Diet: Day 17

I started a diet with my boyfriend at the beginning of this year on January 4th. We didn't start exactly on January 1st because i wanted one last weekend to indulge.

This diet is basically keeping track of the foods i eat to hit my "macros". Which are the proteins, carbs, and fats that i intake daily. We found my maintenance level which is at 1700 calories a day. This maintenance level is how much i consume each day to maintain the weight that i'm at. (Sounds like a no brainer actually.) With that, i have a limit of how much grams of proteins, carbs, and fats i can have within that 1700. And i will have to eat exactly that much proteins, carbs, and fats, but can not exceed the amount set.

The fact that it's said that i can basically eat whatever i want sounds like it could be a cake walk. First couple of days of dieting, i found that it wasn't too bad. I am now on day 17 of my diet and i'm finding that it is not at all the case.

Sure i can eat whatever i want...but if what i want contains high amount of fat/protein/carbs, then the rest of the day i'm very limited to what i can eat. Sure i can eat whatever i want, but i can't eat whenever i want. I really have to time when i eat. I can't just snack at my leisure. Every.Single.Thing. that i put into my body has to be "tracked" down into my eating log. Little snacks means fats and carbs. Fats and carbs that are eaten means that my ratio of fats, carbs, and protein ratio will be off. Which means, later when i may have to consume a large amount of protein with a small amount of carbs (i.e rice and chicken).

It seems to be complicated sometimes when i have to explain to them. It sounds like a lot of work. I have never been one to go to these extremes. I have dieted last year, to just look good in Vegas. I ate whatever i wanted within reason. There was a lot of self control, as there is for any type of diet. I stayed away from sweets and watched what i ate. It wasn't too hard then. In the end, i had good results. I was happy.

This is a whole different diet altogether, and i have to say that i am on the verge of losing it and giving up. Sometimes i get moody. The fact that i can't eat fruit whenever i please (because it means carbs) upsets me. I can't REALLY eat whatever i want.

My mind may need some more time adjusting.

Reasons why i'm not giving up:
1. I have started this and i want to go through with it, with the best of my ability. Till it completely breaks me and i have some type of break down. That's when i will quit. But i haven't reached that point yet, so i believe i should keep going.
2. I really want to see the outcome of this, because according to my bf if i continue with this diet i won't have to do cardio. I hate cardio.
3. I could end up looking hella sexy, so it'll all be worth it IF i make it till the end.
4. No pain, no gain?

I just want a chalupa right now and some potato chips. Also boiling crab. But...yah.

Toodles ~

This fall...

It's raining outside right now, and i'm sitting here thinking about how Thanksgiving is about a day away. But actually, my family will be celebrating it TONIGHT. So, i'm pretty excited about that. Usually, i like to prepare a dish for the family just to have something to contribute, but i have work and class all day tomorrow and won't have the time to do that. That's something a bit disappointed about. Preparing dishes is something Lena and i do almost every year together for the holidays. This year, she will be doing it on her own.

I always do try and recognize the blessings in my life each day. I suppose this holiday itself makes me really think about it on a deeper level. Kind of cliche at this point, don't you think?

I have a new niece and a new brewing relationship that came upon me this year. Two events of which i am more than thankful for.

My niece, Everly, was born November 10, 2015! I think she is the most adorable little baby. That's a biased opinion, of course i'd have to think she's the dearest of them all. I'm impatiently waiting for her to grow some more and start babbling and recognizing the world around her. She's boring right now, all she does is sleep whenever i go visit her. I've changed her diaper twice, and once out of the two she peed all over the place after i took her diaper off. I can stare at her forever (or more like for 2 minutes with a five minute break).

Pictures to come.

I have met someone earlier this year, who i think is fantastic. I've tried to refrain writing about him, more just because i wanted to keep this relationship more low-key than i have with the last in terms of writing about my adornment for him on and on.

Two new things in my life i'm very grateful for, but can't forget what has always been around for me.

It's been a while since i've been genuinely happy with myself. Things have been going well.

Alone

I've changed a lot over the years, in many aspects. I'm always surprising myself somehow, whether it's good or bad. A lot of my actions are questionable, and i wonder how much more i can grow from where i am today.

