rant

I hate it when people make me feel stupid, dumb, retarded for the things that i say/state. Always making me wish that i never even said it in the first place.

Can't i just state something, and not get grilled for it?

Or can't i just say something, and not expect someone to make a "life lesson" out of what i just said...?

Fuck, i'll just stop complaining then. Thought you'd be the last person to make me feel like a dumbass. Guess i was wrong. Everyday i feel like what i say is idiotic. Hard to even say shit thats one my mind. Cause youre always going to have something to say about it to make me feel dumb.

Don't know but the way you try and make me feel better, just makes me feel worse.

My feeling about this make more sense in my head then out in text.

______________________

Every time i get mad about something or at someone. Or i get upset or sad over something...in my head i can hear her say "Kathy you're such a baby. Why do we always have to baby you?"

And i try to suck it up and stop whining, but i just can't.

Why am i such a baby??

No meat for me.

So my mom is mad at me. Or we are kind of mad at each other...so i've been sitting in my room all day even though she isn't home cause i'm kind of unhappy about this. Well she's upset and we're on no talking terms.

Basically...my family had teryaki today and NO ONE CALLED ME OUT TO EAT.

I didn't even know...now i'm even more upset and hungry. And there's no more meat left.

The Walrus:

Found this today as i was browsing on Tumblr. First i was like this is cute and then i was like NO WAY THIS IS HELLA CUTE. How perfect for my blogspot. So here it is. The Walrus.

Fantasia

I love fantasia. I love their hot taro milk teas & lychee honey milk tea. ♥ ♥

I want it now, badly. I crave for it. So delicious in my mouth.

I burned my neck the other day with my hair straightener.

& I told my mom bout it and she was like wow how the heck did you do that.

Was walking around with her in public this morning with my hair up and she looks at my neck and she said, "You're neck is gross. Why do you even have your hair up? You should put it down, otherwise people are going to think you're doing bad things."

Hm...i'm assuming that she's referring to hickeys. & if i'm assuming correctly, then i guess my mom knows more than i thought! Haha. And i thought she didn't know. I wonder what other thing she knows about little teenagers. Gotta be careful about what i do in the future, huh. Lol.

p.s. T.I is one sexy ass black man. Mmmm so sexy, so yummy. Heh. :p

Diffuser

I really wish my hair could be super wavy on days i want it to be. Nice defined waves...

Well somewhere i heard that diffusers are suppose to give waves to my hair with nice definition...

Heard that somewhere. Then i realized...shoot maybe its just for people with curly hair because it'll just define their curls nicely.

What a shame. I just want curly or super wavy hair for one day. Sigh.

& i don't even know how to use this diffuser. Haha.

my mouth is watering

So many cravings right now.

I really want some Chipotle or any type of mexican food. MmmmmmmmMmm.

I also want some frozen yogurt from Orange tree, the one in great mall.

Wait yah, thats it. But seriously, Mexican food sounds amazing. AMAZING.

The lady on desperate housewives was munching on chimichanga and it just looked delicious.

Snake

Someone asked me today, "Why are you always dressed up?" I don't know why. o_o
I kind of felt a little bit insulted by this question for some reason. But i really don't know why i "dress" up. I actually...come to think of it, i don't really dress up. I just dress. Heh.

New Discovery!

Youtube is not just a place to go to watch all sorts of videos on your free time when you're bored. Oh no sir-eee. Apparently, you can do so much more. o:

Here's what you do:

1. Go to Youtube.com

2. Find a video that has their new video players

3. Press pause (or maybe you don't really have to)

4. Hold down the left arrow key

5. Play Snake :3

I love tumblr. I find so many cool interesting things on that site. Haha.

2 more days till another big step into growing up.

2 more weeks till summer school ends.

Pewpew, i am excited.

Truth

For some reason i want to get cornrows on one side of my head just for the hell of it.

I gotta learn how to accept myself, and be true to who i am.

For me that would be easier said than done.

Dreamland

Hi, just got back from a day out. It was fantastic.
Let me tell you about it...

