Halloween 2011

Halloween weekend was this weekend! I did not go out and celebrate it. I did not have 3 costumes for every day of this weekend, nor did i go out to parties dressed up. I really wanted to dress up though actually. Haha. I wanted to dress up and go out, have funn. Do fun things! I guess some things came up, and it didn't happen. No biggie though.

I didn't even get to carve a pumpkin this year with my boothaang. :(

Halloween is dying out. People stopped decorating, no one really wants to contribute to this holiday. Leaving bowls out on their porch, turning off all the lights so people wont bother them. My mom was talking to my family bout how she doesn't even want to dare to open the door for anyone that night. Doesn't want to be risked getting attacked while she's most vulnerable, you know? Parents don't want their kids to be wandering around the streets asking for candy.

It seems as though, Halloween is soon going to just become a holiday for Adults (18+) to dress up and have an excuse to party all weekend. Amirite..?

Anyways, one thing im definitely excited for. Two dollar chipotle! I'm definitely trying to contribute in that. Hehhhe. If i don't i'll be so disappointed. :(

Kay, Goodnight.

♥

Pillow Talk

Quick update of what is going on in my life:

- School is still a drag, and i've been waking up late each morning lately. I hope i don't keep that up. I don't understand why i'm waking up late, because i'm actually sleeping relatively early. (1130-1230) Well the semester is almost over, and i'm trying to think of what classes i want to take next year. Definitely Math and English again, of course. I'll have to take a look at the plan my counselor made for me do see what classes i should take. I want to take an active class too, like Butts and Guts. Just to get my work out on :) Maybe it'll make me look slightly toner...in certain places? I don't know how that stuff works. Anyways, if that's the case, i may just end up canceling my gym membership. I haven't been able to make time to go...or more like i lack the motivation. Either i have too much homework, want to take a break from everything, or want to sleep. Bleh

- However, i'm doing good in school still. Yay. My math teacher praised me a little bit today for being a good student. Hehehhe. :p

- I'm really excited for the holidays! I'm starting to make a mental list of what i want to get people. Except i thought of what i wanted to get my dad yesterday...and then today i forgot. I can't seem to recall what it is either. So maybe i should start writing my ideas down.

- On a sad note: My dog, Chowder, has been missing for three days now. I'm absolutely devastated. I cried last night thinking about her, and then i was sitting in my car today in my driveway when i got home from school and i sat there wondering where she could be, and i started crying in my car. I felt...i don't know, hopeless. My mom has already given up on hopes that she'll wander back. Really just have no idea where she could be. I'm going to check the pound tomorrow...

- On a brighter note: I'm having a nice night, aside from the fact that my boyfriend's phone died; so, he can't text me. Sadface.

Onto other unrelated topics...

Pillow Talk by WildChildSounds

I found this song i think last night on tumblr. The song (beat and singers voice) just made me so happy. It instantly put me in a good mood, and i basically just had this song on repeat. I thought it was a love song, but after listening to it over and over again, i'm starting to doubt that it's a love song.

I happy to believe that this song is actually about a break up, or something related like that. I'm loving the lyrics though, it doesn't relate to me in anyway though...

Maybe when she says "when you leave i'm lonely..." Yah, that part relates to me in someway. Also, if i was to be in a breakup, the way she's reacting would be similar to how i would react. Asking him to stay, blahblah....

It's a good song though, absolutely love it. I can't find it on Youtube though, so i can't download it through the video2mp3 thing. So for now, i'll just have to settle for listening to it through here. Enjoy this song that i happened to enjoyed very much.

♥

Have a nice night everyone. Stay joyous.

This Walrus

Dogs are the cutest. Dogs dressed as walruses? Well i'll be damned.

Are we ready for Halloween everyone? Cause i for one am not. Not even sure if i'm doing anything Halloween weekend...if my boyfriend goes and does something, he better be taking me with him. :p

Something to lighten up the mood. :)

♥

Death

The easiest way out of anything or everything is death; however, death does not come easy. As morbid and depressing as this may sound...it's true. It's not the easiest, there are always other options to compromise with certain situations in life.

Death does not come easy, death has a lot of consequences behind it even if you're gone from the world. You're leaving the world behind you by ending the life you have. What you're now leaving is a family who will now be filled with guilt, wishing they could have done something better.