They say that you need to truly be at peace with yourself till you can truly be happy in your own skin. You need to accept how it is to truly be alone -- to be happy and alone -- otherwise you will always find yourself depending on someone else as a source of happiness.

I am happy with life, for the most part. In that case, "for the most part", am i really truly happy. Perhaps i haven't yet truly learned what it's like to be absolutely alone in purely the presence of myself. If i really think about it, i'm never really alone. There will always be someone there to text, a couple clicks away. Just to keep me company when i am alone.

Come to think of it, i don't think i know how to be alone. I get bored. I get lonely. And i just don't know what to do with myself. What do people do when they're enjoying their own company? I'm not that enjoyable for others to be around...i'm awkward.

Maybe these are the types of revelations i need to have with myself to really understand who i am as a person.

This blog post actually did not go in the direction that i had originally planned. I started off thinking that i am happy. I mean i AM happy. After pondering my thoughts, i feel like there's more i need to learn about myself. More ways i need to grow.

And once you think that you've had it all figured out, you really don't.

Toodles ~

Pills

So, ive been on birth control since i was 17 years old. Ive been ingesting the same type ever since, just because the physicians at planned parenthood felt that if i wasnt having any problems with what i was taking, there wasnt really a need to try different estrogen dosages or whatever it is thats in those things to help prevent pregnancies.

The problem was that i didnt know that the pills were effecting me negatively at all. There are all different types of side effects that you generally hear about from other females that are on birth control. There are so many different types of pills out there, and everyone's bodies react differently so you never really know what type of side effect you could possibly get from your birth control. We just all hope and pray that it doesnt get us pregnant, and as long as thats the case then we sit back, relax, and take the side effects as it comes. 

Most common side effects that we hear are that it makes you more moody and/or you can add a couple pounds. Some ppeople are blessed and get bigger boobs or a nice ass - basically the fat goes in the right places. Then some people just get round all over. 

I was definitely a moody one - real, real moody. But i figured that it was just a regular sise effect because thats what i heard happens. So i took it as a normal thung, and that its nothing to really fuss about. No big deal, as long as i dont get pregnant.

Its not like i knew the extremities of my moodiness. Eventually, i think i figured that its just me instead of thinking of kt as a side effect of the pill. I had all type of emotions. A lot of sadness, anger, short tempers, etc. 

When my ex and i broke up whenever ago, i still continued to take the pill for "just in case, you never know" reasons. There was that point in time where i felt like i had some slight depression for whatever reason. (If youve kept up with my writing from during that time, im shre youd know.) 

It wasnt till the beginning of this year, when i stopped dating and was due to go get a refill on my birth control, that i stopped taking the birth control that ive been taking since i was seventeen. I got lazy and didnt want to go back to the doctors for it, especially since i wasnt actually "getting any" anyways. So, i was off the pill. 

Coincidentally, my outlook on life changed. As though the light in my life has fibally turned on. I felt as though  i was in a really good place in my life and i couldnt be happier about it. I figured that maybe  it was because i was single and am finding myself again. I told people that im just happier single, and i like the way things are. 

However, unfortunately, i did get the perk of getting nicer boobs while i was on the pill, so getting off of it i believe that my boobs have gotten smaller. Im still unsure if its from no longer being on the pill or be cause ive been rigorously working out more so ive lost boob fat. Well regardless, i just decided that maybe i could go back on the pill in hopes that my boobs would come back. Yes, its that serious. 

So, i started taking the same exact pill tbat ive been on since i was 17, again. About three weeks in, and all of a sudden i notice that im moody again. Even Lisa noticed. I felt unhappy out of no where, for no reason. I felt uneasy, unsatisfied, and completely glum. I was short tempered. Lisa and i had a discussion about it, and it hit us. ITS THE PILL. 

Dont know all too well if its in my head or what. But i rather be happy with life than be a moody ass bitch with seemingly "nicer" boobs. I stopped taking the pill, i feel okay now, for the most part im not moody. Im going to be vigilent of how my emotions are and see if that negative state of mind comes back to see if my assumption is correct.

But for the time being, im going to conclude that my depressed/emotional/crazyass bitchiness of a person all derived due a side effect of birth control.

