Can't Be Friends

I wish we never did it. And i wish we never loved it, and i wish i never fell so deep in love with you and now there aint no way we can be friends...

♥

I already know.

With the way that you are, the way you are towards me and treat me...i already know how it's going to me. Tell me i'm wrong, well then prove it why don't you? Why don't you fucking prove to me that you actually appreciate me in your life. Huh? Don't get me wrong, i love you and all but jeeze why do you have to make it seem like you don't give a fuck about anything?

I told myself that once you got your car, you'd ditch me all the time to do your own thing. I was partially right because you always go off and do kiccit and dont even let me know. I end up sitting around at home bored as fuck wondering what the hell there is to do. Most of the time you don't even inform me. Makes me wonder why the hell i always put you first for everything. Seriously, why the hell do i do that?

We're still close and shit, but then i wonder why the hell that is. We barely really even kiccit unless i'm bored and i wanna do something so i gotta ask you if you tryna come do something with me. I wonder if maybe it's just because we have 6 damn classes together, so that's why we're still close.

Imma wait and see what it's like after highschool. I'm honestly tired of being the one that cares hella much all the time. You wonder why i think this way? Well take a step back and why don't you start showing some more appreciation and love as a friend?

I tell you all the time when i feel this way that i feel so damn unappreciated by you, and you don't do jack shit about it.

What's good vs. Attraction

I suppose sometimes you gotta follow what you feel would be good for you in life rather than simply just going for whatever attracts you and lures you in.

This can work for many things.

Following the right crowd - i.e students who study and do well in school vs. The party scene. They look tempting don't they? To go out and do things that are fun and exciting. But they're when you think about it...in the long run, the boring students who study all the time will definitely make it.

Choosing the right guy - i.e They sweet charming guy who would jump through hoops for you and treat you so well and shower you with so much love and kindness you wont know what to do with it vs. The bad boy who has you jumping through hoops to get his attention. The one that really is such a sweetie as well, but he has you worried that he'll step out any minute. The one that'll hurt you in the end.

Going for the guy thats already giving you the love and care. Why not? What's holding you back? Guess you can't really pinpoint it can you. There's nothing wrong with it. For some reason you just can't go for it. Even though you know you'll really enjoy the time with the person, you still can't. You feel the need to go off and test the waters with the other fools that's aren't going to be serious with you. They aren't going to be real.

I guess that's why they say that nice guys always finish last, cause girls don't give them a chance.

Failing to appreciate what you already have in front of you. Until its gone, and it's too late you'll realize that, that is what you needed. That is what would have gave you butterflies in your stomach and made you happy. You'll realize it too late...and by then you'll be sad all over again.

Bed

**
Just imagine it like this. Close your eyes and imagine.

I'm imagining you and i like this. You and me laying down comfortably, enjoying each others company. Not a word is said between you and me. We lay there in peace and you only hear the sound us breathing. Suddenly, one of us would break the silence with a "What do you want to do?..." and the other would respond with a, "Oh...i don't know. It doesn't matter." -- Yah, it doesn't matter at all. There isn't anything else either of us would rather be doing than this. I breathe in your scent, and let out a sigh. You ask me whats on my mind. I tell you nothing. It's always just nothing, but of course there's something. I look at you and smile. In my head i'm thinking how perfect this is. We don't have to be doing anything, just being in your presence is enough for me.

Bed - J. Holiday

Oh, but don't get me wrong. I'm not actually tryna put you to bed.

♥

**Yes. This is quite an awkward picture.

TIME RESTRAINT

Hi. I just got back from bowling in Castro Valley with a couple of my friends for Lex's birthday. Currently it is 12:16am and i am using my sister's laptop to type this. I have only 7% battery life left, so i'm guessing that is about 10 minutes or less until this dies on me. Crap. I haven't blogged in a while, and currently i am facing a tiny little problem. I wish i can write more, but i don't know how much time i have left.