After school, Lisa and i sat in front of Irvington for about two hours. Don't know why. We were socializing with our peers i guess. Was sitting there for longer than i hoped for. Ran out of energy cause eventually i got super hungry. So after the two hours, Lisa and i, along with a few other people, went across the street to the Pizza Palace for some pizza. It was delicious. Well i don't know what happened, but we ended up sitting in there for probably another hour or so. -______- We were supposed to go watch a movie right after school but people ended up having things to do after school...so our plans kind of got ruined. I guess thats why there was a whole lot of sitting around involved. Lisa and i were kind of confused as to what was going on, so we left the pizza palace and said goodbye to our friends and headed home.

We walked down Grimmer (I think?) to this hair salon called Le Visage because we wanted to get price quotes to get our hair done. The place looked really nice and fancy, so it was no surprise when we looked up the prices and they ended up being way higher than what we can afford. Left the place saddened because we can't afford expensive haircuts. Stopped by Taco Bell to get ourselves some water for the rest of our trip home. Ended up sitting in there for a little bit to rest. Met a very odd man who offered to get me some more water. He creeped us out just a bit so we decided to leave.

It was a nice walk home. Very hot though. But wasn't too, too hot. Which is good.

As we were walking down Driscroll, we saw the car parked on the side of the sidewalk. Usually, my first instinct would be to look through the windows of the car as i casually walk by. Well this hit me by surprise when i happened to look into the window of the front seat, i was faced with a traumatizing view. This man, had his junk out and was jacking off. Jacking off in his car, in the public! Ugh, it was so disgusting. I don't know how people can actually think thats an okay thing to do. Whatever though i guess...its a free world. At least he wasn't doing it totally out in the open. Yuck. Never in my life....

Went to the mall and walked around with Lisa as she bought stuff. I'm broke and can't afford anything i want. I hate going to the mall and not having money. :(

Met up with our friends a little bit later to go watch Inception. It was such a good movie. Oh my goodness. So mind blowing! I was confused for most of it, but i caught on to what was going on.

Kay thats it, i just wanted to mention that i watched inception, and it was great.

SO SLEEPY RIGHT NOW & i don't even know why. Maybe it was my long walk. Goodnight.

New Layout?!

So i was kind of getting bored of my old blogspot layout. Been having it for a longass time. Went to go change it, but apparently blogspot got a whole bunch of new modified templates. I thought they were kind of ugly, but whatever. Yay for changes. Baby steps. :p

I kind of like it so far. Look at the color of my links when you hover over them. Hot Pink! O:

So pretty...

Day 27: The friendliest person you knew for only one day

That's really hard to say actually. I would hope that people who i find friendly, are people that would stay in my life for quite some time. Unless they're old and i met them randomly somewhere...i guess that's a different story. Can't think of anyone that i only knew for one day that i found very nice though. If anything, i just can't remember. Oh well.

Maybe someone from chatroulette. Heh.