Even if you think no one cares, there are just so many people who do care...so many people you're going to hurt. Taking your life away because you think it's "the easiest way out" is just the most selfish thing you can do to your loved ones.

So just stick through it, and find another way.

I really need to start going to church...

Complaint

My math teacher tells us over and over again: "You need to practice!" She want's us to spend at least 15 hours a week doing our math homework alone. That's approximately 3 hours a day during the weekdays. Three hours may not sound like a lot, but three hours alone for just math? It's as if she doesn't realize most of us students have other homework from other classes to worry about that may just be much more difficult and more time consuming. On top of that, some students are trying to juggle being a full time student with work.

One student told her how come she assigns so much homework for each assignment. But really, it is. Approximately 35-50 problems per assignment. All of which are very time consuming, and i emphasize the very. I mean, i try to put time into learning the material as i do it. If i get it wrong, that's more time put into the homework to just do it again. So imagine spending a longass time doing one single problem, getting it wrong and having to do it again. What if you get it wrong multiple times? Okay for my homework, if you get the problem wrong you have to do it again except with another problem that is similar to the last.

Either way, its time consuming.

/endcomplaint

idk

At some point in your life as you're beginning to grow up, you realize to stop worrying too much about other people. Such as, stop caring too much about what others would think of you. People are too worried about what others are thinking about them, when really no one really cares about anything you're doing. They're too worried about what you think about them. That's ironic because you're just as worried about what they're thinking about you. In the end no one is thinking about anyone because they're too preoccupied worried about others.

Did any of that even make any sense?

However, i guess it's just human nature to wonder what others think about you. Even if you claim to "not give a fuck" about anyone elses opinion, in the back of your mind deep deep down, you do care. Even if it's just a little bit.

And maybe someone out there will judge you based on your physical appearance. But whatever, right? As long as you remember that you're hot shit, it's alright.

Boom

They say that once you're happy, you don't have much to say anymore. Does anyone else agree? Maybe sometimes we just have bursts of inspiration to write. As i do now (i think). I don't know, words are just coming to me as i type. Prior to opening up this "new post" page, i didn't even know what i wanted to say. Then all of a sudden something came to me.

The last time i checked, i'm in a pleasant mood as of right now. Then again, it is 12:27am. They also say that some of you're most brilliant ideas come out late at night. Wait, do they say that? Maybe i just made that one up. I don't know, sometimes people get great epiphanies late at night while their body is begging for rest, but something in you is pushing you to keep on going.

Right now my body wants to shut down, my mind wants me to create. Although, i'm not creating much. But i want to just speak, write. Something. It's as if i'm running on "energy saver". That's what my Mac starts running on when it runs low on battery and i don't want to get up to get the charger so i just let it slowly die out. I don't think that's exactly what it's called but right now i can't think about what it's really called. And i'm not sure how to check because i currently have 35% battery life.

It's not 12:32am, and i feel like it's really late right now. Funny thing, because if this was about a year ago, i probably would think that right now is the perfect time to just go to bed. I've been going to sleep at 11pm or so this past week, thanks to my lovely boyfriend who has to go to sleep early in order to wake up at an impossible time (7am?) And i'm only up right now because (1) he's out drinking, and (2) it's the weekend for me, and i don't need to wake up early tomorrow. (Insert smiley here.)

Back to my "you don't have much to say when you're happy" thought. Perhaps that may be true. I definitely have more or a drive to write when i'm not so chipper. Mostly because i don't have anyone to talk to about my feeling, so writing my feelings and thoughts out about a certain situation makes me feel better. Writing is like therapy. Why pay a psychiatrist when you can just write! Oh, because they say things like: "And how does that make you feel?", giving you a sense that someone is really listening. Whereas, with writing you don't know who is reading...or if anyone is even reading at all. Hello? Anyone? Yah, i don't know.

And here i am sitting here (more like laying here in bed...) typing in my blog, as if it were a person. I want to pretend that someone is reading at least. Just so i don't feel useless. Then again, i'm writing for myself.

Now it's 12:41am, and i don't think my mind is on the correct track anymore. I have completely lost my train of thought. No more words are coming to me.

