Untitled.

I can't exactly say what it is that draws me towards him. And i can't understand what it is about him that attracts other females. I just can't put a finger on it. People say looks don't matter, but it's looks that makes you even want to approach someone in the first place.

When i first met him, i don't feel like it was his looks that drew me to him. In fact, i'm pretty sure it wasn't his looks at all. I still can't figure out what it is. As time grew on, and as my love grew fonder, he became the most beautiful man i have ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes on. It's funny how love does that. It makes the person you love become a god/goddess. Then i always look back to when i first met him. Scrawny guy and all. Looks was far from what i saw. It did not cross my mind once how "cute" he was. 

Yet now, i sit back and i observe. Now here i am, not in his arms, and there are what seems like swarms of females. Not really, just a couple. But it has never occurred to me, is he what i think he is? Handsome? So it wasn't just the relationship goggles making me think he was beautiful, but he really is in real life? 

Yet so why did people keep telling me i could do better. 

What was it that drew me to him, i can't put a finger on it. 

But i guess it doesn't really matter now anyways. 

This Woman's Work | Maxwell

Now...

Way back then, when beepers were a thing, before texting was a huge thing...teenagers and young adults all over would spend their nights in bed on the phone with their crush. But now...we sit here in the dark, with a tiny cube. With the led light shinning in our faces, texting each other in silence.

Sad.

Addiction

Anyone who has an addiction to anything, knows how hard it is to get yourself to pull away from what it is you're addicted to. Whether it's drugs, alcohol, what have you. And we all know how hard it is to quit cold turkey.

How do you really get over a bad addiction? Does gradually getting less and less of that substance to fill your small cravings here and there really help, the way you think it might? Is cold turkey really the key here.

It's an addiction, because it became a habit. It became something that was just part of you in one way of another. It's what you just fiend for, what you find that you need. It brings some type of "ecstasy" to you...

"I'm addicted to you"
This single line, is played in many songs. Is it signifying that being addicted to someone is a good thing. Or maybe its just a phrase to signify how extreme one's feelings are for another person.

Which makes me wonder...is it unhealthy to find yourself, in one way or another, "addicted" to someone? The thought occurred to me today...

"...you should love your companion more than you need them." I've written this quote up in one of my previous blog posts before. Really makes me think, now that i'm in the process of healing. I feel like trying to get over this past relationship is like i'm trying to give up an addiction. Trying to let go a part of me that has been rather constant for the past two and half years or so. Trying to let go of what had become a habit, a routine of my everyday life.

Perhaps substituting that addiction with another addiction...but what?

Fix It

"I can't fix it, if you don't tell me what's wrong"

Nothing can be fixed, if you never address the problem.

Advice from me.

Pain

I gave up on that happiness challenge thing. Well, i actually forgot about it because i have been sort of busy the past couple of weeks due to finals and all.

There has been many times where i've opened up blogger and started to write something, but i would never be able to find the write words to express my feelings. It's strange because when i'm down, that's when i think the most, but lately i just haven't been able to express them through words. My emotions are just feelings without words that can not be described.

These past couple of days, i have been a train wreck. Full of non stop tear works, and i just don't know how to turn this off. I don't really know what has gotten into me.

The pain of heart break is equivalent to the feeling of physical pain. But i wish so much that i was in physical pain instead of emotional pain. Because physical pain will subside quickly...emotional pain takes too long to heal.



I actually came upon this video months ago, before the break up. I didn't go off looking up a video about heart break, lol. But i had to go back to it, because now i can relate. And he's right. It's like physical pain, i feel it in my heart. I definitely rather have fallen out of a building and broken my leg, than feel this pain i feel now. But it is what it is, isn't?

Say Something

Go Away

My question here is: Are you happy in your relationship? 

If you have to take a moment to think about your response, i suggest you reevaluate what you're doing in that particular relationship. 

If you're answer is yes, then what in the world are you doing over here trying to bring up shit, saying shit like, "if i wasn't in a relationship..." type things. GIRL, please. Know better, will you? Get out of the damn relationship then, and make that IF happen. Otherwise, don't speak upon it.

How can you sit there in your relationship, and then go talk to an ex-lover about your past feelings. Schedule to meet up with the dude, and then say shit like "if i was singe". Basically saying that you'd be all for him if you weren't tied down already. 

Come on girl, please. Go away.

Christmas is around the corner, and you've been rather naughty.

Hoe, hoe, hoe to you my dear. 

1,2,3

Sorry! (Not like anyone really cares that i've been missing...)
It's not like i've been really busy the past couple of days, but i've been too tired by the end of my day to really want to write. I've also been in quite a crummy mood these past couple of days.

Monday, November 25th:
The only thing i could really think of at this moment that made me smile that day was the fact that i finished my project for ICS 11. It wasn't as hard as i thought it would've been. I finished it a lot quicker than i anticipated also. So that was nice. I stayed up late though because i was helping Steven with his project.

Tuesday, November 26th:
Well, I actually didn't get very good sleep Monday. I don't think i slept in a bad position or anything, but then i woke up with knots in my knock, and shoulders. It was terrible. I think that caused me to be in a bad mood all day. School was a drag. And honestly, sometimes being around Steven (my ex) just puts a huge downer on my mood. Idk.

Okay, i'm talking about negative things when i should be say what made me happy that day.
I guess the only thing i can think of -- since i had an overall bad day -- would be that i played well in volleyball? Lol...idk.

Wednesday, November 27th:
I finally had work today! Seriously, my boss is giving me less hours or something. Next weekend, i have more hours though. I think only because she's firing one of the new hires. I got less than $80 on my paycheck this week, i'm hella mad about that....

But i'm glad i got in four hours today. I picked up this girls shift today, because i wanted to get Sunday off so i can go wild Saturday night (if at all possible ^_^).

That's about all i guess! Goodnight, all.

Project

Sometimes, i feel like maybe there just isn't enough hours in the day. Not enough for me to have the time to sit down and blog on the appropriate day. It's funny though, because although i don't really even do anything each day, i still don't have the time.

Took Lena to the mall yesterday because she wanted to find a dress to wear for her birthday dinner coming up soon. She's turning fourteen. Boy does time fly....she's growing up so fast, and getting so mature.

Ended up just going over to my sisters last night, to spend time with my sister and Lena. We had a movie night, with pizza.

My sister and i then discussed the possibilities of me starting on a project that i can do, that correlates with her wedding business. I feel like it would be a good opportunity for me, just so i can get my head out of the ground (yes, the ground), and involve myself in something. So, let's see how this project goes. And how far i can take it. Hoping for the best right now! Wish me luck!

Svedka

I didn't really do anything yesterday. I really didn't...i just went to work, and then when i came home and finished running my errands i took a fat cat nap. It was absolutely wonderful, and very much needed.

That's basically all i did.

It wasn't until later that night, around 12, that i actually went out and did something. So, for the first time in my life i just got up and walked out of my house hella late at night and didn't tell my mom. I think it's funny because i've never done that before. Haha. Lightweight felt like a badass. A little badass. Heh.