K. that's it. Bye.

~~~

If there's a crush and they seem to not be cooperating, you say "fuck it, idgaf anyways!"

Move on with life, and all is good. Because there is definitely someone out there who will make an effort. I mean...if they're not making an effort in the first place, what's the point? They just don't like you enough to make the effort.

Imo.

Mostly directed towards girls. I (emphasize on "i") feel like, girls shouldn't have to try hella hard to get a guy. I mean i guess try, but don't try so hard. You know? Cause like i said, if he isn't trying he doesn't want you. Then he's not worth it.

IMO!

V(^_^)V

Went to the beach today. This summer i went to the beach quite a few times already. Today is the first time out of all those days that the weather was just perfect at the beach. The sun was shinning, the weather was warm & the water felt so nice against my skin.

We left early(well at 1230 or something) and headed off to get our tan on. Everything seemed to go smoothly. Windows down, wind blowing in my face. Fresh breeze that felt so nice. Music blasting at a nice level. Singing along to summer tunes. Yah, everything was nice. Unfortunately, as we were having such a nice drive. Almost there. Just on the highway, the car decides to give up. Engine over heats. Next thing we know, we ended up sitting at a mini turn-out spot on the highway for two hours. Now here's where the great hotness of the weather, was not so great. It began to feel real hot. We began to get bored. So sad that our friends who drove off behind us were probably already at the beach at this point, splashing around in the water and not feeling hot.

Luckily for us, the car broke down and decided to stop right at the end of a road that leads to people's homes. Surprisingly, the people who lived up the road were really kind. Many of them drove by and asked us if we needed help. Apparently, many people's cars get broken down right there so if you walk up the hill to where the gates to the houses are, there's a box where they have provided people whose cars overheat hella gallons of water! What a relief. I'm no car person, i have no idea what happened to the car. I just know that first the engine over heated. Then something was leaking; apparently it's something about a pistol...i'm not sure. But we were hoping the car would get working again so we can head on our way but it never did. We gave up hope because the car really seemed to not work. Had to call up AAA, and then CHP tow truck thing. One of our friends had to come back and pick us up. Well after we go picked up, things got good again. :)

Met a few new people. I love meeting people sometimes. People who are nice make me happy.

Went into the water. Got buried in the sand.

Drank & glowed. Had good laughs.

After the beach we all went to Little Madfish and had sushi. Hehe. I haven't had sushi in a longass time! But my tummy wasn't really feeling it. I couldn't eat that many pieces of sushi. Couldn't get myself to swallow it. I don't know why. So i didn't get to finish my Philadelphia and ended up giving it away.

Kinda just posted it afterwards, and chilled. It was different. I have never really been so engaged in conversations with other people before. Usually i don't talk much. I just sit and listen. I guess cause these people really know what they're doing. Well not really. They were just making me laugh the whole time. Also probably because they talked to me also. Rather than just have me sit there, you know? Well they were just cracking jokes most of the time. Ahah. It's nothing special.

If i think about it, i enjoy going out and doing stuff. Before, going out would seriously just being going out to e out. Then just sitting around and doing exactly nothing. At least that's what i would be doing. I would sit...and do nothing. Sit and listen. Ugh. So now a days, if there isn't a good enough reason or actually something to do when i go out, i don't really feel up to go out. Mostly because my mom is so anal about me being out of the house...so why make her upset when i'm bouta do nothing. That's one way that i'm thinking about it.

But i mean, going out and doing nothing is actually usually just going out to see people. Although, if i really think about it. These people that i go out to see, really can't even careless about my existence/presence there anyways. So now a days, i don't even care if i see these people or not. I no longer even think of them as "my friends". They're more like...Lisa's friends. Ahah. Cause like i said, i don't talk to them. I don't feel the need to. Unless they wanna talk to me, i'm all ears.

Well i had a good day today. Its been a while since i have really had a good day. I like it when i enjoy myself. (:

Tumblr Famous?

Here are some ways you can possibly become famous.

1. Be famous famous. Like Hollywood famous. - Be an actor(ess) or singer.

2. Famous Comedian? I guess so, right?

3. Talk show.

4. Be on a reality T.V show. Act like a drama king/queen. Get your own reality T.V show.

5. American Idol? Either be really good, and get into the actual show or be really bad that everyone likes you. Or ABCD.

6. Youtube Famous. Get many viewers. Sing, talk to your viewers - make them like you, dance. Youtube comedian i guess! Like Timothy. He's funny, i like him.

7. Tumblr Famous??? Get tumblr. Get followers...

No offense to those who happen to actually be "tumblr famous" though. But i find it a bit dumb...