This all could just be a ploy to try and make myself feel better and believe im actually not out of whack. But who knows, really. Lol.

Toodles!

Beyond Wonderland 2014

Today, i tried to sneak into Beyond Wonderland. I've never even attempted to sneak into an event before. I was really skeptical about the idea of it, but people kept telling me how fool proof sneaking in was. More so...it's really all about strategy and timing -- two important aspects that i lack completely.

I did not have a plan coming forth. Walking towards the entrance, i only had time to think for a brief moment. I was freaking out, to be honest. My mind was hectic, and i felt out of my element. What was i even trying to attempt to do? This isn't me, i'm not dishonest! It was almost thrilling...

I wanted to feel the rush, excitement of actually making it.

Three check points to get through. Check my id, check my belongings, check the ticket i didn't have.

I tried to bribe a guy, he would not let me in. He was actually kind of really rude about it, but i understand. I didn't arrive with my mind set that i will get in, no matter what. There was a lot of doubt. I tried a second time using a friends ticket, which also did not work.

That's when  just about gave up. And i was by my lonesome self. My friends had tickets, so i told them to go in an have fun. I'd be able to figure out what to do.

The crowd outside of beyond, is one interesting group of people.
The schemers, the go getters, the hoodlums. I was part of that group today, wondering what the hell i was doing...feeling like a complete idiot for not buying a ticket. I didn't mind too much about not being able to get in though. It was actually sort of a cool experience, to see what the people outside of beyond were like. You never really think about them, till you are there yourself.

I don't really know what it was, but then it was nice a vibe regardless of all of our situations...

This whole experience sort of made me realize, raves are not really my thing...i think i'm over it for now.

Until next time...

Undress Me

20 in Vegas

Went to Vegas to experience the "Vegas" life for the first time, as an underaged "young adult". It was such a great time spent! "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" apparently, so does that mean i shouldn't blog about my experience there...Maybe in this case, pictures will just have to speak more than words.

Eclipse Daylight Pool party -- "crashed" a bachelor's party

Cuteass Palestine guy that got us
into the day & night club 

Jokingly asked if we can get a wheelchair, & succeeded!

Pusha T

You ever wondered what you looked like when you just let loose and dance around all crazy and shit? I guess it doesn't look as good as it feels when you're in the moment. They called me "wild child". I'm a gif on my own blog. Heheh.

I'll be back for you Vegas, in exactly a month from today.

Pure Lounge

I went clubbing for the first time ever in my life last Saturday at Pure Lounge. Lisa and i both have never been to the club before in our lives, so we were so unsure as to how were were really even suppose to dress. All black never hurts anyone, of course.

What i learned is that, maybe the clubbing scene isn't my thing. Probably not something i can do all the time, otherwise i might catch "the ratchet"...and well, become ratchet. Haha, just kidding. But definitely not a thing you can do sober. At first we were sort of put off by the atmosphere. I mean, it was really fun and energetic, but we just weren't drunk enough for it. Some guy i think was hitting on me or something, and i literally told him, "Sorry, i'm not drunk yet." Or i think he was asking me to dance, that would make more sense. And then he responded saying, "I respect that." I sort of thought that was funny. Once i actually got a couple drinks in, i was good to go. I could've managed to be more drunk, but i had to keep in mind that i had work the next morning. Going to the club that night was completely spontaneous. Lisa and i had originally planned to go to one of my old friend's birthday celebration, but it didn't work out. In the end, i think we had more fun going to the club than we would've in retrospect. Haha. I love when things work out like that.

The group of people i went with were fun, and the dudes were real helpful. 

July 12, 2014: I lost my clubbing virginity. 

I think i'm ready for Vegas now! (Two more days, woo hoo!)

A-K

It's not that her life has been fulfilled with excitement. If she had a bucket list, she definitely hasn't yet checked off more than half of what's listed -- she probably doesn't even have more than 20% of any of it checked off. She lives her life day by day, and she's completely afraid of what the future holds for her; so she just doesn't really think much of it. They say to live for tomorrow, but then today isn't tomorrow. So, you live for today and hope for tomorrow. It's not like she is impoverished though, she's living a pleasant life for the most part. She's very blessed, so there's no living day to day scared of not being able to make it to the next. She never has to use her A-K, so everyday is practically a good day.