My night went well though, i went to a party with my friend Yayda. Who was a real gentleman, i guess. He opened the passenger door for me -- who does that anymore? It was a refreshing thought.

It was nice to just be around people, even though i didn't really know anyone. I love the vibe of chill parties. People are just nice. I guess, for the most part. I fight broke out, but i didn't really pay much attention to it. I was just a bit tipsy, and it was just enough for me to enjoy myself as i sat there and watched people.

Came home, crawled into bed and just smiled to myself. I smiled to myself, because i went out and enjoyed myself. I drank, and didn't feel overwhelmed with emotional sadness. And i find that to be an improvement in my healing process. So i went to sleep last night with a smile on my face, because i'm happy that i'm okay.

ICS 11

So, i have to do a project for my African American studies class that is due on Tuesday. I want to try and get out of the habit of procrastinating, especially since i don't really do anything with my days much anymore. Well it was either interview someone, or make a family tree up to six generations. For whichever i pick, i'd have to write a five page paper and connect it to African American culture/experience and what we learned in class.

I decided to do the family tree, because i thought that the genealogy websites, like ancestry.com, would have helped me put together all the people in my family. However, that was definitely not the case whatsoever. It hella just stressed me out even more! I spent about four hours on that trying to find family members past my grandparents, but it was just not working out. I feel like it wasn't working for me because majority of my family is in Vietnam still, so they weren't really on file or something. Also, my last name is so common. So, i gave up on that, and decided to just go interview my mom. I learned some interesting things talking to her life, and what it was like for her during the Vietnam War.

Talking to my mom was the highlight of my day, since i didn't really do anything else. Actually, talking to my mom was the best part of the whole entire day.

I love my mom. :)

That's all i have to say for my day.


Oh, and i also face timed Henry today! I'm actually face timing him right now as i type. That was a nice addition to my day as well. ^_^

Okay, goodnight! Ta ta!

Good Day | Greg Street

I didn't really get any sleep at all last night after i finished my mini paper. I was pretty tired, but my mind just did not want to shut off. Ended up getting out of bed at 5:30am, because i gave up on trying to sleep.

Although, i didn't get much sleep, several things that i encountered in the morning, put a smile on my face:

Every Tuesdays and Thursdays, i go to Starbucks in the morning to get coffee before school. I don't usually care for coffee, but i go to school with Steven, and he's addicted to it. One of the baristas showed acknowledgment that she remembered my name! I've never really been a "regular" anywhere before. I told Steven that i was happy about that, and he asked me why. It's a small gesture, and i have been going there a lot...but she didn't have to remember my name. She just did. Whether she intended to remember it or not. I like it when people remember me, in whatever type of circumstance.

Also, as i was standing there waiting for my drink, this older man said to me, "smile! your drink is coming soon!" I may have been standing there, staring into space, and i may have looked upset. That's the only reason i could of why he would tell me to smile. But it did make me smile, him and his friend made a little small talk with me. I didn't quite know what to say in response to anything they were saying though, so i just smiled at them. When i got my drink, very shortly after he told me to smile, he said "see, i told you it was coming soon." Then i said thank you to him, and told him and his friend to have a great day. I really love it when people are really friendly, especially in the mornings. Mornings are tough! So if you can manage to be nice to the people around you, that's just a great thing.

On the drive to school, the song Good Day by Greg Street played on Pandora. That song instantly put a big smile on my face. I hummed it through out the day.



What a positive song, right?

So everything that i took note of that made my smile today, all happened before school started. Once i got to school, i was just tired and became quite stressed out! The rest of my day was just whatever, i wouldn't say it was a pleasant day. Whatever the case, i had a pleasant morning. Thanks to the people at Starbucks. Lol.

Purse

I almost forgot to come back and write my first post for my "happiness challenge"! I drank a little bit earlier, thinking it would have been a good idea to do my homework and drink. Well i drank a little more than i intended, and got a little bit drunk and had to hardest time writing my mini paper.

I didn't do too much today. I stayed in bed till one, for the first time in a really long time. I must have been because of the weather. Well then i got up and ate some food, and went to go workout with my mom. I usually go at night, but i've been going in the afternoons on Wednesdays so i could do homework at night. Yay for productivity! Or something like that...

After the gym i came home and cleaned my room, put in a new air freshener. So my room just smells so great right now! I love it.

Had some dinner, watched some Criminal Minds, and then fell asleep for about 30 minutes due to me drinking while i had my dinner and watched my shows. Bad idea on my part. When i woke up i felt so groggy, and was about to not want to do my mini paper. But i'm proud of myself to forcing myself to get up and do it. So, a brownie point for me! (I wish blogger had smileys that i can insert into my blogs...)

Good thing it was only a mini paper. Two pages, that is. Lol. Thank the lord. I don't think i would have even drank if it was a real big paper. Especially after today, i know not to do such a thing. I struggled a little bit, but when my buzz went down a little my mind came back to me and i got it done.

Anywho, just boring stuff today. But this Phillip Lim purse that i ordered over the weekend, arrived in the mail today before i headed off to the gym! I'm in love with it. It actually arrived right after i finished posting the post about the "happiness challenge". I was thinking about what i could even possibly do today that could make me happy, and next thing i know, i get a knock on the door and it's a package for little ole me.

I even took pictures. Hehe.

Cute little bag. This little bag here is the highlight of my day.
And...that's all i really have to say.

Off to bed i go. Goodnight, sweet dreams. Toodles. Ta ta. Sleep well, my friends.

Happiness Challenge

So, i was on thought catalog, and i came upon this article about a "happiness challenge". Of course, i'd like to do whatever i can to just lighten up my mood in any way what so ever (not like i'm in depression or anything though).

Here, take a gander if you'd like: http://thoughtcatalog.com/bhamini-lakshminarayan/2013/11/take-the-happiness-challenge/

The writer said, "...if nobody cares that you're miserable, you might as well be happy."

So, this will be my attempt at the "happiness challenge". Granted, i don't think i'll be able to keep it up for 365 days, but i'll try it until i'm in a state of mind where i'm just 100% content.

I might as well try and be happy. Even if i'm sad, i feel like it's a great idea to reflect daily on something that made me happy that day. It's sort of like tricking my brain. Or...looking for the silver lining within each day. I love that idea. To be optimistic.

When i find the time later on today, i'll write something. Hopefully i don't forget to do so. Hopefully i keep it up. I'm sort of excited. If i slack off, can someone remind me. Thank you, kindly.

I always want to remind myself that i'm blessed. There's people out there that have it way worse than i do as i sit here moping around about a recent break up, like it's the end of the world.  It's silly to think about really. Haha.

Be back later!

Rain

It's raining cats and dogs today as i write this. You know when you're newly single, when it rains you just suddenly feel sad. Because on days like this when it's cold and gloomy as hell outside, all you want to do it cuddle with someone and have a lazy day. I'm feeling rather indifferent. 

