise with me and give a little of something.

Overall i am content with how things are, but sometimes i just think to myself...and i'm like damnit. Why must it be like this? Why can't this be easier. But i guess like always, i expect too much.

BUT WHATS WRONG WITH THAT? What is wrong with that, i ask you. Why can't i want for you show that you care, be more loving, and crap like that. Sometimes i just feel like i should act like you towards you. Because how come i'm being such a loving person towards you, but you don't with me. Is that even fair? (Yah, i guess so) I just feel like i shouldn't even give as much as i give if you don't even give 50% of what i have to offer. So in response to that, i feel like i should give less of what i give...just so its even.

However, when i turn down the "love" it just makes me feel bitter and upset with you. Because this isn't how i am. You understand?

Theres more to this friendship that makes me feel down though. This friendship of ours has me feeling insecure. Sometimes i just feel so insecure that it brings me down. I just want to fall into a pit and stay there...you wont even understand why.

Really, you try and be me and be friends with yourself. Too bad that isn't possible.

I just want to be cared for, wanted/needed, thought of, and loved.

By my friends, family, and significant other. Its a need.

It feels my empty void.

I'm trying to not care. Trying to just smile and shit. But when i feel like this, i feel like theres this evil monster eating me up inside. But this feeling will pass very soon.

Iono. Bye.

One of those things...

I feel like all of a sudden i've just fallen back into negativity. Damnit, and i was doing so well too.

I'm looking at myself and i just feel like blah. I feel empty and disgusting.

Absolutely nothing can make me feel better about myself. I think i'm just having this moment where i feel very unwanted and what not. Making me feel so gloomy, like the weather.

Just kind of thinking about stuff. Thinking about what attracts the attention of the male species. What it seems like to me is that the majority of males are attracted to that one type of girl. The hot one. At least, its what they think is hot. What is hot? Well everyone has a different interpretation for that term.

They all rate it on a scale of one to ten. one being a grenade, and ten being a tamale.

Is it what i think it is? Is it what the majority of girls try to make themselves like? The whole aspect of trying to fit in and following trends, all the girls just sort of look a like. (Not all of them of course, everyone has there unique look)

I've been sitting around all day doing nothing and just pondering my thoughts. Thinking about my unhappiness of today is making me even more down in the dumps than i was originally. I can sit here and type about what's really making me feel like poop but i don't want to bore anyone with my crap. I'm just insecure, okay?

No hearts today.

Lashes

They were heavy on my eyes. Looked nice though.

♥

“Japanese Television”

You have to listen to this. Follow along with what she's saying. This was just wow.

http://vassanamiyamoto.tumblr.com/post/3356541360/japanese-television-vassana-mee-i-was-never

I was never one to write love poems. But when i met you around 12:15 in the Philly scene, you stopped my life's movement, made me park it. Who would've known that a simple high-five could've sparked this? I still don't write love poems, but if i was to write a poem about love...it'd be about you. And how your heart spoke the same language as mine too. But now your tongue doesn't match the messages that your eyes do.

I'm jealous; jealous of your pillow. Your best friends. Everything that you touch, see, breathe. All things that frequently encounter you, and that because of you i was smitten; putty in your hands. Your voice was a pure rhapsody to my ears. It was extraordinary to come across a soul that's far from cheer. Kept my weather forecast clear, rid of all possible fears; made me even believe that that i was good enough -- good enough to keep you here. I looked sad when you left because i spoke to you with words and you looked at me with feelings. You always had that power of keeping me grounded one moment and then giving me the ability to walk on the ceilings. It seemed so effortless with you -- maybe that's what was appealing. Comfortable, as easy as breathing. The way we was supposed to be. Not addicted to you like a drug; nah. But the sun, the air. Necessity. Completely healthy, caring for my well-bring, basically saving my life.

You used to kiss me like a drowning woman clinging to a floating log. I held my breath as you submerged me along with you. I can still taste the first breath of bitter air. And now i'm thinking that perhaps...you should've left me there. You didn't bother to hold on to our connection. I bet i couldn't even grab your attention if i was to shout in these empty sanctuaries that we call our hearts. So i guess it's safe to say that nothing last forever despite our beautiful starts. Yet i'm hoping that one day...one day we'll be able to take it back; back to Love Park.