What is this all about? She isn't afraid of death. A lot of people can say that they've lived a good life, so it's okay if they're taken from the earth. She's lived a rather decent life, but she hasn't done enough -- whatever that even means, right? Perhaps she just feels that life is what it is, things and people come and go...so if she has to go, then at this point she has experienced life for what it is.

When the time is up, she can go relatively happy.

So, she'd like you all to know that...despite whatever troubles you may be going through, just look at things in a more positive light. Be a good person, not because you expect something out of it, but because it's good to be a good person. She loves you very much.

Goodnight, from her.

Little Spoon

I feel arms wrapped tight around me as i lay in bed. I just can't seem to fall asleep, but it's comforting to know that someone is laying by me soundly asleep. Thoughts have filled my head of a time when this was right and when this was real. Tonight, i am the little spoon. Faced away, with one arm tucked beneath me and the other wrapped around me -- i hold the hand to my chest tightly...and inhale.

I've turned on some classical music hoping that it'll help me fall asleep faster, doesn't seem to be working. The sounds of the piano fill my ears -- my mind. I imagine myself outside, the warmth of the sun kissing my skin. I want to kiss the hand i hold, i want to fall asleep.

I turn over, and i'm alone.
Tonight, like most nights, i am alone.

Tonight, I miss being the little spoon.

Among many things, this was something that has crossed my mind tonight. I don't know why i'm having the worst time trying to fall asleep tonight though. It's absolutely infuriating. I almost just want to wait it out till the sun rises and have an incredibly early start to my day. I'm thinking a lot about food, most specifically i'm thinking about the hot cheetos in my kitchen and the buy one get one free chipotle coupon i have. I was thinking about who i could go share a free chipotle with. I was thinking of who would want to go eat boiling crab or dim sum with me. My eating buddy, Tram, has gone back to Berkeley.

Well, this little spoon is out, for now. Toodles.

One

Today at work, i was standing outside cleaning the windows. This older man, perhaps in his late forties or mid fifties (i couldn't really tell) comes up to me and says, "Excuse me miss, do you have any type of ointment that i can put on my face? I fell off my bike..." I looked at his face, and it clearly looked like he completely ate it judging by the scars on his face and hands. It didn't look like it was fresh, but it did look like it happened recently.

Well, mind you that i work at a nail spa in Santana Row. Of all places, why would you stop at a nail spa and ask for treatment. I almost sent him to the concierge's office, but then i remembered that we do have a little first aid kit in our store. I didn't want to send him away knowing i could help him. So i told him, "Oh yeah, i think we do have something". I walk him inside and give him some Neosporin. He pretty much just lathered it all over his scabs and proceeds talking to me.

"Are you Vietnamese or Chinese?"
"I'm Vietnamese."
"Oh, you're very pretty..."
"Oh, thank you. Are you okay? Do you need a band-aid?"
"No, i just needed some ointment. I fell off my bike yesterday"

He trailed off a little, and went back to the whole i'm pretty thing and says, "i saw a really pretty one yesterday (referring to a girl, i'm assuming asian). One of the most beautiful i've ever seen...well thank you for the ointment!"

I just kind of laughed it off, and said you're welcome. I've never heard of a person referring to another person as though they're an object before. Am i just trippin' or by context, did it really sound like he was referring to the female he encountered as though she was an object. He must of saw her and fell off his bike or something. Just kidding, that's mean.

I'll have to admit, it's flattering sometimes when older men find me pretty, only for the fact that it makes me feel older. But then i get creeped out when i realize that i actually look like i'm 16. The thought makes me shiver.

______________________

I was on tumblr and came across this picture:

Now that's just wrong. Men are turned on by just the oddest things. Why is it a surprise to us when women go about flaunting themselves in the way that that society has labeled as "sexy" when it's actually trashy. Almost a little tacky. 

I know how that photo plays within fantasy of every male. You have the car in the background, mile long legs in hells, mini skirt with a little peek-a-boo, and obviously she's been a bad bad girl.

This post has become awkward for me, toodles.

