I'm lost

I think i have fallen deep. I've never wanted to be one of those people who when they get into a relationship, they cut off the connections they've had with their friends. I don't want to admit it, but i guess this is me admitting that i think i may have done that.

I feel like i've fallen too deep now though, where i don't know how to pick myself up and be friends again with those that have been forgotten. I feel guilty, i feel embarrassed that this had happened.

I'm not complaining about my relationship, i'm not doubting my happiness in the relationship...but i think i may have lost myself a little a long the way. I don't quite know what has happened. I consumed myself too much into this, but now i don't know how to get myself out. No, i don't mean out of the relationship, just out of this empty hole. I don't know how to get out.

I've lost myself along the way. I've forgotten to put myself first. I've forgotten about my own happiness. See the thing is, when you're in a relationship you need to be willing to make sacrifices. Except i think that i was so willing to sacrifice so much that i've just sacrificed myself completely.

Okay i wont go here.
Okay i wont hang out with them.
Alright, i wont go to that party.
I can't talk to that person.
Yes, yes, i don't want to upset you.

It's not his fault. It's my fault that i've allowed this to happen. That i haven't stood up for myself. But in my mind i just feel like all this petty stuff, i don't need it. I don't need to go to parties. I don't need to hang out with people that may be harmful to my relationship. I don't need to talk to people that want to allegedly sleep with me. Small things that have been asked of me, i agree to because if i don't need it and it'll make him happy then it's totally fine.

Have i lost sight of what's acceptable? Do i think that this is healthy, the way that i am? I tell myself, what is so bad about being in love? What is so bad about making him the number one priority in my life. What is wrong with giving him 110% of my all...everything.

Not to make this sound all about me...which i mean it is. But what about me. What about making myself happy first. What about going to hang out with whoever i wanted because that'll make me happy. What about going out once in a while and drinking with good company because that's what i want to do. How about catching up with old friends because at one point in my life i used to talk to them a lot.

I can never get over how in my last relationship though, i wasn't able to offer that guy even 90% of my all. I didn't want to put him first. I did whatever i wanted even though he would ask me not to. Was i happier since i cared more about myself that him and i as a couple? Sure, or maybe i just didn't care. But as a couple we weren't very strong. And here i am now, after vowing to myself that i will do everything i can to make sure my boyfriend knows i love him. I'll do it right.

But what is "right" to do in a relationship anyways? My problem right now is that i don't exactly know ow to balance it out perfectly. Since my boyfriend isn't so thrilled by the way i am with him, how can i balance things out. I tried once, but that made me bitter. I don't know. Like i said, i've lost myself.

Honestly, i feel that in my next relationship (assuming there will be one) ill be back at square one. Doing things for myself, doing things because i want to. But maybe it's not me. Maybe it's the people i'm with...the ones that want to tell me what i can and can not do. So i have to choose, do i listen to what they want or do i just do what i want?

I've lost myself, and i don't know how to find myself again...

Wish me luck
♥

Got Problems?

Let me give you a little piece of advice. I've been through it, the freaking roller-coaster you call a relationship. It's just full of ups and downs. Being happy with one another and wanting to pull each others hairs out. 

A relationship relies on communication. 

First of all, you can't expect someone to just know something if you don't intend to tell them your thoughts on the matter. It's true what they say, a guy can not read your mind. No human on earth can. Unless...they miraculously have the ability to, then that's a different story. Tell each other everything you feel as you fell it. Don't like something? Let them know. Want something done? Let them know. You can't sit around dropping hints, and hope one of your big hints hits him in the head so he'll realize what you're thinking. Hey, some guys are actually pretty keen about that kind of stuff. They'll just seem to know what you want and what you're thinking...but somewhere along the line, even that guy will hit a wall and not know what's going on in your head. And vice versa of course. If you're upset about something, let him know. The problem isn't going to go away if you sit there with a pout on your face and force him to ask repeatedly, "what's wrong?". Most of the time you'll just respond with, "nothing" and eventually he'll give up on trying to figure out the problem, and you'll have another thing to be mad about. The original problem, and him not trying harder to pry it out of you. Girls can be nutcases. I guess just a select few. Talk things out, talk everything out. But know that there are certain things that you should bring up, and shouldn't. But whatever the case, it wont hurt (too much, if anything) to just talk things out and communicate.

All relationships have problems. Even the ones the seem to be most perfect. There's a problem. Say that your relationship is one that happens to have many of them. Many fights over the smallest things. It isn't necessarily a bad thing. Whatever the case, always try and resolve it amongst one another. If he isn't going to be the bigger man, then you need to take a couple deep breaths and confront him. Address the problem and who is possibly at fault. (Although sometimes, that may lead to another problem because many people don't like to be in the wrong.) Talk it out and make amends. Whatever you do, dont let the problem float about and then go talk to all your girlfriends about it. Relationships are between the two of you. Person A and Person B. No A,B,C, and the rest of the alphabet. You get the gist of it? You don't need to include all your girlfriends into your relationship world. You can tell them all the good stuff. Let them believe the relationship is peachy cream. Once in a while, with a problem that's really big could be an appropriate time to have consolement. For the small stuff, just keep between the two of you. Because remember, a problem will not get any better if you're talking to others about it rather than discussing it with your man. 

I guess that's all i had to say. Communicate. That's it. 

♥