Pills

So, ive been on birth control since i was 17 years old. Ive been ingesting the same type ever since, just because the physicians at planned parenthood felt that if i wasnt having any problems with what i was taking, there wasnt really a need to try different estrogen dosages or whatever it is thats in those things to help prevent pregnancies.

The problem was that i didnt know that the pills were effecting me negatively at all. There are all different types of side effects that you generally hear about from other females that are on birth control. There are so many different types of pills out there, and everyone's bodies react differently so you never really know what type of side effect you could possibly get from your birth control. We just all hope and pray that it doesnt get us pregnant, and as long as thats the case then we sit back, relax, and take the side effects as it comes. 

Most common side effects that we hear are that it makes you more moody and/or you can add a couple pounds. Some ppeople are blessed and get bigger boobs or a nice ass - basically the fat goes in the right places. Then some people just get round all over. 

I was definitely a moody one - real, real moody. But i figured that it was just a regular sise effect because thats what i heard happens. So i took it as a normal thung, and that its nothing to really fuss about. No big deal, as long as i dont get pregnant.

Its not like i knew the extremities of my moodiness. Eventually, i think i figured that its just me instead of thinking of kt as a side effect of the pill. I had all type of emotions. A lot of sadness, anger, short tempers, etc. 

When my ex and i broke up whenever ago, i still continued to take the pill for "just in case, you never know" reasons. There was that point in time where i felt like i had some slight depression for whatever reason. (If youve kept up with my writing from during that time, im shre youd know.) 

It wasnt till the beginning of this year, when i stopped dating and was due to go get a refill on my birth control, that i stopped taking the birth control that ive been taking since i was seventeen. I got lazy and didnt want to go back to the doctors for it, especially since i wasnt actually "getting any" anyways. So, i was off the pill. 

Coincidentally, my outlook on life changed. As though the light in my life has fibally turned on. I felt as though  i was in a really good place in my life and i couldnt be happier about it. I figured that maybe  it was because i was single and am finding myself again. I told people that im just happier single, and i like the way things are. 

However, unfortunately, i did get the perk of getting nicer boobs while i was on the pill, so getting off of it i believe that my boobs have gotten smaller. Im still unsure if its from no longer being on the pill or be cause ive been rigorously working out more so ive lost boob fat. Well regardless, i just decided that maybe i could go back on the pill in hopes that my boobs would come back. Yes, its that serious. 

So, i started taking the same exact pill tbat ive been on since i was 17, again. About three weeks in, and all of a sudden i notice that im moody again. Even Lisa noticed. I felt unhappy out of no where, for no reason. I felt uneasy, unsatisfied, and completely glum. I was short tempered. Lisa and i had a discussion about it, and it hit us. ITS THE PILL. 

Dont know all too well if its in my head or what. But i rather be happy with life than be a moody ass bitch with seemingly "nicer" boobs. I stopped taking the pill, i feel okay now, for the most part im not moody. Im going to be vigilent of how my emotions are and see if that negative state of mind comes back to see if my assumption is correct.

But for the time being, im going to conclude that my depressed/emotional/crazyass bitchiness of a person all derived due a side effect of birth control.

This all could just be a ploy to try and make myself feel better and believe im actually not out of whack. But who knows, really. Lol.

Toodles!

Journal

I bought a journal a couple months ago, because at the time i thought that maybe it wouldve been nice to have one. It just sounds cool - "i have a journal in which i write my deepest thoughts". 

At this time, it was when i first started to develop some sort of sentimental feelings for some guy i was beginning to date at the time. Nothing serious, but i had just begun to let my walls down and consider him as an actual potential person for me to connect more emotionally with. 

Anyways, so i purchased this journal at barnes and noble. Spent a good fourteen bucks on it. I stood in the book store staring at a shelf of journals and seriously contemplated on which journal was the one for me. Which one would make me feel like writing in it would feel just right. So i picked "the one". Fourteen hard earned  dollars. 

Knowing the mush ball of a "lover" that i am, the first two pages i wrote in that journal of mine was about how i met this guy that i was starting to have some sort of feelings for. At the time, i thought it was going to be something that wouldve worked out. I was completely wrong about that. That encounter with the guy lasted very briefly, that i barely even want to say it like it was actually a thing. It was sure not anything worth mentioning. 

I became a little embarrassed with myself for what i wrote in the journal, that im pretty glad i never wrote about him publicly on here. Since i thought that was going to be something more an all. After those two pages, i didnt even want to open that journal anymore. To see my mushy writing about some guy who is now worthless to me. 

Ive thought about tearing out those two pages and starting anew. But then those ripped edges would be there haunting me...and id know. Lingering thoughts that were once there. 

Anyways, the thing with that guy didnt work out in the end because neither of us were really compatible for each other. I wanted a different version of him and he wanted a different version of me. Perfect example of: 1. You cant change people for your own benefit and liking; and 2. Dont settle for less than what makes you truly happy. 

Well now that fourteen dollar journal is just sitting under a pile of stuff. Dont really plan on revisting that again.

And thats all i have to say about that.

Toodles!

Single

So, i've been single for approximately two years now.
I feel that part of me is still damaged from the past relationship, but i feel secure with myself enough to enjoy being single. I don't know if that necessarily would suggest that I'm "secure", but i'll just leave it as that.

Partially, because when i come across someone that i even do remotely like, i don't know how to act upon it...and for some strange reason i've just come up with this idea that guys at my age who are into me are just into me for the fun.

At this point in my life, i find it really important that i get to know people that i meet. I'm not interested in being in a relationship, or casually seeing someone. I don't want feelings to be involved.

Untitled

I've been in a very happy state as of lately. I think this may just be the happiest i've ever been within the past four years, and it's great. I think this is why i've stopped blogging. I'm not in my head as much as i used to, and i don't think long and hard about things.

Even if i do ponder my thoughts, i never really have the urge to write about it.

A couple weeks ago, i was stressed out over something that happened between some guy. Well it stressed me out to the degree that i almost actually wanted to write about it. Write about it and share some "insightful" thoughts relevant to it.

I'm not even that insightful...but sometimes i feel like when i think deeply enough, my words pour out like it's something worth reading.

Honestly, i've lost my touch.

Well i thought about it and i figured that, i don't think that being in my mind as often as i was if healthy for my state of mind. Because boy did i think A LOT. It's nice to be free. All i can ever to manage to write about is relationships/love anyways. And every time i've been coming back here as of lately, i'd write about why i'm mia...

I feel that its better this way, that i'm not here all the time. But i also feel saddened because this blog is the one thing that i kept constant in the past couple of years. So i'm unsure what to do about it.

On one hand i want to stop because it's better for me, and all i can seem to wrap my mind around it love and the idea of love. And then on the other hand, i don't want to neglect this completely.