Donut Even

Went to the mall today with Tram, and i found a body suit/one piece swim suit that had donuts on it. I got really excited about it for several reasons. The top reason being that they were basically the same exact donuts as i have on my phone's background. You must be wondering why i have donuts as my background -- i had a fat craving for donuts on week and Justin decided to send me this photo, which i ended up really liking because it was colorful and fun. The next reason for why i got really excited about this article of clothing is because, who the hell would really buy this and wear it out in public?! No one would take you seriously. It made me laugh, but after i went to go put it on for my own amusement i thought it was actually a really fun print. I could see myself maybe wearing that to some type of event...possibly. Just for shit and giggles. I wouldn't waste my money on it though.

This picture is good enough for the memories. Saved myself the 12 bucks, and got a good giggle from it.

Shower

My dog enjoys showers with me.

La Jolla, Ca

I drove down to San Diego last weekend with Sandro (a friend from high school) to visit Henry. It was just the perfect mini vacation that i've been needing. It kind of made me really anxious to want to move away from the bay area -- i really want to get away from here and set myself somewhere in SoCal for a year or so just so i can experience life in a different perspective. I'm bored here in the bay area, coming home made me feel like i just want to be anywhere but here. 

I was pretty much the only girl hanging out with a bunch of guys each day and night, and it wasn't too bad because they all treated me like i was some type of princess. Boy was i lucky to be blessed with a weekend full of gentlemen that took care of me! It was lovely, although i wouldn't have minded if there were a couple girls around -- not complaining too much about that though. Hehe. There was one girl that i met the first night i was there, but she was really drunk and disappeared with one of Henry's friends who i'm assuming is her dude. The last night i also got to party with Rachel, who is this girl that i went to high school with. 

What really sucked though was that i was basically hungover every day that i was in San Diego. I threw up the first night partying, and i think it was due to the Chipotle that i had once arrived. It wasn't long after that i began drinking. Well, it was really unfortunate for me because every day the boys wanted to go out and eat somewhere good, but i just would not have the stomach for it! All i wanted was soup or a something really really light...like a salad or bowl of fruit. I didn't want to be the one to say "no, i don't really want that" -- but even so, i definitely did not drive 8 hours to San Diego to not try the good eats out there...right? So, each day i'd go out and eat with the boys and i'd end up wasting hella food. I definitely hate to be the girl who has the tiny stomach with no appetite. I couldn't help myself though! And it really sucked because the places we went to go eat at were really good. I think it would've helped if i smoked in the mornings to boost up my appetite, but they only seemed to be into smoking at night. Weird. [Photo above with random white chick is at Phil's BBQ, where we waited 2 hours for food.]

The second day/night there, the guys spent all day trying to find me an id so i could go to the "booty basement" with them. It was a 21+ event. The whole trip was sort of like "We can go to the bar...oh, but Kathy isn't 21." Oh the bitter sadness of being so close to being 21, but just not quite there yet. We ended up going to this bonfire at the beach, where we had to walk down a steep ass cliff in the dark and drunk. Walking down it was not too bad, but walking up that shit was absolute hell. I was way too drunk to be doing that. I woke up the next day with my back in the most pain it has ever been in. Still a fun night none the less. 

The weather there that weekend was not as spectacular as i would have hoped it to be. It was actually hotter here in the bay than it was over there. There weather temperature itself was not too bad, but then it was just mostly cloudy. On the second day we were there, we all took a long stroll along the beach. I've never really done that before, but it was really nice and relaxing! Such a lovely environment to be in. The next day, after standing in line for two hours at Phil's BBQ,  we went to the beach a little bit later than we had intended to. So, i didn't bring my bikini out to wear. I stood in the water for a bit, and didn't really realize how high the tides were -- i got my shorts wet. I ended up just sitting on the sand soaking up the warmth of San Diego. It was really relaxing. :) I really hope i get a chance to go down there to visit Henry again sometime when the weather is absolutely superb. 

