Transitions

It's a strange type of transition to go from being taken to being single. From talking to the same person everyday from morning to night throughout the day and from know what they're doing, and what they're feeling. To the struggle of not wanting to bother them...to wondering what they're doing, to just strangers again.

I'm experiencing the strange transition right now from being lovers to being strangers. It's not that i want to have someone else to fill that void that he once occupied. The truth of it is, it doesn't even feel right to have someone else be the one to talk to me so constantly...to think that there is someone else giving him the attention that i once gave him. I've spent the last 18 months giving all my attention to him, not talking to other guys because i simply didn't care for them. It's a strange feeling just being allowed to talk to people...but it's like i barely even want to talk to these people. Then i think to myself, why not, right...now i have to throw myself back into the swing of being single. I'm not out there looking for someone new, or someone to give me attention. I'm just looking to get by each day without thinking too much about what i've lost. I'm just trying to move forward from here and recover fast.

There's so much i wish that would have happened differently. But what's the point of wishing and hoping for what could have been...because it doesn't change the fact that it's done with. What's the point of writing this...

Once we were lovers, now we're inching into being strangers again.

Spilt Milk

Perhaps at some point of some relationships, the two of you get to a certain point of comfortability where one of you thinks it's okay to just pick fights over petty things. It's not exactly that they think it's okay, but they just don't realize that it's not okay. They forget to be cautious of their significant other's feelings towards situations, and just really aren't all that cautious about what they say or do. Words come out and they hurt, but they just don't realize what they're doing.

You've reached this stage of comfortability where you two sort of just try and tolerate this fighting that has started to occur more...and for what? You two fight over petty little things that really isn't worth fighting over. In the end, do you even remember what made you mad? Do you remember why you two fought? Is it worth the hurtful words that is said to the one you love? No...in the end it isn't at all. Yes, it is something you two should try and tolerate, but it is definitely something that needs to be talked about. Be patient with one another and try to work it out. Be more cautious of each others feelings because after all you do love them don't you? Fighting may be normal in relationships, but constant bickering especially over the little stuff is not even worth the anger that is expelled between the two of you. If the relationship means something to you, when you face this part of your relationship (if you ever do), try and address it. Notice that you two have been arguing too much unnecessarily, and make a better effort.

In the end one of you will just end up wishing that all those times you just didn't cry and get mad over the spilt milk...that those little fights and getting irritated over dumbass shit was just not worth it at all.

So in conclusion, just because you've created such comfort between you and your lover, it doesn't mean it's okay to go off saying whatever you want and getting mad over stupid things. Be cautious of how they feel, and watch out for the words you say to them. In the end you'll hate yourself for it. Trust me, I do.

♥

Be The Egg

My mom told me a great story the other day. I think it was suppose to be a motivational story. She told me in Vietnamese so I'm going to try to translate it by the way I interpreted it.

She told me that there's this girl who would each day go to her father and tell him, "dad I'm so sad, I don't know what to do" (I wasn't sure if my mom literally meant sad or bored with life...Vietnamese words can be confusing, anywho..) And she'd go to him and tell him almost everyday. Till one day her dad tells her to go to the kitchen. He makes her stand there as he boils up 3 pots of water. She says, "dad I'm telling you how I'm so sad/bored, why in the world are you making me stand here and watch you boil water...?" Her dad tells her to watch as he puts a raw carrot into one pot, an egg in another, and a coffee bean in the last pot. Then he explains:

"In life, don't be like this carrot. (Because when you boil raw carrots they become soft) See when this carrot faces tough times it becomes soft. You should be like this egg (because eggs are soft/fluidy on the inside, but when you boil it, it hardens). Be like this egg, so when things get tough you harden up and be strong. Or be like this coffee bean. It is hard, and when you boil it, it stays hard. Don't let hard time effect you. You can be like the egg or be like the coffee bean. But don't be like the carrot."

The end.
That was my moms story. I thought it was a nice story. I loved it.

♥

Progress

I've been going to the gym for a little less than two months now. I feel like i've been making good progress with losing my belly fat. On the way to looking good. :)

I'm not trying to get skinnier, i'm just trying to lose my belly fat. I'm wondering how i can get fat in all the right places except my belly...That's definitely something to look into.

Here's a progress shot. I guess you can't really tell because i'm in the position. BUT there's a little something. My goal is to have a flat tummy by new years. So far so good. 

♥

50 Shades

I read all three books of the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy. Now before you go about saying how those books are basically porn in the form of literature for girls. Well, yes i guess you can say that. The book does contain erotic scenes. But once you read all three books, you find that it really is a lot more than just a sex book. It's a book of love, commitment, and sacrifices made for love. I thought this trilogy was just great. And it was great for more than it's sex scenes, which is why i think the book became so popular to girls in the first place...

The story was wonderfully written, in my opinion. I definitely recommend anyone who hasn't read this trilogy to read it! Especially if you like a good romance story.

Now can anyone tell me where i can find a man like Christian Grey? Maybe without the kinkyness though?

Read it, good book. :)

♥

Thanksgiving 2012

Through all that has been happening this past month in my personal life, i figure i still do have something to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for the fact that i have more ahead of me in life, and for all that is in store for me. There are endless possibilities out there. I just need to make right decisions here on out.

I hope everyone had a lovely thanksgiving filled with happiness and good company.

♥

Animal

If you could be any animal in the whole world, what animal would you want to be?