Yes. I know, why don't i just go get the charger? Well...i have no idea where it is.

Shit. Just kidding, i fooled myself. It was right near my foot. Good job Kathy -_-
I GUESS THAT MEANS I CAN WRITE MORE :D

Well yeah, i just went bowling except i didn't even bowl. Lisa hella called me last minute while i was at the gym. I met up with her at my house and we just left from there. I went smelling like sweat in my gym clothes. Nice. Well we went to UC tap to meet others up and didn't head over to Castro Valley till around 10ish? My stupid self didn't bother to ask what bowling alley we were bouta go to till we left my house. So i was kind of just stuck going along. I was really hoping that i would be able to have some delicious pizza there, but to my disappointment THERE WAS NO DAMN PIZZA. Seriously, what bowling alley doesn't have pizza? I wouldn't know actually...that was my second time going bowling. Sighs.

So here are my problems. I just got home. Its 12:21am now as i'm writing this sentence. I haven't showered or eaten. I'm sitting here contemplating if i should shower tomorrow morning or just shower now. And if i should eat or not. I don't want to eat because as soon as i'm done eating i'm just going to hop into bed right after, which is not good at all. Boohoo. And since i wasted most of my time sitting here wondering what i should do about my showering problem, it is now officially too late to shower.

The two things i hate to do on a daily basis: Get out of bed in the morning and dry my hair after i shower along with getting dressed.

I don't know why, but whenever i'm done showering, i just get so lazy and i just want to sit around in my towel. Blow drying my hair takes too much work too! Iono.

Right now my tummy is yelling at me for treating it badly. Poor thing. I'm also not even all that tired. Maybe i can finish up English homework...I'll think about that.

I napped today for a little bit. There definitely isn't anything to do. Thank goodness i picked up the habit to go to the gym on the daily. :) Hehe.

Well i suppose i'll just end it here. There isn't much to say. Bye! :D

♥

*p.s. i really wanted pizza today too. :(

End of the world?

Call me crazy, but i'm starting to think about the possibilities of this prediction of the world ending could be...true. Shooot, i really don't want to even think about that. What kind of crazy fuckery is this? I mean...all these things are happening right now. Like a world wide tragedy, which is just horrible. I don't believe that this is true, the world coming to and end on 12/21/2012.

Seriously...i want to know who came up with this idea! The Mayan Calender? Well the Mayan calender can suck my dick! Just kidding...i don't understand how they came up with this. Why...why?? I mean people are telling me all these things like everything the Mayan calender has predicted, came true. So...for them to say the world is going to end...what the fuck?

The thing is...i never thought about this before. How can God put this upon us? That's what i want to know. That's why i don't want to believe it because my whole being feels like God wouldn't set it up like this...but i guess nothing lasts forever, not even life as we know it. Mankind will be gone just like the dinosaurs. Extinct. Poof. Along with our dogs, cats, and gorgeous nature.

Well enough of that. I feel like if this were to be true, which it can't be, then i should go do everything i want to do and not give a super fuck about anything. Just the thing about that is that if i were to do that then i'll feel like an idiot when i'm alive on 12/22/2012. LOL.

Basically, i hope it isn't true because i want to have kids. :)

And i want to grow old with someone. Life, the future, death. Scares me shitless. I don't know what to expect...sigh.

The reason for this is because i'm kind of scared. After seeing what went on in Japan, i really don't want to see us suffer...i mean nobody wants that! I seriously don't ever want to experience such a thing. And i'm just thinking about all the possible outcomes of it...like i definitely want my dogs to survive through it for sure. Especially my poodle, because my mom loves that dog so much i don't want to see her lose Bunny.

But...well....just to be cautious, everyone should go prepare and stock up on food, water, and blankets! I mean...if it happens, it happens but lets all hope for the best.