The last night, there wasn't too much going on. I was pretty slow at first to start drinking -- by this time, i've probably just had enough of drinking. Originally, i wanted to take it easy that night since Sandro and i had to drive back the next day...but of course it didn't really turn out as planned. Henry had people over his place, and had a mini party -- or kick back. Some people from my high school showed up! It was really nice, i haven't seen these people since graduation, which was three years ago. And honestly, i've never really had conversations with them before either. And i definitely have never ever partied with any of them. It's really neat to see how we've all changed and grown since high school. I was pretty drunk that night, so i didn't get to have much of a decent conversation with most of them, but i did manage to get us all together to get a photo. Leo and Allison should have been there, but they went to Arizona. Richard should have been there also, but he was on some type of date apparently. It's fun seeing partying with people you went to school with, even if you never really talked to them before! They were all very nice. 

The night dragged on for some time (i don't mean to say that in a negative manner), and i eventually just knocked out on the couch. I think around two or three in the morning, Henry woke me up to get me to go lay on his bed to sleep. Instead of going to sleep, once i laid down i shot right back up and went to go wash my face and brush my teeth. I was pretty much functional after that, and joined Sandro, Henry and his other two roommates at their dinning table. It was just about the most intriguing night i've experienced this whole year. After drinking all night, they opened up a bottle of red wine and sat there sipping on it. They pulled out a variety of cheeses from the fridge along with crackers. Then proceeded to have a little debate about the cheeses, and which one was better. They actually had a pretty long debate about that, they had so much to say about the cheeses. After their debate about cheese, they went into a longs discussion about vocabulary words. I just sat there in awe. I was so mind blown that these boys were sitting there at 3/4am, sipping wine, eating cheese, and having a discussion about vocabulary words. It was pretty incredible, i'm not going to lie. I mean, who does that? I don't know, but i loved it. 

Henry and i weren't able to take one single decent photo together the whole weekend...but it's okay. I hope to see you again soon Henry and San Diego, Ca. 

Doors

I'm currently in school "studying" to be a nurse. I'm struggling a little bit because my drive isn't as strong for it as it should. Being en route to be a nurse takes a lot of dedication to actually succeed in the field, but my gear shift is stuck in neutral -- often it'll even go in reverse, but i can never put myself in fully in drive.

So, as of lately, i've been thinking a lot about my future. Is nursing where i really want to be, and what other paths are there for me to take? The medical field as a career has always been something that was embedded into me as a child. There was no other door for me to choose from, so i never felt like there was anything else out there for me to even consider getting into.

This left me with a very narrow mind with what there is available out there in the real world. What other types of occupations can catch my interests.

What do i really want to be when i grow up? That question seemed so much more simple when we were children, with a broad array of answers to give. Unquestionable about what is really attainable for nimble minded children.

Something people never fail to ask though is, "what interests you". That's not asked as often as you would think, but when i do come upon that question i wonder to myself what is it that really entices me. I feel that compared to most, my answer to that question is very bland.

My answer to that question goes as follows:
"Well, i don't really know. I like to go to the gym whenever i can and i also enjoy doing my nails. Other than that, i don't really do anything else on my free time except sit around in my room and watch netflix. Sometimes, i hang out with my friends...but you know we're all busy now a days so there isn't too much time for that. My free time is also very limited now because i have school till evenings twice a week, and every day that i'm not in school i would be at work."

Once for one of my classes, the teacher asked the students to say aloud one thing that is interesting about yourself. Of course no one can really share something that is hella interesting about themselves. The most interesting thing about myself, would probably be something very private that i wouldn't share with anyone. Who can really share something truly interesting about themselves anyways? Well some succeeded in sharing an interesting fact about themselves, and when my time came i responded with, "i really enjoy doing my nails..."

I have never thought about what other doors there are for me as a career option, since nursing has always been the main thing for me. It's always been something my mother has told me i should do, and i knew that if i would make her very proud if i was able to succeed in it. But am i living my life to succeed for my mother or am i living to succeed for myself? I am asked "why do you want to be a nurse?" and in all honesty, i have a great valid reason for why i do want to be one.

It's as cliche as anyone else's answer would be: "Well, i love to help people."
I mean, i manage to say more than that. I have a whole thing i say, and it's the same every time. But the journey in becoming a nurse, that's the scary part. Dreams are suppose to scare you, aren't they. The question of every hour for me is, do i really want to be a nurse. As captivating as it does sound to me to be able to help the ill on an everyday basis, i don't know if it's what i really really want to do.