So onto irrelevant topics:

- I haven't gone to the club since i turned 18. I remember before i was 18, i really wanted to go to the club with my friends who were 18+. However, i looked like a little girl and there was no way i would be able to get in. Even with a caked face. Then again, i thought about it and i'm not even really that into "dancing". I just want to have a reason to get dolled up. I'm going to make my boyfriend go with me sometime soon. And i'm going to try to get Lisa to convince her boyfriend to go with her too. She hasn't gone since she turned 18 either.

- I want to dress up for Halloween! It's my first time having a boyfriend during Halloween. Yah, i know, big deal huh. No really, i've always wanted to dress up with a guy, but never had the chance to. Except my boyfriend thinks we're too old to do such things...i guess i'll just go get all dolled up anyways, and be me. :)

- I'm doing good in school. Yay.

♥

Goodnight, sleep tight. Sweet dreams. Hope you all have a wonderful sleep.

Taken for Granted

This made me cry..

"There are no perfect fathers, but a father will always love perfectly"

I wish i was capable to show my dad i appreciated him more. For me, it's easier said than done. I've just never made that type of connection with him, i could almost say he's a stranger. I know the basics about him, but that's just the outer layer of him. However, i know that he's an amazing man. I'm not taking him for granted at all...maybe sometimes it may seem like it. I wonder what he thinks in his mind; that his children don't interact with him. Now that we're grown we don't talk to him as much.

I remember when i was younger, i loved spending time with him. He would always take care of me, make me food, take me to school, help me with my homework, teach my new things, do arts with me...each night i'd go into my parents room and climb onto their bed and sit in his lap. He would hold my palms and say prayers with me. I was somewhat like daddy's little girl.

I remember once my mom jokingly told me that no one will like me if i'm dirty. I was dirty at that time and i didn't understand what she was saying. I thought she meant that she doesn't love me. I went to my room and cried. My dad came out to look for me because that night i didn't go into their room. He saw me crying and carried me into bed with them and asked me what was wrong. I said that mom doesn't love me, and he chuckled. Telling me she was kidding and didn't mean it, and explained to me what she said.

For one of my birthdays, he bought me the shoes i wanted from payless shoes. The cool shoes that light up when you walk.

I remember holding his hand, but my hand was so small compared to his that i ended up holding his finder instead.

He liked to eat fast food. I remember he took me to burger king and i would always share a whopper with him because the whoppers were too big for me to finish on my own. I remember the day i finished my first whopper by myself and he congratulated me and told me i'm such a good big girl.

I was the baby of the family. Then i started growing older, started to not need his help with homework because i figured it out on my own. No longer cared for doing artsy stuff with him. He already taught me the essential things that i couldn't teach myself. I said prayers on my own...things just stopped happening at some point of my life and i don't remember why that is. And i was never able to reconnect with him again like the way i was able to with my mom.

He's growing older now, he isn't getting any younger. And i'm sad to say that i don't have as much time as i could possibly hope for. It's honestly that hard for me. Time and life is going to go by so fast that i wont even realize...

And even though we don't really communicate, i know that he loves and cares for me a lot. I know he wants the best for me and i know that he will do anything for me.

Sweetest thing

This song is just everything tonight.

Hope everyone is having a nice evening.

The sweetest thing i've ever known,

Was like the kiss on the collarbone.

Soft caress of happiness...

The way you walk, your style of dress

I wish i didn't get so weak

Ooh, baby, just to hear you speak

Makes me argue just to see how much you're in love with me

♥

Hey baby, i love you.

You're more beautiful than anything in this world;

Lately, all i've written about was either school or anything that has to do with my boyfriend. I was sitting here wondering what i could write about so i don't sound so redundant in my posts. Because really, i noticed that those are the two things i write about most. If anything, once in a while i'll write about my day. But that's just for those days when i feel like blogging for the hell of it.