♥

Infrareds

I gave up on wanting to buy air maxes. They're too pricey for my little poor self, and i don't really wear shoes. Although i'm pretty convinced that if i got a pair, i'd definitely wear them around. They're sexy ass shoes. Iono why. I see guys wear them. I think its my favorite shoe to see on guys. I wouldn't mind sporting a pair. Maybe i'd be able to pull it off with my awesome swaag. (;

Justene Jaro everybody...

Oh and the Infrareds. Its the shoes that caught my attention.

Nice kicks ma.

Consider this as a little treat. Bahaha.

♥

Relief

Sigh. People should really try letting out their feelings and thoughts more often. Letting it out just feels so much better. I feel a lot lighter now...if that made any sense.

Inside me i still feel a bit down. But the fact that i accepted things, and let out my thoughts just makes me feel a lot better. Everything happens for a reason. Unfortunately this seriously ended on a bad note. But it's okay, i mean every will be okay. And i'm fine with everything.

♥

Errors

Hm...i realized that when i blog and just spill whatevers on my mind out on here, i tend to have a lot of grammatical and spelling errors. Haha. Usually i try to avoid those but i guess because i'm sitting here just typing along the next words that pop up into my head to form a lovely blog post, i don't really pay attention because its going along to smoothly in my mind.

I don't care to proof read either because...this isn't any type of formal writing assignment. Just sometimes when i go back and read some of my posts, i feel like a dummy because i wrote things grammatically incorrect.

______

I stayed up all night kind of, thinking about stuff. Pondering my thoughts. Couldn't really sleep, or maybe i just didn't want to sleep. Well i'm surprised i'm up before 2pm though. Kudos to me. I'm starting to lose motivation to go to church. Or maybe that's just today. I'm tired. Haha. :x

Gotta take Lena out today to. She wants me to drive her around so she can do her errands. Lmao. Time to start my day...

♥

Pups ♥

My dogs are baby making machines. I believe this is the third batch of puppies that came from Chowder. I'm surprised Rossie didn't get knocked up again. I have some hornyass dogs.

Two boys, one girl. Pomeranian/Maltese babies. We already put them up for sale, and that one right there in the front center of the picture is leaving tomorrow. They're so adorable. Thank goodness i didn't get too attached to them this time. I hate seeing them go.

Family

I feel like it's really important to spend quality time with your family, because that really creates a stronger bond. Especially among siblings. Definitely something i would try to have when i'm older. All about the connection with the family.

Kicked it with my siblings today at my brothers house. We had a game night. Haha. At first i was thinking how lame it was going to be. I canceled my plans to hang out with them cause my sister was telling me how i always miss out on family time. It's not even because i think im "too cool" for them though! I mean, i just make plans with my friends before finding out bout family things.

Well yah, it was pretty nice. I'm pretty close to them now, compared to before at least. I really like the fact that i'm so at ease with them now. Especially my brother. I never even thought we would even be able to hang out with each other. So i thank God for that. Thank you for granting my wish...because ever since i was younger i always wanted to feel accepted by him, and i believe i finally got it. I mean i know we aren't solid now or anything. But this is good enough. No awkwardness or bad vibes.

The night with them went by smoothly. It was pretty chill, and i'm glad i spent it with them.

I love my family.

♥

Creeps pt.2

I really dont know what it is about some people...some people though always are creepin -- being creeps yah know? It's just weird...

Not exactly on what you would call a "creep" but along the lines of that some how...

Well first off, what i don't understand is how when you NEVER respond to someone, they don't get the message that you don't want to talk to you and they keep tryna talk to you...

Some people don't even realize that theyre being creepers...which is just sad. Maybe i should let them know that i fuckin think they're hella creepy. I don't want to be rude and shit though i guess...but i should, huh? Yahh.

