Diet: Day 17

I started a diet with my boyfriend at the beginning of this year on January 4th. We didn't start exactly on January 1st because i wanted one last weekend to indulge.

This diet is basically keeping track of the foods i eat to hit my "macros". Which are the proteins, carbs, and fats that i intake daily. We found my maintenance level which is at 1700 calories a day. This maintenance level is how much i consume each day to maintain the weight that i'm at. (Sounds like a no brainer actually.) With that, i have a limit of how much grams of proteins, carbs, and fats i can have within that 1700. And i will have to eat exactly that much proteins, carbs, and fats, but can not exceed the amount set.

The fact that it's said that i can basically eat whatever i want sounds like it could be a cake walk. First couple of days of dieting, i found that it wasn't too bad. I am now on day 17 of my diet and i'm finding that it is not at all the case.

Sure i can eat whatever i want...but if what i want contains high amount of fat/protein/carbs, then the rest of the day i'm very limited to what i can eat. Sure i can eat whatever i want, but i can't eat whenever i want. I really have to time when i eat. I can't just snack at my leisure. Every.Single.Thing. that i put into my body has to be "tracked" down into my eating log. Little snacks means fats and carbs. Fats and carbs that are eaten means that my ratio of fats, carbs, and protein ratio will be off. Which means, later when i may have to consume a large amount of protein with a small amount of carbs (i.e rice and chicken).

It seems to be complicated sometimes when i have to explain to them. It sounds like a lot of work. I have never been one to go to these extremes. I have dieted last year, to just look good in Vegas. I ate whatever i wanted within reason. There was a lot of self control, as there is for any type of diet. I stayed away from sweets and watched what i ate. It wasn't too hard then. In the end, i had good results. I was happy.

This is a whole different diet altogether, and i have to say that i am on the verge of losing it and giving up. Sometimes i get moody. The fact that i can't eat fruit whenever i please (because it means carbs) upsets me. I can't REALLY eat whatever i want.

My mind may need some more time adjusting.

Reasons why i'm not giving up:
1. I have started this and i want to go through with it, with the best of my ability. Till it completely breaks me and i have some type of break down. That's when i will quit. But i haven't reached that point yet, so i believe i should keep going.
2. I really want to see the outcome of this, because according to my bf if i continue with this diet i won't have to do cardio. I hate cardio.
3. I could end up looking hella sexy, so it'll all be worth it IF i make it till the end.
4. No pain, no gain?

I just want a chalupa right now and some potato chips. Also boiling crab. But...yah.

Toodles ~

Dreaming

The other night, i had a dream that God was in.

Really strange to me. God came to my work and was talking to me, he told me Mary and his son was coming. By his son, i'm thinking Jesus. At first i was thinking it was Jesus that came. But then as i thought about how he had said Mary and his son was coming, i'm thinking maybe it was actually God instead cause his son has to be Jesus.

Although, we are all children of God.

I'm wondering what this means, very strange to me that the holy spirits have made an appearance in my dreams. I wish i can remember more clearly what he spoke to me about. Is this one of those holy moments where God/Jesus/Mary visits you??????

In my dream, he wore red shoes.

Maybe this isn't of any significance. Maybe it was because i was sleeping through my alarm, and that's why he was at my work. I did wake up late for work, but somehow managed to still make it.

Sort of hope i have another dream where they come, i hope they send me positive vibes.

This fall...

It's raining outside right now, and i'm sitting here thinking about how Thanksgiving is about a day away. But actually, my family will be celebrating it TONIGHT. So, i'm pretty excited about that. Usually, i like to prepare a dish for the family just to have something to contribute, but i have work and class all day tomorrow and won't have the time to do that. That's something a bit disappointed about. Preparing dishes is something Lena and i do almost every year together for the holidays. This year, she will be doing it on her own.

I always do try and recognize the blessings in my life each day. I suppose this holiday itself makes me really think about it on a deeper level. Kind of cliche at this point, don't you think?

I have a new niece and a new brewing relationship that came upon me this year. Two events of which i am more than thankful for.

My niece, Everly, was born November 10, 2015! I think she is the most adorable little baby. That's a biased opinion, of course i'd have to think she's the dearest of them all. I'm impatiently waiting for her to grow some more and start babbling and recognizing the world around her. She's boring right now, all she does is sleep whenever i go visit her. I've changed her diaper twice, and once out of the two she peed all over the place after i took her diaper off. I can stare at her forever (or more like for 2 minutes with a five minute break).

Pictures to come.

I have met someone earlier this year, who i think is fantastic. I've tried to refrain writing about him, more just because i wanted to keep this relationship more low-key than i have with the last in terms of writing about my adornment for him on and on.

Two new things in my life i'm very grateful for, but can't forget what has always been around for me.

It's been a while since i've been genuinely happy with myself. Things have been going well.

Alone

I've changed a lot over the years, in many aspects. I'm always surprising myself somehow, whether it's good or bad. A lot of my actions are questionable, and i wonder how much more i can grow from where i am today.

They say that you need to truly be at peace with yourself till you can truly be happy in your own skin. You need to accept how it is to truly be alone -- to be happy and alone -- otherwise you will always find yourself depending on someone else as a source of happiness.

I am happy with life, for the most part. In that case, "for the most part", am i really truly happy. Perhaps i haven't yet truly learned what it's like to be absolutely alone in purely the presence of myself. If i really think about it, i'm never really alone. There will always be someone there to text, a couple clicks away. Just to keep me company when i am alone.

Come to think of it, i don't think i know how to be alone. I get bored. I get lonely. And i just don't know what to do with myself. What do people do when they're enjoying their own company? I'm not that enjoyable for others to be around...i'm awkward.

Maybe these are the types of revelations i need to have with myself to really understand who i am as a person.

This blog post actually did not go in the direction that i had originally planned. I started off thinking that i am happy. I mean i AM happy. After pondering my thoughts, i feel like there's more i need to learn about myself. More ways i need to grow.

And once you think that you've had it all figured out, you really don't.

Toodles ~