Half of my mind says yes, the other half tells me there is more.

If you read up to here, congratulations you have just read 2.5 pages if this were on Microsoft word, times new roman, double spaced, & 12 pt font.

The continued part of my thoughts is below in Doors Pt. II, if anyone cares to read. I had to break it up so it wouldn't be so overwhelming. Toodles!

Doors pt. ii

So, earlier today i was talking to my friend Tram about how i was really unsure about what i wanted to do with my life. Well, i was sitting here earlier tonight thinking about my future and what it is that i'm really passionate about. Then, i had an epiphany.

It was similar to the epiphany that i had when i was younger watching Teen Moms and i realized what type of nurse i wanted to be, Labor & Delivery, but we'll get into that some other time perhaps. I was sitting here at my desk, and had just started playing the song "Stay High" by Tove Lo. When i opened up my blog it completely just hit me -- I want to be a writer.

You ever just have those moments where you realize something that has just been sitting in front of your face all that time, and your heads spins and your filled with pure joy? That basically happened to me. I'm not the best at writing, i know for darn sure i can be a whole lot better...but of all the things that bring me pleasure to life it would be writing. I've never seen it as something that i do on my free time, nor have i ever considered it as one of my interests considering that i always fail to mention it when people ask me. I figure it's because i've been doing this as a hobby for so long, that it's just part of what i do. That didn't really make too much sense.

I actually think that i've come up with this idea several times before. If money wasn't an issue, if i could pursue anything in life...it would have to be writing. I think what steered me away from the idea is the fact it is really hard to find success in such a field. When i was younger, i wanted to be an editor for cosmopolitan or something. That was a dream.

All this time i was asking myself what else there is, and i'd sit here typing on my computer wondering what else is out there for me in this life, when all along it was literally right below my finger tips.

However, there's a line between a career and a hobby as my wise friends has pointed out to me; which is exactly why i left the idea of pursuing this so called "passion" of mine in the first place, and continued on with the frustrating goal of becoming a nurse.

So maybe, this epiphany of mine is just one to have shown me what i really do enjoy in life. As a person of not so many words, this is where i like to spiel. This is where all my non spoken words throughout the day goes. The best and easiest way for me to express myself. Words are my things, and i like them typed out. I like them spoken to me, for i'm more of one to listen than to speak.

Someone once asked me if i had a linguistic fetish. Funny thing.

After i finished writing my previous post, "Doors", i decided to call it a night because that post turned out to be longer than i intended it to be, i strolled through Facebook and stumbled upon something on my news feed that one of my Facebook friends posted. "What Career are You Meant For?" How appropriate is it that as i'm sitting here in the middle of the night thinking about what i should really do with my life, this pops up on my newsfeed. So, i decided to take the silly quiz thinking to myself how bogus these things really are. I answered it as truthfully as i thought, and you wouldn't believe the answer it came up with.

Well fuck the shit out of me, if the Lord isn't giving me a sign right now then this must be some twisted joke. I really lost my shit and texted Justin how i can't believe it. I know, it's silly.

Perhaps, i'll keep my writing as a hobby. I'd love to improve on my writing skills and be more proper with it. I've head some say that when they made their hobbies there work, it became more as work and less of a hobby. So, i have that to consider as well.

This whole night of thinking about what i could do with my life has been fun and delightful, but i still feel stuck with what i want to do despite the sign i got earlier today.

Wish me luck, i suppose.

fangirlscreaming

Something to know about me: I'm a groupie hoe for Miguel.

I fantasize about him singing to me.
Get Miguel to sing for me on my birthday, so i know that it's real. Get him to sing for me on any given day...and i'll love you for life.

So, i've followed him on twitter and the other day i saw him tweet something about how he was collabing with Cashmere Cat on something, so i decided to look it up:



Do You - Miguel x Cashmere Cat

Listening to this, i imagined myself engulfed in complete and utter euphoria as i'm on. So happy and blissfully melting as i enjoy the rhythm and beats. As Miguel's sweet voice surrounds my mind.