- Vassana Mee

This was beautiful.

♥

Chillax

Started raining again today. Well this whole week has actually been a bit gloomy, but today it rained. So it kind of was a nice addition to my "me time". I played around with makeup. Its pink. Hehe. Weird i never thought i'd put pink on my eyes but it looks nice...Painted my nails with OPI "Bogota Blackberry". Its such a pretty color. I didn't think it would be, but it is! Its kind of a playful...elegant kind of color. I don't know.

Had my headphones on all day listening to music and blocking out everything around me. Well not completely because Lena would be talking to me every now and then. Music just sounds so much nicer when its blasting in my eardrums. Kay, not BLASTING but you know what i mean. I hope. Such a nice day i had at home today. :) I did everything i had planned to do today except read and finish my Community Service reflection paper. :x Always holding back the schoolwork for last...

I can breathe you, i can drink in your laugh

I can, I can live on your smile

I can trip and if i can fall into your arms, I can stay there my whole life

Don't know what it is about today but i'm in a great mood.

♥

*Dang i wish my hair color would show a little. What a waste! Boo. :c

Girl,

It absolutely kills me to see my girl sad. I just get so filled with anger at the cause of what is putting her such a state. If only there was more i can do, but i know its not my problem to fix. All i can do is be there for comfort and support really. If there was anything that is needed of me, i'll get it done. This just isn't my place to be in.

If you allow it, i'll be there to make things all better.
My heart goes out to you, you're a strong girl and you know it.
If there is anything i have to say at this point...Keep ya head up, and you deserve better.

Single heart's club nigga

AYE! Happy Valentine's though all them lovely, cute couples out there. You're happiness has filled me with joy throughout the day. Cept seeing all of you kind of made me go "boohoo" cause i don't got no man. But it's cool yafeemeee?

Happy "Single's Awareness Day" too for all them single heads out there. All i gotta say is be happy! Keep ya head's up and don't be the one to be moping around on this lovey dovey day. It ain't needed.

The day started out pretty damn chill. A goodass monday i had in a while. I was just cheery all day. Must of have been the love in the air. Must have been my good hair day. (;

Real talk though, my day started off pretty darn well. Don't even know why but i was just cheerful. Even with my bestfriend hella down. I mean her being upset brought me down pretty much too. I was hella upset with shit but i'm just saying aside from that, i was good to go.

Happy Vday & Single's Awareness Day.
-- I just found out bout the whole "single's awareness day" thing today.

Raspy Voices

So i guess my cold is over now.

Thats kind of a good and bad thing. Haha.

Being sick gave me an excuse to not go to school. Seriously could have used it sometime this week. That would have been sweet. I also like my sick voice. :p I don't know why. LOL. It just sounds cool, like temporarily i get to sound different from what i usually sound like.

But now that i dont have a cold anymore, i have more energy. The only thing is that i still have a headache. Super bad onee!

Last night, i had a badass headache i couldn't stand it. I guess now i can go sip on some tea and relax.

Had a chillass weekend though. ♥

Side Chick

I am so not down to be the side chick for no one. I'm so done with that crap.

I don't know why guys always look at me when they're drunk and shit and try to get at me...with no complete intentions of anything. It hurts, okay. It sucks that i'm always the second choice, not ever the first one on some guys mind. Never is it like that. I'm just the "potential" or the just for now. The girl thats there for ya'll to talk to so you can fill some kind of empty void inside yourself. I'm through with that. Through with random ass niggas who don't want anything real. Not looking for a fling or any of that sort. Not really looking period right now actually. However if it happens, then it happens. I want whoever who is gna be talk to me to be completely serious bout it.

I'll admit that i love guys, but come on, what girl doesn't? I'm not obsessed or whatever though. I can live without em. I don't need em coming for me. Not like they do anyways. Like i said i'm like the eyecandy or something. Just nice to look at but its whatever. No one is gna try and get to know me and shit, on the real. Ya feel me?

On another note:

I'm doing good. Being a better person, and i'm proud of myself i must say. :)

Lets just see if i can seriously keep this up and i will go treat myself. Hehe.