I need to get my head out of my ass and do something with myself from this point forward. It's rather difficult though considering i still have baggage tied down to me. It won't be till mid December when i'll finally just be free. People won't understand the circumstances i'm in, or why i put myself through this. I mean, i know what i'm doing...sort of. I just don't know why. 

Back to the rain thing, i woke up this morning to the sound of the rain. I just felt lazy, but found the rain to be rather soothing. Instead of feeling overwhelmed with sadness that i'm lonely and all. 

Makes me realize, i'm okay. 

C.S Lewis

Love Less

Marry a man who loves you more than you love him. A woman will always give more than what is necessary to her lover. It is ingrained into her, like maternity. But even when a man loves you more, he will still only be able to meet you halfway.

My mom would always tell me to find a man who loves me more than i could love him. In that way, i'm less likely to get heart broken. Because when i love a man more than he loves me, i'm making myself vulnerable to him. Making it easy for him to take advantage of the love that i give.

Another Blog

Please read this, when you get the chance to.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/ryan-oconnell/2011/07/how-to-tell-if-somebody-loves-you/

Opposites Attract | Kendrick Lamar

Sit and listen. Absorb the words, and do you understand?
Do you feel the words.

These are the exactly the reasons why i cheat on you...

And that makes me wonder, will i continue to be treated like shit, if i continue to love the way i do. That's what i want to know. Or will someone actually appreciate me, for the way i am. 

Maybe i should have been more of a bitch. But i take pride in me not being much of a bitch.

Vicious Cycle

A nice girl dates an asshole. He fucks her over, and breaks her heart. She is heartbroken, and unhappy. Filled with bitterness, she becomes a bitch. This bitch dates a nice guy. She ends up breaking his heart. And he starts to feel like all girls are bitches, so he becomes an asshole.

It's some vicious cycle.
I saw a little chart of the somewhere once a long time ago, probably off tumblr. It's not 100% accurate. But it makes sense, in a way. Don't you ever just feel like things are unfair? So when you get out of a relationship, you kind of just want to let yourself go and do whatever the hell you want. I mean after being committed to one person for so long...?

Why does the nice girl become a bitch, and vice versa? Because to be nice is to put yourself in the position to be taken advantage of. People will walk all over you, as though you're a floor mat. So, upon being fucked over by someone you love, you may just feel like "what's the point?" What's the point of being nice, if you'll just get taken advantage of.

So be a bitch, be an asshole. And then you'll be in charge. You'll have the say. You wont get hurt.

But does this idea really make sense? It's just a fucked up thing, it's a fucked up way of thinking. That once we get hurt, we lose hope? We feel like it's pointless to stay true to ourselves, and to the people around us?

I feel like i was a nice girl, who was fucked over. And although i feel like i should grow a back bone, i don't want to become a complete bitch. Never want to amount to that.

It's 4am basically. Excuse me for this rant, i sort of forgot where i was going with it.

All of Me | John Legend

PSA

This is my "public service announcement".

"True love is built on trust, and mutual agreement." Everyone is aware that trust is one of the main things when entering a relationship. It is part of the foundation of a relationship. Without trust, you can't really have a stable relationship. This will just get fucked up, and it wont last as long as you would hope for it to. So, you need to be able to trust your lover, and they need to be able to trust you.

Here's the thing. The second you go out and do something, and you think to yourself, "i can't tell ___ about this, they'd trip out"(or something along those lines), is the moment you've decided to hide something from them and in turn have reduced to lie to them to protect your own ass from any further implications. It always starts with something tiny. A little white lie. Eventually it'll be another white lie, into a lie, into a fat lie. Perhaps the more lies you can get away with, the more often you will be prone to just doing it, to do it. Here is something i found the other day while i was just browsing online that pretty much just sums up what i have to say about lying to a T:

"It's very true, but even the little things count whether it's a romantic gesture or a little white lie about where you were in the night before when you cancelled a movie date. That lie may seem like no big deal at first, but a pattern is more than enough to speculate otherwise. In any healthy relationship, your partner should have no reason to lie to you..."

Lying is a huge betrayal of trust. We should all know this by this time of our lives of course. I think that to avoid lying, we should just avoid the situation of which we find the need to lie about all together. If you're going to have to lie about going to a party, don't go. Granted, if you even find the need to lie about going to a party, the person you're with may be a bit uptight if you think they'll get mad. Which leads me to another thing. Just tell your love what your plans are. To hang out with a person of the opposite sex, go to party, what have you...the thing is, they may get a little upset or even a lot upset. But they'll get over it! As long as your honest about what you're doing. If they have some type of insecurity, you could tell them in detail what you did that night when you went out. Build that trust. Just tell them everything even if they'll be a little upset about it. Cause in the end, it's just great you didn't try to hide the truth. It'll just be really appreciated that you didn't lie. And heck, there's even the possibility of your boyfriend/girlfriend becoming more okay with you doing whatever you want to do. In turn, building a better bond in the relationship. Case in point - don't lie. Honesty = happy couple forever (maybe).

Now, i have another thing i would like to address, which could tie in with my whole "lying" rant.

For the people in a relationship: All i ask if for the two of you to be real with each other. (Yeah, don't lie.) But, beyond that. Tell each other how you feel about situations, don't hold back. If there is something you don't like in particular, address it. Resolve the problem. You two are in a relationship now, you both should be past the point of fucking around with each other's minds. Stop with the mind games. Stop trying to hint to him/her that you want something done, just tell them straight up. What good will it do you if you sit around trying to hint something that you want. No one can read your damn mind. Because if they never figure out what it was you wanted, you'll just be cranky...cause you never got what you didn't ask for. If you want food, tell them you want food. You want an apology, tell them you deserve an apology. You want to be taken out on a date, say so. You want sex, say so! Being in a relationship is having the privilege to ask for sex with that one person whenever you want and not get slapped in the face. Talk, talk, talk. Communication, people. Problems should be talked out, and resolved. Not ignored. Eventually all the little arguments that were never talked out, will pile up into a giant mountain and blow up in both of your faces.

Also, if you're bored, if you have thoughts of wanting to be with other people, if you even have the thought that sometimes you feel like you want to be single, etc...do yourself and the person you're with a favor and figure your shit out.

Don't go ruining something great you have with someone, because you wanted a night of temporary happiness with someone who can't possibly care for you as much as the person you have waiting at home for you

If you're unhappy, unsatisfied, or whatever...either fix that problem within the relationship, or leave. Don't make a fool out of the person you love by sneaking around doing whatever the hell you want, because you're unsure. That's just unfair to them.

Now to the single people, in regards to people who are in a relationship.

Please, please, please. I beg of you with all my might, and power. PLEASE, do not be that person. Don't demean yourself into being "the other man/woman" in someone's life. YOU should have the opportunity to be someone's number one, not the number two late night booty call because someone is unhappy in their relationship, and needs you there with them for the night. I know sometimes, it's hard to resist the temptation of someone you find attractive. But if they're in a relationship, and you're fully aware of this...stay the fuck away. It's that simple. Honestly, how can you really live with yourself knowing you're in the process of wrecking a relationship. I'm not trying to justify it in anyway, but one time and that was a mistake. Sure. But if you continue to do it, there's no possible way you can really be "sorry" for what you've done. You went through with it every single time.

