Dreaming

The other night, i had a dream that God was in.

Really strange to me. God came to my work and was talking to me, he told me Mary and his son was coming. By his son, i'm thinking Jesus. At first i was thinking it was Jesus that came. But then as i thought about how he had said Mary and his son was coming, i'm thinking maybe it was actually God instead cause his son has to be Jesus.

Although, we are all children of God.

I'm wondering what this means, very strange to me that the holy spirits have made an appearance in my dreams. I wish i can remember more clearly what he spoke to me about. Is this one of those holy moments where God/Jesus/Mary visits you??????

In my dream, he wore red shoes.

Maybe this isn't of any significance. Maybe it was because i was sleeping through my alarm, and that's why he was at my work. I did wake up late for work, but somehow managed to still make it.

Sort of hope i have another dream where they come, i hope they send me positive vibes.

This fall...

It's raining outside right now, and i'm sitting here thinking about how Thanksgiving is about a day away. But actually, my family will be celebrating it TONIGHT. So, i'm pretty excited about that. Usually, i like to prepare a dish for the family just to have something to contribute, but i have work and class all day tomorrow and won't have the time to do that. That's something a bit disappointed about. Preparing dishes is something Lena and i do almost every year together for the holidays. This year, she will be doing it on her own.

I always do try and recognize the blessings in my life each day. I suppose this holiday itself makes me really think about it on a deeper level. Kind of cliche at this point, don't you think?

I have a new niece and a new brewing relationship that came upon me this year. Two events of which i am more than thankful for.

My niece, Everly, was born November 10, 2015! I think she is the most adorable little baby. That's a biased opinion, of course i'd have to think she's the dearest of them all. I'm impatiently waiting for her to grow some more and start babbling and recognizing the world around her. She's boring right now, all she does is sleep whenever i go visit her. I've changed her diaper twice, and once out of the two she peed all over the place after i took her diaper off. I can stare at her forever (or more like for 2 minutes with a five minute break).

Pictures to come.

I have met someone earlier this year, who i think is fantastic. I've tried to refrain writing about him, more just because i wanted to keep this relationship more low-key than i have with the last in terms of writing about my adornment for him on and on.

Two new things in my life i'm very grateful for, but can't forget what has always been around for me.

It's been a while since i've been genuinely happy with myself. Things have been going well.

Alone

I've changed a lot over the years, in many aspects. I'm always surprising myself somehow, whether it's good or bad. A lot of my actions are questionable, and i wonder how much more i can grow from where i am today.

They say that you need to truly be at peace with yourself till you can truly be happy in your own skin. You need to accept how it is to truly be alone -- to be happy and alone -- otherwise you will always find yourself depending on someone else as a source of happiness.

I am happy with life, for the most part. In that case, "for the most part", am i really truly happy. Perhaps i haven't yet truly learned what it's like to be absolutely alone in purely the presence of myself. If i really think about it, i'm never really alone. There will always be someone there to text, a couple clicks away. Just to keep me company when i am alone.

Come to think of it, i don't think i know how to be alone. I get bored. I get lonely. And i just don't know what to do with myself. What do people do when they're enjoying their own company? I'm not that enjoyable for others to be around...i'm awkward.

Maybe these are the types of revelations i need to have with myself to really understand who i am as a person.

This blog post actually did not go in the direction that i had originally planned. I started off thinking that i am happy. I mean i AM happy. After pondering my thoughts, i feel like there's more i need to learn about myself. More ways i need to grow.

And once you think that you've had it all figured out, you really don't.

Toodles ~

Pills

So, ive been on birth control since i was 17 years old. Ive been ingesting the same type ever since, just because the physicians at planned parenthood felt that if i wasnt having any problems with what i was taking, there wasnt really a need to try different estrogen dosages or whatever it is thats in those things to help prevent pregnancies.