Today i have avoided temptation. I dodged a bullet. I knew something would happen and i avoided it completely. I watched out for myself and i took control of my emotions and my drunk wants. I'm doing good, and i'm being better so far. Like i said i would. Funny how no one would really believe me when i said i'm going to be achieving my goal. Niggas, i'm doing it. ;)

Lost memories

I was going through some of my old posts that i posted in the past. Wow it's so amazing to see what used to make me happy, and see what was on my mind at certain times of my life. How i was feeling when something happened. Blogging is amazing, really is.

I'm going back through time. Sort of...

It's been a nice trip. I have more ahead of me. :3

What i'm afraid of is...that my posts will disappear. I hope not. I swear i had more post before November 2007. For some reason it's not there anymore. I feel like the very first blog post i have ever written isn't there! Because i'm pretty sure the very first post i wrote was about why i'm here...except it looks like the very first post is talking about school. Thats nonsense.

If that is the case...what should i do. Save all my writings somewhere else? In that case i should just get a diary.

Holding Back

The thing i don't like most bout myself when it comes to purchasing things is that i always hesitate to buy it because i just think to myself, "do i really need it, is it really worth it..."

In a way this could be a good thing because i don't really spend carelessly. At least i try not to. There are so many things i want but i never buy it because i feel like i can spend my money on something else better. Except then i end up spending my money on food. All the time.

Sometimes i finally make up my mind that i want what i wanted, and i go back to go get it and then its either not there anymore or not in my size...so then now i'm disappointed and upset because then i would only wish i got it when i first wanted it. This always happens to me.

This leaves me without the stuff i want and unhappy. Poor too! Because i just spend my money on food. I could have spent that on clothes or something. Boo.

Real talk though what i really need are...

- New bag

- Sandals

Thats pretty much the current essentials because i have one pair of sandals and my bag which i've had both for pretty much two years. Holy cow. This is because i don't want to just buy any type of bag or sandals. I gotta love em, and feel like they're worth it. I don't really love anything unless its way over my budget though. I have a problem.

Cold

Worse day today.

Was so not feeling it at all.

I'm sick. Had major cramps. Didn't want to be at school. & A headache.

New

I decided it was time for a change.

Not too much change though because i like the way i am. Every little bit of me and my personality, i like it because it makes me, me. You don't accept it? Well then excuse me, you can't hang.

Just one little thing bout me i don't like, and that is something i'm already working on. And i'm doing good so far. So sweet. Lets hope i can keep it up.

One process of change. I dyed my hair.

Lightweight regretting it though. LOL. My momma told me so. Its dark auburn. You can barely tell...looks a little bit more brownish now actually, but i think when im in the sunlight you would be able to see the hint of red. Oh it's weird. I devirginized my hair. I never thought id actually go through with dying it! Whatever i guess. Hair is just hair...at least that's what i keep telling myself. Haha. It'll grow out...and all i gotta do is not get tempted to redye it and just let it grow out and be all ugly.

I went karaoke yesterday with a couple of my friends down in Hayward. I thought it was going to be kind of lame, because i had a feeling that i woulda just sat there and watched but i actually participated and it was hella fun! I'm pretty shocked that i actually joined in with them ahaha. Usually i don't do that kind of stuff cause i'm always so shy and not willing. Ended up losing my voice a little bit, but its okay. :)

Today during first period, Lisa and i decided to just leave and go home. So sick of school right now. Kind of feel the senoritis kicking in. Oh no. Ended up going home though. Told the office i was "sick". Which i actually do feel like i am actually. Well stuffy nose, voice lightweight gone but not really. Didn't go out or anything though. Just went home and knocked out.

What a nice break. However, now i hella don't even want to go back to school. Fuck.

WHY CAN'T JUNE JUST COME ALREADY. :(

Creeps

One of the scariest things happened to me today. Well it wasn't all that scary but i freaked out and my heart was racing.

Last week, these two guys, in their Civic, from church pulled up next to where i was parked and asked for my number. Of course i didn't give it to them because i didn't even know who the heck they were...

