When Love Arrives

If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her.Turn off the music, listen to the quite, whisper "Thank you, for stopping by."

Vanilla Ice Cream

Have you ever asked someone what their favorite flavor of ice cream was, and have you ever heard anyone say that vanilla happened to be their favorite?

I don't go around asking people what their favorite flavor of ice cream is, and i'm not asked that very often. It's only when i mention that i happen to be in love with ice cream, is when i'm asked the question. It's funny though, because for someone who loves ice cream, i've never thought about which flavor it is that i love that most.
________________________
(I just had a unrelated thought after writing that last sentence. When you love someone or something, you can't just pick one thing that you love absolutely the most -- such as how perhaps i love ice cream too much, so i can't just choose one flavor i love the most. Right? Am i right?)
________________________

People have asked me what my favorite flavor of ice cream was, and i almost always want to say vanilla or cookies and cream. Mostly because i eat a lot of ores mcflurrys, and vanilla ice cream cones from mcdonalds when i have a sudden craving for ice cream. Then i thought about it a little bit, isn't vanilla such a boring flavor?

I remember being young, and being asked this question amongst my peers in grade school -- you know, as ice breaker questions. It was actually the question, "if you could be any ice cream flavor, what flavor would you be?" Of course that would probably tie along with what is your favorite flavor, because who would want to be a flavor of ice cream they weren't fond of. Well anyways, i vaguely remember hearing my peers saying something along the lines of, "i wouldn't want to be vanilla because it's boring". Or whatever it was exactly, it had something to do with saying that vanilla is a boring flavor to be. Pretty much it. Everyone wanted to be strawberry or rocky road...something crazy and maybe exotic.

When i think of vanilla, i think that it is underestimated. Underrated. Not appreciated for what it is.
It seems like such a simple flavor, but yet it's so rich and is a delicacy. Not too sweet, and not too heavy. It isn't overwhelming, and you can mix it with nuts, oreos, strawberry/caramel/chocolate syrup. But it's still just so great on it's own.

Earlier today, i was eating ice cream and i told my friend via text that, "this ice cream is amazing". He asked me what flavor it was, and i told him vanilla. He then responded with, "Oh, haha i thought it was going to be a hella good flavor."

As if vanilla isn't generally categorized under "amazing".

I am vanilla ice cream. I don't know if i would say that by saying this, if i'm being conceited or am i being insecure to think i'm not better than vanilla. I want to say that for me, i am a simple person. There isn't too much about me, nor is there too much going on in my life. I am rich and pure vanilla ice cream. No nuts, oreos or flavored syrup sprinkled on top. I am a plain jane, and i'm okay with that. Because although, what i give off can be a "boring kathy" after a taste, i'm pretty great. Hehe. -- Don't take that the wrong way, please. Lol.

Every now and then, i am vanilla ice cream with some fun sprinkles on top.

Bohemian Rhapsody | Queen

Because i'm easy come, easy go
little high, little low
anyway the wind blows, doesn't matter to me...

The Abyss

He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. 

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Chained

Perhaps, one of these days i will wake up and realize that "this is it, it's time to let go".

And only when i finally let go, will i finally be able to be free and find genuine happiness within myself. It's almost quite pathetic in my part because i sit here knowing this, but i feel like i still have a giant medal ball clasped to my legs (like the ones they put on criminals, so they can't run away) preventing me from being able to run far far away from the distress i feel.

No one will really understand where i'm coming from, and honestly, i can't even say that i understand it myself. And i will continue to get lectured the same lecture over and over again, but the thing is that i'm already aware of how i should be, and what i should be doing...but when you're me...i feel like it's just easier said than done. Well perhaps, i'm not trying hard enough.

Something like this is really though for someone like me to get through though, when i don't quite have a great support group to help me get by. However, i don't want to have to depend on people for happiness, as i have been depending on one single person for the past 2.5 years. Is that understandable? But how do i wind happiness within myself, if i sit around moping about how sad i am. I have tried to pick up a hobby. I'm trying to get in touch with my inner "artist" and take a stab with amateur painting. I don't know how long that'll last, because it will only be about time till i give up because i totally suck at it -- i already know.

I feel like i was really close to that point of happiness, right after i got back from the Tahoe trip. It soon just faded away, as reality began to set back in again.

I want to find some type of peaceful happiness within myself. I don't want to depend on someone, but i want there to be people around that genuinely care about me enough to talk to me once in a while. You can't get out of sadness on your own, entirely. And i've been told to occupy myself in work, which would be a good idea. Along with that, i was also told that money will make me happy.