Mostly because, what the hell did they all do that is so amazing? Because i swear this whole blog thing has become just another hype.

Most of them become well known because they probably submitted one of their pictures to a website that is some what like advertising them (fyfilipinocuties, fyvietcuties, etc...) Then since anything on tumblr that gets posted can get spread like wild fire, people would just simply click the picture because they'll think they're very attractive looking and then follow. Then more and more followers come. Then the tumblr blogger gets their ego boosted a bit.

The majority of their blog posts (that i've seen so far) consists of formspring questions, things that are just kind of typical for a blog - them talking about their day, stuff that bother them, things on their mind - and many many reposts of things they find interesting. But a lot of questions from people they don't exactly know personally. Most of the questions/comments would be like "You're so cute, but you probably get that a lot"

Anyways! I got distracted and lost my train of thought.

Well my point is that most of these "tumblr famous" kids, in my opinion i find totally pointless in even being "tumblr famous". Its as if they love this attention they are getting. Because there are pretty amazing people on tumblr, i gotta say. But those people who actually have like some sort of meaning to their blogs aren't as recognized as much as these kids are. So i wonder, wtheck?

Loosing train of thought again...

Well it gets to a point where these tumblr kids actually set up dates where all these tumblr people from the area that happen to have many fans meet up in a designated area and have a meet and greet.

What is so special? o_o

To be continued...if i ever recollect my thoughts.

*Or read this, because right after i posted this i went to this girl's blog and was reading through her post cause i have nothing else better to do. She just took the words right out of my mouth. I definitely couldn't even have said it better myself.

Summer Reading

So i need to improve... -- can't think of the word.

I need to exercise my intellect. Because i am almost always at a lost for word. I believe that my vocabulary is quite limited. Sometimes i can't even think of a word in my mind, that i would have to look it up. It's a bit sad. Also, sometimes my grammar sucks. Does anyone notice it? That's almost just embarrassing. And lastly, sometimes i even spell things wrong. Not just big words, (not like i use big words to even spell them wrong often in the first place) but also the most simplest of words. -- Did i write that sentence incorrectly. It seems grammatically incorrect.

I feel like an idiot sometimes when i try to pour out my thoughts, because i have no idea how to form my words together to have a nice flow. Its all mumbo jumbo.

So here is my brilliant idea. Reading! Reading is the BEST and probably one of the only ways to exercise my intellect, do you agree? Well i used to read a lot during the summer. Then i suddenly stopped. Oh gosh, i have read so many good books. I loved buying new books to read. (:

Too bad, i'm currently poor and i feel like buying books is definitely not something i should really be investing money on at this time, so i can't really buy books. I also never really go to the library, and if i do...i'm kind of too lazy to look through all the selection of books and find one or two to bring home to read. The other thing is that i hate the deadline of when i need to bring the book back, or i'll have to pay a fine. Even though i can renew it, its a little bit pressuring.

So my solution is re-read all the books that i have already read in the past! Yay! Hehe.

Its not like i really remember what most of the books are about anyways...and such a waste that i bought them just to read them once. Might as well, right? Make my moneys worth!

I told myself this at the beginning of the summer that i'm going to start reading again. I even left a book on my table to i can read it. Never got to it, because i have been awfully lazy. Well no promises to myself that i'm going to read. I guess this whole summer reading is just an idea. And this post is just for motivation. If it works, it works. Knowing me, i might become too lazy and pass out on my bed. My poor brain...

My first book on my list, the one on my desk, is Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris.

I got this book summer after Freshman year. I brought it into summer school, because my class required me to bring in a book to read. My teacher asked me "are you really ready this book?" and of course i said yes. She seemed a bit shocked because i guess it didn't seem like a book for people of my age to read. She told me its a good book, and that it happens to be one of her favorite. I finished it in about a week. I didn't really have a life that summer. Haha. Sat in my living room on the couch almost every day reading this book. Little by little.

I think for a while, David Sedaris became one of my favorite authors. I totally forgot what this book is about, so i'm eager to read it again. That is if i ever get to it right. Heh.

Its Wildly Entertaining.

Age Requirements

Not sure if i ever wrote about this, at the moment i'm not sure what i've posted up on here, tumblr or made a comment on twitter.