This guy that has been trying to just talk to me hella doesn't get that do not want to talk to him. He would be messaging me privately and shit throwing compliments and me and stuff, and i just don't even respond...all day today he'd be messaging me every now and then asking me why i don't talk to him, how rude it is that i don't even respond, and blahblahblah. I'm just a little bit freaked it. One. It's mostly because he legit even looks like a damn creeper. Two. The way that he first even approached me (through cyber space) was even weird. The first conversation i had with him made him seem off...just the way he is in general. I don't exactly know him...but he wanted to add me on FB. I added him only because i've seen him around church. And i was thinking to myself...how bad can he be, he's from church. I mean he has never even talked to me in person. I did find it weird because...well how the hell did he figure out my name? We didn't even have mutual friends. NOW THATS WEIRD. Right? Tell me i'm right. I'm right. Well apparently i think he's been eavesdropping on some of my conversations with people. After he brought up something i have never personally talked to him about with, that's when i knew. He's weird. Well i suppose i thought wrong, i guess anyone can be creepy. Damnn.

And then he goes on saying "I think i know what's going on....did you give up talking to me for lent?" Yes. That's what i'm doing. I gave up talking to you for lent, good job.

All this Jazzz

All this stuff going on about the world ending, and we're going to die soon.

Big earthquake followed by a tsunami happening in Japan, and the something about that nuclear plant blowing up spreading across the pacific ocean spreading towards CA -- which i believe is suppose to be pretty deadly, and we can possibly die.

Hey, i don't know. I'm not trying to think that we're seriously going to die or something within the next two years, but this is all over Tumblr right now. Lol. Sometimes i really can't believe what tumblr tells me. That stuff is filled with false information...

But i was thinking...if i was going to die anytime soon from the nuclear plant blowing up...i'd like to at least spend a few days with you before i leave. Just saying. There isn't anything else that i could possibly do to enjoy myself by the time i die.

♥

You Still Exist

Relevant.

Don't worry. I know it's over, i know we're through.

I know you've moved on. I know i fucked up with us.

I know you're better off now. After all, i'm just a little girl and that's all you see now...

Look at us now, we don't even talk. Its like we never happened and everything was lost. I see you moving on, and i should do the same, but have you ever wondered, love, what if you stayed.

But that's a dream i'll never get to live...i'm sorry...

Some may find this silly, but only a few know why i'm still trippin.

I guess i hurt you, so now it's my turn to hurt. Right?

Timothy Crofton

We hired Timothy Crofton to sell our house, because being cheap and hiring some chinese people doesn't do us no good. Hopefully we get this house sold quick. I don't really want to move away from Fremont, but i guess we'll see what the plan is after we sell the house. This is such a nice home, especially after we fixed it up and refurnished it. I'd love to continue living here but its just killing us financially.

Well they brought in new furniture to refurnish the house and make it look more appealing to the potential buyers. I gotta say, it looks hella dope! Aha. Hella "americanized" and modern. I like it. I think i'm gonna go chill in my living room and the niceass couch for now since they took my desk outta my room. Would anyone like to join me on my couch and embrace the beauty of my home? :)

Smiley faces right now, and i'm still feeling good. Had a moment of sadness, but it went away.

Thank you for making me smile.

♥

Lent 2011

I love this feeling that i'm feeling right now. Pure joy and happiness. It's just so fantastic.

I'm seriously so ecstatic that i want to go run around and sing.

Pretty much just feeling so good about myself, and life all together...

Love this feeling, can't get over it.

:)

:p

Got my eyebrows done today. Tried threading for the first time ever. It's pretty neat! Amazing what a little plucking, waxing, or threading can do. I let my eyebrows grow out for about two weeks before i went to get them threaded. People wouldn't really notice, unless you really looked at me, but boy were they furry. LOL. Kind of gross that i'm even trying to explain it. Basically, now my face just looks more clean. If you know what i mean...

So the gym is working out well for me. My arms are pretty sore, and so are my cores.

I like this feeling though, lets me know that i'm actually doing some work here. :)

Ash Wednesday today, which is the start of Lent.