If someone is in a relationship, it's a red flag. It's a no brainer, just don't instigate anything towards them. And if they're coming onto you, well then just don't play along. You should respect a person's relationship. If you were in their shoes, how would you feel. You wouldn't like some sleezy ass, nasty, hoe interfering with your relationship. So don't go home wrecking on someone elses. It was the golden rule that we were taught in grade school guys, "treat others the way you'd like to be treated". If you don't want your s.o to cheat on you, don't allow yourself to be the "sideline hoe" and let someone cheat on their "lover" with you. That's just low. That's just dirty. And i'm disgusted by anyone who in their right mind would knowingly be the home wrecker. Shame on you. So please, just avoid any type of situation that can potentially put you in the position to fuck up someone's relationship somehow like that.

If you're horny, and want to go have a fuck buddy or just fuck someone, go fuck someone who is not in a relationship.

In conclusion, be honest and be real with your lover. Don't hurt someone who loves you hella, always have them in mind. Stay away from temptation. If you're tempted, just think of the person you have to call yours that loves you hella much. If you're unsure, and want other things/are unhappy, just leave. Lastly, don't cheat and don't be a home wrecker.

That's all i have to say. Granted, i'm not perfect...no one is. I just want everyone to have a fair chance with happiness in their relationship.

Red Flag

"...but keep in mind anyone who lies with ease should not be trusted, period. This is a red flag."

Read this somewhere, and then it hit me. Why was i so damn blind the whole time.

Keep Ya Head Up | Tupac

And since we all came from a woman,
got our name from a woman, and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women.
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
and since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a oman when and where to create one.
So will the real men get up?
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up

Keep Ya Head Up | Tupac

Trick or Treat

Are you going to be a trick ass nigga, or are you going to go treat your lady right?


Happy Halloween everyone.

Beware | Big Sean

When you said it was over,
you shot right through my heart.
Why you let these hoes tear what we had right apart?
Oh, i was so mad i could've seen this right from the start.
You should beware, beware, beware of a woman with a broken heart

Beware | Big Sean

Nice Guy

"I just want a nice guy", that's what all the girls say. They get heart broken by some asshole, and they go on about saying they just want a nice guy. But then do they even really give the genuinely nice guys a chance?

See, i thought i was with a nice guy. I thought i've found the guy that was different from the rest. I guess i was looking at it like, he was a good combination of nice with the hint of bad boy. And i liked that. But i guess that's where i went wrong. Maybe i need a nice guy who is 100% nice, and doesn't even have an ounce of bad flare. But would a nice guy like that be into someone like me. 

Ruse

Can the man i'm suppose to spend the rest of my life with just walk into my life, and swoop me off my feet already. I don't want to play the dating game. I don't want to invest my time, and emotions into someone who isn't going to be "the one" anymore. I don't want to spend my time loving a person who won't love me forever. I'm tired of being hurt, i'm tired of the game. I'm tired of loving someone so much, having feelings like "it's going to be forever, baby"...but it was all a ruse.

Damn.

Real Her | Drake

Inching up to two and a half years. And it's been a while since i've written about Steven. It's like word vomit, when i begin to speak of him. Words just fumble out, and sometimes they don't make sense. My brain is a messed up ball of yarn, and i'm in dire need of some help to unravel it.

Proverbs 3:3

"Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart."

A Man

You can call yourself a man all you want. You think you're mighty, strong, and successful. You walk around with your head high, like your the fuckin' shit. Because you have "women" fawning over you, left and right -- so at least you think. You think you can play us, you think you can talk your way out of any situation. You think you have "swag", and you're one smooth talker.

You think you're a man. But are you?

You can't possibly be a man, if you can't treat women as they should be. You can't possibly be a man, if you can't love the way that God has intended us to. You sex up women, and get your ego up. But a real man, knows how to treat a lady right. He won't mess around with multiple women. He won't need to have the satisfaction that he can get some, wherever, anywhere. A real man will be so blissfully happy with one single woman. And all his love, efforts, and shit will be all for her.

You're not a man. You're still merely a boy. A boy, who is greedy. Who wants more than he can have. Who is not easily satisfied, because what he already has just isn't enough.


It's sort of true though. You'll know how a man will treat you, based off the way he treats his mother.

Prince Charming

Prince Charming...the one all we ladies are looking for. But who is Prince Charming in real life? Is he really the Prince you dream of based of a fairy tale story book?

He's the one you should keep an eye out for. Yes, Mr. Charming. I'm saying, guard your heart with all your might when he comes around. Don't fall so easily with his charming wits, and shit. He's the guy that'll know just the right things to say. He wants you to think that he is indeed the Prince Charming you've been searching for, but it's just a mask he's put up.

The thing with that Mr. Charming that you've ran into it, he's just so good with his words. He knows just the right things to say. Where he can just find the way to say it to who ever he pleases. And when he hurts you deeply, he'll know how to charm his way out of any situation.

Prince Charming will melt your heart with his loving words. He'll tell you how absolutely gorgeous you are, till it gets old. And soon enough, Prince Charming will have to go find another Cinderella to swoon, leaving your heart nice and shattered on the floor at the ball.

So, watch out for Prince Charming. Guard your heart, soul, and every being with him. Till you are sure that he can just be a total prince, and not just a charming one.

Wrecking Ball

Don't you ever say,
I just walked away
I will always want you...

I'm not the biggest fan of Miley Cyrus, mostly for the image that she is putting out there for herself. I guess i could respect her for doing her. But whatever, besides the point. Her song Wrecking Ball, was a song that i only listened to once, and then one morning literally woke up before i even opened my eyes and had it stuck in my head. And i thought to myself, i haven't even heard that song enough times to have it stuck in my head like this.

I guess it was my mind just telling me i liked it, even though i don't want to. But why not like a good song? I think it has a nice meaning behind it. It makes sense at least, right?

Miley Cyrus, you spoke to me.

Stay The Night

Zedd always seems to have a song that comes out during the times of my troubles, that just speaks to me. It's a strange comfort. Makes me feel a mix of emotions.

The Way of the World

I'm reading this book for one of my classes, and there's a story that one of the characters in the book told. It's a little bit long to write out, but basically the moral of the story is that "goodness is often repaid with badness." It's really that that little story currently relates to my life. I had a group discussion the other day, i wrote a question about that short story, but at first it didn't occur to me how relevant it was till my little group discussed it out loud. It almost had me choke up.

Isn't that sad how that is "the way of the world"? That you could do everything, and be so good and kind hearted, yet you'll still get fucked over. And you'll think that you don't deserve that because you haven't done anything wrong. But that's just the way things are i guess. 

Pablo

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because i do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no i or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when i fall asleep your eyes close.
- Pablo Neruda

.

I am frequently told, that if i'll be easily taken advantaged of if i'm too nice.

In the sense of love -- if i love too much, too deeply i can easily get hurt. But it wont be the normal type of hurt that feels like your heart shattered and broke. It'll hurt more than that because you loved too much.