Then today, fucking as i was driving home on the freeway, Lena kept looking back and i asked her what she was looking at. Right when i asked her this Civic hella cut me off on the freeway. I didn't really think much of it, i was like wtf. But i saw that car earlier when i was in Milpitas still driving hella crazy so i was like "Hey, that's the crazy car from earlier." And Lena was like yeah, that's why i kept looking back...i think those are the boys from last week. I was a bit doubtful at first cause that's just nonsense that i ran onto them on the freeway...on my way home. The next thing i knew, they changed lanes and tried to match my speed so i was kind of just like the hell. I look over and it was the guys from last week. o_O

Holy shit, i was just flippin out...they were following me!

I was contemplating on what to do...speed up and try to weave in and outta traffic to loose em was one thing. However i tried to speed up and well i was already going 80mph and any faster, my little car probably woulda died. It couldn't take it. I realized that i couldn't drive home because i'm definitely not trying to have them knowing where i live. The whole time i was just like "wtfwtfwtfwtfffff."

I hit up my girl Lisa to tell her wsup, and she told me to come meet her up in Union City. I was like alright...I figured that they should give up eventually, and just turn back and head home. But no...they continued to follow me. All the way from Milpitas to Union City. The fuck? Really now? Holy shit. I finally stopped and i was just kind of annoyed.

Went over to them and told them that they don't ever follow a girl like that cause it's fucking creepy. They didn't seem to think it was wrong. (they're fobs, iono if that has anything to do with it) I understand that they just wanted to kiccit and be friends and maybe get my number or something but that is NOT the way to do it. Shit. Lisa and i told them to leave and they did...

Pretty just in shock a bit, i never thought such a thing would happen. Damn.

Do you, to the fullest

First Rule: Don't let 'em change you.

Rule Two: Do you. To the fullest.

And never be ashamed to...you're just good at what they can't do.

And they hate that, they wanna paint you in their color -- put you on another.

But they don't accept, and they don't see...

The best thing is what you already be.

- Lupe Fiasco

i need to get this out...

This is a note addressed to a certain somebody, who is now a nobody in my life.

Excuse me sir. Who the fuck do you think you are. Who do you think you are just walking back into my life with your ridiculous lies and charming words. No, actually they weren't all that charming. After what you have done to me -- fucked me over and all, i now completely despise you. With a passion. Do you want to know whatt i want to do? I want to smash your car. I want to smash it. I want to rip you into pieces. You're a deceiving jerk.

So sick of you. Sick of your twisted games, sick of the way you took advantage of me. You are sickening. I don't understand how you think what you did was okay. I don't understand how...you feel like we can still be friends. We are nothing of that sort. You owe me a damn apology. Fucking get on your knees and beg.

Damn, i probably hella boosted your self esteem huh. Well let me tell you something, you ain't all that honey. You're a trick, just like the rest of them. You played me and i don't appreciate that shit. You ain't even hot shit. You're a fucking fake asshole.

Okay, honestly i know you're a good guy. But you really did me wrong. You were the last person i ever thought would fuck with me. You were pretty real at first, but i know your mindset of me has changed. You've been trying to sugar coat yourself with lies. Telling me stuff that you didn't even fucking mean. I don't need that shit!! I want the truth. You little bitch, you told me you fucking hate liars. You told me not to ever lie to you. You did the worse thing of all...not only did you lie to me, but you lied to me about how you feel. I don't need to hear that crap. Just tell me the goddamn truth so i don't sit around wondering.

Fuck you.

I know you have a problem with me. You've heard things bout me and you decide to stick with what you heard and use it against me. "Oh my gawd Kathy, you're such a goddamn flirt." "Oh my gawd Kathy, you're all over these boys." "Oh my gawd Kathy, you're a bad girl now." "Oh my gawd Kathy, you're so different." AH OH MY GOODNESS. STFU WITH THAT.

You know what? I really don't know what i'm like. I think of myself as a very nice and friendly person. I don't intentionally flirt, i'm just talking nigga. But its cool, it whatever really. I am 100% sure that i know how to commit. Fuck all the other guys, i can focus on one. Bitchass nigga, aint even going to give me a chance, are you. Its cool. Don't need it really. I'm good.