The problem was that i didnt know that the pills were effecting me negatively at all. There are all different types of side effects that you generally hear about from other females that are on birth control. There are so many different types of pills out there, and everyone's bodies react differently so you never really know what type of side effect you could possibly get from your birth control. We just all hope and pray that it doesnt get us pregnant, and as long as thats the case then we sit back, relax, and take the side effects as it comes. 

Most common side effects that we hear are that it makes you more moody and/or you can add a couple pounds. Some ppeople are blessed and get bigger boobs or a nice ass - basically the fat goes in the right places. Then some people just get round all over. 

I was definitely a moody one - real, real moody. But i figured that it was just a regular sise effect because thats what i heard happens. So i took it as a normal thung, and that its nothing to really fuss about. No big deal, as long as i dont get pregnant.

Its not like i knew the extremities of my moodiness. Eventually, i think i figured that its just me instead of thinking of kt as a side effect of the pill. I had all type of emotions. A lot of sadness, anger, short tempers, etc. 

When my ex and i broke up whenever ago, i still continued to take the pill for "just in case, you never know" reasons. There was that point in time where i felt like i had some slight depression for whatever reason. (If youve kept up with my writing from during that time, im shre youd know.) 

It wasnt till the beginning of this year, when i stopped dating and was due to go get a refill on my birth control, that i stopped taking the birth control that ive been taking since i was seventeen. I got lazy and didnt want to go back to the doctors for it, especially since i wasnt actually "getting any" anyways. So, i was off the pill. 

Coincidentally, my outlook on life changed. As though the light in my life has fibally turned on. I felt as though  i was in a really good place in my life and i couldnt be happier about it. I figured that maybe  it was because i was single and am finding myself again. I told people that im just happier single, and i like the way things are. 

However, unfortunately, i did get the perk of getting nicer boobs while i was on the pill, so getting off of it i believe that my boobs have gotten smaller. Im still unsure if its from no longer being on the pill or be cause ive been rigorously working out more so ive lost boob fat. Well regardless, i just decided that maybe i could go back on the pill in hopes that my boobs would come back. Yes, its that serious. 

So, i started taking the same exact pill tbat ive been on since i was 17, again. About three weeks in, and all of a sudden i notice that im moody again. Even Lisa noticed. I felt unhappy out of no where, for no reason. I felt uneasy, unsatisfied, and completely glum. I was short tempered. Lisa and i had a discussion about it, and it hit us. ITS THE PILL. 

Dont know all too well if its in my head or what. But i rather be happy with life than be a moody ass bitch with seemingly "nicer" boobs. I stopped taking the pill, i feel okay now, for the most part im not moody. Im going to be vigilent of how my emotions are and see if that negative state of mind comes back to see if my assumption is correct.

But for the time being, im going to conclude that my depressed/emotional/crazyass bitchiness of a person all derived due a side effect of birth control.

This all could just be a ploy to try and make myself feel better and believe im actually not out of whack. But who knows, really. Lol.

Toodles!

Journal

I bought a journal a couple months ago, because at the time i thought that maybe it wouldve been nice to have one. It just sounds cool - "i have a journal in which i write my deepest thoughts". 

At this time, it was when i first started to develop some sort of sentimental feelings for some guy i was beginning to date at the time. Nothing serious, but i had just begun to let my walls down and consider him as an actual potential person for me to connect more emotionally with. 

Anyways, so i purchased this journal at barnes and noble. Spent a good fourteen bucks on it. I stood in the book store staring at a shelf of journals and seriously contemplated on which journal was the one for me. Which one would make me feel like writing in it would feel just right. So i picked "the one". Fourteen hard earned  dollars. 

Knowing the mush ball of a "lover" that i am, the first two pages i wrote in that journal of mine was about how i met this guy that i was starting to have some sort of feelings for. At the time, i thought it was going to be something that wouldve worked out. I was completely wrong about that. That encounter with the guy lasted very briefly, that i barely even want to say it like it was actually a thing. It was sure not anything worth mentioning. 