Maslow

I'm not the same person that i once was. More so, i'm definitely not that same person that i was one or two months ago. A little part of me has died inside, and it's changed me in ways i never could have imagined.

I can't exactly say what the change is, but i know there's something different. Either, something is missing or something has evolved within me. I know, that sounds contradicting because i just said that a part of me has died. Withered away into oblivion.

So, i've cut my hair. I feel like a different person. Does that sound silly? I don't feel like myself anymore. Sitting here tonight, i'm wondering who i am. Who have i become, and do i like what i see? I wouldn't say that i'm completely satisfied with who i am, and i'm genuinely working on self growth.

Have you heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? I'm going to attempt to explain it right now, so i can further explain how it is that i'm feeling about myself. I've put the pyramid therefor visualization. It's his theory for one's self motivation and happiness. Something like that, at least. Well, you start from the bottom of the pyramid, and he says that you need to obtain the needs of one tier in order to obtain the needs of the next. You need you physiological needs, in order to even be able to live. It's the basic needs of life, to simply put it. With that, it'll bring you safety. What you need to gain to feel safe is having the security within you life. Feeling like you have a secure foundation, helps you build relations with those around you which brings you the sense of love and belonging. Being able to maintain good relationships with those around you is important to your own state of mind. Because if you really think about it, it's the people around you that make you who you are today. Without them, where would you really be? This leads to your esteem. Being able to obtain the sense of love and belonging, is what brings you your esteem. It helps you strive, boosts your self esteem, and confidence. With all this, you reach the top of the pyramid: self actualization. This is when you come to be able to motivate yourself to succeed and be the best that you can be.

So, where am i going with this? Well, i feel like i'm lacking in the love/belonging section here. I've been thinking about it, and i think that's where my insecurity mostly stems from. I mean, i do have a few people that i feel do genuinely care for me. I also have my family, who are my greatest support system. But something is missing, because i don't have a sense of belonging. I feel this often, and it makes me feel really lost. I feel lack of motivation, because i don't feel like it's all that worth it to do whatever there is. I'm looking for myself, and as i do that i'm looking for a place to be. A place i can feel safe, and fit in.

Bye Long Locks

Today, I donated my hair to Locks of Love with Lisa. My hair was practically up to my tail bone, and i felt like maybe it was about time for me to try something new with my look. It was a really nerve wrecking idea to have myself step out of my comfort zone in this way. My hair meant so much to me, and honestly it was what boosted my confidence. My hair made me feel beautiful. So why did i decide to take make the decision to go for such a huge change? I guess because change welcomes growth.

I kind of miss my hair already. Another thing is, i'm about to turn twenty one in a couple of months, but i now look like a twelve year old. I need to figure out in what ways i can style my hair so it's more suitable for me. I haven't had short hair in forever! I can't believe i really went through with it. My mom called me crazy because my brother and sister's weddings are coming up in June. She was saying why would i do this, now i can't be pretty. I really do hope my hair will grow out enough by then so i can do pretty things with it. It's not like my hair is all that short anyways...

Yes, it's pretty short compared to what i had before. A little mortified.

What do you think of my hair? I wonder how long it'll take to grow back.
Today marks an important day.

 

These photos made me realize that my eyebrows are not working for me. I look mean, lol. One of my co-workers pointed out that they're a little thick. Note to self: new eyebrow routine -- yes, that shit's important too. 

Toodles!

"For Facebook!"

Had a family dinner today at my house, because my aunt (in the red) came from Vietnam to visit. My father really enjoys it when we have family get gatherings with his friends/immediate family there. 

Well, it was really cute when she wanted to take a series of pictures (like the one shown above). She had my sister's fiancé take a bunch for her. She took out her camera from her bag and said, "for Facebook!" I'm sure she's somewhere in her fifties. She's such an active lady that is full of life. According to what i've heard about her, it seems like her life is pretty easy compared to my parents. Which could explain how she can come to America and go back to Vietnam every so often the way that she does. 

Anyways, i wish i got some of the photos that she took with her camera, but i was too shy to ask. I was actually featured in one of them. My brother (in the green) posed like that on purpose, so it isn't really candid. She told my sister (in the magenta) to hold a beer and make it look like she's having fun. Lol.