There's a saying something along the lines of, "the hottest love has the coldest end." Something like that. I sort of remember there being a flame or fire involved. If anyone can think of it, please let me know! I had to try looking it up to be sure, and found the line i quoted is from a Drake song...lol, but i'm sure it was originally from somewhere else. Sounds about right though.

It makes enough sense. A love so strong, falls so hard.
If you put someone on a pedestal in your life, it makes it easier for them to walk all over you. It's easier for them to lose tract of their love for you, and take your love for granted.

Twisted

Till the end.

I'm going to stick this through the last second. And pretend everything is just perfect, till it's the end. I know it's coming, but instead of running away (like what most people would do) i think i want to stick it through till it's really the end. And enjoy every last moment, last drop of what this has been. I just want to embrace these last moments, and remember us for what we were. I want to just capture our essence together, because once it's over, i know that'll be it. And then there will be no more us. No more we. No more of what we are.

Hoe

I don't understand people. Especially girls. Girls are suppose to act as ladies. They're suppose to know the difference from right or wrong. At least they should know better than a guy should. How in the fucking world, can a girl think it's okay to come onto a guy that has a lady. How can she just let herself do such a thing, when she knows and sees that he has someone. Fucking slut. Fucking hoe. Fucking bitch. How could you?

That's just so nasty, and so shameful. That's not classy. And it's so poor mannered of a lady to do. You're a fucking skank if you were to do such a thing. Cause you really know you're a damn hoe if you can come onto a man when you know he's with someone. And you're really a big fucking hoe, when you can go about with liking his pictures that he posts with his lady in it. Like what the fuck is wrong with your fucking head. Have you no dignity of yourself?

You're a nasty ass fucking horny bitch. Go buy a fucking dildo. Don't be home wrecking people's relationships.

Opinions

I understand that everyone has their own opinions. Of course, right? And i completely respect everyone's opinion on whatever subject matter...to an extent at least. I mean, i can respect if you and i have different out takes on whatever it may be. I can respect you, unless you disrespect me...

I don't mind if we bump heads, and we're at a disagreement. I can listen, and try to understand where you're coming from. At least i'm doing that much. I will listen with open ears, and an open mind. Not be completely closed minded to my own opinion. It is possible that i may even agree a little on what you may have to say. Because you may have made a good point. But then don't diss me when i still decide to stand ground to my own thoughts. Understand?

It is important to realize everyone has their own say to things. You can't control someone's thoughts, or actions. It is important to respect someone's decision in what they want to do. I mean, even if you don't entirely agree on that decision, it isn't really your place to dictate whether they're wrong or right in living their life however they feel fits. In the end, if that decision ends up being a bad one, well then that will be their mistake to make and learn from.

At the very least, respect one another in every way possible. At the very least, be open minded, and allow for your friends to make the "faulty" decisions they choose to make. What if this decision turns out to be a good one in the long run, you never know. Say what you want to say, but try and be respectful about it. Your honest opinion does matter, but know where the limit is. Know where you should stop being honest about how you feel about certain things. Then at the very least, if you've gone to far with what you've said...just apologize, please.

♥

Late Night Phone Call

Oh, late night phone calls...

Serious question: Are late night phone calls still a thing? Do people who like each other still talk to each other on the phone? Does that still happen...?

Something so real about phone conversations. Especially "late night" ones. They aren't always at the late hours of night time, sometimes they start before midnight and just trickle into the late hours. They're so pure. Different from texting. Full on conversations about just anything, with the silences that start off awkward, but over time they become pleasant...see with texting, you could comment about one thing, but the other person could reply within the second, or within 2 hours if they'd like. And there's not much you can do about it, just have to wait. And what's real about that? A conversation is receiving immediate responses. Exchanging of words and thoughts, one after another. You don't get that with texting. Because majority of the time, no one has the time to sit there and text out hella shit. Texting is for the irrelevant, quick, and easy talks. "What are you doing?"...."Where are you?"...."I'm bored" type of shit.

I always thought that talking to someone during the late hours of the night, is quite possibly one of the best ways to get to know and connect with someone. I feel like those are the times when our thoughts are in full motion, and are the purest. Because when you're sitting around at night, there's not much activity going on in the outside world. Nothing to distract you. So you can just reflect, and it's great. To be able to share that time with another person, and reflect with them is so great. I feel it's when the greatest conversations happen. It's like you're sort of drugged up, but everything is real and you're completely sober. You ever stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning, and start to feel a little bit loopy? Or even when you start to feel tired, but you stay up anyways.

There are many times where I've neglected sleep for these great conversations. Whether it be through aim, Facebook chat, or a phone call. Gosh I sort of miss aim. Facebook chat or whatever kids use these days, just aren't the same! 

Oh, late night phone calls...

I really wonder if they still happen. Something I really loved. And I think it's a nice bonding experience with your significant other. Especially since now a days, no one likes picking up a phone to talk to people as much as before. In a relationship, when you two are apart you don't have time to really talk to each other. Especially not through text. We're too busy with our every day life that throughout the day, only a couple text messages can be exchanged. And they just aren't that meaningful. Each text message is either a reminder of something, an update about ones day/whereabouts, a random thought...and so on. The list can really go on. But with such few exchanges of words, the text is not as meaningful when we're too busy. 

I miss late night phone calls. For the purity of it. I miss the realness of conversation. Hearing the sound of the other person breathing when neither of you have a thing to say. Hearing the sound of the background their in, the rustling. Sharing real time thoughts, and opinions as they pop into their mind. Not that wait 2 hours for them to respond crap. I miss the sound of a voice of the phone. Why do voices sound so cool over the phone? 

A text scenario:

I can tell you good morning as I wake up, let you know I'm going to get ready for work, then tell you I'm going to work now. Before heading into work I send you an "I love you, have a great day" text before my busy 8 hour shift. Perhaps I'll sneak a text in between my shift to say how work is boring, or hectic. Once lunch hit ill have another chance to let you know I'm on lunch now. If you're not working perhaps I'd give you a call. But if you are, then you're too busy to respond to me. So we leave it at "I'm on lunch now" and maybe a random thought. We don't catch each other available at the same time. When you're ale to go on you're phone, I'm away from it, and vice versa. Then once I'm off. You may be at work still or busy. By the end of the day, we haven't said much to each other. You're off of work and you're tired, and so am I. We don't live together, so I wonder what you're doing, you're busy getting ready now for your next day of work. Then soon you hop into bed, I tell you I miss you. You tell me you miss me too, and it's time for bed. We exchange good nights, and kissy face emojis. I go to bed wondering how your day was. I wish I could tell you about mine. Work in the morning, there isn't much time to talk. We need our sleep. And tomorrow morning, as I wake up I tell you good morning...once again and it starts all over.

I miss late night phone calls. Texting can become robotic. 