I became a little embarrassed with myself for what i wrote in the journal, that im pretty glad i never wrote about him publicly on here. Since i thought that was going to be something more an all. After those two pages, i didnt even want to open that journal anymore. To see my mushy writing about some guy who is now worthless to me. 

Ive thought about tearing out those two pages and starting anew. But then those ripped edges would be there haunting me...and id know. Lingering thoughts that were once there. 

Anyways, the thing with that guy didnt work out in the end because neither of us were really compatible for each other. I wanted a different version of him and he wanted a different version of me. Perfect example of: 1. You cant change people for your own benefit and liking; and 2. Dont settle for less than what makes you truly happy. 

Well now that fourteen dollar journal is just sitting under a pile of stuff. Dont really plan on revisting that again.

And thats all i have to say about that.

Toodles!

Single

So, i've been single for approximately two years now.
I feel that part of me is still damaged from the past relationship, but i feel secure with myself enough to enjoy being single. I don't know if that necessarily would suggest that I'm "secure", but i'll just leave it as that.

Partially, because when i come across someone that i even do remotely like, i don't know how to act upon it...and for some strange reason i've just come up with this idea that guys at my age who are into me are just into me for the fun.

At this point in my life, i find it really important that i get to know people that i meet. I'm not interested in being in a relationship, or casually seeing someone. I don't want feelings to be involved.

Untitled

I've been in a very happy state as of lately. I think this may just be the happiest i've ever been within the past four years, and it's great. I think this is why i've stopped blogging. I'm not in my head as much as i used to, and i don't think long and hard about things.

Even if i do ponder my thoughts, i never really have the urge to write about it.

A couple weeks ago, i was stressed out over something that happened between some guy. Well it stressed me out to the degree that i almost actually wanted to write about it. Write about it and share some "insightful" thoughts relevant to it.

I'm not even that insightful...but sometimes i feel like when i think deeply enough, my words pour out like it's something worth reading.

Honestly, i've lost my touch.

Well i thought about it and i figured that, i don't think that being in my mind as often as i was if healthy for my state of mind. Because boy did i think A LOT. It's nice to be free. All i can ever to manage to write about is relationships/love anyways. And every time i've been coming back here as of lately, i'd write about why i'm mia...

I feel that its better this way, that i'm not here all the time. But i also feel saddened because this blog is the one thing that i kept constant in the past couple of years. So i'm unsure what to do about it.

On one hand i want to stop because it's better for me, and all i can seem to wrap my mind around it love and the idea of love. And then on the other hand, i don't want to neglect this completely.

Sorry

I'm sorry for my behaviors.

I'm sorry about that night that i did what i did.

Meh

When you look at me, you see a fun time.
Isn't that right?

A sweetheart with a wild side. Nymphomaniac, perhaps? Closet freak? Not necessarily, in those terms. During the midst of trying to find some sort of safe haven, i've taken the wrong turn and gotten lost along the way. I'm in a place where i just want to have fun, and that reflects very much on my persona and how i've been representing myself. I'm not taking things seriously, and that may just be why no one else takes me seriously.

The way i've chosen to spend my days as a twenty-one year old, actually isn't really all that wild. It's just how i interact with people i come across. I actually spend most of my nights at home, alone. Quite the contrary of what it may seem on social media, of course. But believe me.

...

When he looks at me, i feel that he sees me as...temporary. I've been through a lot, so my automatic response is to treat him as temporary also. See, if i don't establish any type of feelings, i'd be less likely to invest them into someone. Therefor, decreasing my chances of getting hurt...once again. The stares are empty, i don't know what his eyes want. They linger on me...

I don't know what it's like to be with someone genuinely anymore. Which is crazy because just about a year ago, it was just about all i knew.

He's just bored and lonely and quite frankly, so am i for the most part. It has to be clear to us that we are at the very least, slightly attracted to one another though. There's no other way that this could persist if that wasn't the case. Sometimes platonic company is nice, with a little electricity in between...neither of you really knowing what to do with it.

...

Okay, i'm going to go paint my nails now, byes.