My job hunt is going very unsuccessfully. I applied or tried to apply at many different places already. Each time i find their application, i run into the same situation. Almost every place requires me to be at least 17 years of age, or even worse 18 years. I get more and more annoyed each and every time i run into their little disclaimer.

Especially F21. Their age requirement really pisses me off. They have two check boxes asking how old i am...

Are you 16 or over? 􀀀 Yes 􀀀 No

Are you 18 or over? 􀀀 Yes 􀀀 No

Persons under 16 years of age are NOT eligible for employment at Forever 21 Persons under 18 years of age are NOT eligible for employment at Forever 21 and and its companies. its companies in the following states: AL, AR, CA, CO, CT, DE, DC, FL, HI, IN, KY,

LA, MA, MD, ME, MI, MN, NV, NH, NJ, NY, NC, OH, OR, PA, RI, TN, WA, and WI.

First of all, it states that anyone under the age of 16 may not work with their company. I read that part and sparkled with excitement for a second until i ran into the pink line saying that people under 18 also may not work with their company...in the fallowing states, including the state in which i reside. Now heres what just bugs me. How are they bouta ask me If i'm over 16 and then not allow me to work there? And thats a lot of states mentioned! Might as well just not allow anyone bellow 18 to work at any F21 store, period. To make it fair you know? Sigh.

Along with F21, many other retail stores wont hire anyone under the age of 18 either. So i have no luck finding a job in a mall. Which is both a good and bad thing. The fact that i'm not even old enough to work at a clothing store is someone helping me save money. Because for most people, working in a mall means spending your paycheck at the mall after receiving it.

However, Hollister and Ambercrombie & Fitch are hiring people that are at least 17 years old. Which i almost am. Not so bad. I would just have to wait another month to actually apply there. The only thing now, is i'm desperately in need of a job right now. Mother is no longer giving me money, and i want to buy myself stuff. :(

Anywhere else that is hiring and that i applied for, just isn't calling me back. Bummer. -_____-

But i guess i'm in no rush. I can wait another month. Just wait and see when i end up not getting a call back from their company. Then i wont know what to do...then i would have to resort to working at a food place.

What to do...

Anyone need a maid? I'm an amazing cleaner!

Heat wave

Its very hot and suffocating in here.

My room is a mess, and i believe that may be part of the problem of my suffocation.

I do not have AC, and if i do...i hav e no idea where it is located. I know my house has a heater though...

If i open up my window, will it help or is that just going to let more heat into my room?

This warmth in my house is really powerful. Its making me weak, and lazy. Its making me a bit woozy and dizzy.

The worse thing about being hot, is being hot after a work out and sweating. Sweating and your shirt seems to stick to your body. Your body is just sticky. The worse part about sweating is sweating and being a girl. Because girls have to wear both a bra and a shirt.

imo.

So you're a girl. You're sweating, and you just feel really icky. Your bra strap is just kind of uncomfortable, and you just want to take it off to let your body breathe. But you can't. Can't just take off your bra. Can't just not wear a bra. Well i mean you can, its a free world...go for it.

Earlier, i took a walk. It was a long walk and on my way home i was just dying to break into a sprint to get into my house, but i didn't want to look like a fool running frantically to escape the eat with a purse in to hang on to and my top flying against the breeze of the run. How would that look huh. So i just stuck to speed walking. Walking outside in the afternoon is equivalent to walking in the dessert.

Got home and dropped all my stuff on the floor. Oh goodness, i felt so nasty. Took a cooold shower, which felt really nice. Heh.

Sometimes it sucks when a girl can't walk around in her under garments in her own home, without feeling weird. Its not fair that guys can walk around half naked. Oh well i guess. Clothes or no clothes, it would still be hot.

Good thing its not as hot as it could be. When it is as hot as it could be, i'll complain more.

Boy you get me hot

I'm so close to having it, but i'm afraid of the outcome of when i actually get it.

Sometimes things are better from afar. Then when you finally get it, its just not as great as you assumed. Which sucks huh...the only thing to do now is just fuck it and let it happen.

All these days in one.

Because i'm hella annoyed of just making hella short posts about this 30 day shit.

Day 18: Someone who pesters your mind

So i looked up what pester meant because i don't know what it meant.

Three people in the world who really "pester" my mind.

Three different reasons as to why.

Just because you left my life in a way i wish you hadnt. Just because you piss me off so much that when i think of you, i can't help but say ew. Just because how the way you show yourself, it makes it seem like you don't give a fuck. Which you probably don't. You don't take shit from anyone. Which bugs me. That's it.

Day 20: The one that broke your heart the hardest

Hi. You're an asshole. I keep saying that if i ever saw you again, i'd be hella happy. You left me so suddenly. But then, if i see you...if i had the courage, if i wasn't afraid you'd get your "pot-nas" to come shank my ass, i would fucking yell at your shady ass. But first i want to know why. But then idgaf. Get the fuck outta my sight.