Onto that thought, i really hate the idea that money will bring me happiness. I don't disagree with the notion, because money can bring you happiness, but it should not be the source of your happiness. Money can buy you things and allow you to do things that'll make you happy, sure. But i don't want to become one of those money hungry people, who are happy when they have money and sad when they don't have it. I've seen it, and i don't like it. I like to think that i can be content with a low cash flow. I can live peacefully with what i have, and learn to live around that. Nice things are nice, but i don't need it. That's just about it. But maybe i should look for another job, and occupy myself in work anyways for the sake of it.


I'm a foolish person, but at least i'm aware of what i need to be doing...i just haven't gotten about doing it yet. At least i know that it's not the end of the world just yet.

Me Against the World

"Through every dark night, there's a brighter day"

I heard this somewhere, and i tried to look up where it originated from. Apparently it's from Tupac's song, "Me Against the World". But in his lyrics, it's "through every dark night, there's a bright day after that". I am a fan of Tupac, but i liked the version i heard of better. 

Lonely

I have never felt so alone in my entire life. 

It's the type of loneliness that makes me feel unworthy. Where I want to avoid posting on social networking sites such as twitter to share my meaningless thoughts, Facebook, and Instagram. I feel that it is even more pointless than ever because I feel like no one actually cares. I mean, honestly, no one cares about a lot of people's posts in general, but I feel like there is honestly no one that will actually care about what I say. 

It's that lonely feeling where I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to day by day, that will genuinely take interest in my random thoughts. No one who will take their time to see how I am doing, and no one who will want to spend time with me.  There is no one that wants to reach out to me, and I'm tired of being the one to reach out all the time...not to sound so egotistical, but I want to be thought of from time to time too, you know?

And I've never felt so strongly about the whole saying, "at the end of the day, all you have is yourself". 

The other day I was told that I'm, "always trying to play victim". And I'm trying to think about it, and I don't know if it's true.  I also don't know if it's false. I don't see it, but if someone else is telling me that then could it be true? 

But then again I also don't feel that my friend should think lowly of me in such a way, in where if I'm hurt about something it shouldn't mean that I'm trying to victimize myself. 

And then as I say all this, I wonder if by feeling this lonely and down if I actually am trying to make myself a victim to the hurt that I feel. 

It's not that people are hurting me...but it's that I just feel this way...and I can't quite understand it myself. I would love to be happy and feel love and even I feel wanted. But I'm none of that at this moment. I do hope that this soon will pass...

A brighter day will come my way, soon. 

Smile for Me Babe

If you're ever feeling down, go out and fake a smile even if you don't actually feel like smiling. Smile to the people you run into, smile to the lady at the cash register, or the man that holds open your door.

Faking a smile is almost as equivalent to a real one. It stimulates the same part of the brain as a real smile. It can trigger endorphins and happiness.

:)

Forced

Relationships should not feel forced.
I'm talking about relationships with anyone in general. Your friends, your significant other, family, etc. Close relationships like that should be easy to deal with. It should come easily. You should be able to be yourself, speak your mind, and never get bombarded for the type of person you are (unless the type of person you are is a bad one).

If at some point you ever feel like your relationship with that person seems so "forced", perhaps...that person doesn't mean much to you as you're letting on.

Do yourself a favor and save the other person the hurt of being friends with someone who apparently can give two shits about, and just tell them straight up.

It's time for new friends.

No One Will Love U

When i was little, my mom used to wash my butt for my every night. I'm currently trying to remember how old i was at this time, and i can't remember when it was that she stopped doing this.

I don't know why, but i remember this memory so vividly of this one particular night. It has stuck to me till now as a funny memory, but when i thought about it the other day i realized what my mom said to me was great advice for my adult life! 

One night, as my mom was washing my butt my mom said to me, "You're so dirty. If you don't ever keep yourself clean, no one will ever love you!". Well she said it in Vietnamese, something along those lines. At that time i thought she was telling me that she didn't love me because i was dirty. So that night, after she washed my butt i went into my bed and cried. 

As a young child, every night i would go into my parents bed to lay with them until i was tired enough to go to sleep in my own bed. Well that night, i didn't go lay with them because i was upset and my dad came looking for me to see if something was wrong. Surely enough, he found me in my bed with tears in my eyes and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that, "mom said she doesn't love me." He laughed and carried me into their room, at which my mom then explain to me that she didn't mean that she didn't love me; she was just joking around.

So now that i think about it, what my mom was basically saying was keep you "v" clean, because no one will love you if it stank. If you know what i mean, right? I'm sure you do. 

That's the moral of this story: Don't be dirty.

Little Things

Thank you for remembering how much i love my nails, and taking the time to acknowledge how much time i may have spent on them to make them look decent.

"Let me see your nails..."
Yes, i'd gladly show you. Because it pretty much took me approximately an hour to do them -- which sounds absurd, so i probably wouldn't tell you such a thing. Lol.