Before my boyfriend came around, i think what i wrote about most was probably about my heartbreaks, past relationships, being hurt, being lonely and once a while when i get pleasant days. They say you need to happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Where am i even trying to go with this. It was momentarily after i found happiness in myself and my life that i started talking to my boyfriend. I may have already found happiness in myself by that time, but let me just say that ever since he's came into my life i've been in the most pleasant state of mind i have ever been in a while prior to being with him. Meeting someone great can really change a certain aspect of your life and change your mindset on things in such a positive way. So...in some cases, you don't necessarily (i spelled that correctly on the first try, fuck yes) need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else, it's just recommended. It's recommended to teach one that they need to not depend on others to be happy. That they can be happy on their own. So that if the person they depended on for happiness left, their whole world wont fall apart completely. It'll fall apart for a short moment and then soon they can pick themselves up again. Do you know what i mean? So, it's recommended to not depend on others to be happy.

Happiness comes from within. Sure. I don't know. Happiness...my dad told me that to be happy with life, don't expect too much out of it. Or i think what he meant was be happy with what you got, and don't ask for too much. Don't be envious of others. Make the best of what you have. It's one of those things that really make you think in a way. You know? Like...sometimes you'd sit around wishing that you had that car, more money for nice clothes, that bag, those shoes, wishing that you didn't have to live this way, nicer hair, etc. You become envious of others that have what you wish you had, you get jealous and wish for maybe a more luxurious life. I mean, i guess it's just human nature to want more that what you have. No matter what class your classified in (homeless, poor, middle classed, high class). You're always going to want for more. Even the people with everything will wish they had something more, such as more genuine people in their lives who aren't just after their money and luxurious lifestyle. This jealousy makes you temporarily unhappy, and you fail to be happy with what you already have. My dad was just talking to me about this, made me think a little about all that i have.

Money isn't an issue for me, although, i wish i had more of it. I completely just contradicted myself. I don't care too much for money. It's just that you need to to survive, to do things. To eat and supply for yourself. Meh. I really don't know where i was even going with this post.

If i had the world, i'd give you the world.

♥

more precious than the rarest diamond or pearl

Love, Infatuation, Lust

Infatuate: (v.) to be inspired with intense but short-lived passion or admiration for -- At some point, when i first met him, i'd say that i was very much "infatuated" by him. I was curious to know what he was really like as a person. You know how sometimes when you first meet someone, they don't let their guard down so much to show you what they're really like? I wanted to know what he was all about, what he liked and what he didn't like. He mesmerized me.

I'd get butterflies, be at lost with words. I'd have to think carefully of what i would want to say because i didn't want to seem strange to him. Don't lie; you've all done that. Funny, cause now that i think about it, it seems like when you first meet someone and you're trying to get to know them you unintentionally put up a front, kind of. You know what i mean? Need to think of what to say. Contemplate over whether or not you should text them right away or wait about ten minutes even though you were practically waiting for them to text back (that is, if you weren't doing anything.) Hoping that they would text first so you don't have to because you don't want to seem too interested. Hoping that they would text first so you would have some hope that maybe they're interested too and was thinking of you. Wondering if they feel tingly inside too, wondering if you make them melt like they make you melt. Trying to keep your cool, so you don't seem like a complete dork but not too kept where it seems like you have a stick up your ass. Everything is pretty much carefully done. What's going on in your mind when they're around or anything that has to do with them seems a little clustered. Doing all this, unintentionally putting up a front. You're not at ease just yet. Not yet at the comfort level to really, really be yourself.

Today i stumbled upon the question, is it really love, or just infatuation...perhaps lust? I mean, that wasn't even something i really had to think about. I knew the answer to that one. What i feel, definitely is not just infatuation and nowhere near lust. Yes, i'm infatuated to an extent. I'm infatuated but it's not "short-lived" as the dictionary definition defined it as, "short-lived passion or admiration". I passionately admire everything about him, everything that he is.

And excuse me, before you judge. Whoever you are. I've gotten this a couple of times, strange looks of, "really?" When i state that yes, i love my boyfriend. Let me just make that very clear that i honestly and truly do. It's just something i feel...you can't define love, you can't measure love. It's just something that's felt, and when you feel it you know. Don't you think so? By the dictionary definition, "Love" is defined as, "an intense feeling of deep affection". That is very much true, but then there's more to that. I don't know. It irks me when someone tells me that it's silly. Well, you're silly if you think that. Just my opinion, i guess.

Well, to answer the question i stumbled upon: Yes, it's love. A little bit of infatuation, and a whole lot of lust. Because well, i'm not going to lie when i say that i have a "very strong sexual desire" for my boyfriend.

♥