I know how to make someone happy...at least i hope. If i'm into someone, i can make him my number one. Just gotta understand that sometimes it just is, what it is. Ya feeemee??? This goes for anyone though. If you truly like a certain someone, they're the only one. The one that makes you smile just by thinking bout em. The one that is making you glow brighter than the sun.

Shit. It is what it is. Freals now.

So what you see in my now is a little child. An immature little fuck, is that right? Annoying and shit. Well guess what, IDGAF! I have realized that you aint worth my precious time. I got better things to do. BETTER PEOPLE TO THINK BOUT.

Genuiune ass niggas. I got them in my life.

Family, Friends, and Food. Currently, my mains. I don't need no man to tie me down, to make me all sad and shit. I'm good on my own. I realize that now. This post may have made it seem like i aint over it, but trust me i am. I'm so done with this bullshit. So done with it that i am in such a serene state of mine now. I'm gonna be happy for me.

I love myself, my life and everything and everyone who is in it and that cares for me.

So its back to this again.

I have fell back into that bitter pit of hatred towards the male race. I know for a fact that not all boys are the same, however, for the time being i'm going to just imagine them all as jackasses who want nothing but sex. Yah, sex.

For a moment there i felt like i needed "love" -- i fooled myself into believing that with it i will be happy. Obviously, i stand corrected because that is not so. Honestly, seeing all this "love in the air" makes me yearn for it. It would be nice to know that one boy cares deeply about every aspect of my life...well not every but most of it. But you know what? It's fine.

I may just be fooling myself right now, or maybe i really am finally at ease and content. I have accepted reality as it is, and i am ready for whatever comes my way. I have gone in a complete circle, except this time, the route i took was just a bit different. More of a roller-coaster and more of a wreck. But i have finally snapped back, and this is how it is.

Like an epiphany.

Each time i run into a situation, i may get hurt, but i always learn/gain something from the experience. I learn how to deal with it, and how to stay clear of such things. I'll probably run into a similar situation again someday and not know what to do because my emotional and vulnerable self may take the best of me and turn me into some crazy monster. Not.Pretty.

Not until i finish fully expressing myself...

Not till i get my mind distracted...

You'll see. Just wait, and see.

I'm happier, angrier, but still just as loving as always.

Vietnamese New Year's Superstitions

I don't really know what the superstitions are but i always feel like on Vietnamese New Years, I need to act my best or i'll have bad luck the rest of the year.

Well knock on wood, and hopefully i wont have any bad luck coming towards me this year because today i decided to cut class for the first time in years. I felt horrible, but i bought Jeggings. :)

That's like two no-nos in one day. Cutting to SHOP. Aiyah.

Lunar New Year 2011

Happy Vietnamese/Chinese new years to whom it may concern.

Hope everyone had an enjoyable Lunar New Years, ate a lot, and received a good amount of money. :)

So technically its a new year. Which means i can say that its time for a better start, with just one wish: Happiness. In happiness i mean, no emotional break downs, so more sensitivity over little things, no more crying all the time, no more negative thinking, no more over analyzing/thinking of life. Right now is NOW. No more bringing up the past. I am done (i hope so at least) Going to be looking forward and painting a better picture of tomorrow. Cause i am the only one that i can count on to make myself happy. ♥

St Maria Goretti

Went to a 2 hour mass today for Lunar New Years celebration at St. Maria Goretti earlier tonight. It was pretty entertaining for the most part. What was really interesting was that apparently the mass was a "universal" mass. Which means it was not only Vietnamese.

I was kind of dumbfounded for a minute when this guy, who was viet, started reading one of the readings in spanish super fluently. My jaw dropped for a moment. But yah, that's pretty cool!

That is all.

I just finished up cleaning my room just now. Its not super duper clean, but its do-able. :)

Mornings

I can't wake up and get to school on time anymore. I used to be able to wake up at 6am or 630am, take a shower, do my hair and makeup and leave my house at 710am...now i wake up at 710 and don't have time for any of that stuff and just leave the house looking like a mess.

Maybe if i start showering in the morning again, i'll make myself get up earlier to get ready. The thought of that sounds impossible though, like i'll wake up super late and will end up going to school looking like shit and smelling like it too.

How will i break out of this habit. I just sleep through my alarm most of the time.