If you ever to "fall" for me again. I would do the exact same thing you did to me. But i'm not that low, i just wouldn't let you have it. But i know you're never coming back. I got over it. Bye.

Day 21: Someone you judged by their first impression

I don't really judge people much. But...i have my moments.

I saw this girl. She sat down, and i examined her. Thought to myself - this girl can't be straight. Well turns out, i was right. She's not straight. I find that really cool.

Freshman year, the boy that sat in front of me in math. Damn who the hell is this guy. He looks like a dork. He has a hole in his shirt, why is he wearing it. He became one of my really good friends that year. He's really cool. I love him. Too bad, we lost touch. Barely even talk anymore. Kind of miss it. Stupid ROP. I blame ROP. I never got the notebook back. :(

Day 22: Someone you want to give a second chance to

The problem with this question is...well if i wanted to give them a second chance, i would have done that already.

I don't hold grudges. I happen to be very forgiving. If anything, it would be me hoping the other person would give me a second chance. Well i gave up on hoping they'll give me a second chance. I don't think its ever going to come. So i guess it's whatever.

But Dear person, if you were to give me a second chance...i wouldn't change much. The only thing i would do differently is make is completely obvious how much i love you and how much you mean to me. Don't let this get to your head though. If you treat me like you're better than me, i'm bouta be hella unhappy.

Day 23: The last person you kissed

Lol. I don't miss kissing you at all. (:

I know you feel the same way. Whatever.

Day 24: The person that gave you your favorite memory

Dont even know what my favorite memory is. I can't think of any. All my memories are...not favorite worthy.

Lol. So negative.

Day 25: The person you know that is going through the worst of times

I would have to say that person is my mom. And without going into so much depth, all i have to say to my mom is that i'm tryna find a job to help you out. No worries!

Day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise to

Don't remember. Heh. I made a pinky promise with Lena though. I told her not to tell anyone. Forgot what it was. Pointless, so pointless.

Day 18

I don't wish to be anyone else. I'm totally content with being myself. The only thing would probably be, i wish i was a better version of myself. Now that totally just contradicts me saying that i am happy with myself...but if i could just careless. That's it.

Shits stupiddd.

Social Networking.

Sometimes i sit here mad at the world, but more mad at myself for being so worthless. I get a fat urge to delete all source of social networking - cept my blogs - because i see no point in it. Just i can't get myself to do it. Because i know that this is just one of my "moments" and soon i'll be happy again and i'll need my social networking sites.

But what is my use for it exactly? I find it incredibly boring. Whether i am happy with life or not. Its just kind of boring. I get to stalk people, i guess...

Its true that social networking sites are so people can stay in contact with you. So they'll know who you are and that you exist. However, if people really actually wanted to stay in contact with you, and want to know who you are and that you exist they will find a way to. Then you'll see who really cares.

Because there's only about 4 people that really care. The other few hundred, i don't even talk to. ahah. Funny.

Bad day?

So the way i see it...

When you're having a bad day, the worse thing to do is sit around and mope about why it's such a bad day. What you do is figure out why the hell your day is going so terribly, and then think about the bright side of it. Once that is complete, you get up go out and cheer your ass up.

Easier said then done?

When you're sad for a reason, you think of the better days. Say, it's not that bad. C'mon now. Cheer up pal...

When you're sad because someone might have caused you to be in that state, think about the good things the person has done for you. Don't be sad.

Put a smile on your face, make the world a better place.

Oh yah.

If you're down in the dumps and crying your eyes out. Should listen to that song and smile. Then think about how ridiculous you look. Smiling and crying.

-

Because i have more anger stored in me than she does, but i learned to let it go. Let it go, and forget it. Because its not worth it to hold onto that anger. Just isn't.

Day 17: Polka dots

Skipped two days, couldnt think of anything to write about.

______

Dear girl from preschool,

I remember way back then in preschool, every now and then we would have these days where we just play. Well i mean, thats all you did in preschool really ._. Well the place actually set up game booths and a little kiddie pool. You know, those inflatable pools!

I don't remember much. Either i was new or didn't know that i was able to splash around, but i didn't bring a swimsuit. This girl, i don't even remember her name. I just remember she was a little taller than me and had curly hair. So friendly. Girl, gave me her swimsuit!! It was black and polka dotted, with ruffled sleeve things. the back had two big holes so if i were to tan id have two circles on my back. I remember asking her what she would use, and she had another one...but she let me have her bathing suit.