Make it Go Away, Please

I hate the fact that there was once a time that he was actually able to let yourself fall for another girl. Where...there would be times (rarely) where I'd have to hear, "that girl he was seeing/dating before you" or "his ex..." But I was the girl before her...she shouldn't be relevant. She shouldn't have happened. She shouldn't be a real thing, a topic to discuss or mention. She is not suppose to be mentioned in that context. Because it kills me every time I'm reminded of the time they spent together, of the time where they shared kisses, and was one. As much as he'd like to tell me that she was nothing, the truth of the matter is that she was something. Perhaps not to him, but to everyone that observed. 

I feel like it'll haunt me forever. I love this man, with all of my heart. But I can't shake this away. I can't make this insecurity vanish. And I still envy her. I'm still jealous that she was able to get to him, when he used to tell me that there was no one else for him. And it scares me...it frightens me. I know he loves me now. So, how do I make this insecurity go away? 

I hate it so much. I just want so badly to forget. And I want so badly to just feel okay, and secure. I want to not be afraid...

Help me make it go away...please...

Insecure

Insecurity has struck me hard. I've never thought I'd ever be the girlfriend who will get extremely jealous, and protective of her boyfriend. When I was young and naive, I used to think to myself how "when I have a bf, I'm going to be so chill. I'm going to be the girl that will check out girls with my boyfriend." Well, silly stupid me! Are there really girls like that out there? Cause I'm not okay with my man checking out other females in front of me. All eyes on me, my nigga.

I've thought about where this possessive/protective side of me came from, and I realized it shows how insecure I am. Where I'm probably not confident enough to feel like I can keep a guy. I think that this personality trait of mine increased more, after having my current boyfriend leave me already once. If he walked away once, he could just do it again. And it frightens the hell out of me. I think after what we went through with the break up, I just can't help but think. Like what if another girl just ends up catching his attention more one of these days, and he leaves again? Well...if that day ever comes, I guess the best way to face it is to say, "fuck it". 

This isn't a way that I like to be. I want to be carefree. Being overly protective of him, always being on guard, and getting jealous because I'm afraid of losing him, could even be what drives him away. Not too sure where to turn. I can't help what I feel. My insecurity takes the best of me sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough in his eyes. Like if the chance arose, and he found someone better, he'd leave me for good.

It's a shitty way to feel. To be afraid of getting hurt again. To be afraid of losing what you love. 

So then how would you handle the situation? 

Share your thoughts and feelings. :)

Ta taa.

♥

I Pity the Fool

I've heard once before that there are many guys who want to be with me. Of course before I begin to be flattered by that statement, I analyzed what it meant that they want to be with me. It occurred to me that the "many guys" may perhaps want to be with me, but definitely not in any type of romantic way. (By that I mean, make me their girlfriends.) It's more, like these "many guys" want more of what they'd like to see under the sheets. To be more specific, the "many guys" want nothing more than to pretend they're into me in way that shows they care, except all they really want is to hit it and quit it. Toot it, and boot it. Fuck me, then leave. That's what the "many guys" so called claimed to say that they want to be with me, really mean when they say they want to be with me. Sure, Kathy. Many guys want to be with you. Don't flatter yourself.

Okay, so I've thought about it, and I'm not flattered at all. Two things: congratulations for not being interested in me for anything more than sex, I'm not all that great to be with anyways, 

When a guy tells me, "Kathy, please find me a GF", I tell them to not waste their to,e because girls are trouble. And that's coming from a girl. 

I pity the fool that wants to get with me for more than just the sex. 

Along with that, I also thank the fool who does...because I'm more than trouble. I'm chaos...and that's coming from me.

That is all, bye!

♥

Katherine

So i recently got hired at Lavande (la-vand) Nail Spa, last week. If you know of Santana Row, and you're ever walking around - possibly towards Urban Outfitters - and you walk by that nail place that smells nice from outside, and just looks like it's really nice and fancy, that's where i now work!

I realized today, i work with my people. ^_^ Manicurists, i mean. And Vietnamese people. Definitely going along with the Vietnamese stereotype. I believe that majority, if not all, the manicurists that work there are Vietnamese. I don't believe that i have met all of the workers yet. As of lately (these past couple of months) i have dreamed to do people's nails. I mean it's not my dream, like that is what i want to do for my career. More like something i want to just do as maybe a side job/hobby. I wonder if i'd really enjoying doing other people's nails, if i was to actually do that as a job. I do wonder...But i thought to myself, i love doing my nails so much, i just want to be able to do other people's nails so they can have pretty nails as well! Would i be a great nail tech or what? Not doing it because it's the "Vietnamese" thing to do, but doing it because i want people's hands to be pretty. One of my pet peeves is chipped, ugly nails...get that shit done girl! Just kidding. But really, chipped nails. I don't like.

I guess i could keep dreaming though, because i am not a nail tech/manicurist/whatever. My dreams to make everyone's nails shine and sparkle, will continue to be a mere dream. As i continue on with my nursing degree, i am now working at Lavande Nail Spa as a Front Desk Clerk. It was only actually my first day today, and there was quite a lot to take in. The other girls that have been working there makes it look like a piece of cake. And as the day went by, i was able to pick it up little by little.

I'm not saying my job is hard, but i'm not saying it's the easiest. It's mutual, and after my first day i enjoy it. The atmosphere is delightful, the ambience is very nice. The girls i work along side with are cheery, and the other ladies are a joy.

They call my Katherine. I think that's the main reason of this blog post actually. That i have entered a work place where everyone is going to begin to refer to me as Katherine, and i too have to refer to myself as Katherine. That will definitely take time to get used to. Do i like it? I don't really know...but i do like it more than "Kat". Never in my life have i ever had a legitimate nickname given to me. I have been given a name tag with my new name stamped on it. And why is this? Because there are two other Kathy's working there. Now what are the odds, that there would be three Kathy's working in the same facility! Not only are out names Kathy, but our names are all Kathy with a "K". Not only that, but we're all vietnamese. Not onlyy that, but one of them even has my last name! I don't know about the other one. One Kathy is a manicurist, and the other one is also a front desk clerk. It's not very often at all that i'd meet another Cathy/Kathy. And if ever, they're usually Cathy's, with a "C". Or white ladies. So, therefore, i have been given a name to easily identify myself. It was either "Katherine", "Mai" (because of my middle name), or Kat. So...i chose Katherine, because that's just sounds most pleasant. Can anyone else think of a better nickname for me that is relatable to my name? Now i wish that when i was younger i did something out of the ordinary to obtain and interesting nickname.

"Hello, my name is Katherine."

I'm suppose to be a princess, but i'm not.

Ta ta!
♥

My Idea!

I want to try and start something with my blog. Obviously, i haven't had anything to write about as of lately. Goodness, it's been a while really. I always told myself my blog will be something i'll keep consistent in my life. I used to blog at least once a week, if anything once a month! But it seems to me that i've neglected my blog so much.

It's not like i have anything really interesting to say. I realized my blog consists mostly of sad stories or love rants. Which i feel may be tedious for those of you who who actually read my blog. Not like it should really matter what any of you think though right? Well, i just see of it as...i need to spice things up instead of talking about the same things over and over again. Heart breaks and love. It's like that's all i know. Lol. I could go and ramble on about my day, but i know that wont be of any interest to anyone either.