I'm going to give up drinking soda. Just because i'm working out now, i might as well give that up so. Right? Right. Lets hope i go through with it! I have faith...sort of. Because i don't really want to give it up.

♥

Relaxed.

I'm not necessarily relaxed right now.

Just got home from the gym, and i guess i'm sort of getting the hang of it a bit.

Definitely something i don't want to give up on.

I was so close to not going today, but i'm glad i did because it really cleared my mind and it's feeling so relaxed and at ease right now. I'm feeling great and i love it.

♥

Gym

What a long day today was. Typical Monday. Was barely able to get my ass out of bed this morning to go to school, so i begged my mom to let me skip first so i can sleep a little bit more. It was nice, if only school started at 800am instead. Lucky for me, next year i will have that opportunity. :)

School went on like a drag. Don't have much to say about that...i was just feeling super tired. Don't know why but lately, (since the weekend) my body has just been feelings super tired. I have no explanation for it.

Went to De Anza college with Lisa after school. The drive down there was a serious bitch. I'm started to think about if i really want to go there with the gayass commute. The campus is hella nice though, and it seriously would be nice to get away from Fremont. Thing is, i don't want to move away from Fremont, but my mom is thinking about it so i can go to De Anza. I don't know. Well we went to De Anza to see if we can speak to a counselor, but we weren't able to. Apparently we need to attend the new student orientation sometime in May.

Came home and was pretty beat, wanted to take a nap. Instead i went to the Gym for the first time in my whole entire life! Thank goodness for Micko. His job is to train and motivate me. I feel like such a loser because some of the work outs he had me do were kind of hard...i mean i did it though. I'm so much more weak than i thought! Damn. Especially one of the work outs i had to do with him...it was impossible. I'll be able to do em in a while.

Super tired right now though. Just took a shower to freshen up. Feels good.

♥

Dancing in the moonlight

I wonder if i have a blog post by the title of this yet...hm

It was a really nice night tonight. Seriously just love the smell of the air when it's raining.

I like having talks with people. Just sitting around and talking, it's nice.

mmm....i love tonight & i have no explanation for it.

♥

GPS

I really need a new GPS. My last one malfunctioned, and i never had a chance to go buy a new one. So, now i've been using the navigator on my phone. There's many problems with that though. I mean, i guess it can get me somewhere but i definitely can NOT rely on it. Lightweight blame that on myself...it also rapes the battery from my phone and i can't receive texts while navigating my way around. Haha.

Anyways, wont believe this. Totally pissed me off though. I was tryna get to my friend's place down in Blossom Hill. I was already around the Evergreen area visiting my other friend. It's around 7pm as i'm trying to find my way to Blossom Hill, and my navigation is telling me which way to go. I was pretty positive at first till my navigation told me to go one way and i swore its suppose to be the other way. I was a little bit iffy...but i thought that maybe the navigator knew a different way to get to Blossom Hill Rd, so i kept on going...dumbass little me didn't even decide to take and exit to see wtf is wrong with the directions. I kept following it and getting doubts. I drove about 8miles down south and hit Los Gatos. What.The.Fuck. Apparently there was a blossom hill in Los Gatos that i wasn't aware of. Ended up completely back tracking. Found the correct directions to the Blossom Hill in SJ and made it there an hour late. Holy Shit -___- And to make it better, my phone battery completely drained and my phone proceeded to die on me. Luckily for Trung and his car charge though. Phew.

Last night i went to a little party get together thing down in SJ. It was pretty whack, but it was whatever. Not going to go into so much detail with that. Just wanted to note that well, i've never seen so many Lesbians together in one room. Lesbians, bis, whatever they were. Don't get me wrong, i wasn't freaked out or judging em. Thought it was pretty cool actually.

♥

Exhausted.

I'm really tired right now. It's 1:46am, and i just got home.

I'm tired for many reasons.

I'm tired of...a lot, but i don't really even want to say.

I'm pretty pathetic actually, and well i don't know.