I want to be a dog. Not just any dog, but a dog that belongs to a loving family. Of course i wouldn't want to be abused, or homeless. That's the only exception. As boring of an answer as that is, i think the life of a dog (that belongs to a loving family) is the best life. For any house pet actually that is loved. I look at my dog, who i love so damn much, and she's just so happy and carefree! What a great life she has. I want to be her. Just behave, and you'll be treated well. At least i hope she's happy. I always wonder what she's thinking in her mind when she looks at me, or just staring into space. What in the world is going on in the head of hers? Is there even any type of thought? She seems pleased with the life we give her. If i could be any animal, i wouldn't mind being a cheerful dog. I'd get to play whenever i feel like it with so many toys to choose from. I'd get to eat my dog food whenever i feel like it, and sleep whenever i please. When my owner is home, i'll get to sit by them or play with them. The only sad time i'd probably have is when i'm left alone...but even with pets, it seems like they can enjoy their alone time any way they want.

Maybe to be a little more interesting, i wouldn't mind being a lion, an elephant, or maybe a penguin...

♥

Break Up

This song put things in a better perspective for me. Or i don't know, i can relate. Anyone can though right? This must be how he feels. Sheesh, i'm a pain in the ass, aren't i?



It's funny to me. I'm back to square one...sort of. Here i am trying to win the love of someone i once had. Btw, i know you're thinking why the hell are you going to fight for someone that doesn't want you? It's because, it's how i work, & i have hope. I haven't lost faith yet. Pathetic? Sure. Trying to not say the wrong things, yet i kind of do anyways. Trying to impress them, show that i'm worth. Except it's harder this time for some reason...because now the rejection would hurt even more since i once had them. Does this make any sense? Can anyone relate, or am i the only idiot in this world that would do something like this. I feel like an idiot for doing this. And no matter how many times i tell myself to just back down, it's not worth it i just can't. I can't do it...maybe i'm just not strong enough. Why aren't i strong enough...i really hope all this goes in my favor. I can't bare to have my heart broken twice by the same person because i was an idiot and just didn't want to give up. Now that's the worse. It's like i could have avoided that second heartbreak, but i fucking didn't. So i'll give whoever is reading a fair warning. If it doesn't go well for me, this blog will be filled with the saddest shit from the darkest pit of my soul for a very long period of time. Need i bring you back to the year of 2009?

Sometimes you wonder where you went wrong. You really thought you did everything that you possibly could to be good to them. But in the end...they just weren't really feeling it. And then you wonder to yourself, why? How come they don't like this love you're giving them...you thought you did good. Maybe it either wasn't good enough, it was too much, or you're just not it.

I'm doing alright today.

♥

Diary

I should invest in a real journal to write my thoughts in. Except i really like being able to incorporate pictures and music to posts.

I'm doing okay today.

♥

Brian Puspos

It's hard being heartbroken. But being the heart breaker isn't so easy either. If you believe in something, fight for it. This world wouldn't have such a rich history if people didn't fight for what they believe in. Giving up shouldn't be an option when it comes to love, and if you give up so easily you shouldn't be in love in the first place. Make sure the person you love not only knows you love them, but they feel you love them. 

-Brian Puspos

Found this quote while i was going through tumblr. I'll admit, it makes me feel less pathetic hearing this. Thanks for your wonderful words Brian Puspos.

Mirrors in the Moonlight

I'll wait for you as long as it takes for you to see,

It seems the devil's got a piece of you heart...

And you can't see that you're beautiful

Sometimes, i feel pathetic for the way that i am. For the way that i love. I idly wonder, will someone out there ever appreciate my overbearing tendencies instead of become overwhelmed by the way that i am? Is it bad the way that i am? For loving the way i love?

People have told me, i've heard it several times: "You're emotionally unstable", "You're hella sprung", and so on and so forth. (Actually...that's sort of the only things i've heard, but they sort of make me wonder. I had to check what "sprung" was to see if i should be insulted by that comment or not. In the context that it was said, i felt like it was more like an insult. Here are three denotations of sprung via urbandictionary.com:

1) sprung is when you are falling in love, when you can't live without him/her.
2) being soo much much in love that you would do anything for that person or thinking about them all the time.
3) The act of being completely enthralled by one person. To have been touched in such a way that you can't get them out of your mind. You desire their sex, their touch, their presence every hour of every day.

Well i sort of had a general idea of what that term meant. When i was told that, i was a little bit confused as to why his tone sounded insulting. I asked, "What's wrong with that?..." I guess i can't see the problem in that because that's how i love. Towards him at least. That's how i love towards him. I see what this person is getting at though. What is my life besides him? 

It's not much i guess. What can i make of my own life asides from him? According to these three denotations of "sprung", i can conclude the following: Yes, I'm very much in love. I'd prefer not to live without him, i'd do anything for him, and i guess you can even say i have a desire for him all the time. 

Do you see how that can be so overwhelming? What has this guy done to my mind, my heart, my soul...? I've become puddy. Stripped completely of my pride. Here i am, night after night...wishing, hoping,  wanting. Begging, pleading, apologizing. Have i done something wrong? Overbearing. 

As if i'm not pathetic enough, i willingly put out my flaws out there for all to see. I write of how i'm sad, how i'm hopeful, saying what i can offer. Pouring it all out, to the public. Is this anyone's business? 

I suppose you can consider this a warning. 

♥

p.s. He's a good guy. Take my word for it. He makes me happy.

Put your guard down  and let me in