Any who, i want to try something new. Who knows if i'll even keep up with it...let alone start it. It's my attempt to show my progression to fitness. I don't know if it will work. Perhaps by doing this, i'll keep my blog flowing, and possibly even motivate myself even more. It's not like i'll really know what i'll be doing most the time...this is like amateur hour guys. I need a personal trainer. I have no self control!

I guess stay tuned to see if i follow up with my new idea...

I give whoever permission to tell me i suck if i don't actually do it. But please don't mean it, i don't want to truly suck. :-(

Ta taaa for now!

♥

p.s. i need more inspiration to blog.

Chances

Let me ask this question, if you we're given a second chance with someone you love/d would you take that chance? For most, the answer would probably be no because that person hurt them deeply. In which case it makes this question one where you can't really tell the answer unless that chance was really there in front of them. 

No one really understand what someone's relationship is like unless they're actually in it. For me, I was completely convinced that if the chance arised for me, there would've been no way in hell that I would've agreed to take him back. I figured the chances were very slim, given the circumstances. It was easy for me to say "hell no" to the idea, but little did I know that my subconscious mind was screaming in hopes that he would come back. No matter how hurt I was by him, my feelings were still lingering around which made it easy for me to turn the other cheek when that chance was in front of me. Perhaps if the opportunity came knocking on my door any later (say another month or 2) I may have possibly rejected that chance due to the possibility that I may have recovered from the break up and my heart turned to stone.

Well that wasn't the case. I wouldn't doubt the many people around me questioning my decision. Wondering where my head is at, and why it is that I took him back even after what happened. I have never been put in this type of situation before, so coming back into this relationship is like a trial and error test for me. I believe in second chances...the possibilities are endless. I mean given that how things played out between him and I starting the second time around, it was promising to me. 

We are back, much stronger than before. So, I guess I could say that the break up was in some little ways good for our relationship (given that now we're together again). I could see it in his eyes, the way he looks at me that his love for me is 100x stronger than it was. It does make me question the relationship before a little bit...like where was all this love the first time around? Whatever the case, I'm just happy that love is there for me now. 

My relationship with him has lost all credibility. Has it been two years, or are we lying to ourselves. Are we really in love or is this just the game we play. I cry, cry, cry over the man that breaks my heart till her decides he wants to be with me again. Sometimes I feel like a joke...and sometimes I feel like I want to bash in anyone's face who wants to talk shit about him or doubts the seriousness of my relationship. There's one thing you don't say to a friend: you don't go tell your friend that her relationship is shit. 

What people don't realize is that, they aren't me or him. They don't know the whole entire story. They just know about the information that has been set on the table for them to see. But there's just so much more to every story. The details. 

We have grown a lot as a couple, and that's really all there is to it. So, I'm glad to tool that second chance at love with him. It's one of the best decisions I've made yet. 

♥ 

Spring Breeze

It's 4:30am. The night breeze is making it's way through my fully open window. The blinds are down, only to let some of the breeze in - lightly hitting my forehead, and i take in the freshness. If the blinds were open as well, I'd be too cold...

I was in a deep sleep prior to this, but suddenly woke up for no reason at all...usually I'd be upset about this since I have to be up in a couple hours, but I woke up with thoughts filling my head. Good thoughts, thoughts that make me feel blessed. So here I am at 4:42am now - wide awake - with thoughts to share.

I'm practically 20 now (in four months) and here I am laying in bed, under the sheets sharing body heat with a young man. I have this feeling that I'm not sure how describe. To be able to share a bed with another person, who is a guy, is....just....I'm really at a lost for words right now.

It's like, when I was younger I imagined what love was like. What it was like to be my parents, my siblings who were in serious relationships. To have someone to depend on. I imagined what it was like to be older in such a scenario.

For some reason though, I never imagined that it'd be the way that it is. That I'd be 20 years old (which still seems young) and in love. That I'd actually get the pleasure of being in someone's arms, and at 4am as the cool air is filling my room making my exposed skin chilly, under the sheets his body is keeping me warm.

I've imagined this, being with someone. But it's noting as I imagined. It's so much more grand. It's almost a blessing. I look over at him as he's peacefully asleep, heavily breathing and it makes me filled with so much joy.

To love and to be loved is a blessing upon itself...a feeling too hard to explain, which makes this post a bit hard to comprehend the feeling I'm trying to express.

The most I can come up with is: to be in love is to wake up in the middle of the night, and not be upset about not being able to fall back asleep because the person next to you is so beautifully peaceful. Where you can't help but smile and inhale their essence. To think how blessed you are, then smile at the fact that you can just turn over and snuggle up by their side to easily fall back into a deep slumber knowing that in the morning they'll still be there. That now you just want morning to come so you can see heir bright smile and tell them you love them.

That's the best interpretation of how I'm feeling right now. Goodnight.

♥ ♥

Judgment

Something that just seems to be inevitable in this society of ours: facing judgment.

Perhaps it's just us thinking that wherever we go, whatever we do, someone somewhere is watching our every move. But our egos can't be that high to always be feeling like someone has nothing else better to do than to stare us down and pick apart every action we make, can we?

It's why most of us have insecurities. Because judgement is a thing. Because most of us really do feel like, for the most part, whatever it is we do, someone somewhere IS in fact judging what we do. From how we're dressed, how we act, who we hang out with, the list goes on...

Especially with social media (such as Facebook, Instagram, twitter, vine, tumblr, etc.) promoting everyone and their moms to upload their lives for the world to view, negative judgement is impossible to avoid. We're all prone to it! And for most of us, it's hard to avoid because we need to keep up with the times. We need to post #ootd (outfit of the day) and all those ratchet #gno (girls night out) photos. These photos are really unnecessary to have to share with the world, but we find the need to show everyone what we're up to. To either let people know "hey I'm having a great life!" or "I feel pretty today". Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing...it's just a habit our society as fallen to. And before someone calls me a hypocrite - I do these things too. Well here we are, showing the world our lives, it shouldn't come to a surprise when people start talking about it. It's sort of like we make up our own tabloids. Celebrities get bashed on, we get bashed on by other minorities because we just put ourselves in that position to do such a thing. Someone will see your photos and have something negative to say towards it. It's going to happen. And that's when most of us will say "idgaf".

Which leads me to say that there's no privacy anymore. All 200+ of your followers know what you did last week, and most likely you haven't spoken to them since...graduation of high school. This leads to gossip, and if people care enough it's so easy to dig up information about each other because of all the information we just throw around. It's like we're unaware of it or something. Don't lie now, most girls are like detectives and can dig up information about someone else that recently catches their attention so fast. To figure out someone's hobby, likes/dislikes, music taste, the group of friends they have, and all of that.

At some point, people find out the things you've done in the past, things you've tried to escape, and you swear you thought that you did a good job a trying to keep that on the downlow as much as possible. But with people out there knowing what you ate last week...it seems like its just prone to happen. We then judge each other on our past. It's like you can't be a new person. You can't really reinvent yourself...it's difficult. It's hard to escape what you are now ashamed of. It just sticks with you...