It's an obsession -- almost.

What Would You Do?

What would i do, if i had the chance to do anything in the world with a guarantee that i will not fail?

There's so much that i would do, but i think something i'd really like to do is pick up a talent. I'm thinking perhaps to obtain the skill set to play an instrument so beautifully, that it would bring tears of delight to people. Maybe something like the violin. I would say piano, because the sounds that a piano makes is so beautiful, but so many people know how to play the piano -- although i do not. The violin is beautiful as well. I'd like to learn right now actually, but i don't have the time, money or strive.

Something else that i just recently thought of thanks to the Sochi winter olympics, is to have the ability to master figure skating. It just looks so elegant and so beautiful. I've been also really loving the idea of cold lately as well, and to be able to dance on ice would be so amazing.

And lastly, i was thinking of just to dance. I'm not a great dancer, and i feel like it has a lot to do with the fact that i'm not that comfortable with my body and i'm very self conscious when it comes to the way i move. I remember taking a hip hop dance class summer of 2007, and i didn't take it all that seriously because i was too shy to fully express myself. I really wish i had though. I wish i could move like these dancers can. Maybe to be able to tango, salsa, or waltz -- that's what i'd aim to do.

What would you do?

Do They Fancy You?

As complicated as girls are, the concept of knowing if one is into you is fairly simple. At least, i believe so. I don't know about anyone else, but i feel that if a girl is into you, it'd be obvious -- unless she was really playing hard to get. But maybe even then, you'll know.

I once heard somewhere that it takes about 2 minutes for someone to figure out if they'll give you a chance or not. I'll just add some time to that, to give it a grace period. So, i'll say that it takes a female about two minutes upon you approaching her, if she will give you a chance or not. Then it'll take about a day or two, for her to really finalize her decision. I say that because sometimes, maybe they'll let you in, give you their number or whatever, but then after talking to you for a while they'll figure out if they'll really give you a full on chance or not. Depending on what type of chance that even is.

The two minutes upon you approaching her, is her analyzing your personal appearance and the way that you had approached her. It's really just a hit or miss. So don't be creepy about it. And not all girls are shallow, as most would think.

A lot of the time, if a girl is into you, i feel like she would over think things. Wonder about you a lot, and most likely would be down to give you the time of day. If she is not into you, she wouldn't care so much to hang out with you, and probably would not go out of her way to do so.

If she is actually replying to your texts messages, or even texts you first once in a while, that does not mean that she's into you. She may be bored, or she may actually think you're fun to talk to; however, it does mean that she's into you. On the topic of texting: if she replies to you with dull responses, she may just not be into you (chances are that she is busy), but a lot of the time if she's into you she would actually try to sound interesting. Or even to sound like she genuinely cares about what you're even saying.

Here's where things do get tricky though. A lot of girls are oblivious about when guys are trying to get at them, and they take it as someone who is just being friendly. So, as a response they're friendly back. They sound super into the conversation, but in this sense it's hard to really tell if they're into you. Lol. If she isn't into you, but talks like she is, you may have been friend zoned. So mention a date, and see how she would respond to that. If she agrees to a date, she is either into you or she's a bitch that is grasping the opportunity of a free dinner. If she starts talking to you less after that date, she may just not be into you.

But, hey i'm not an expert. Everyone's really different actually. In the end, i guess it's just really safe to say that girls are just complicated, period. Good luck.

Woman

I feel like i'm in that strange awkward moment in my life, where i'm "not a girl, not yet a woman". Yes, i totally realize that it's a line from one of Britney Spears' oldies hit pop songs. I was sitting here trying to put my thoughts together as to how it was a i felt. Feeling that i'm old enough to not be called a "girl", but not old or mature enough to be classified as a "woman". I feel that perhaps that goes for a lot of females my age right now. Especially because we haven't yet completely established ourselves.

I always felt that by this time in my life, i would have at least figured out most of myself and my life, but i'm so completely lost in every turn that i take. I feel like my biggest problem is that i have my head in the clouds. By that i mean, i'm quite oblivious to the ugly reality of the world. I don't struggle as much as many people do, and i may just be setting myself up for some shit for the future this way. I like the idea that things are "just peachy", but the reality of it is that things really are not peachy at all. I live my life day by day, and try to do things in a way so i can have the least amount of stress as possible. Would you say that i'm managing things better than some people? Or am i really just fantasizing my life. I have no clue -- but that's why i'm saying that i'm completely lost.

When will i ever feel like i am actually a woman. I still feel so young. Well i am a young adult after all. I'm wondering if by the time i'm 30 years old, if i would finally refer to myself as a "woman".