So dear girl from preschool, thanks for he bathing suit. You probably hella made my day since you gave the opportunity to go splash around in the kiddie pool. ♥

July 5th

Went to the beach yesterday. I drove all the way up to Santa Cruz, and holy cow driving that long in traffic is a pain in the butt. At least now i know i'm capable of being able to drive there! (:

Hella last minute planning with my sister, her daughter and Lisa.

To our surprise though, hella people were bouta head up there too. Went to seabright, drove for bout three hours.

Saw Micko & his cousin. And then later met up with hella other people. It was such a nice experience, watching fireworks on the beach. Too bad it was hella cold.

___________________

Took a break from my whole not sitting in front of my laptop all day thing to come and blog. Haha. I just finished mixing up some batter for cupcakes with Lena. She hella wanted to make cupcakes for hella days now. Finally thought i would help her with it today. (: I'm so excited to eat 'em. I have a crazy sweet tooth right now.

Washed my car today. Its hella fucking clean, and i'm so proud. Teeheee. :D

I need to find more things to keep me active and out of my room more often.

Lost

I think at this point, i can now say that withing less than a year i lost two people that have really mattered to me. Today is the day i finally realized that its a point of no return.

You can't recapture a moment you once had. It'll just never be the same once its gone. So is there even any point of trying to regain it?

At first i had a really strong feeling that it was possible, but then knowing that in their mind it has also ended...it's really done. There isn't much i can do. I seem to always try to hard, but never succeed.

Maybe i'll try again. You can never have enough patience. Who knows, huh.

I'll just have some hope.

Sorry.

Sometimes people don't understand what dealing with my mother is like.

People tell me, it shouldn't be that hard to get my mom to accept the things i do.

I remember someone would always tell me;

You're not trying to hangout with me. You're not trying at all.

& i respond saying - i am trying, you just don't understand...

and they just kept insisting how much i'm not trying at all. But i was. They just really didn't understand. My mom isn't like anyone else's mom. She's not at all easy going. I mean, every parent is different. You can't just assume that it's that easy.

Going out is nothing. I know what my mom is like, how she gets when i go out or do something. So i try not making her angry and i sit at home. I may hella care how i'm always sitting at home and doing nothing, but i can just be like that. I've been sitting at home doing nothing most of my life, i can deal with it. Going out every now and then is just the best it'll get for me. The most fun i get to have is mostly when i go out with my sister or go to school. Only now and then i get to go out and have fun.

People complain. C'mon Kathy, it's summer! You're never out.

Cause i just can't. My mom might have not said it. but I know it.

My mom doesn't understand. She never will. I can't talk to her about how "its summer, let me enjoy it." or "i'm young. i'm at the point where i can't just sit at home doing nothing" She doesn't understand. Even if i tell her i'm with a friend that she could trust. There isnt any trust at all anywhere. Not for me. As long as i'm still her daughter, i wont be trusted. People need to stop telling me to make her understand, i don't know how else i can have her understand. I try to have her understand, and i get yelled at.

People wonder what i do. People wonder how much i go out. Its not that much really. You want to know what my life really actually consists of everyday after school? Summer school, regular school. I come home, clean, eat, and fall asleep. I fall asleep till the sun comes down wake up and have dinner and go back to bed when its bedtime. Do you sound how pathetic that is?

So every evening i go over to my sisters and sleep there. Because so far thats one of the only ways i really can go out without getting held back. And sometimes people tell me i go there all the time. I have a reason. It doesn't make a difference if i'm at home. If i'm at home, i'll still be at home. Except i'll be be at home bored to death.

I came home today after summer school at 4. I was out for three hours. I don't know if thats considered a long time or what. I haven't been out in two weeks. Well since last Monday. I came home and my mom yelled at me. Saying shit like she always days. Previous to today, i was told to get my ass out of the house by my friends. I keep telling them i can't. I can't! I don't want to get yelled at. I really don't.

I say its not fair. I don't want to sound like a brat but i find it unfair. Unfair that all the time as i'm out trying to enjoy myself, my mom is yelling at me through the phone telling me to get my ass home. Only my mother would do that. I have to sit there in front of everyone and pretend that my mom isn't really mad at me so i don't worry anyone. So i don't have to stop other people from enjoying their time just to take my poor ass home. Another reason i stay home is so i don't have to rush people into taking me home at such short notice

I really feel like such a brat for complaining so much, and i'm sorry. I never make anyone read my rants. Its all on you. & so i'm done, cause i realized i'm being dumb.