Well we aren't all that full of it. I may have exaggerated a tad, most of us aren't that interesting for there to be people on the hunt for information about us...but really think about it. People know about you. They do. Whether they're aware of it or not. They know.

♥

P.s. it's 4:00am, and I honestly don't know if I made any sense...or even if I was able to get my point across. I sort of got carried away a bit. :x

Names

My name is Kathy Nguyen, and i am...

Your name, is who you are.
You aren't Jimmy, Johnny, Jane, Lacey...(unless you are.)
Others identify you by your name.
To ask you for a favor, to tell you to fuck off, etc.
Oh you know so and so, the one with the thing, that lives over there by that place...?

Can i call you by your full name, or can i call you by the shorter version of that?
"No, only my friends can call me that."
Your name shows who is accepted - who you've deemed worthy.

Listen to the way someone says your name.
The way it rolls off their tongue,
with that accent they have,
with that lisp,
with that stutter,
with the way the talk...
The way they may say it slowly, or quick...
The way they would whisper it in your ear -
in which making your name sound so, so, so, so
special,
lovely,
grand,
or all the above.

In that moment, your name is more than your name.
It's a symbol of who you are, who you are to the person saying your name.
Your name becomes precious. Only to be said during the sweetest hours.
So we'll savor your name,
and replace it with
Sweetie, Honey, Dear,
But it'll never be as sincere as
_______, I love you.

♥

Forgiveness

The phrase is: “Forgive and forget”, the rebuttal for that is: “You can forgive, but you can never forget.”

Depending on the extremities of one’s wrong doings, the action to be taken by the victim (receiver of the action) varies. They can choose to forgive the person, or hate them forever. If they choose to forgive, does that entitle them to drop the whole situation as though it hasn’t happened?

In some cases, to “forgive and forget” comes easily because the action done was minor. However, one can never really just forget about major actions – never entirely at least. As much as you’d like to push something out of your head, and not hold someone against that one situation for the rest of your life it will always pop up again when a time comes. I’m not saying that when you’re with that person their shady act will linger in your mind the whole entire time, but in a sense that if something was to come up to remind you of that time then you will surely think of it again. You can never just forget.

The most that can be done is that you’ll drop it. You’ll drop being upset about it, and you wont hold them against it for the rest of the time that you know them. That’s what forgiveness is, isn’t it? Let’s see the connotation for “forgiveness”: 

forgive |fərˈgiv|verb ( past -gave ; past part. -given ) [ trans. ]stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake : I don't think I'll ever forgive David for the way he treated her. See note at absolve .• (usu. be forgiven) stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake) : they are not going to pat my head and say all is forgiven | [ intrans. ] he was not a man who found it easy to forgive and forget.

Sometimes you wonder how someone can forgive a person after they have done so much wrong. It’s all mind over matter really. Look at the situation in whole, and then look at the sincerity of their apology. At that point, you make a decision as to if you want to take their word for it, or just look the other way.

Let’s take love as an example (since I happen to think I’m an expert at it, just kidding). Why does the girl take back the guy that broke her heart? The guy that told her, he doesn’t love her anymore, doesn’t want to be in a relationship, or whatever shit he said. Here’s a star couple to take a look at: Rihanna and Chris Brown. Everyone who cares is wondering, “Why in the damn world is she back with him?!” We all know the story, he beat the shit out of her a couple years ago…and now all is forgiven and there are rumors as of recently that they may be getting engaged. What the fuck, right? That’s something about love though it knows no boundaries. It’s strong enough to forgive the ugliest of deeds. For love, you can let go and look past things. It’s an interesting concept. But everyone has their own ways of handling things. Most people wouldn’t have forgiven Chris Brown if they were Rihanna, and most people would be deemed crazy enough to do so.

It’s not only love with a significant other, but it’s love towards a friend or family member. Generally, in my opinion at least, if a person is or was important to you enough, when they come back with a sincere apology it’s hard to just turn the other cheek. I guess ultimately, it all depends on how you look at the situation, and how you want to handle it. Like I said previously, everyone deals with problems differently. A lot of people are stubborn, and a lot are more forgiving.

In the end, perhaps you’d be less bitter if you had one less person to hate. Imo.

What type of person do you see yourself to be when it comes to forgiveness? 

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Doll House

When i was younger, i always wondered about my life. I wondered why i was here, what it was that i was doing, and how it was that i was functioning the way i was.

I adored dolls. Every now and then, i'd think to myself, "what if i'm a doll, and someone and playing with me right now?" It was an interesting concept to me at the time...that the world i was living in was a huge doll house. All my surroundings were toys of a child, and every night when i went to bed, it was because the child has put me to sleep.

Call me crazy, but don't act like as a child you didn't have nonsense thoughts either.

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Lately

Lately by Jodeci

Concrete Wall

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Sweat

I've been sick for the past 2 weeks, and couldn't go to the gym and workout due to my illness. Last week i was actually starting to feel better, but would get tired easily so i didn't feel up to par to work out. So after being sick for about two weeks, boy did it feel fucking great to get back in it. Unfortunately, my mom is going to be leaving for a month for vacation and i don't think i'll be able to go to the gym...for a whole month. Perhaps i'll go with my friends or something. 

Is it weird that i sort of love sweating sometimes...specifically when i'm in the sauna. It just feels to invigorating, in a way. I'm not sure how to really explain it. Sweating when it's humid on a hot summer's day is not the type of sweating i like though. Haha.

I'm asked why it is that i'm so determined to go to the gym, like "one day wont hurt to miss" because after all i need to gain weight, not lose it. I'm not going to lose weight, i'm just going to be fit and tone up. But another thing is that, it makes me feel great about myself. If someone was to ask me what my hobby was, i think i'd have to say it is to work out. Someone told me though that it's not really a hobby...well i really don't have anything else i enjoy doing more than this. It's the endorphins i'm striving for.

And on a somewhat relatable note (since i'm talking about working out), here's a quote from Steve Maraboli's book, Life, the Truth, and Being Free. I found what he had to say really beautiful and inspiring.

"Get Off The Scale! You are beautiful. Your beauty, just like you capacity for life, happiness, and success, is immeasurable. Day after day, countless people across the globe get on a scale in search of validation of beauty and social acceptance.
Get off the Scale! I have yet to see a scale that can tell you how enchanting your eyes are. I have yet to see a scale that can show you how wonderful your hair looks when the sun shines its glorious rays on it. I have yet to see a scale that can thank you for your compassion, sense of humor, and contagious smile. Get off the scale because i have yet to see one that can admire you for your perseverance when challenged in life.
It's true, the scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That's it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don't give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful."

Although i'm not striving to be skinnier, i'm aiming to gain weight and hoping to maybe even become thicker. I don't think that's really all that possible though because of genetics. Whatever the case, this is beautiful what Maraboli had to say. Skinny or fat, we all have our insecurities.

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