I know for a fact that i'm not pathetic and i'm a fucking great person at heart. Not trying to sound hella full of myself and shit, but i know that's a fact.

*Note: Drinking to get rid of problems, doesn't really do any good.

Anywho, for your information, i didn't drink tonight to get rid of my problems. Okay maybe i did. I needed to escape. Just for a minute. It was nice while it lasted you know?

Except i guess i'm just tired in general. Didn't get enough sleep, and had a long day. Didn't nap or any of that. After i drank all my energy was just completely drained from me...

I know whoever reads my posts, and knows what's on my mind...i'm pretty sure you're sick of hearing me say this. But right now my head isn't here so i'm going to say it. Can i? Okay, i will...

Excuse me...i wish you would notice how much i care. I know it's too late now and you don't care about my feelings. I don't have much to say actually. I'm not going to say stuff like no one will ever love you like i did...because i'm sure whoever you're going to be with next will love you 10x more, and treat you so much better...i'm really sorry i was never able to make you happy. I really wish i can go back and make it better. If there was ever a chance, i'd be better. I promised you that. You didn't care. I would have given you my all. 110% effort, dedication and love. I would have shown my love to you, that it was big from the moon and back. But you're over me...you don't care. I would have done things differently...cause...i don't want to lose you. I'd put you before anyone...i'd put you before myself. I'd drive long distance to go see you if you were too lazy, i'd take care of you if you were sick...because i can drive now. Tender love and care. All for you. I wish i can show you, i wish you would at least care and give me that chance...

you know what though...because you don't give a fuck about me...i guess you don't deserve it. i know you think hella lowly of me and shit. fuck that. i hurt you, and you hurt me. I guess it's fair now. It's been over a year and i'm hung up on this. HOW FUCKING PATHETIC IS THAT. I'm so sorry for everything. You don't even understand...and you don't care.

I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm hurt.

Goals -

Finally got gym membership today. Let's see how long i can keep up with working out. My goal is to become more active and less of a lazy ass.

Also, i'm thinking about looking for a job again. Thinking of places that i can possibly work at just temporarily. Best of luck to me on my quest to find a decent job. If anything, it'll probably be something reatail which i totally want to stay away from. But as a 17 year old, thats pretty much my only option. And Mcdonalds. I'll think about that one. I was wondering if i can actually go work in an office or something...hmm...i think i'm going to go look in the job ads. :)

♥

France

Just a dream of mine, to go to Europe and settle there for a moment. Maybe create myself a temporary life. Study there, perhaps? I don't know. Just a dream of mine, because that's just me putting myself to the test. Well doesn't have to be Europe. Anywhere different. It just sounds like a great experience. Stepping out of my comfort zone and into a new element. Exposing myself to new and different things forcing myself to learn new ways of life.

♥

Oscars

I'm currently watching the Oscars right now online.

Anne Hathaway is so adorable! This is interesting though, i usually never don't watch the Oscars. Actually...on second thought, i never even watched the Oscars before. Haha. I'm watching this for Anne Hathaway. It's also pretty interesting to see all these great movies, and people win awards for them. Very cool.

Good day today! I think it was mostly because i really liked the sweater i was wearing...i wanted to go out today and do something, but there was nothing to do and i passed out. Well yah, i don't know. It was just a bright day. Sun was out and everything. The only downside is that i found out i'm now on a tardy contract. 4 years of highschool, and i'm finally on a Tardy Contract. I'm not so surprised since i'm basically late every single day to 1st period ever since November. Funny thing because just today i was walking to first thinking to myself "Thank goodness i'm not a tardy contract." Shoot i should have knocked on some wood while thinking that.

So now that's a one hour Saturday for every tardy i have. Crap. I don't know how i'm going to get myself up and out of my house on time to get to school. Good luck to me. I'm going to try and sleep early today and hopefully i'll get up on time. I'll go sleep after the Oscars. :)

♥